Kestrel

by A. M. Hargrove

  “See you both tonight,” I say, as I follow her like a puppy dog out the door.

  Kolson shoots me a look that lets me know I’m in for an assload of explanations later.

  When we get outside, I say, “Well, that was a nice exit strategy.”

  “I warned you so I won’t apologize. Now get in the car.”

  “Damn, you are bossy.”

  “Only when I need to be.”

  She’s very quiet when on the drive home. Her brow is furrowed and she’s white knuckling the steering wheel.

  “You going to tell me what’s bothering you? Or are you just angry with me for not leaving when I said I would?”

  “There is that. But your brother looked at me like I was from Mars. You didn’t tell him about us, did you?”

  “Actually, I did.”

  Her head whips to the right.

  “Watch the road, angel.”

  She turns back to look at the interstate. “Then why did he look at me like I was an alien?”

  “Because you are to him. Listen, I don’t usually date women.” Then I laugh. I just made myself sound gay, which I’m not. “Maybe I should rephrase that. I’m not the dating kind. I go out with women but I don’t date them. Does that make sense?”

  “You use them?”

  “Not exactly. They know up front what my deal is. I don’t play games and I don’t lie.”

  She doesn’t respond, but her brilliant mind is hard at work, trying to digest what I just laid out for her.

  “I told you, I’m the wolf, and you should run like hell. That’s why he looked at you like that. Trust me, he’s going to have a million questions for me, too.”

  We exit the interstate as we hit downtown Charleston.

  “Why don’t you date?”

  “Now that’s a question with a very complicated answer.”

  “I’m fairly astute. I think I can follow.” An edge of sarcasm accompanies her response.

  “The truth?”

  “No, Kestrel, I want you to lie. Of course I want the truth! I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t want the truth.”

  “My past is so fucked up I never wanted to get involved in a relationship because I didn’t think it would be fair for someone else. That’s part of it. The other part is I’m pretty much an ass most of the time and I have too many issues to lay on anyone. I’m a lot to take on and anyone that gets involved with me would be walking a tightrope most of the time. I live with the constant fear that I’ll turn into my father and I would never want to put that on anyone.”

  “But, Kestrel, you don’t know how you’ll be unless you give yourself that chance.”

  “Give me your hand.”

  “Huh?”

  “Your hand. Let me hold it, please.”

  She holds out her hand and I take it in mine. “You know that touch is something I used to crave, right? Like a drug. I did anything to get it, too. The technical term is attachment disorder, specifically fearful-avoidant/dismissive-avoidant. For the last year, I’ve worked hard on trying to focus on pulling myself away from the cravings. Remember how I told you I go through stages now where I crave it, and where I can’t stand it? I crave you, angel, like nothing I’ve ever craved before. It’s something I can’t describe. That time you touched me and I freaked, it disturbed me because I wanted your touch. I was unprepared for it and afterwards I felt horrible. That’s only one example. There are plenty more of my fuck-uperies. Like that nightmare I had.”

  She contracts her fingers around mine and asks, “What did he do to you?”

  “Too much to taint you with. He’s dead now and you’re safe from him.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  “He was evil incarnate. If he were still alive, I would have to protect you from him.”

  “Why would he want to hurt me?”

  “For the same reason he tried to kill my sister-in-law. He would want to destroy anything I valued. And that’s why I worry about becoming like him.”

  “But Kestrel, you’re nothing like that.”

  I close my eyes, remembering my life as a child with the demon of a father I had.

  “Don’t say things you know nothing about.”

  She pulls into my drive and we get out of the car. It’s already after six.

  “Carter, I appreciate you having us all over for dinner. I’ll change. Why don’t you go on since I know you have some things to prepare?”

  She laughs. “Trying to get rid of me already?”

  I wish I was strong enough to do just that, but I’m not.

  “Not a chance. I want to experience more of your excellent culinary skills.”

  She raises her eyes to the sky. “Ah, he likes me for my cooking.” The she lets out a bubble of laughter. “See you in a few.”

  It doesn’t take me but a couple of minutes to change and on the way out I grab a few bottles of wine, both white and red. I’m tired and wish I could stay here and sleep. It’s been a long day. As an afterthought, I grab a T-shirt and a toothbrush, just in case.

  When I arrive at Carter’s, the gate is open, so I drive in and park in the driveway. I walk up the back steps and enter the kitchen. She’s already busy chopping up some vegetables.

  “I brought some wine,” I say as I put it into the refrigerator.

  “I can see that. Thank you.”

  She tells me she’s making my favorite—wahoo. I’m happy because they’ll both love it.

  “Are you going to cook it like you did last time?”

  “I’m going to grill it. And I’ll grill the veggies, make a grilled romaine salad, and I’ve already put the potatoes in the oven.”

  “Baked?”

  “No. Greek potatoes. I came home for lunch and prepped some things.”

  “Aren’t you smart?”

  “I’ve been told as much. Would you like a glass of wine?”

  “No thanks. One glass and I’d be out. The cough medicine. Remember?”

  “Right. And you look exhausted. You have purple shadows under your eyes.”

  “I am. We’ll eat fast, show them the house, and make them leave.”

