by Amity Hope
So I told her. I told her everything.
By the time I was done, she was pacing across my living room.
“He told me that if I ever tell, he’ll never forgive me,” I said.
“I don’t count,” Caitlin tried to assure me.
I wasn’t so sure about that but I wasn’t going to argue.
“I love him and it kills me to think about the way he’s living. I won’t just pretend that everything is okay with him. For months, ever since I got back, I’ve thought something was wrong. He always had an excuse. A part of me actually believed him when he lied to me. Maybe because I wanted to believe him, I let myself.” My eyes burned with tears again. “I should’ve known better! I can’t be with someone who lies to me. And I can’t be with someone who wants me to keep something so awful a secret. I won’t do it. Now that I know for sure, I can’t just keep my mouth shut.”
“So don’t,” she said simply.
CHAPTER 21
I blinked into the dim light of my room. My bedside lamp was on. Seth was kneeling beside my bed. He had one hand on my shoulder, shaking me gently. He put his finger over my lips when I gasped in surprise.
I glanced at the clock, it was after midnight. Caitlin and I had skipped all day. She’d brought me back to school before the school day ended so I could get my Jeep. Then we’d parted ways. When Dad got home, it hadn’t been hard to convince him I hadn’t been feeling well. He’d just nodded, telling me that he’d thought I was coming down with something over the weekend. He’d promised to call the school in the morning.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I sat up. I glanced at my bedroom door. It was closed but as usual, I could still hear Dad’s snores floating down the hallway.
He held up the key. “I know this isn’t why you gave it to me. But I needed to talk to you.” He stood up and started to pace the length of my room. He was wearing sweats again and an old hockey camp tee. His feet were bare.
“I’m sorry,” he began. “I never should’ve said those things to you the other day. It’s just, you showed up at a really bad time. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
I lifted the covers and patted the spot on the bed next to me. He hesitated and I thought maybe he’d said all he’d come to say. I thought maybe he would leave.
Finally, he moved toward me. I scooted backward to make room for him. The bed dipped under his weight and I let the blanket fall down on us. He rolled onto his side to face me. His movements were cautious but not as cautious as they’d been the last time I’d seen him.
“I was at Cait’s tonight,” he said. I stayed silent, waiting for him to go on. “She met me in the parking lot after school. She said she was here today and that you talked. About everything.”
“Are you mad at me?”
He shook his head. “I was never mad. Not at you anyway. I just, I don’t know what to do. Cait told me I needed to talk to you and she was right.”
“You’ll listen to Caitlin but you won’t listen to me?”
“I listened to Cait because she told me that you loved me. But if I didn’t fix things right now, she thought I was going to lose you for good. So yeah, I listened to Cait. I don’t want to lose you. But I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m stuck. I’m this close to graduating and to getting out of his house.”
“Graduation is more than two months away. That’s a long time to live like you’ve been living.”
His gaze drifted to the wall over my head. “I’ve been living this way my whole life. What’s a few more months? I mean, what are my other options?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you can stay here? Or with Brent’s family?”
“Do you think he’s just going to sit back and let me move out? He’ll never let me do that. Do you know how bad that would look for him? Especially after Mom took off with Lily?”
“You stayed at Caitlin’s all the time,” I said, repeating her words from earlier. “She said that he didn’t care. That he never called to check on you.”
“That was different.”
“Why?” I demanded.
“Yes, I stayed with her sometimes but I didn’t move in with her. Besides, her mom was never around to ask why I was there. Brent’s mom would notice and she wouldn’t let me stay for more than a few days without talking to my dad.”
“So stay here,” I said. Even as the words slipped out, I knew they weren’t feasible.
“Right. Because your dad would really approve of that.”
“It’s not my dad that’s the issue,” I said quietly. “It’s yours.”
“Exactly. You know, the truth supposedly sets you free. But I don’t think it always works that way. I think sometimes it has the potential to bury you. What if I end up in foster care? Or what if he convinces everyone it’s me that’s out of control? What if I end up somewhere worse than foster care? The night he had me arrested, he made it clear to me that he could make that happen.”
“It won’t,” I said. But I couldn’t promise him that even though I wouldn’t doubt the threat was simply another of Bart’s mind games.
He let out an exasperated breath and let himself fall back into the pillows.
The conversation clearly was not going anywhere. I decided to move on to something else.
“What happened the other day? When I went skiing?”
He sliced a look my way and then stared at the ceiling. I wasn’t expecting him to give me an honest answer because he never had before.
“Everything I said that morning was true. He had a list of things for me to do. I was organizing the storage room. He came home for lunch, which he almost never does. I had the radio on and didn’t hear him come in. I had my back to him and he threw the yearbooks at me. They’ve been under my bed for years. It’s not like I was hiding them, not really. I don’t know if he’d just found them or if something else set him off. He shoved me into the shelving unit. The whole thing came down on me.” I cringed as I remembered the heavy metal shelving and all of the boxes and other items it had held. My breath caught, thinking about Seth buried beneath it all. “He was upset, going off about Mom. I should know by now not to let my guard down. But I just wasn’t expecting him to come home.”
