Three In a Bed

by Carmen Reid

  Sitting in the back of the cab, Bella looked down at her outfit. God her boobs were enormous, but they didn’t look glamorous, just matronly, trussed up in a nursing bra closely akin to scaffolding.

  At least her feet, in the shoes from Tania, looked sexy and so did her husband.

  She smiled at him and folded her arms under her breasts. ‘I look like the Queen,’ she said mournfully.

  ‘You look great, just calm down,’ Don said, looking round at her. ‘I love your hair.’

  ‘What? Washed and brushed?’

  ‘It looks nice.’

  When they got to the restaurant and were shown to their table, Bella’s unease had blossomed into full-blown nervousness. She took her mobile out of her bag and placed it on the table, checking there was a good signal.

  ‘What are we going to drink, then?’ Don said cheerfully, picking up the wine list.

  ‘Well, I can’t have much, goes into the milk, and anyway, I’ve got to get up later.’

  Don didn’t say anything. He watched her fiddle with her phone and cutlery and wished she would relax.

  ‘Do you think we should ring up and check?’ she said finally.

  ‘No,’ Don answered firmly. ‘Maddie will phone if there’s a problem. We’ll probably just wake him up if we call.’

  ‘Mmm.’ Bella looked round the room distractedly.

  ‘Bella,’ Don took hold of her hand and looked at her face. ‘Bella, look at me. I’m here with you tonight, this is “us” time, Markie is fine, can you please stop worrying, just for a little, tiny bit?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Yes, you’re right, what shall we eat?’ She picked up the menu and tried to concentrate although her stomach was churning and she couldn’t imagine how she was going to eat anything.

  When the first course arrived, she asked Don about his work because she knew he would talk and she could pretend to listen.

  By the time the main course was there, she could feel her heart pounding, she was so anxious.

  ‘I’m going to have to phone, Don,’ she said suddenly, interrupting his story.

  ‘It’s OK, I’ll do it,’ he said. She was relieved she hadn’t seen any flicker of annoyance cross his face.

  ‘I’ll go into the lobby where it’s quieter.’ He got up and walked over to the double doors.

  Moments later he came back to the table, smiling.

  ‘He’s still sleeping, he fell asleep ten minutes after we left and he hasn’t stirred. OK, are you going to start enjoying yourself now?’

  He poured himself another generous top-up of wine but didn’t offer her anything as she had barely touched the glass in front of her.

  Halfway through her plateful, she wondered if Don had phoned at all. God, what an idiot she was, he’d probably stood in the lobby and not even bothered because if Markie had been crying, well it would just have spoiled the meal, wouldn’t it?

  ‘Bella, for God’s sake. By the look on your face, you’d think our son was in hospital not snuggled up in his bed.’ Don sounded exasperated now. ‘Why don’t you just have a cigarette or something? Christ, I thought this would be fun.’

  She had not had a cigarette since Markie was born. Her conscience had finally overriden her urge to smoke. ‘I don’t want nicotine in my breast milk,’ she said.

  ‘It never worried you when you were pregnant,’ Don answered sharply.

  ‘But he’s here now, he’s not an abstract baby, he’s a real one, I couldn’t do anything that might hurt him.’ She felt her eyes fill with tears and she just longed to hold her baby. Her breasts were tingling strangely, she wanted to be with him, feeding him and cuddling him. ‘I want to go home,’ she said, a tear spilling over onto her cheek. ‘I’m sorry, I’m just not ready for this.’

  Don knocked back his glass and refilled it, draining the last of the wine from the bottle.

  ‘OK,’ he said ‘I’ll get the bill.’

  They were home at 10 p.m., just an hour and a half after they’d left. Bella went straight upstairs to bed, and took Markie, who was still asleep, up with her.

  Don stayed downstairs with his mother and opened a bottle of whisky.

  When Markie woke at 1 a.m., Bella sat up, switched on the sidelight and fed him. As the baby suckled, Bella watched Don fast asleep beside her. He had not even stirred whereas Markie’s smallest cry woke her from deep sleep.