  “Ha ha. I have an idea. I’ll cook and while I’m doing that, you show them the house.”

  “You really are smart, you know.”

  “Thank you.” She winks at me.

  A few minutes pass and the doorbell rings. I answer it and Kolson and Jack are on the front porch.

  “Nice pad here, bro.”

  “Totally,” Jack says.

  “Wait till you see the rest of it.”

  We walk to the kitchen where Carter is and talk a bit. Kolson is agog over the state-of-the-art appliances and everything else the room holds. It would be difficult not to be.

  “Nice kitchen.”

  Carter nods. “Do you cook?” she asks.

  “I don’t, but my wife does. She’d go crazy in here.”

  “You need to bring her down. When this is Kestrel’s, someone will have to cook in here since he doesn’t.”

  We all laugh. Then Carter says, “Why don’t you show them the rest of the place while I finish up in here?”

  “Good idea.” So off we go. It really is a prize package. But when we get to Ells’ room, I see Kolson’s eyes pop.

  “She has a kid?”

  “Had. She, along with Carter’s parents, was killed in the hurricane that hit here four years ago.”

  “No shit?”

  “Seriously.”

  “That’s awful,” Jack says.

  “I know. Carter really hasn’t changed anything in here, not to mention she’s had it tough financially.”

  Kolson stares at me. “So, she lost her entire family?”

  “Yeah. She was away at a seminar when it happened.”

  “Just don’t let her see you as a huge dollar sign.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “Just what it sounds like.”

  “For fuck’s sake, would you look at the girl? Does she look
like the type that would do that?”

  “Honestly, no. She doesn’t even look like the type that would date.”

  “Damn, Kolson. She’s fallen on hard times. Maybe she can’t afford to buy clothes. I remember a time when Gabby couldn’t. Why are you being so tough on her?”

  “I’m only trying to protect you. She already bosses you around like nothing I’ve ever seen.”

  “I don’t need protection. I’ve done it for myself my whole life and I think I’ve done a damn good job of it, so back the fuck off.”

  Kolson spreads his hand out and says, “Okay. I hear you.”

  “Good. Not another disparaging word about her.”

  “None.”

  “And just a little FYI, I offered to buy her clothes, but she refused.”

  “That sounds like someone I know.”

  “Yeah, I thought it would.”

  “What happened to her husband?”

  “She never married the guy. It was an accidental pregnancy. And she never really dated him.”

  “What?”

  Jack is looking back and forth between us like he’s watching a tennis match.

  “That sounded awful, but it was one of those drunk things. I’m telling you way more than I should. She was a nerd—her words, not mine. The guy took advantage of her intoxicated state. He was a real piece of shit.”

  “What a shame. Cute kid,” Kolson says.

  Jack stands here, holding a picture of Ells, and says, “If one of my kids died, it would absolutely kill me. Forever. I don’t think I could survive it. Poor girl. I don’t know how she goes on every day.”

  We both look at him, because neither of us has kids.

  “Come on, let’s finish up.”

  When we get back to the kitchen, Carter is walking inside with a platter of food.

  “Just in time, I see,” I say, joking.

  “Just like a man,” she retorts. “Help me plate this up.”

  We all head to the dining room to eat. The guys go nuts over the fish. It is so tasty and Carter just smiles as she watches everyone gobble up their food.

  Carter gives us a brief Charleston history lesson and tells us some about the beautiful homes. Kolson is fascinated by them. He asks question after question.

  When he’s finished, Kolson announces, “This food was restaurant-worthy.”

  “Why, thank you,” Carter says.

  “And thank you for all the wonderful information about Charleston.”

  “So?” I ask.

  Kolson says, “So?”

  “When are you going to start house hunting?”

  “As soon as I can get my wife down here.”

  We all laugh. “I told you you’d be completely smitten.”

  “I am. You were right,” he says.

  “Tell Gabby as soon as I’m moved in, you’re all coming down. Better plan on spending Christmas here this year.”

  “It’s a plan.”

  Jack and Kolson bid us goodnight and I want to collapse.

  “Why don’t you go upstairs to bed while I clean up?” Carter suggests.

  “You don’t mind? I can barely stand.”

  “Go,” she says and she points.

  I don’t wait for her to tell me twice. I brush my teeth and strip. My eyelids slam shut before I know it.

  ***

  My phone alarm buzzes at six a.m. Thank God I had the presence of mind to set it because I don’t remember falling asleep. I kiss Carter’s cheek, tell her good-bye, and I’m out the door.

  My shower is quick and I’m on the road to the office. My phone rings on the way. It’s my sister-in-law. Why does this not surprise me?

  “Gabby.”

  “Kestrel. I hear you have a girlfriend.”

  “Kolson is like a gossiping old lady. Carter is not my girlfriend. We’re dating. That’s all.”

  “Not according to your brother. He claims you’re very protective of her. And she leads you around like a well-trained dog on a leash.”

  “Fuck Kolson.”

  Gabby laughs. “Is that all you have to say?”

  Sighing, I say, “No. You know I love my brother, but dammit, this is not his business.”

  “He’s worried about you.”

