So Little Time

by John P. Marquand

  “But you know I can’t, don’t you?” Madge said. “I can’t leave Gwen.”

  “No,” Jeffrey said, “of course you can’t.”

  “It’s never the same when you’re gone,” Madge said. “There’s never any point to anything, but Beckie will take care of me. I’ll go to all sorts of things that you don’t want to go to, and Jim’ll be coming down. Jeff, have you heard from Jim?”

  “No,” Jeffrey said, “not lately.”

  “I wish he’d write more often,” Madge said. “He’s so careless about writing.”

  “It doesn’t mean anything,” Jeffrey told her. “He’s got too much to do. Boys don’t like to write.”

  “I know you think it’s silly, my worrying,” Madge said. “But Jeff, I think he’s getting over it, about that girl.”

  Jeffrey had been looking into his empty pigskin suitcase. When Madge was with him, something always came up that mingled discordantly with humdrum detail. If they were making toast in the kitchen, for instance, when the couple was out, they would suddenly begin talking about the bills, or whether So-and-so was going to get divorced, and then before you thought of it, the toast was burning. He always hated to combat the inertia which came with packing. He was wondering what shoes he would take and where he would put them, so that they would not get mixed up with his shirts, and at the same time he was trying to make a list in his mind of everything he needed. And now Madge brought up Jim.

  “What makes you think he’s over it?” he asked.

  Madge looked at him and looked away. The study was bright and sunny, almost too bright from the glare on the river, and he could see the roofs of the buildings downtown, shining wet from the melting snow. He could see plumes of steam rising above them.

  “He’s hardly mentioned her,” Madge said. “When I brought her name up, he didn’t even seem interested. You can tell, you know. Jeff, we mustn’t stand here talking. You’ve got to pack. There isn’t much more than an hour and don’t throw things in at the last moment, the way you always do.”

  Then Jim was gone, and they were back at the business of packing again. He knew Madge so well that he knew exactly what she would say, and it must have been the same for her, but now that he was going away there was no sort of irritation in that sense of knowing her too well. Instead, there was value and charm in being so completely used to someone. He felt as if he were going away for a long time, as though he might never see her again, and he found himself anxious to remember how she looked, just standing there helping to pack his bags—not that her suggestions were ever necessary. Madge always said that he just threw clothes in and never folded them. He always replied that there was no need of fussing for days over something you could do in half an hour. He remembered the time they had hurried with their packing in Paris and the upper drawer of her wardrobe trunk had slipped out and she had sat laughing, with stockings and lace nightgowns all around her. She did not look much older now. Her chin had the same upward tilt—he had always thought her chin was beautiful—and she had the same reproving expression which she always wore when he was packing, as though he knew nothing whatsoever about it.

  “It won’t take long when I start,” he said. “I just have to decide what I’m going to take.”

  He opened the door of his clothes closet and stared at his suits all pressed, all in a neat long row. Madge had always been very good about putting clothes in closets, sending coats to cleaners’ and keeping out the moths. There they hung in an even row, his cutaway, his tails, his dinner coat, the tweed jacket he wore in the country, his gray flannels, his spring suits, his winter suits, all of them—too many of them—and down below on a little shelf, secure with their trees, were all his shoes—too many shoes. He would take his dinner coat and the gray flannels and one light summer suit, and then there would be the suit he was wearing. Then there would be the shirts …

  “Jeff,” Madge said, “why don’t we call Joseph? Tell him what you want, and Joseph will put them in.”

  “He wraps everything in tissue paper,” Jeffrey said.

  “Darling,” Madge said, “that’s the way you ought to pack.”

  Then, for some reason, he felt a lump rise in his throat. It was just as though he were never going to be there again, as though he would never see that study again, as though he would never again wear those clothes which he was leaving behind him.

  “I wish I didn’t have to go,” he said. “I wish I weren’t going.”

  “Darling,” Madge said, “we’ll do all sorts of things when you get back. We’ll be moving to the country and there’ll be the garden and the seed catalogues. I’m going to start getting the house open when you’re away, and I’m going to see that Mr. Gorman gets the seeds in right. Jeff, I wish we could get someone else beside Mr. Gorman.”

