As I climb the bus steps, I feel my heart pounding in my chest. Bowie is a distraction I keep telling myself but eventually, another voice inside my head starts to join in, telling me I deserve a little distraction every now and then.
Chapter 8
Bowie
I’m literally running on fumes. It’s been nearly a week since I’ve had more than a few hours of sleep. Between the shop and the radio station, I’m stretched pretty thin as is, but then Ms. Bander’s car had to go break down again. To top it all off tonight are the races but I think this could be the first time my ass gets handed to me. There’s no way I’m going to win when my sight is blurry at best and that’s when I can keep my eyes open.
Mentally, I curse myself for wearing myself down like this. Although, it’s not all my fault every damn time I close my eyes all I see is her, those stormy gray eyes and that burgundy hair. Nothing distracts me from her for too long. Vixx had tried the other night but even that didn’t work. I ended up going home alone with only the memories of Hollis to haunt me and steal more sleep from me. As I pull onto the street where the races are being held tonight I notice there’s a smaller crowd than normal.
I spot Axell and Jagger’s cars and pull in beside them. My brother’s and their wives greet me warmly but I see the flash of concern that comes over Sadie’s face. I quickly avert my attention to Jovi who is talking enthusiastically with Kynlee. I walk up behind him and swing my arm over his shoulders, “What up little brother?”
“Bowie! Man, am I glad to see you!” Jovi exclaims. That’s the great thing about this kid. You can always tell what he’s thinking and usually, he’s pretty easy going and excited.
Kynlee giggles, “Don’t you guys live in the same house.”
It’s the first time I’ve actually looked up and seen Kynlee, my brother Ace’s fiancé, however, seeing Kynlee here wasn’t the shock, it’s the girl standing next to her. Instead of seeing her best friend Kenndrix I’m staring straight into Hollis’ eyes. I didn’t realize that Hollis and Kynlee knew each other, when did that happen? I clear my throat and look avert my attention back to Kynlee, “Yes, we live at the same place.”
“Yeah but you’re always busy working,” Jovi chimes in.
I shrug but I can feel Hollis’ gaze on me the entire time. Ben whistles and I know that’s my que, time to go hand over my buy-in for the race. “Got to go keep my reputation in place,” I tell them with a wink. Jagger, Connor, who is Jagger’s best friend and soon to be brother-in-law if he marries Farrah Parrish, and I make our way over to Ben. Once I place my buy in I head back to my car and slide into position for the race. I’m racing third so I have some time. I allow the music to vibrate through my body right down to my soul as my eyes scan the crowd. I don’t want to admit but the minute my eyes land on hers I feel my confidence rise to an all-time high.
I always wanted to have Hollis on the sidelines when I raced in high school but she’d only gotten to come a couple of times due to the fact that she was scared to leave Alex alone with her parents for too long at night with all the foot traffic their house saw. I understood her concern, so I never pushed the issue or voiced how much I really wanted her at the races. The couple she did go to made her nervous. She worried about me and I hated that but right now… I don’t know but there was something different. There was something different in her eyes.
I was about to show off as immature as that sounds. There is something in the male DNA that makes us want to show off. We feel this need to puff out our chests and prove we are the best. We want to be indestructible, unstoppable, invincible and any other word that you can think of. To some extent, all males are still stuck in the cavemen era or at least I think so. We still think that the guy that has the most or wins the most will get the girl. Right now Hollis is standing on the sidelines and I’m about to prove why I should be the one she picks.
Normally, when I race it’s to escape. I’m racing but really I’m running. I’m running from my past, the memories that still haunt me, the feeling that I can’t let go and what could have been. I run because it’s during those fleeting moments while my foot is heavy on the accelerator, the music thumping through my chest, the salty air blowing through my open windows, the heart-stopping speed that sends my stomach falling to my feet, the nearly impossible turns that make me grind my teeth, the moment those people, cars, and buildings beside me become a blur, I’m finally free from it all.