  At 6 a.m., when Bella was woken up by Markie again, Don still slept on soundly. Markie wasn’t ready to go back down straight away, so Bella got up. As she put on a dressing gown, she looked over at her sleeping husband and felt a fresh wave of resentment break over her. She had thought they were going to be ultra modern and share the parenting equally. But it was obvious to her that breastfeeding was letting Don off lightly.

  Don was already back at work, he slept soundly all night and wanted to go out for dinner and have sex and the relationship they’d had before the baby. She was the one who felt that everything had changed for ever and she felt bitterly angry that he couldn’t see that.

  She and Markie were the couple now, Don was the third party. It was Markie she was attuned to, Markie she wanted to make happy and needed to be with. Don felt like just another demand on her time and emotions and she was so physically exhausted, she could barely cope with the baby’s demands.

  Right now, she couldn’t feel anything apart from the mildest affection for Don. Whereas for the baby snuggled against her shoulder she felt the fiercest, most possessive love, passion and need.

  She took Markie downstairs. Maddie joined them soon after 7 a.m. and put the kettle on.

  ‘I’ve had a lovely time, Bella, but I bet you’re looking forward to having the house to yourselves again.’

  ‘Not really,’ Bella said with a smile. ‘You’ve been wonderful. Thank you so much for coming down.’

  ‘I’m sorry if I packed you off for a night out before you were ready for it,’ Maddie added.

  ‘Don’t be,’ said Bella. ‘You weren’t to know, neither was I really. I think Don’s a bit angry with me though.’

  ‘Och, he’ll get over it.’ Maddie poured boiling water into the teapot and brought it over to the table. ‘But don’t leave it too long before you go out again,’ she added. ‘You and Don need each other too.’

  ‘Hmmm. Shall we take a walk round the park after breakfast?’ Bella tried to sound breezy. ‘It’s not too bad, a bit of greenery at least,’ she added. This was about the nicest thing that could be said about the park. It was a dismal stretch of urban grassland bisected with tarred paths and furnished with grimy benches, concrete litter-bins and piles of dog dirt.

  She had wheeled the buggy around it several times and it never cheered her up, in fact it made her depressed. Litter blew about the grass, she had once spotted a used condom lying under the bench and she had never seen any other mothers or children playing there. People just came to the place to shag and let their dogs crap.

  It continued to amaze her that so much money had only bought her a house in this unremarkable part of town. OK, the houses in her street were lovely, but the high street was dire, the park was a pit and there was nowhere to go. No coffee shops – ha, that was a joke – no bookshop, no cinema, no duck pond, no swings for Christ’s sake, just a branch of Mothercare. Is that what she was supposed to do all day now that she had a baby? Go to Mothercare and Boots and hang out?

  She and Maddie put on their coats, bundled Markie into his pram and opened the door on another unseasonably grey and cold June day.

  ‘Goodness,’ said Maddie as she helped lift Markie’s pram down the steps. ‘It’s like November out here.’

  Chapter Thirty

  BELLA SAT AT the kitchen table watching the cold wind shake at a bush in the garden. Tears were streaming down her cheeks but she didn’t care, didn’t even really notice. She was exhausted but couldn’t imagine going back to bed. Markie would wake up as soon as she fell asleep anyway.

  She’d been up since before 5 a.m., feeding, changing, w
inding, sterilizing bottles for the top-up feeds, tidying up the house, feeding, changing, winding, feeding, changing, winding. It was one long endless cycle. Markie was crying less, but not sleeping for the luxurious long naps he had settled into when Maddie was here. Bella blamed herself, what was she doing wrong? In the four days since Maddie had left, Markie had somehow wound himself up again.

  Her nights were wildly interrupted and she was barely making up for the lost sleep with catnaps during the day. As soon as Markie fell asleep, she rushed round the house, tidying up, getting dressed, doing all the things she didn’t have time to do when he was awake. Then just as she lay down and started to relax, he would wake up again. It was like living with a ruthless torturer, except she loved him hopelessly, was driven to despair when he was unhappy. The most sophisticated torture of all.

  Why could she not get this together? Christ, she was still in her dressing gown at 2 p.m., she should probably eat something . . . She brushed the tears from her face and wondered if there was anything in the fridge she could face.

  Then she heard the doorbell. Who on earth was that? There was no time to change, she would have to answer it as she was.

