“I would have gone with you!”
“I know you would have that’s why I didn’t say goodbye. I knew that if I told you, that you’d pack what you could and come with me, but your family needed you, Bowie. Your brothers, your dad, your mom… I couldn’t take you away from all that. Just because what family I had was gone didn’t mean yours was. I loved you too much to ask you to come with me,” she says looking me straight in the eye. Hollis is right if I had known her plan I would have come with her. I wouldn’t have hesitated for one moment to think about any of my family because she was my family but clearly I didn’t mean as much to her. “I wanted to come back. I kept telling myself I’d back once I was eighteen and the state wouldn’t care what was going on with me. I had heard enough horror stories about foster homes with girls my age. The last thing I wanted to was that, so I kept telling myself I only had like two years then I’d be back here and we’d be together again. But so much changed in two years, I had changed so much and I was… ashamed of how life was, of the things I had done to survive. So, I promised myself that I’d get life straightened out then come back but by the time I finally seemed to get a little on solid ground it had been almost six years. It was just too long for me to just show back up. I didn’t know if you’d still be here. I didn’t know if you’d married or not. I didn’t know anything. All I knew was that I wasn’t the same Hollis. I wasn’t the girl that you fell in love with and those six years when you’re that young seems like forever.”
Her words sink in and they make sense. All of it makes sense. Even if I don’t want it to, it does. If I had been her shoes and forced to make life-changing decisions at fifteen, I might have made the same ones but she was married. That I don’t know how to handle, “You were married, Hollis. I sat here for ten years and knew that no matter what I could never love someone the way I loved you so I couldn’t find the point in relationships, let alone marriage but you did. You married someone else and I don’t know how to process that.”
I turn to leave, my hand on the knob of her front door when she steps in front of me. She has managed to squeeze herself between me and the door. “Yes, I was married because it was convenient because it was a means to an end. I can’t say that I didn’t care about David because I did but I never loved him. He thought he loved me but he didn’t even know me. He didn’t even know my real name, Bowie. He thought I picked Holly because I loved Breakfast at Tiffany’s, he had no clue it was because my real name could be shortened to it. You. You are the only person who knows me, all of me. You know the Hollis I was when I was fifteen and now you know the Hollis I’ve been for the past ten years. At the end of it all, it was always you, Bowie. I was thousands of miles away and it was still you. I was married, and it was still you.” She looks down at the floor taking a deep breath then brings her eyes back up to mine, “I’m here right now and it’s still you.”
Before I can even understand what I’m doing before I can even make a conscious decision I pull Hollis into me and brush my lips against hers. It feels just as different, just as right, as it did that night in the field all those years ago because it’s with, Hollis.
****
Hollis
When I wake up the warmth in the bed startles me at first but slowly, the memories from last night come back. Bowie and I had been in a frenzied rush but now I have the time to truly appreciate the man he has become. The steady rhythm of his heartbeat calms me in a way nothing else can. My head is on his chest, the rise and fall of his chest is a like a lullaby to me. My hand traces over his abs and back up. So many nights I had wondered if I’d ever get another chance with Bowie. Back then it had seemed like an impossible dream but now that I’m lying here with Bowie I feel the need to pinch myself.
I had made myself a promise once David and I found out he was terminal. I promised myself I would stand by him until the end because he deserved that much but that I would come back to L.A. and I would just see where Bowie was at, where life had taken him. Everything happened much quicker than I could have planned by ending up working for his little brother but then I guess that was fate’s way of telling me to go for it, but now that I had, was this all just for one night? The thought of this being it made a lump form in my throat. I don’t even realize I have tears running down my face until Bowie stirs and cups my face. “What’s wrong?” I shake my head while sitting up. Moving away from Bowie sends the chilly air over my body, covering my skin in goosebumps. I feel the bed shift as Bowie sits up and moves toward me. “Hollis talk to me,” he pleads, while moving my hair from my face.
“Maybe…” I say, taking in a gulp of air trying to find my voice, “Maybe, we didn’t think this through. I mean we got so caught up last night and…”
Bowie forces me to look toward him, “Do you regret this?”
I sit for a minute just staring into those cobalt blue eyes that are my safe place before shaking my head, “No, I just don’t want it to be only this one time.”
Bowie sighs before leaning down and kissing me slowly but with so much passion that I feel it all over my body. There’s no way I could walk because my legs feel like Jell-O. My head is foggy and spinning and all I can see is Bowie, “I love you, Hollis. I loved you back then and I love you now. I don’t plan on ever letting you go again.”
A sob bursts from my chest as Bowie cradles me against his. Those words are my undoing because they are my salvation. They are the only words I needed to hear, and they had to come from him. Bowie has always been and always will be my safe haven and without him, my life felt meaningless and pointless. I was jumping from one disaster to the next trying to find my safe place to land, thinking I could find another person or place that made me feel like Bowie did, but I think I knew in my heart all along that it had to be here and it had to be with him.