I don’t have to be anything or anyone. It’s just me, my car, my instincts, and the road. So much of my life has been predicted for me either by where I grew up, my last name or reputation but this… this I have a say so in. It’s only me and my decisions when I’m behind the wheel racing. If I mess up, then it’s on me. If I win it’s on me. I can’t blame anyone else but myself. So many things have been yanked away from me in the past that were far beyond my control like my mom, dad, Hollis, Alex… so many lives lost that I couldn’t stop that I crave these moments of control.
Everyone thinks I’m crazy because I push harder than anyone else behind the wheel. They think I’m crazy because I’ll drive faster than anyone out here. They think I’m crazy because I’ll go into a turn at a speed that is far beyond the speed that would be deemed safe and hell, who knows maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m crazy or maybe, it’s that I have nothing else to lose or at least that’s what I used to think but now… now I don’t know. Hollis being back could change it all.
I pull up to the line and my eyes land on hers. I see the flash of worry in her eyes. I notice the little v that forms between her eyes and the way she’s gnawing on her bottom lip. I know she’s worried about me and if she’s worried that means she still cares and if she still cares then maybe there’s still a chance but a chance at what is really the question? All I know is I have to show her there’s no reason to worry. I rev my engine and wait for the signal. I wink at Hollis right before I take off from the line. Everything becomes a blur and I realize that maybe I’m not running after all. Maybe I’m chasing. Maybe all these years I’ve been chasing all of it.
****
I’m walking down the sidewalk back toward my brothers, back toward Hollis. I won my race and to be honest I feel on top of the world. As I pass the throngs of people that gather at most of the races I receive congratulations, pats on the back, high fives and handshakes. It’s funny that most of us can feel when someone is watching, almost like a sixth sense. As I turn around and continue toward my brothers, I see her stormy gray eyes locked on me. I watch as she studies me. I can’t decipher the look in her eyes but it makes me curious. As I reach them Kynlee smiles at me, “Good job Bowie, it’ll make Ace worry less to know that you and Jagger are keeping the James reputation alive and well.”
I chuckle, “Yeah well you tell my brother to win that damn competition or our reputations are all blown.” Kynlee laughs and shakes her head.
She opens her mouth to speak but just as she’s about to say something a pair of arms wraps around my torso. “Who knew watching you race would be so hot?” I hear Vixx ask, her warm breath cutting through the fabric of my shirt.
I wrap my hands around Vixx’s wrists and pull her around to face me, “You really should know better to walk up behind someone when their adrenaline is at an all-time high and wrap your arms around them, especially if it’s a James.”
Vixx cocks her to the side and smirks at me which she probably thinks is cute. Hell, I probably would have thought it was cute a few weeks ago before Hollis walked back into my life. I’ve got to make a decision here. I can’t keep pulling Vixx along if I’m going to try to make something happen with Hollis. At the same time, I’m not sure my pride, ego or heart can handle the damage that Hollis will do it if she disappears again. It’s taken ten years and just hearing her name runs my heart through the wringer. Vixx’s voice breaks into my thoughts, “Why especially a James?”
“Because we hit first and ask questions later. Don’t want to mess up that face of yours.�
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Vixx tosses her long purple hair back over her shoulder, “Well, we both know I don’t mind it… rough…” she comments as she bites down on her lip.
A gagging noise comes from behind Vixx and I see Kynlee grabbing onto Kenndrix’s arm. “Apparently slut r’ us has arrived and needs to get a room.”
Vixx swings around and starts toward Kynlee, “You little bi—“ I grab Vixx mid-stride and yank her back causing her and her words to stop immediately.
“Retract your damn claws, Vixx.” She looks up at me with wide eyes, but a sneer is on her face. She’s pissed. However, I can easily say that I’m not concerned that she’s pissed because I’m too distracted trying to find Hollis in the crowds of people. Vixx yanks her arms free and spins around toward me to glare then moves past me. I shake my head.
Kynlee steps forward, “I’m sorry, Bowie I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”
“Look, Hollis isn’t here but you do have to work with Vixx so you better go make sure things aren’t too strained between Y'all,” I nod and head in the direction that Vixx headed. I catch up to her easily enough.
