The Lost Sister

by Tracy Buchanan

  ‘Want to go outside? The sun’s out, we can talk all things Russia,’ Kai says quietly after they’ve eaten their succulent delicious sweet potato pudding. She can see in his blue eyes he can sense her contemplation.

  ‘Yeah, sure. That’d be good.’

  She says her thanks then follows Kai outside as the sisters exchange raised eyebrows. It seems that, no matter how much they deny it, his family are convinced they’re an item. Becky allows herself for a moment to imagine it to be true. Coming here for the weekend, sitting on that big corner sofa with his sisters and watching a girly film. Learning his mum’s recipes. Huddling up in the very swing chair they’re heading to now, looking up at the stars as they talk into the night.

  She feels her cheeks flush. What is wrong with her?

  ‘So how was Slovenia?’ Kai says as they both sit down, the swing chair creaking under their weight. Next door, a raucous barbecue is taking place, men whooping as girls laugh. On the other side, a woman nurses her screaming baby.

  ‘Interesting,’ Becky says. ‘The caves are beautiful.’

  He shakes his head. ‘I’m so jealous, I’ve never been.’

  ‘Ha, I have one cave up on you.’

  He playfully narrows his eyes at her. ‘So tell me what you learnt then.’

  She tells him everything: about the cavern where Idris and Solar lived, the way they just suddenly left, then the photo of Idris’s painting in the Russian cave, and the article Caden found about Solar. She hands the article to Kai and he looks at the photo.

  ‘I guess if Idris likes caves, the Kungar Ice Caves would appeal,’ Kai says. ‘But to live there? Especially with a kid. They’d be freezing.’

  ‘Maybe he had no choice. I keep hearing from people he was running from someone, was scared.’ She thinks of the burnt-out cave in Spain, the scary paintings Solar drew. Who was after him and why?

  ‘I talked to that Julien guy a bit after you left Spain actually,’ Kai says. ‘He said the same to me, about Idris being scared of someone. You’re not worried about your sister though, are you?’ he says, looking down at the article. ‘She seems have survived her childhood unscathed judging by the photo.’

  ‘But what about Idris? Nobody can track him down, not even someone like Caden who’s trained to trace family members.’

  ‘Solar will probably know.’

  Becky nods.

  ‘Hey, I got some other good photos from Spain,’ Kai says, pulling his phone from his pocket. ‘I didn’t want to bombard your inbox with all my photos from the trips so I didn’t send them all.’

  They lean close as he scrolls through them. Many are of that evening in the caves, Becky beaming out in some, her face red from the wine. A few were taken after she left too, including some of Julien sitting outside his cave as he whittled his wooden figurines.

  ‘These are good,’ Becky says. ‘Choose the right filter and you’ll be an Instagram star in no time.’

  Kai laughs. ‘Hashtag no filter all the way, baby!’

  But Becky doesn’t laugh back. She’s noticed something in one of the photos from inside Julien’s cave during daylight. She can see paintings she hadn’t seen before, including one of a building she recognises: the old abandoned hotel her mum bought. She can tell it’s that hotel because of the big oak tree that dominates the background.

  She zooms in closer. In the painting is a boy, standing on the cliff edge. Behind him, peering out from a window in the hotel, is a face: one half white, the other half black.

  The scary face Idris and Solar drew.

  Becky shivers, quickly handing the phone back.

  ‘What’s up?’ Kai asks.

  ‘That face again,’ she says, pointing to it. ‘But this time, it’s in the hotel Mum lived in.’

  ‘The one you own now?’

  Becky nods. ‘Thing is, it was abandoned for years before Mum bought it. It certainly wasn’t open when I lived in the town as a kid.’

  ‘It could be something from Idris’s past.’ Kai goes to the browser on his phone. ‘What was the hotel called again?’

  ‘The Bay Hotel.’

  He quirks an eyebrow. ‘Original. Okay, let me see if I can find anything on it.’ He types the name in as Becky looks over his shoulder and a series of results appear, many of them related to a similarly named hotel in Australia. But a couple are from pages dedicated to the history of the town that Becky grew up in. Kai clicks on it and they both read a small paragraph with a photo of the hotel when it was open. She realises her mum had pretty much restored it to how it once was with its white board exterior and glossy windows.