  She went upstairs and considered looking through the peephole first, but then decided ‘oh bugger it, who cares?’ and swung the door open.

  There on the step was Red from the yoga class. Bella had totally forgotten they’d swapped numbers and addresses and said they’d keep in touch.

  ‘Hello,’ Red said, cracking a wide smile which showed beautiful white teeth against her dark skin. ‘I thought I’d come round to show mine off and see yours.’

  She looked just jealous-making lovely, in a tight sports top and wide-legged trousers and trainers, her long ringlets fanning out in the wind. She had a tartan papoose strapped across her front and Bella could just see the hat on the little baby snuggled inside.

  ‘Hello.’ Bella smiled broadly back, surprised at how glad she was to see this woman. ‘Come in, the place is a mess . . . I’m a mess, sorry.’

  ‘Sorry?!!’ said Red, incredulously. ‘Don’t ever apologize. The first six weeks are an absolute hell. Just be thankful everyone’s still alive.’

  Bella burst out laughing.

  ‘Don’t,’ Red said, laughing as well. ‘The pelvic floors can’t take it yet, we’ll pee ourselves.’

  This just made them laugh even more. Bella began to feel quite hysterical, tears were forming in the corner of her eyes and oh God, she was about to cry again.

  She started to sob and Red put an arm round her. ‘I’m so sorry, I wish I’d come sooner,’ she said.

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ Bella managed after a few more moments. ‘We don’t even know each other very well.’

  ‘Well, yeah, but I’ve been here before and I should have thought about you.’ She squeezed Bella’s arm affectionately. ‘Come on, let’s get some tea. Gorgeous house, by the way.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Bella said gratefully and they headed downstairs.

  ‘This is Ellie.’ Red patted the little hat buried deep down in the papoose. ‘Born May 25th, 10.32 a.m., six pounds, nine ounces, after a four-hour labour, epidural, no tear, thank you God, but second babies are easier,’ said Red.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ Bella said. ‘I’d forgotten you already have another one. How old is . . .?’

  ‘He. Jamie is three,’ answered Red. ‘He’s with his dad this afternoon,’ she said as she settled into a chair. ‘Come on, I want all your gory details.’

  Bella busied herself with the kettle and realized she was starving: ‘Do you want a sandwich?’

  ‘Oh yes please,’ said Red. ‘Isn’t breastfeeding the best? An excuse to eat even more food than when you’re pregnant.’

  ‘Brie, ham, pâté or peanut butter?’ said Bella looking into the fridge.

  ‘Yes please,’ said Red with a giggle.

  When they were sitting down with tea and big plates of food in front of them, Bella gave Red her labour low-down and didn’t spare any little detail. It took about half an hour. Bella was amazed the babies were still sleeping.

  ‘It was so much pain,’ she said. ‘I could never have imagined how much pain it was. I didn’t feel I’d been warned either.’

  ‘I don’t think anyone wants to tell pregnant women, in case they spend nine months in a state of panic,’ Red said, then added: ‘Well actually, I could have told you. I did the all-natural home birth thing the first time, but it was so Godawful I told Sandy I was only going to have another one under general anaesthetic. The epidural was our compromise,’ she said in between big mouthfuls, ‘and it was fab, no comparison with bloody gas and air. I think they give you that mouthpiece just to stop you screaming. It doesn’t have any effect at all.’

  They both cackled.

  ‘How are you doing now?’ Red asked.

  ‘I’m just so tired,’ Bella confessed. ‘I didn’t know I’d be awake most of the night, every night . . . because feeding takes so long and he doesn’t want to go back to sleep afterwards.’

  ‘I know,’ Red added. ‘You’ve just got to sleep in the day, sod the housework, sod the cooking, let the whole place fall in around you. You must sleep! Or else you will go loopy loop, stare at the walls, crack up big time.’

  ‘I think I’m already close,’ Bella answered.

  ‘You’re back at work really soon, aren’t you, you brave woman. What do you do again?’ Red asked.

  ‘I’m a management consultant. I’m supposedly back in three weeks’ time, but I haven’t done anything about a nanny. I don’t know where to start and I can’t face it.’ Bella sounded almost tearful again.

