Offside: A Bad Boy Sports Romance

by Abbey Foxx

  “Fucked up, Jasper?”

  “You can’t avoid us forever, Jasper.”

  “Comments, please?”

  “Fuck off.”

  “Anything else to say?”

  I’m a little drunk, and a lot pissed off. I shouldn’t do it but I can’t help myself. These people are like the scum of the earth and they need to be told. I grab one of the cameras, wrench it out of the guys hand and look for all the world like I’m about to smash it against the ground. I don’t, but it doesn’t stop him pleading.

  “That’s my livelihood. I’ll sue you. I’ll send you to prison.”

  Instead I just turn the camera on him and start clicking so the bulb flashes off in his eyes.

  “How do you like it now? You fucking worm.”

  When I’m done, I rip the memory card out and toss the camera back to him.

  “That’s my work, my intellectual property. That’s a criminal offense.”

  I place the card on my tongue and swallow it.

  “I’ll let you know when it comes out and you can come round and pick it up.”

  When we leave a crowd has gathered round us, whooping, cheering, filming the whole thing on their mobile phones. This fucking country is obsessed.

  I’ve had enough. I flag a cab down and blondie and I head back to my apartment.

  Moxlin, Arkansas, USA.

  Moxlin Tigers training ground.

  Penny

  I show Dad the tapes, the newspaper articles, the records, both personal and criminal, the good, the bad, the shocking and everything else in between. His answer, once I’m done, is a resounding “No.”

  “This is the animal you want to bring to Moxlin? This is your idea for a solution to our problems? He’s not even playing our sport.”

  It’s a fair point, but if anyone can make the crossover, as long as he stays out of trouble for long enough, it’s Jasper Stone.

  I consider myself a bit of a nerd when it comes to sports. It’s why I’m here standing next to my dad in the first place, while my brother, who was never able to throw or catch a ball of any size like his little sister could, holds down a very corporate job in a very big city about as far away from Moxlin as you can get.

  I’m not only in charge of the accounts department here at the Tigers either. I help scout players and I look after PR. Jasper Stone is the best rugby player to come out of England in the last generation, which isn’t just my own opinion, it’s universally acclaimed. Some consider him the best player in the world currently, with the potential to be one of the all time greats, and I may have just negotiated a deal to get him to play for us, ok not at rugby, but at a game that largely employs the same techniques, all completely for free.

  He may be our only hope, and if he isn’t, we lose nothing.

  “Players make transitions from one sport to another all the time. You can’t deny he’s not talented.”

  “He’s a mess. We don’t need that kind of player here, no matter how good he is. No matter how bad a situation we’ve found ourselves in.”

  “Well, unfortunately you and I both know that’s not entirely true.”

  “Forget it, Penny, it’s a nice idea, but it’s not going to work. We need to concentrate on rebuilding the team with the players that have stayed loyal to us, and you need to concentrate on working out how to pay them and keep the club afloat.”

  “He’ll go elsewhere.”

  “Let him.”

  “Dad, I’m serious about this. Watch the videos again. This guy is two meters tall, weighs two hundred and forty pounds and can run the hundred meters in eleven seconds. We just need to give him the ball and he’ll do the rest.”

  “And what does he do when he hasn’t got it? Go looking for girls he can fuck and guys he can fight.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “We’ll handle him.”

  “Who’ll handle him?”

  “I’ll handle him.”

  Dad knows I’m a strong woman but he still can’t help but give me the look.

  “If he comes, he comes for free, Dad. Free. What have we got to lose?”

  “Our reputation.”

  “Our reputation?” It almost makes me laugh. “Dad, we are the joke of the NFL. Our reputation can’t get any worse. If we don’t start winning, this is the end of the Moxlin Tigers forever. We don’t get a do-over, we don’t get another season, this is it, our absolute last chance to save ourselves from the annals of NFL obscurity.”

  “And you think this meathead from across the pond is our only saving grace?”

  “He’s the best chance we’ve got.”

  Dad shakes his head.

  “Then we’re fucked.”

  London, England.

  Corsham Rugby Club training ground, manager’s office.

  Jasper

  “What the fuck? No fucking way.”

  I thought they’d put this meeting on to tell me they’d spoken with the board and got the ban lifted entirely, not this. What the fuck do I want to go to America for? I don’t know anything about America, or Americans, or that bullshit fucking dance that they make out is a sport over there. I’m an English Rugby player not an American Football fucking jock. I don’t know the first thing about it.

  “Now hang on a minute, Jasper. If you want to continue getting paid, you may not have much of a choice.”

  Dougie, Alex Santos, some chick from HR who I’m pretty sure I haven’t banged but might have done by the way she’s been fluttering her eyelids at me, and some other young looking girl who I presume is Alex’s new secretary, all wait for a response.

  “Paid? Full pay? My pay?”

  “I thought that might prick your ears up, lad.”

  “I want to continue playing rugby, here in England, not American Football a thousand miles from home.”

  “You’re lucky there’s still a place for you here at the club at all after what happened. It’s only because you’ve been with us since you were six and Dougie knew your father that you are, so I’d be careful how you tread if I were you.”