  The Bay Hotel was opened in the year 1900 to a fanfare, particularly popular with people in ill health seeking to benefit from the cave spa beneath it. It dominated the tourist scene for most of the 1900s until the owners put it up for sale in 1975.

  ‘Idris only arrived in the town in 1991, which is when Mum first left,’ Becky says.

  ‘Did he? Or maybe he grew up in the area?’

  Becky frowns. ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Hey, Kai!’ a voice calls out.

  They both look up to see a woman peering at him over next door’s fence. She’s pretty with large oval brown eyes and black hair in a wavy bob. Becky notices a change in Kai’s face when he sees the woman. His jaw clenches and he nods stiffly.

  ‘Hey, Tara.’

  ‘Who’s this then?’ Tara asks as she stares at Becky.

  ‘Becky, meet Tara,’ Kai says with a sigh. ‘Tara, meet Becky.’

  ‘You should come over some time, Kai baby, catch up over a beer,’ Tara says, lifting her bottle up.

  ‘I don’t think so, Tara,’ Kai replies.

  She pouts. ‘Aw, don’t be like that.’

  ‘You’re drunk.’

  She raises an eyebrow. ‘And you clearly need to be. Nice to meet you, Becky,’ she says, giving Becky a look that suggests she really isn’t pleased to meet her. Then she disappears.

  ‘That was … interesting,’ Becky says when Tara is out of earshot.

  ‘Always is when it comes to Tara.’

  ‘She a friend?’

  Kai shakes his head. ‘Not any more. Used to be. Used to be a lot more than that, too.’

  ‘Like your fiancée?’ Becky asks gently, thinking of what Kai’s mum told her.

  ‘Yeah, something like that,’ Kai replies, leaning back and squinting up at the blue skies. She examines his dark smooth skin, the nose gem twinkling in the afternoon light.

  ‘I had a something like that once as well.’

  He looks at her sideway, one eye closed. ‘Oh yeah?’

  ‘His name was Gus.’

  ‘That’s some name.’

  Becky smiles. ‘He was some guy. Or so I thought anyway. I was fourteen, a bit lonely. He was lonely too I guess. He’d just moved from the States. We bonded over books. Wasn’t long before we were living in each other’s pockets.’

  ‘Sounds like me and Tara. I was sixteen. Except it wasn’t books with her, more like beer.’

  They laugh.

  ‘So what happened with this Gus dude?’ Kai asks.

  Becky sighs. ‘I wrapped myself up in him, used him as my security blanket. I wouldn’t admit it at the time, but I was missing my mum like hell. It worked for a while, things felt good. But he was a bit controlling. I’d always been interested in science, in animals especially. But Gus convinced me to pursue history instead of “soulless science” as he called it.’

  Kai rolls his eyes. ‘Not sure I like this Gus.’

  Becky smiles. ‘So I focused on history, following Gus to college and then university, getting a job at a local historic society after, even getting a little flat by the sea in Busby-on-Sea where I moved with my dad. I was so sure we’d always be together.’

  Kai nods. ‘I hear ya. Same with Tara. It was just the way it was. Kai and Tara. Tara and Kai. Until I discovered Tara preferred it to be Tara and Zane.’

  ‘Zane?’

  ‘My best friend. Found them doing som
e horizontal dancing on a bench in town last year.’

  Becky puts her hand on his arm. ‘A bench? God, I’m sorry, Kai.’

  He frowns slightly. ‘Best thing that ever happened to me. Better to have found out before we got married. That holiday in Spain?’ he says. ‘Hannah and Ed dragged me out there to take my mind off the fact I’d have been getting married that week if I hadn’t caught Tara doing the dirty last year.’

  ‘They’re good friends.’

  He smiles. ‘They are. Anyway, here I am talking all about me. What happened with the science basher, Gus?’

  Becky sighs. ‘He just told me out of the blue he didn’t love me any more. We were having dinner, watching some programme. And he turned to me and said it. “I can’t do this any more, Becky. I’m not in love with you.”’

