Well, one thing changed. The doctors were doing a test on Hollis and found that she was pregnant. I had managed to keep myself from breaking down in front of anyone until I heard those words. Axell and Jagger had been with me and somehow kept me upright. The doctor didn’t know how to explain it. With the extent of blood loss, Hollis experienced she should have miscarried, but the baby was alive and seemed to be healthy. The heartbeat is strong. The baby is fighting. I just hope Hollis is too.
I move the chair closer to Hollis and hold her hand while I pray for the millionth time to anyone or anything that can hear me. It was bad enough with the idea of Hollis being gone but I always assumed she was out in the world somewhere living, but if she doesn’t make it through this… well, I don’t know if I can take that. I’m so lost between my thoughts and prayers that I don’t hear Ace when he enters. It isn’t until he places his hand on my shoulder that I realize he’s here. He holds out a sack of food and soda for me to take, I start to shake my head but he glares at me, “Damn it, Bowie. You’ve barely eaten since she’s been in here and I get it. If this were Kynlee, the last thing I’d be concerned about is food but if you don’t eat, you’re going to end up right next to her so get your shit together and eat at least.”
“You do know I’m your older brother?”
He smirks, “Yeah I do but right now you need some guidance. Look eat this food, go in there,” Ace says, motioning toward the bathroom in Hollis’ room, “and take a shower and shave. Kynlee and I will stay with her.” I hate the idea of leaving her but I also know Ace is right.
Kynlee steps forward and gives me a small smile, “I won’t leave her side until you get back.”
I relent and slowly get up from the chair. Ace urges me forward as we make our way to the hospital’s cafeteria. We sit in silence while I eat the food he brought me. Ace was never much of a talker and right now I’m thankful for that. Once I’ve finished Ace levels me with his stare. He slides a white envelope across to me, “I know you don’t want to but you need to read this.”
I start to shake my head the moment I see her handwriting. “Where the hell did you get that?”
“It was in my room at the shop. Today’s the first day I went back in to make sure we can open back up and I saw it. I’m assuming she knows you well enough to know you don’t want to read this. That’s why she’s made sure two of them find their way to you.”
“I’m not reading it.”
Ace raises his eyebrows, “Why?”
“Because I don’t need to, damn it.” I get up from the table and storm off down the hallways until I’m outside under the tree I see from Hollis’ room. I lean against the trunk with my hands on my knees and drag air into my body.
“You don’t need or you don’t want to?”
“Ace,” I say in warning, while I stand and glare back at him.
He sighs, “Look you’re wrong, you do need to read this even if you don’t want to. You have to accept this at some point.”
“Accept what?”
Ace holds out the letter to me, “That she loved you enough to risk it all.”
I hold the letter in my hand and it feels like the weight of the world. If I read her words then it’s real. This whole damn situation is real. The possibility of losing Hollis for good. The possibility that our future could be gone. The letter is her letter goodbye. This is her letter of explanation and as curious as I am to read what she said, I don’t know if I can.
When I re-enter the room, I don’t look at Hollis, I don’t look at Kynlee and I don’t look at Ace. I walk directly into the bathroom and shut the door. I stare at my reflection. I don’t even recognize myself. There’s a void in my heart and it shows in my eyes. How do I go on without her if it comes to that?
Finally, with shaky hands, I open the letter. Her handwriting is like a punch to the gut knocking the air out of me. This could be the very last thing that Hollis says to me and that thought alone shreds me. There are some wrinkles and smudges almost as if she were crying while writing this letter. I run my thumb over them.
Bowie,
I know that if you’re reading this letter, then the worst-case scenario happened and for that, I’m truly sorry. I really thought I could beat this one. You’ve been saving me since the day that we met and I just wanted to save you for a change. I wanted to give us the future we deserved without my past demons haunting us.
You deserved so much and I wanted to give it all to you and this was honestly the only way I knew how to silence all these demons. I hope you’re not upset that I went to David’s dad, but I knew he had connections that we didn’t. He found out that Rex had been cast out of the cartel for killing my family. Apparently, that wasn’t his orders and by disobeying he shined a light on the cartel’s activity. Rick was the only one who could find that out. He wanted to make sure that if it came down to having to kill him that there would be no more repercussions to follow. There won’t be of that I’m sure.
Regardless of how this all ends I want you to know how thankful I am for whatever higher power put you into my life. I’m so thankful that it was you who bumped into me in the hallway that day at school. I was invisible to everyone but you and you have no idea how much that means to me. You saw me when no one else did. You showed me that I was worth loving and that risking it all is scary but worth it even if you don’t get forever. You, Bowie James, gave my life meaning, you gave it hope, and you gave it happiness. You gave the ordinary girl who had absolutely nothing except her little brother a fairytale, you gave that girl everything. I love you don’t even seem like enough. It doesn’t express the amount of love my heart holds for you.