“What was he saying about your mom?”
He shrugged. “He thinks I know where she is. I know he’s been trying to find her. God, I hope he never does. That’s part of the reason I’ve been trying so hard to figure out how to track her down. I want to find her before he does because if he finds her first…”
“What happened to finally make her leave?”
He turned to look at me, finally keeping his gaze settled on my face.
“Lily was goofing around at breakfast one morning. She tipped over her cereal bowl. The milk spilled across the table. Landed in his lap. He jumped up and backhanded her so hard she flew right out of her chair. Her head hit the edge of the cupboard and needed stitches.”
“Seth…” I struggled to come up with something meaningful to say.
“That’s it. That’s the only time he ever hit her. I think Mom wanted to be sure it was the last. Lily had just turned three. The next morning…I’ll never forget this because it’s the last time I saw my mom, but she hugged me goodbye before school. She told me I was getting so tall and grown up. She said that pretty soon I’d be bigger than him.” His gaze slid away from me again. “I know she was trying to say that she thought I’d be able to take care of myself. But when he’s mad, sometimes he’s just so out of control.
“Anyhow, she was gone when I got home. Dad was sure I knew where she’d gone. It was bad after that. Really bad. But that was years ago and he’s calmed down some. Now it’s just life as usual,” he said bitterly.
“Why did he make up the story about the affair?” I asked.
“It was obvious she was gone. What was he supposed to say? My wife left because I beat the hell out of her on a weekly basis? Or I hit my three year-old daughter and my wife finally had enough? So he said the only thing he co
uld. He accused her of being unfaithful. Said Lily wasn’t his. That way he could still make it sound like he was in charge. He said he kicked her out, with what sounded like a legitimate reason, and told her never to come back. He actually got a lot of sympathy for that. For having a cheating wife.” He let out a shuddering breath. “I just want to find her, even if she doesn’t want me to.”
“I think she’d be really happy to see you. She must miss you like crazy.”
“I wish she would’ve taken me with,” he admitted. “But I think I understand why she didn’t. Wherever she is, she’s hiding. What was she supposed to do with me? I was just a few years away from graduating. She wouldn’t have been able to transfer my transcripts without him being able to find out. I have no idea how she’s supporting herself but that would be harder to do with two kids. I just wish I was with her to watch over her, protect her in case he shows up. He hired a private investigator but the guy didn’t find anything. I know he’s still looking. I don’t know what he’s going to do if he finds her. He makes threats all the time. I just hope he’s bluffing.”
“Then maybe you should go to the police and tell them everything,” I said. “He should be locked up for the things he’s done.”
“What if they don’t believe me? I mean, yeah, I know they might but they sure as hell didn’t the night they arrested me! I just can’t take that chance. What if they believe him? He knows so many people in this town. I mean, every damn Tuesday he goes out for coffee with the mayor. What if he comes up with another crazy story and I’m locked up? Or what if they believe me and I get sent into foster care and he gets nothing but a damn warning to behave himself?”
I wanted to assure him that wouldn’t happen. But Mr. Ryerson had been on the city council for years. He probably had more connections than I could ever imagine.
He shook his head. “I can deal with two more months. To hell with waiting until I’m eighteen. I’m leaving after graduation. I just have to get by until then.”
His voice had shot up a few octaves and my eyes darted to the door. For a moment, all I could hear was the sound of Seth and I breathing. Then the comforting sound of snoring floated to us once more.
My eyes met Seth’s again and he dropped his voice. “Usually when he blows up like this, he’s better for awhile.”
“You’ve also been able to stay out of his way in the past. What’s going to happen now, when he wants you home all the time?” I demanded.
He didn’t have an answer for that. His silence was answer enough and it scared me.
“So we have a few days? A few weeks until he loses it again? We have to figure something out,” I said. He might think it was fine to stay with his dad but I didn’t. My mind was already spinning, trying to weave a plan that would get him out of there.
“I really hate fighting with you.” He rolled over on his side again, mimicking my position, and tentatively raised his hand to my face, cupping my cheek as I leaned into him. “Kiss me?”
When my lips met his, I felt a sense of peacefulness and rightness that I hadn’t felt in days. An intoxicating feeling of love rippled through me as my hand slid to his waist, sliding up his shirt and resting against his skin. I leaned into him, careful not to put any weight on him. He pulled me closer, not nearly as cautious as I’d been. Mouths parted, hands explored. My emotions spiraled as the tentative kiss escalated into something far more aggressive.
Our legs became tangled and Seth’s hands slid around me, beneath the thin fabric of my pajama top. I whimpered, wanting more of him. Unthinking, he rolled onto his back, pulling me with him. He immediately drew in a quick, sharp, pained breath.
“Sorry, sorry, are you okay?” I asked as I pushed myself off.
“Yeah,” he said through clenched teeth. “I got carried away.”
We were both quiet for a moment as we both caught our breath. One of his hands rested on my hip. His fingers circled against the bare skin right below the hem of my pajama shorts. His touch left my skin with chill bumps even though I was plenty warm.