Once my crying calms Bowie pulls me away from his chest, cradling my head in his hands, he stares at me and I watch as a range of emotions fights through them. I watch as a war battles within those eyes that are so guarded to everyone but me. Finally, Bowie rests his forehead against mine and takes a deep breath, almost as if he’s pulling strength from me only I have none left. He opens his eyes just inches from mine and almost in a whisper, like he’s scared to speak too loudly because he’s afraid of the answer he says, “Marry me.”
Chapter 15
Bowie
Those two words had just slipped out, but I had never been more certain about anything before. I'd be lying if I said I had never considered marriage with Hollis. The few times marriage had crossed my mind it had been with her. She was the only one I could see that dream with because this Bowie only existed when she was around. I know that she thought telling me about her life the past ten years was going to change the way I saw her and maybe it did but it changed it for the better. I no longer saw the broken girl who needed a place to hide. No, now I saw a woman who was a fighter, so incredibly strong the things that broke most people only made Hollis fight harder and somehow she still managed to be a ray of light. I was the man I was meant to be, the man I wanted to be when I was with her.
I watch as emotions run through Hollis' eyes. Finally, she clears her throat and stares at the wall, "Why would you want to marry me?"
"Because I love you, is there another reason to get married?" I ask her with a chuckle.
She shakes her head and looks at her clasped hands in her lap, "After what I told you last night... my past, how can you?"
"My past is far from perfect Hol. I'm not proud of who I've been and everything I've done. Hell, I have a rap sheet that's at least half the size of the Bible for all the fighting I've done. I've spent meaningless, countless nights with women to fill a void that only you can fill. I won't lie. I'm a terrified baby. The only two women I have ever loved, you and my mother, have both left at some point." Admitting all this is not my normal but if we are going to move forward, I have to lay it all out on the table. We have to each come clean with one another and Hollis did that last nig
ht now it's my turn as much as I hate it. She was worried I'd see her differently, but she had reasons for actions but I really don't. Yeah, I was heartbroken and angry at the world for yanking my entire existence from me in a matter of two months. I take a deep breath and stand up to face Hollis. "My mom lost her battle with cancer a month, one week and four days after you left. I felt like I lost everything at once. I wasn't thinking about my dad or brothers after she died and you disappeared I couldn't deal with anything. I was numb to everything but the anger and betrayal I was feeling. I spent my days messing with my car and working at the shop and my nights were filled with racing, drinking myself into oblivion until I either found a girl to distract me for a few brief moments or got in a fight. I ended up spending more nights in jail than I did at home. That anger was eating at me and I let it control everything. I did that for a couple of years until Axell got a hold of my ass and sat it straight," I pause taking a deep breath before continuing, "I got my head back on a little bit straighter after that, less drinking, less useless fights. I channeled my anger into my racing and that helped. It was at some point last year that I really started to get myself together. See, my past ain't so pretty either."
Hollis stands up after slipping on my t-shirt. As she stands in front of me she holds onto my hands, “Are you absolutely sure about this?”
I nod my head, “Yes. I need to know that you want this though, that you are sure, and that you aren’t going to run.”
“Bowie, I love you and I’m not running and to prove that I’m not going to run again… let’s get married!” I have her scooped up in my arms before she can even let out a startled yelp. She’s laughing as I crash my lips into hers. This feeling of utter happiness and contentment washes over me. This feeling is strong enough to flood out all my anger.
****
I left Hollis at her place to shower, get dressed and packed for our trip to Vegas. However, I didn’t tell her that while I was packing for our trip, I was also rounding up my family. I had called Axell, Jagger, and Ace who had just gotten back from his stint on reality TV and asked them to meet me at the shop. I wasn’t sure how my brothers were going to react to this news. They understood that I loved Hollis but after seeing what losing her caused me I wasn’t sure they trusted her. I hear Guns n Roses coming from inside the shop. Once I’m inside, I head past the cars for Axell’s office. Apparently, I’m the last to arrive because Axell is sitting behind his desk, Jagger and Ace were both sitting in the chairs in front of the desk. They were all holding coffee cups in their hands.
As I enter the office my brothers all turn to face me and for some reason that sets off my nerves. Ace levels me with a glare, “This better be good Bo because I just got back, and I had plans for Kynlee today.”
I chuckle, “Well, how about you move those plans you have for Kynlee from here to Vegas.”
Jagger gives me a questioning look, “Why would he want to do that?”
“I don’t know I just thought that my brothers would like to be there when I get married.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Axell asks rising from his seat.
“I second that,” Jagger asks.
Ace scoffs, “Hell I’ll third that and fourth that for Jovi.”
Rolling my eyes at them I start to explain, “Hollis and I are leaving for Vegas in a few hours to get married. I’d love to have everyone there, my brothers and now an extended family with Sadie, Londynn, and Kynlee. I’m also going to try to get a hold of Roscoe and Lane.”
I see Axell fuming. Ace is too shocked to speak but Jagger always the calm one, always the one to follow his heart and the voice of reason many times stands up and places a hand on my shoulder. He stares into my eyes for a moment then asks, “Is this what you really want, to be married to Hollis?”
I make sure to meet his stare so he knows just how much I want this, “Yes, this is exactly what I want. I’m actually pretty damn sure I’ve never wanted anything more.”