  “Can the two of you do anything else besides worry about me?”

  “I’d like to meet her.”

  “Gabby, we’re only dating. It’s nothing, really.”

  “Kolson says she’s different than anyone else he’s ever seen you with.”

  Now that makes me laugh because it’s the fucking truth. “You could say that.”

  “He told me about her family.”

  “Yeah. Pretty damn tragic.”

  “Don’t be a mercy date for her. You’ll end up hurting her and that will make things worse for her.”

  Leave it to Gabby to punch me in the gut with a sentence. But then again, she always manages to do that to me.

  “Thanks, sis. I’ll do my best. I’m pulling up to the office. Gotta go. Lots of love.”

  I end the call. My thoughts are all haywire now. She’s dead right on this. And hurting Carter is the last thing I want to do. I’ve warned her, but she hasn’t taken the bait. Do I need to force this issue? Why the hell did this happen to begin with?

  The office is dark and empty as I enter. This is good. It’ll give me time to sort things out. My head is much clearer now that I’m off the cough medicine. My body feels much stronger today, too. An hour passes before Shayla gets here and is followed closely by Kolson and Jack. We all get to work and Friday passes in a blur. I tell the guys I’ll be here on Saturday to catch up. Jack is flying home for the weekend to spend it with his family and Kolson is staying. He decides to ride home with me.

  “Wanna grab some dinner?” he asks.

  We head to town to eat. I know he’s going to interrogate me tonight and I’m prepared. As we sit at another stellar restaurant, which Charleston is famous for, we order a round of drinks and peruse the menu.

  “So, what are your intentions toward Carter?”

  I raise my hands in the air. “I give up. Between you and Gabby, I stand no chance.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know damn well what I mean.”

  “I don’t want this to be hostile, Kestrel.”

  “Neither do I.”

  He locks gazes with me. “I’m concerned.”

  “So I hear.”

  “This is abnormal behavior for you.”

  “Have you ever thought that maybe I’ve changed? Maybe I want to be different than I was before?”

  “Yeah, but with her?”

  “What? Just because she’s not up to your standards, doesn’t mean she’s not up to mine.” He’s making me feel like a child being scolded by their parent. “Look, I don’t have to justify who I date with you.”

  “I realize that. I think this is somehow messed up.”

  “I’m messed up and will always be messed up.”

  “Then why don’t you choose someone who doesn’t have any issues?”

  “I like Carter. She’s brilliant, witty, and interesting. It’s unfortunate that those things happened to her, but I’m not going to hold that against her, unlike you seem to be doing. Which, by the way, I find odd, considering the unfortunate upbringing we had. What if Gabby had decided to hold yours against you?”

  The corner of his mouth lifts. “Touché. I guess I deserved that.”

  “Yes, you did. Carter is different. And I like that about her. My worry is that I’ll fuck her up and not the opposite. I’m not worried about me in this equation.”

  Out of the blue he asks, “Have you slept with her yet?”

  “Now that is none of your business.”

  “I suppose it’s not. This house deal somehow blurs the lines though. I get the feeling things will get weird, especially with her living in that carriage house.”

  “Kolson, I’ll handle it.”

  “Fine. It’s your money, and your problem.”<
br />
  “Exactly. So what are you ordering?”

  “I’m going to ask for the chef’s recommendation.”

  The waiter stops by and takes our order after he delivers our drinks. Kolson is verbose about the business; he’s ecstatic at how well things are progressing and at the rapidity of it all.

  “Kestrel, I’ve gotta hand it to you. You were dead on with the choice of office buildings. Had we gone with what I wanted, we would’ve outgrown everything by the year’s end.”

  “I know. As it is, these may be too small in a couple of years.”

  “But there’s room for expansion. We can add on as we have plenty of property.”

  “You might be interested in this. Carter’s family owed a beach house on Sullivan’s Island that was literally devoured by the hurricane. The only thing there now is a vacant lot that she wants to sell. I was thinking that perhaps if you and Gabby are interested, maybe we could go in together and build a place there. I haven’t seen the lot, but she said it’s beachfront.”

  “Seriously? That’s something to consider. We could design a house with separate sides for complete privacy.”

  “Kolson, that’s a great idea. And we could make a place for Mom, too.”

  “Find out where it is and let’s check it out.”

  Our food arrives and it’s delicious. Kolson comments about the restaurants here again.

  “My understanding is that Mt. Pleasant has great ones, too. I haven’t had much chance to get over there yet, since I spend most of my time down here.”

  “When you have restaurants dotting every block and within walking distance of your home, why would you drive across the bridge?”

  “One day, I’ll be more adventurous.” We laugh as if driving over the bridge is in another state, when it’s only a few miles away.

  “Yeah, when we have our place at the beach.”

  “Truth!”

  Kolson’s rental apartment is on King Street, which is one block over from the restaurant. So after dinner we part ways. I tell him I’ll pick him up in the morning around eight for work.

  On the way home, I call Carter. She doesn’t answer so I leave her a message about seeing the property on Sullivan’s. By eleven, when I don’t hear from her, I go to bed. I know I need the rest and tomorrow will be another long day.

  Chapter Thirteen