“I wish your dad wasn’t right down the hall. I wish my ribs didn’t hurt. What I really wish was that we could go back to Valentine’s night and have a do-over. One where my dad didn’t show up.” He turned to me, forcing a cocky grin, trying to mask his discomfort. “I’m not positive where that night was headed but I really hope that sometime soon, I can find out.”
I forced a smile. “I wish all of that too. And I think you know exactly where that night was headed. I had no intention of stopping you, or of even slowing things down.”
He reached up to tuck a lock of my hair behind my ear so he could see my face more clearly.
“I love you. You know that right?” he asked as his gaze locked onto mine. As if my heart hadn’t already been in overdrive from his kisses, it took off all over again. “I’m probably not very good with this whole dating thing. I know I’m not very good at telling you what I’m feeling. But I want you to know I do love you. I think I have since I was a kid. When things were bad at my house, I’d come looking for you. I never had to say a word because just being with you made me feel alright again. When I heard you were coming back, I thought those feelings were in the past. I tried to leave them there. I didn’t want to want to be with you. I didn’t want that complication. But it was like my heart already knew what it wanted before my head caught up.”
“I love you too,” I said as I reached to take his hand. My fingers laced with his and he squeezed them tightly.
He smiled. “Good. You kind of shouted it at me the other day. I wasn’t sure if you really meant it, or if you were just really emotional.”
“I definitely meant it,” I assured him. “Can you stay here tonight? I can set my alarm.”
He nodded. “I was really hoping you would ask that.”
I reached for my phone, sitting on the nightstand next to my lamp. I set the alarm for an hour earlier than when Dad normally got up. I flipped the light off before moving back into place, resting my head against his shoulder as his arm looped around me, holding me close.
CHAPTER 22
Several days passed and I didn’t do or say anything because Seth continued to plead with me, asking me not to.
He had finally let me take a step into his life, behind his emotional walls. I knew I needed to tread lightly or I would be thrown out on my ass again and that door would slam shut tighter than ever before.
He assured me that Bart just wanted to feel like he was in control. He’d taken Seth’s phone so contact outside of school was nonexistent. Seth continued to spend his evenings at home because that’s what his dad had demanded of him. Every morning, he assured me that everything was fine. As much as I wanted to hear that, I worried that things wouldn’t stay ‘fine’. They never did. Every day that passed by was one day closer to the next explosion, of that, I was sure. That knowledge made it hard to think of anything else. I was constantly on edge. I couldn’t imagine how Seth had spent his entire life living this way. I felt like I was going out of my mind, just waiting for something to happen, and I wasn’t even the one in any danger.
As the week neared an end, I made a decision out of desperation.
I scrolled through my contacts and hit send. The phone rang twice before it was answered.
“Hey, Brent, it’s Harper. Remember when you said if I ever needed anything, all I had to do was ask?”
He laughed and I took that as a good sign. “Yeah, I remember. What do you need?”
“I was wondering if you could do something with Seth tonight?” I had no idea what. I knew they wouldn’t check out the mall or paint each other’s nails. But guys must do something when they’re together.
“I could,” he said, sounding confused. I didn’t blame him.
“You know his dad’s not letting him spend much time with me, right?” I paced across my room, lifting my curtain. It was late afternoon and gloomy. Seth’s light was on but his blinds were pulled. All of the other lights on this side of the hou
se were off but I knew that his dad had just gotten home.
“Yeah, I heard about that. His dad’s in jackass mode again.”
“I was hoping you could get him out of his house for a while. I think by now he probably needs a night away from Bart,” I said. It was the truth, but it was only a sliver of it. I mentally crossed my fingers and waited.
“Yeah, sure,” he said. “I would need a night away if I were him. I’ll text him and see if he wants to go to the batting cages or something. They just opened up.”
“He doesn’t have his phone. You’ll have to call him on the landline. I have the number if you need it,” I said.
He muttered something derogatory about Bart before saying, “Yeah, I forgot about that. I’ve got the number, though.”
“Brent, thank you. And would you mind not telling him I asked you?”
His light laugh floated through the line. “Not a problem. Talk to you later.”
I hung up, feeling relieved. A girl would want to know why. Every once in a while, it was easier to deal with guys.
I tiptoed down the stairs. I could faintly make out the sound of the evening news. Dad was watching TV for now but he’d be coming up to start dinner shortly. I hoped to be back before he noticed I was gone. I crept into the kitchen and settled myself in front of the window. My heart was pounding chaotically as I watched and waited. Each minute crept by so slowly it was almost painful to just sit there and wait. From here, I watched as Brent pulled into Seth’s driveway. Seth came out of the house and a minute later, Brent was backing out again.
As soon as they were out of sight, I slipped outside. I carefully made my way across the yard. The snow was gone now and mud remained. Mr. Ryerson answered the door only moments after I’d rung the bell.
“Harper.” He glanced down at my hands. “I guess you’re not bringing me my mail.”
I shook my head, gathering my courage before it scattered so far out of reach that I would never get it back. “We need to talk. May I come in?”