After a few moments Jagger finally nods his head, “Okay then, I’m going to go grab Londynn then head over and pack us up. Just let me know when you're ready to head out." Jagger turns to look at Ace, those two were a lot like Axell and I. They had a different bond. "I suggest you do the same, Ace." Ace sighs as he gets up from his chair and makes his way over to the door. He still looks beyond confused.
Once our brothers are out of earshot and the door has shut behind them Axell turns to me, "Please, tell me this is some kind of joke."
I take a seat in the chair that Ace just vacated and prop my feet on Axell's desk while placing my hands behind my neck. I give Axell my biggest grin, "I could tell you that but I've made this habit of trying not to lie to y'all, especially you."
Axell lets his head fall back, his hands rub the back of his neck as he stares at the ceiling, "What the hell are you thinking Bo?"
"I'm thinking that I love Hollis, always have and always will."
"Bo, I know you love her. It's not your feelings I question. Hell, I don't even question her feelings, you can see it in her eyes. She's always loved you but I don't trust her. Hollis is strong-willed and determined which are both great qualities but not with the kind of life she's been dealt. Those qualities tend to turn her into a flight risk and I'm sorry to be the messenger but I don't want to see you go down that path again. Last time she disappeared I really thought you'd went off the deep end... for good," Axell explains meeting my eyes.
I sigh in frustration because I knew that out of all my brothers, Axell would be the one to give me hell. I also know that he's only saying this shit because he loves me and is looking out for me but that doesn't mean it doesn't frustrate me. "Last time I also had the loss of our mother to contend with. Look, I know I was a mess, but that was over a decade ago. Hollis was a part of this family before she left and I'm about to officially make her a part of it with or without your blessing. I do hope that you and Sadie will be there but if not I guess I can forgive you for that." I get up and make my way to the door. I stop when my hand touches the doorknob, "I love her Axell, the way you love Sadie. I'd do anything for her, I'm even willing to take this risk," sighing again I tell him, "I'm going to sign Jovi out of school. I want him there. I want you all there."
****
Hollis
I hopped in the shower as Bowie left. My nerves were all over the place and I needed a moment to collect myself and raging emotions. My nerves weren't over marrying Bowie, it was more about the rush of it. Not that it really mattered. I had no family to break this news too, I had no friends to squeal in excitement over. I had Elliot and Bowie. Taking a deep breath I stare at myself in the mirror. In my heart, I know this is the right decision. I know that marrying Bowie, having my life with him, knowing that my future is with him is what I've always wanted but I still worry that he's rushing into this. I worry that once he's had time to process everything I told him about my life over the past decade last night that he'll change his mind. Maybe, then he'll see me different.
Letting my guard down around Bowie last night was bad enough. Losing him once we are married would devastate me. Once I let in the idea that I'm actually Bowie's wife... well the idea of losing him at that point might just kill me. I scrub my hands over my face because I have a wedding to get ready for and standing here worrying over a future that hasn't happened yet is ridiculous. Once I'm out of the shower and dressed I pace around my tiny apartment. My phone rings and I expect it to be Bowie but instead, I see Kynlee's number, "Hello?"
"Well hello bride to be! I just heard the news. Congratulations! I'm so happy for you guys. Anyway, I was packing when it dawned on me that you don't have a place to leave Elliot so I called my best friend Kenndrix and asked her if he could stay with them until we get back and she said yes. They have a small house with a backyard so it'll be perfect plus she's great with animals," Kynlee finally stops and takes a breath.
"Oh goodness, I hadn't even thought about what I was going to do with Elli
ot in the haste of everything. Are you sure your friend won't mind?" I asked, feeling like a horrible dog mom for not even thinking about going off and leaving Elliot.
Kynlee laughs, "I'm totally sure. I'll text you her address. Pack up Elliott's things and take him over since she's at home right now."
"Okay! I can do that. Thank you so much Kynlee."
"No problem. I'll see you in a bit," Kynlee replies with a squeal of delight.
I can't help but laugh. When I first met Kynlee, I wasn't sure what to make of her and I really wasn't sure I'd even like her but she has become the closest thing I have to a friend here. I grab a bag and start to pack up some of Elliot's favorite toys, food, and his bed. I get his leash on and head over to the address that Kynlee sent me. As I hit the staircase, I notice Elliott’s reaction the same time an eerie feeling washes over me. Elliott is standing stark still his eyes scanning the area. I step in front of Elliott in a hurry to get to the safety of my car. Elliott isn’t coming so I tug his leash forward. I let out a sigh of relief once we make it into the car safely but I can’t shake the feeling of being watched. I look in every direction that I can but I see nothing except for a mother and her baby getting out of their car, “You’re losing it, Hollis.”
Once I’m on the road, I still scan my surroundings because I can’t seem to shake the feeling of being watched but I don’t notice anything out of the ordinary just the normal flow of traffic. I sigh and turn on the radio in hopes it will calm my rattled nerves. I see the small one-story house as soon as I turn onto the road. Kenndrix opens the door with a big smile on her face. Kynlee was a right, of course, Elliott took to Kenndrix instantly and she reassured me that it was no problem to keep him.
Force of Impact (The James Brothers Series Book 3) Page 9