  ‘It’s OK,’ said Red. ‘Everything you’re feeling is normal. You’ll be fine.’ She gave an encouraging grin. ‘Just give yourself some time.’

  ‘That’s the one thing I don’t have.’ Bella stared down into her tea. ‘What do you do?’ She looked up at Red.

  ‘I’m an accountant. . . part-time accountant,’ said Red. ‘Well, when Jamie was born, I went back to work full time, but I found it impossible. I hardly saw him, I hardly saw Sandy because he was working so hard and all three of us were exhausted.

  ‘We struggled on for about half a year, then jacked it in and downsized,’ she continued. ‘We sold the house, got a little flat round here and Sandy and I now run our own business together from home. He does most of it and I help out when I can.’

  Red took a gulp of tea then added, ‘I’ve told him absolutely nothing doing until Ellie is at least five months old. I really believe in breastfeeding, it’s good for the baby, establishes immunity and everything but it’s terrible for the mother, so exhausting and such a bind. You can’t leave them for more than four hours max and even then you worry all the time. How are you managing with it?’

  ‘It’s getting better. I give Markie bottle top-ups as well,’ Bella told her. ‘I’m just hoping he’ll take bottle milk in the day and breast milk at night when I go back to work.’

  ‘Good for you,’ said Red. ‘I’ve never managed to get one baby to take as much as a sip from a bottle. But don’t you dare feel guilty if you have to give up breastfeeding once you’re back, you might find it’s just too much. I mean, I was a lunatic, working all day, breastfeeding all night!’

  Bella felt a surge of relief to hear someone else being honest about how hard this all was. It felt wonderfully bonding and conspiratorial.

  Red added: ‘I wouldn’t say it’s impossible working full time in London with a baby but it’s really, really hard. What does your partner do?’

  ‘Don’s a journalist,’ Bella answered.

  ‘Oh yikes!’ said Red. ‘So not around very much?’

  ‘Well, it’s not too bad. Long hours, but he’s not usually out of town more than a week every month.’

  Bella could see the little lights rising on the baby monitor. Markie was starting to stir and she leapt up to get him.

  ‘Oh God, he’s enormous,’ exclaimed Red when Bella brought him down to the kitchen. ‘I’m am
azed you can sit down.’

  ‘Only on cushions!’ Bella laughed and began feeding him.

  When Ellie started to stir, Red didn’t even take her out of the sling, just deftly lifted her top, twanged open a patterned, colourful, actually quite pretty nursing bra, Bella couldn’t help noticing – and her hungry baby latched on, leaving Red with both hands free to cradle her cup of tea.

  ‘I like your outfit,’ said Bella. ‘I can’t get into anything apart from Don’s old stuff. I refuse to wear my maternity things again.’

  Red laughed: ‘Go buy yourself some new sports gear, that’s my tip. It’s very stretchy and covered in logos and stripes which detract from all the lumps and bumps. And I think it looks a bit more racy than leggings and a T-shirt, the uniform of new mums across the western world.’

  It was Bella’s turn to laugh: ‘And what about work clothes? What did you do when you went back?’

  ‘I did wear some maternity things, cunningly disguised,’ Red confessed. ‘But I bought a couple of suits, two or three sizes up and then just had them altered when I got back to normal.’

  ‘I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to normal,’ Bella said looking down at her stomach ruefully.

  ‘You’re joking, right?’ said Red. ‘You are about to become the busiest woman on the planet. You will never sit down, eat properly or get the chance to laze ever again. The pounds will fall off, in fact you’ll have to try and eat extra if you carry on breastfeeding.’

  Bella didn’t really believe her, but it was nice to hear it anyway.

  ‘I’m going to have to go,’ Red said finally. ‘This is my address and phone number, in case you’ve lost them—’ she handed Bella a bright red business card. ‘Just come round or phone, any time, I’d love to see you.’

  They headed upstairs and as Bella opened the door she felt childishly pleased when Red gave her an affectionate kiss on the cheek as she left.

  Markie had fallen into a doze again and Bella went upstairs, inspired to find a new outfit. But there was nothing in the wardrobe she could hope to get into so she donned the tracksuit trousers and tartan shirt again. Depressingly hideous.