  Kai flinched. ‘Ouch.’

  ‘Yep. He moved out the next day. But it’s like you say, better it happened before kids and marriage … I know first-hand how it feels to watch your parents separate. Plus, I’d never have become a vet if he hadn’t left. I’d still be working for that society, archiving photos of old garages.’

  ‘Why become a vet then? You mentioned some horses behind your house but that was when you were a kid.’

  Becky smiles to herself. ‘Gus’s grandmother passed away and left her dog to him. He turned up at my new flat a year after he dumped me, asking me if I wanted the dog because he was going to give it away.’

  Kai looks at her incredulously. ‘No way!’

  Becky laughs. ‘Yes way. I took the poor thing in, how could I not? He was gorgeous, a three-legged staffie called Rupert. But boy, did he have health problems! I was in the vets a lot. It made me realise just how much I’d love to be the person treating Rupert rather than the one standing there, nodding.’ She frowns. ‘Truth was, the seed was planted way before that. I always blame it on the horses behind our house, but now I remember that it all started when I visited my mum at the cave for the first time. A dog got hurt and I helped and … and I remember Idris telling me I’d be a vet one day. I’ve never liked to attribute it to him but the truth is, that’s when the obsession started for me. He made me believe it was my destiny. Anyway,’ Becky says with a sigh, ‘two years of adult classes to get those science A Levels I always wanted, and five years of training later, I finally qualified! All thanks to Idris …’

  ‘He sounds like quite something.’

  ‘I guess he was, to pull all those people in.’

  ‘Must be complicated emotions though. Your mum had an affair with him, got pregnant.’

  Becky shrugs. ‘It wasn’t really an affair. Mum and Dad had split up when she lived in the cave really.’

  ‘What do you think you’d say if you met him?’

  Becky plays with the hem of her shorts. ‘Why did you take my sister … and where is she?’

  Kai puts his hand on her arm. ‘You’ll find her.’

  ‘I hope so.’ She looks him in the eye. ‘You going to help me by coming to Russia?’

  As she says that, she realises she desperately wants him to. Not just to help her get access to the cave but for his company too. His smile. His jokes and his support.

  He pretends to think about it. Then he shoots her his huge smile. ‘Hell yeah!’

  As they high five, Becky glances at Kai’s phone which is sitting on his knee, still open to the page about the old hotel.

  How is it all connected?

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Selma

  Kent, UK

  13 August 1991

  The morning after Idris and I made love, I woke in his arms to the sun rising, the old abandoned hotel looming over us. It was so warm and dry after the initial burst of rain, we’d emerged from the small cave to sleep on the beach in the middle of the night, our hair a tangled wet mess in the sand.

  I felt as though I was in a dream. Sex with Mike had been mechanical for so long. It wasn’t his fault. I’d closed myself to him, to any sexual feelings. Not intentionally. It was just the way I felt. But the night I’d spent with Idris, the way he made me feel … all those old feelings of passion I once enjoyed in the past were back.

  ‘You look like a double-headed mermaid,’ a voice said from above.

  I looked up to see Oceane smiling down at us. I realised then how foolish I’d been to think Idris and Oceane were sleeping with each other. She’d hardly react to seeing us like this if they were.

  ‘It’s beautiful,’ the young girl added. ‘Coffee?’

  Idris opened his eyes and smiled. ‘The magic word.’

  Oceane skipped into the cave and I sat up, looking around me. Everyone was going about their business, seemingly unbothered by the fact Idris and I had clearly spent the night together. It carried on like that throughout the day, as though we’d been together since the start. He held my hand, kissed the nape of my neck and it confirmed what I knew in my heart: I really was the only person he’d been intimate with here.

  That night, we went back to the small cave with the frozen birds – our cave now – and made love again.

  ‘Try to get into the current,’ Idris whispered as I moved up and down on top of him, his back against the cool wall, legs out in front of him. ‘Look into my eyes, find the current.’

  I did as he asked, even though half of me didn’t believe in the so-called ‘current’, focusing my mind and feeling on the place where we both joined. Soon, nothing else existed, just that core between us, him inside me as we moved against each other. Whether it was the current or not, I’d never felt anything like it.