I grab her arm and pull her to a stop. “What was all that back there?” I ask nodding my head in the direction we just came from.
“Call me crazy but I don’t like being referred to as a slut.”
“I get that but you have to admit walking up implying sexual stuff isn’t exactly nonslutty territory Vixx. A lot of people aren’t a fan of your bitchy attitude and Kynlee isn’t the one to sit by and let shit slide,” I try to explain as nicely as I can.
“Do you think I’m a slut?”
I shake my head, “I didn’t say that but I think what has gone on between us should stay behind closed doors.”
She scoffs, “That’s funny coming from you and your man-whore reputation.”
“I have a reputation but I don’t go around airing my damn dirty laundry everywhere either, there’s a damn difference and you know it,” Vixx studies and I watch as her eyes soften. Then it occurs to me that maybe this… arrangement between us has gone on too long. I’ve never seen that look in Vixx’s eyes and it makes me wonder if there is something more going on here than what she’s telling me. Her reaction could easily be classified as jealous.
Vixx steps toward me and wraps her arms around my waist. I know that I need to be careful since Vixx and I do work together. Part of the reason our show has, so many listeners is because of our chemistry on air. I don’t want to make it tensioned filled. “Why don’t you come hang out with me?” She tiptoes and presses her lips to mine.
In the middle of the kiss I feel someone watching me and when I open my eyes, I see Hollis standing in the middle of the sidewalk with her eyes frozen on the scene in front of her. I know how this must look to her but it’s not really what she thinks, but that’s the lamest line in the books. Before I can even make a decision Hollis turns around and walks as fast as she can without running. I watch as her burgundy and platinum streaked hair disappears.
Chapter 9
Hollis
It’s been a week since my outing with Bowie and a couple of days since the races where my flight or fight kicked in. Old habits die hard considering that the first thing I did was run, but while I was sitting on my floor looking through the old pictures from my past, letting my memories flood my mind I realized that running would do nothing. I thought about what Alex would have wanted from life for me, for himself and I don’t know for sure but what I do know is that there is no way he would have wanted this. Somewhere along the line, I fell asleep.
I awake to the mid-morning sunshine casting light across the floor from the blinds in the living room and Elliot giving me morning kisses. I stretch my body but it’s achy and stiff from sleeping on the hard floor all night. Once I’m up Elliot beelines for the door. I quickly change and put his leash on before heading outside. It’s while I’m walking him that I realize there is something I have to do today. As soon as I can, I lead Elliot back to the apartment.
I’m sitting behind the wheel of my truck staring at the open gates. I attempt to take a deep calming breath before crossing into the land I vowed I’d never go into. Slowly, I ease my way through the gates. I try not to let my vision stray from the small road ahead of me, the cement gray and bright colors of flowers tempt my eyes to stray but somehow I manage to keep my eyes trained ahead. Finally, I reach my destination. I pull my car a little to the side and cut the engine.
As I get out I realize I probably should have brought something with me. I stare at my empty hands longer than necessary as I feel my anxiety and bile rise through my body. I don’t want to bring seven-year-old boy flowers, they don’t seem appropriate. I wipe my sweaty palms on the thighs of my jeans. Looking up, I start to weave my way toward his grave. I reach where his tiny body was laid to rest.
I figured it’d be harder to find since he had no headstone but there is a headstone. I don’t know how but there is one. I knew when the state buried my family they would only supply the minimal and I know the minimal does not include a headstone. There’s a tiny toy car sitting on the headstones base.
I try to take a deep breath to calm my overactive nerves but I can barely get the air past the lump in my throat. My eyes burn as if I’m standing in the line of smoke but really it’s the tears burning my eyes, fighting to break free. For the past ten years, I haven’t allowed myself to break and I won’t let that happen now. I have to hold myself together. I have no one to rely on so there is no time for weakness. With my blurred vision, I can barely make out his name.