  “You know that ban is bullshit. Jack Thompson puts an opposition fan in hospital and gets suspended for a week, I threaten a scum paparazzi and get banned for two years.”

  “On top of everything else.”

  “They’ve had it in for me since I started. And before that they had it in for my dad as well.”

  “That’s as may be, but it doesn’t change the situation we find ourselves in now does it?”

  “And your answer is to send me to America.”

  “It might give you a chance to stay out of trouble for a while.”

  “It won’t give me a chance to play rugby though will it?”

  “Full pay, with benefits, in a beautiful part of a brand new country.”

  “Where?”

  “Moxlin, Arkansas.”

  “You’re fucking me.”

  This is the last thing I need. First I can’t play rugby at all, second, if I want to get paid I have to leave the country.

  “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.”

  “You’re sending me into the middle of nowhere for a year so I stay out of trouble.”

  “The offer is there on the desk. I can’t pay you anything if you don’t go, Jasper. I can’t reduce the ban either.”

  “Dougie?”

  Dougie shrugs his shoulders. “How fucking hard can it be? You know how to catch a ball, you know how to run, what else is there? At least they give you armor to wear over there.”

  “You’re all deadly serious, aren’t you?”

  Even the secretary nods gravely.

  “They speak the same language, Jasper. At least it’s not France.”

  Arkansas. I can barely even say it, let alone know where it is. Too hot for this country to handle, Jasper Stone is ejected to pastures new. I can see the morning headlines already.

  “And if I say no?”

  “The job center is around the corner. Catherine can sort out your P45 and we’ll see yo
u in two years time not one.”

  Catherine, the girl I'm pretty sure I’ve fucked, purses her lips into a knowledgeable smile. We’ve got you by the balls Mr. Stone she smiles at me. By the fucking balls.

  I’ve been a professional rugby player for eight years, but I’ve played the game for my entire life. My dad was a professional rugby player for the same team and capped by England sixteen times. I’ve already doubled that amount. I’ve won the world cup with England, the six nations and the grand slam twice. This is my sport, I’m unstoppable at it, and I always have been. I know absolutely nothing about American Football, but I suppose Dougie is right, he usually is. How difficult can it really be and what choice have I got now anyway?

  “You can’t reduce the ban?”

  “You told a well respected journalist you were going to have him murdered.”

  “He deserved that.”

  “No one deserves that Jasper. It’s fucking embarrassing for you and this club, and he was only doing his job. You knew where it would lead.”

  “I wasn’t going to actually do it, was I?”

  “One year in America. You’re lucky you’ve even got this option. Go out there, keep your nose clean and when you come back nobody will even remember you.”

  “Yeah, like that’s going to happen. There’s going to be a hole in this sport no-one can fill.”

  “I’ll make sure we keep your clothes peg polished up then.”

  Alex always was a cheeky fucker. My dad respected him for that.

  “Fine, fucking hell, fine. Where the fuck do I sign?”

  One.

  Penny

  Something tells me they’re not going to like this, so it’s a good job that Dad’s the one that has to tell them. To be honest, I still can’t believe he’s agreed to take Jasper Stone on. If we weren’t in this fucked up situation in the first place, there is no way he would have agreed to it.

  The season starts in a week. They’ve been training all summer but it doesn’t look like it at all, in fact, it looks like they’ve never trained before in their lives. We have all the same players we had last year apart from Denton Collins, our first draft pick from the year before who played one single game for us before getting injured, and Kyle Miller, who have both been sold on to other teams. With six players injured, three more absent and at least two more on the edge of retirement, we look like a sorry bunch indeed.

  There are at least sixteen games in front of us without even thinking about going any further, and that’s a hell of a climb with what we’ve got to work with.

  “Alright, gather round.”

  We’ve got one of the smallest squads in the league but it’s still a huge operation. Players, technical staff, medical staff, officials, permanent and temporary behind the scenes staff, publicity, marketing, advertising and every other department I’ve not been forced to shut down to keep this ship going. Right now though, it’s just the players, my dad and I, and they don’t exactly look upbeat.

  “Who knows anything about rugby?”

  The players look at each other and back at my dad.

  “England?”

  “Are we changing sport now?”

  “Can’t be a bad decision, we fucking suck.”

  I take control. “We’re getting a new player.”

  “How can we afford a new player? We’ve barely got enough to pay for Mosley to get his haircut.”

  “Hey, fuck you man.”

  “You look after the football, I’ll look after the finances.”

  “We wanted to give you the heads up before our last training session.”

  “Who is he?”

  Now Dad and I look at each other. “Anyone heard of Jasper Stone?”

  Out of the crowd of players on the field in front of us, Jackson raises his hand.

  “I know who he is.”

  “You want to tell the rest of us.”

  “Jasper Stone’s like this beast man, two meters tall, as wide as a house, faster than any of us, even you Jones, but he doesn’t play our game Penny, with all due respect.”

  Dad takes over. “Yeah, well, he does now.”

  “Are you serious, Penny? Harrison? You’re drafting an English Rugby player into the NFL? Can you even do that?”