  After, we lay together on a blanket we’d brought in with us, looking up at the frozen animals.

  ‘Is that the tantric sex Sting and his wife talk about?’ I joked.

  ‘That’s all talk. This is real.’ He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. ‘How are you feeling about the social services visit in a few weeks?’

  I’d received a letter that morning to say the visit would be in a month’s time. I sighed. ‘Nervous.’

  ‘You’re a great mother, that’s all they need to see.’

  ‘I don’t know. I’ve always found it difficult, this mothering business.’

  ‘How so?’

  I thought about it. ‘When Becky was born, I struggled.’

  ‘Baby blues?’

  I nodded. ‘That’s what the doctor said. At times, I felt so detached, like I was watching life from inside a bubble. But then the paranoid thoughts came, I grew overprotective of her, wouldn’t let anyone hold her. And …’ I paused.

  Idris tilted my chin up, looking into my eyes. ‘You know you can tell me anything.’

  ‘I started imagining the most awful things happening to Becky. Terrible violent things by other people, or by accident. The thoughts in my mind were so graphic, like a TV playing over and over. I even wrote some of them down.’ I closed my eyes. ‘Mike found the notepad.’

  Idris pulled me close, softly kissing the top of my head.

  ‘We argued. And … and I thought he was going to take her away. I even thought the postman was a social worker in disguise, completely irrational as Mike had only just read the notepad. So when he was on the phone to my doctor to make an appointment for me, I left with Becky. I just walked out.’

  I sat up, drawing the blanket to my chin as I stared into the darkness. I’d never told anyone this, apart from Mike of course.

  ‘Do you know what?’ I continued. ‘I hardly remember doing it. It was just a blur.’ Tears filled my eyes. ‘Mike was frantic. Becky was fine, of course. But still, it was bad of me to just walk out with her like that.’

  ‘Not bad,’ Idris said, putting his hand on my knee. ‘You did the right thing, getting away, clearing your head.’

  ‘Mike didn’t see it like that. I returned the next day and he was so angry. Only promising to go to the doctor for some anti-depressants stopped him calling social services.’ I twisted the tweed of the blanket between my fingers.

  Idris frowned, trailing his fin
ger down my bare arm. ‘Did it feel like you were running away again when you came here?’

  I frowned. ‘At first, yes. Those old feelings were coming back. The numbness anyway.’ I smiled up at him. ‘But now it feels different. It feels like I’m coming home.’

  Idris leaned up and pressed his lips against mine. ‘Good. I don’t want this to be transient for you.’

  ‘It isn’t.’

  Idris was quiet for a few moments. ‘You should talk to Donna actually. She confided in me about something – not quite what you went through, but similar. It might be useful for you both to talk things through.’

  ‘I don’t need to talk things through.’

  ‘Really?’ Idris asked me. ‘You haven’t been in the current as much with your writing, apart from just now,’ he added with a raised eyebrow.

  ‘I’ve had a lot on my mind.’

  ‘Exactly. Emotional blockages are often caused by deep-seated issues from the past. You need to cleanse yourself. Talking is good.’ He leaned close to me. ‘I really think you should talk to Donna.’

  I sighed. I’d always closed myself off to talking to other women about stuff like that, thought it was a bit crass … a bit pedestrian. But maybe Idris was right. Maybe it was time I started opening up a bit.

  ‘Fine, if that’s what you think is best for me, Mister philosopher-stroke-therapist.’

  ‘I always know what’s best. Like right now.’ He dipped his head under the blanket as I giggled.

  That night, we sat around the fire with the others, drinking and chatting like we always did. But it felt different this time, the two of us wrapped up in each other as if it had been like that forever.

  When Donna walked into the cave, Idris nudged me. I got up and followed to find her at the sink, her back to me.

  ‘Hey you,’ I said.

  Donna jumped, putting her hand to her chest. ‘You scared me.’

  I laughed. ‘I didn’t realise my ninja skills were quite so refined.’

  Donna didn’t laugh back. She’d grown more sullen with me lately.