I kneel on the ground and run my hands over the worn plate, Alexander Paul Foust. My mind flashes with images of him and my heart feels like it’s being ripped from my body. I cover my mouth and mumble “I’m sorry,” over and over until a sob and inhuman noise escapes me. I try to calm myself. I try to breathe but I’m breaking, I’m losing it and I can’t stop it. I can’t control it. It’s not until a pair of strong, warm arms enfold my body that I even realize someone else is in the cemetery with me. The arms pull me back against a warm muscled chest and the familiar smell fills my senses. He presses a kiss to the back of my head which only causes me to sob harder. “I left him all alone…,” I mumble through my sobs.
I feel his head shake before he turns me around to face him. The sunlight beating down on him from behind makes it hard to decipher his features but those cobalt eyes are visible. “He hasn’t been alone, Holl,” I see the sincerity in his eyes.
It dawns on me slowly through my grief haze, the headstone, the toy car, Bowie being here right now. I raise my eyes to meet his again. “You?” I ask as I motion toward Alex’s grave. He shrugs slightly like it’s no big deal but it’s a huge deal to me. He didn’t owe Alex anything. He didn’t owe me anything, but that’s Bowie. He has this undeniable heart of gold that he tries to hide away from the world. “Why?”
He releases me and starts to pace a little back and forth, rubbing his hands through his messy hair. The chill of his absence fills me the instant his arms leave me so I wrap mine around myself in an attempt to keep warm. Bowie stops pacing, his back to me and I can see him sigh in defeat. “He was all I had left of you. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I’d come out here and it felt like a piece of you was still here. I loved Alex as much as I loved you, Hollis. I didn’t need any more reason than that in the books.”
“The car?” I ask.
A sad, quiet laugh leaves his body and turns around to face me. “Originally, I was going to bring flowers but then I remembered that one day we all went to the park together and I picked you all those dandelions and wildflowers, do you remember that?” I just nod in response because my throat is so clogged with emotion. “I remember after I gave them to you that Alex and I headed for the swing set. On the way over he told me how much he didn’t like flowers. He thought they were girly and uncool. So, the first time I came after the headstone was delivered
a few months after his funeral I brought flowers but as I was getting ready to place them in the vase when that conversation came back to me. I chuckled because I could hear his words as clear as day. So, I took the flowers and placed them on some person’s grave that didn’t have any and went to the store and bought a toy car. Ever since then I bring a car for Alex and now my dad, flowers for my mom, Harlyn, and Harper.” Bowie gets a faraway look in his eyes and rubs the back of his neck. “You know this place didn’t use to be so full of the people I loved. Sadly, Alex was just the beginning.” He takes a deep breath, “You left, but he wasn’t alone. I promised you that multiple times. I promised you that you guys would never be alone as long as I was around I keep my promises.”
I nod slowly despite my erratically beating heart. Bowie’s actions, Bowie’s words… they give me hope. Despite the fact that I know that hope does a person like me no good. I feel the hope start to flicker just like when you’re trying to light a candle and you’re waiting to see if the wick is going to take the flame. Right now I need something to wash the flame out before it becomes an uncontrollable fire. Because that’s what Bowie is for me, an uncontrollable wildfire of hope and it scares the hell out of me.
Hope was not something I grew up knowing. I was born to parents who were shellfish and didn’t give a damn about me. I learned early on all I could ever count on was myself but then Bowie comes along, all knight in shining armor and safe haven. He lit my soul up with things I had only heard about but didn’t believe in. Kindness, love, hope, those were things that Bowie showed me every day whether he knew it or not. Those simple things started to flicker the moment he chose not to say anything about the lunch I had stashed inside my backpack and they grew from there. Until one day I realized my soul was a raging fire that no amount of water could put out. He had opened me up and dove in head first, ignoring the scars and broken pieces of my soul. He wiped my jaded outlook on life away and replaced with happily ever after, at least until we saw those flashing lights and three black body bags in front of my house.
Force of Impact (The James Brothers Series Book 3) Page 5