The day we said our vows they were simple and sweet but I could go on for days about the love I have for you, about the man you are and about how you taught me what unconditional love is. You taught me what true love is and that it can survive any obstacle put in front of it. I’m sorry I ran all those years ago but I’m glad I got to have you again. I’m so happy I got to marry you and call you my husband even if it was only for the short amount of time. Loving you is my greatest accomplishment and biggest blessing.
Now, this is the part of the letter you don’t want to read but please do so. If you’re reading this, then I’m gone but you’re not. You need to mourn me and move on. You still have a future and I want you to have that. That’s all I wanted. That’s why I did all of this. You have a future with none of my demons and I want you to live it. I want you to race your heart out. I want you to watch the sunrise and appreciate its beauty. I want you to go dancing in the rain. I want you to do everything on your bucket list and then some but most of all I want you to fall in love again. I know you which means that I also know that at this moment you don’t think that’s possible but I promise you it is and I want that for you. Please, do this for me.
The sound of screaming machines blares through the bathroom despite the closed door, a running shower and slamming the heart in my chest. All I hear are the machines and my pulse. Once I open the bathroom door I’m met by a swarm of nurses and doctors. Medical talk is being thrown here and there and the machines are still screaming, telling me my worst nightmare has come to life. I lean against the wall for support, helpless at this moment, Hollis’ letter forgotten. Ace and Kynlee are by my side in an instant but I’m numb.
I watch as the doctor’s work tirelessly on Hollis. I watch as the inject medicine into her. I watch as they try to revive her but nothing stops the screaming, but it isn’t until that moment that I realize… it isn’t just the machines screaming, it’s me too.
****
Hollis
They say when you die that your life flashes before your eyes or that you see a bright, white light. I don’t see my life flash before me. I don’t see any light except for his eyes. I only see one thing… Bowie.
Epilogue
Bowie
I drive down the road with my windows down. The ocean beside me. The salty air freeing me. I�
��m chasing the sunrise just like she wanted. I’m trying to appreciate the beauty of it but nothing could ever compare to her beauty.
This week is going to be busy, so I thought I’d start it off right. French toast from that little place Jagger likes so well. French toast is a guilty pleasure of mine. This week is going to be more than busy between two baby showers, a bachelor party and a wedding has my head already spinning.
The sun is dancing off the ocean, and it glistens causing me to slow down. Slowing down is odd for me especially since I’ve been chasing the blur for years. I chased the numbness I found in the blur but now I’m actually trying to slow down and take it all in. Appreciate it for what it’s all worth. Just one of the many things she taught me.
The familiar chords of the song caught my attention as it starts. Heaven by Warrant, it fills the car and I find myself looking up at the visor where I have her picture. Her eyes stare back at me and that smile warms me. I’m trying to do what she asks, but it’s not always easy. I’ve been so used to doing things my way but I’d do anything for her.
There’s one thing I can’t do. I can’t love another the way I love her. I love her so completely, she is my heaven and nothing will change that. I pull back into the driveway, grab the French toast and make my way inside. I grab a mug and pour me some coffee while grabbing a bottle of water. I place it all on the nightstand then crawl back into bed and wrap my arms around her waist.
I feel the tiny kick while pressing a kiss to her cheek, “Good morning wifey.”
She groans and shakes her head, “You know I hate that pet name.”
I smirk before pressing a kiss to her lips, “Well, I happen to love it.”
She sits up while sighing, “Why?”
“Because it reminds me to slow down and appreciate it all. I almost lost you,” I stop and rub my hand over the growing baby bump, “Both of you and calling you wifey reminds me that I got lucky.”
She smiles and I see the tears in her eyes. Being pregnant has made Hollis more emotional than normal. She pats the bump, “I think we are the ones who got lucky.”
“You’re right. You guys are lucky because,” I tell her while I reach over and grab the food off the nightstand. “I got y’alls favorite.”
She squeals while grabbing hers, “I love you, Bowie James!”
“I love you too Hollis James,” I tell her before pressing a kiss to her lips. “I love you too Annalynn Hope James,” I tell her before pressing a kiss to my growing daughter. I look into those stormy gray eyes and feel so much it overwhelms me. That day in the hospital that I lost her rocked my world. After they managed to revive Hollis, they checked on the baby, everything seemed okay but they couldn’t make any promises because it didn’t look good. Two days later Hollis woke up. It’s been six months now and the only sign of that night with Rex is the scar on Hollis’ chest. I think it’s beautiful because it helps remind me of just how amazing she is. How strong and selfless, all the things I hope she passes on to our daughter, who is partly named after my mother.
Every morning when I wake up next to Hollis I have to pinch myself just so I know all of this is real. This is my life. Hollis is my wife and we are having a little girl of our own. My life has become something I never expected but everything I dreamed of all because of her. My mom was right she came back. Hollis says I gave her hope, but she showed me that hoping for things is worth it.
Force of Impact (The James Brothers Series Book 3) Page 15