  “It’s done, Topher.”

  “This is the answer to our problems? Someone that doesn’t know how to play our game.”

  I can see they’re not all that convinced, but I expected more support from Topher at least.

  “Jasper Stone is the best chance this club has for survival.”

  “And the first draft pick? We need two new running backs and a new wide receiver.”

  “Hey!”

  A few players have to hold Mosley back from strutting up to Topher, and it takes Dad’s voice to calm them back down.

  “The decision has already been made. Make him feel at home. Topher, he’s under your wing.”

  “Fuck sake, why have I got to look after him?”

  “Because you’re the star quarterback that’s why.”

  “Was”, Mosley says under his breath.

  “Hey, what the fuck did you say?”

  Mosley holds up his hands, innocently.

  “Enough.”

  “That it?”

  Dad looks at me and I nod. “Class dismissed.”

  At the tunnel Topher catches up to me. I feel his hand on my arm pull me to a halt.

  “You should have told me.”

  “We only got confirmation this morning.”

  “Why aren’t we taking the pick, Pen? Surely if Moxlin want out of this rut, we’d get rid of some of our older players so we can afford to pay a new one. Mosley is dead weight, he’s done nothing for three seasons and Frome, Hidalgo, even Jackson is holding us back. ”

  I shrug.

  “It isn’t as simple as that. Everyone’s on contract, Topher. We just can’t sack them like that. Besides which, even if we did, we still wouldn’t be able to afford to bring someone new in.”

  “And English?”

  “Jasper Stone’s English club are paying his contract for the year. He’s not costing us a thing.”

  “Apart from the fact he doesn’t know anything about football, and you want me to teach him. That takes time, Penny. Resources.”

  “Come on babe, you are this club, there’s no better player here, Dad and I both know it. You’re perfect for the job.”

  “You should have asked me first.”

  “I knew you wouldn’t mind that’s why I knew I didn’t need to.”

  I wrap my arms around his neck just to make sure he can’t escape.

  “He better know how to listen properly.”

  “I knew you’d come round.”

  “How could I refuse?”

  “You never can.”

  I’m about to kiss him when I hear Dad’s voice.

  “Alright you two, that’s enough. In this tunnel you are my quarterback and my treasurer, outside you can become boyfriend and girlfriend again.”

  “Right.”

  I push myself away from him and the three of us walk towards the locker room.

  “When is he coming?”

  “With any luck, he’ll already be on his way.”

  Jasper

  I’ve never been to America before. Come to think of it, I’ve never been outside of Europe either. I’ve travelled a fair bit with the game, but never to anywhere even half as exotic as Arkansas.

  I had to look it up and I wish I hadn’t. I’ve learned two things, America is huge and Arkansas is in the middle of nowhere. I can’t believe I’m really going to do this but then what choice do I have? Stay here in England and get another job? Try and get the ban lifted? Clean boots for all the other players? Fuck that.

  They probably could have found something non-rugby related for me to do at the club, but that would just kill me. If I was surrounded by rugby day in and day out and couldn’t even kick the ball back to everyone else my heart would break.

  Dougie and
Alex have sorted out the contract, all I have to do is get on a plane and get into a taxi at the other end. My accommodation has been arranged in advance and the season starts at the weekend, although if they have any sense at all, there’s no way they’ll want me to play anyway.

  I checked out Moxlin Tigers, and they are shit. I mean, really shit. They are the worst team in the league and have been for two seasons running. Even if I completely fuck up and have no idea what I’m doing, there’s still a chance I’m going to make the side better. Why Dougie and Alex couldn’t have arranged something with one of the better teams I have no fucking idea. A year in New York or San Francisco or Chicago would have been paradise compared to what Moxlin looks like on a map, but they probably wouldn’t have agreed to it either. I may be a fucking great rugby player, but I’m not exactly the easiest sell here, and bigger teams have reputations to keep. As long as Moxlin isn’t the ass end of nowhere, and there’s somewhere to get drunk, get laid and have fun outside of the game, I’m going to be able to adjust. Probably.

  At least I’m getting paid. I mean, I’ve got to look on the bright side. Two years without rugby and without any income at all, or one year playing a game that’s basically the same with armor and American accents and a break every twelve seconds, paid. I’ve just got to get through the season and then I get to come back home and start all over again playing rugby.

  I’m appealing the decision on principle anyway, even though I’ve decided to go. A two season ban for a threat off the field is massively disproportionate and I want to make as much of a fuss about it as possible. Yeah I’ve been a bit of a naughty boy on and off the field ever since I started, but nothing I’ve done has ever been too outrageous, and certainly hasn’t deserved a ban like this one. They just have it in for me. I reckon it’s jealousy. They see how successful I am, how many good looking girls want to sleep with me, how much money I make, and they want to bring me down to their level. Fuck them.

  I’m going to go to America, prove to everyone that I’m not only the best rugby player in the world but the best American Football player as well and wait for the apologies to roll in.

  One year in another country, playing another sport in another league with complete and utter strangers. How difficult can that be? I’ve never fucked a girl from America before either, so there’s always that.