  That was another subject. You could never tell when it might come up. Madge had always felt the man in the country was a mistake.

  “Never mind Gorman now,” Jeffrey said, “I’ve got to pack.”

  “The apple blossoms will be coming out when you get home,” Madge said, “and the children will all be back.”

  “Yes,” Jeffrey said. “Well, I’ve got to pack.”

  He began doing exactly what Madge said he would, throwing everything quickly into the suitcase.

  “Jeff,” Madge said, “don’t be in such a hurry. Fold them.”

  “They’ll have to be pressed, anyway,” Jeffrey said. “I’m in a hurry now.”

  “Jeff,” Madge said, “did you put the money into the account?”

  “Yes,” Jeffrey answered, “and you’ve got the number of the Bronxville—I left it on the desk. You can get me any time.”

  “You’ll call me when you get there, won’t you?” Madge said. “And if you have time when you get to Chicago, you’ll stop and see the Harkers, won’t you?”

  “I can’t get to Lake Forest, Madge,” Jeffrey said. “There won’t be time.”

  “Well,” Madge said, “try to see them. They always hear about it when you go through Chicago, and you never see them.”

  “Yes,” Jeffrey said, “I’ll try, but there isn’t time to get to Lake Forest.”

  “And give my love to Hal Bliss,” Madge said, “and don’t go out to too many parties.”

  “There won’t be any parties,” Jeffrey said. “When I’m not at the studio, I’ll be asleep.”

  “Darling,” Madge said, “don’t be so annoyed. I want you to see people so you can tell me all about it.”

  “I’m not annoyed,” Jeffrey said. “I wish I weren’t going.”

  “Darling,” Madge said, “you do like everything, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” Jeffrey said, and he did like it, now that he was going.

  “Then try to think of things to tell me,” Madge said.

  “Yes,” Jeffrey said, “and if you want anything, call up Minot.”

  “Yes,” Madge said. “Now, think what you’ve forgotten. You must have forgotten something.”

  The bags were closed. It was half an hour before train time, but he knew that he might as well be going. He always hated to say good-by and then stand and talk.

  “Don’t bother to come down to the station,” Jeffrey said.

  “Why, dear,” Madge said, “I’d love to.”

  “No,” Jeffrey said, “that’s silly. I like to think of you here. Kiss Gwen for me, will you? Good-by.”

  He held her in his arms for a moment.

  “Good-by,” Madge said. “I love you, dear.”

  He was out in the hallway by the elevator. Joseph had carried out the bags and Madge stood in the doorway.

  “Darling,” Madge said, “it won’t be any fun while you’re gone.”

  Jeffrey reached in his inside pocket and took out the envelope which held his ticket. In the Grand Central Station, people were moving hurriedly in all directions, or standing with their luggage by the Information counter waiting. Up in the gallery, workmen were taking down the snow display, which invited you to g
o to New England for the skiing, and were putting up a backdrop showing a fishing scene, because the railroads would take you there, where the big ones were biting—just ask your Passenger Agent. The railroads had grown very friendly in recent years. The conductors now said, “Thank you, sir,” when they took your tickets; and instead of being enigmatic dyspeptics, they had turned into jovial old gentlemen who loved a good joke, just as much as you did. Why strain yourself at the wheel of a motor car, and risk the horrors of the highway when the railroads would take you there? The railroads were your home on wheels, and how you could sleep and rest and relax on the railroads! That was the new word of the day—“relax.” He had seen it growing in fashion, like a snowball rolling downhill. Don’t let taut nerves get the better of you, just sink down and relax. Relax in that seat with those magic inner springs. Relax with a cigarette or with a beer. It was the end of March, 1941—and they still told you to relax.

  The porter stood waiting with the luggage.

  “Car 287,” Jeffrey said, “Compartment C. Wait a minute, I want to buy a paper.”

  The newsstand was piled high with newspapers and periodical literature. There were stacks of Time and Newsweek and Life and the Reader’s Digest and Look, and there were new Pocket Books, for twenty-five cents, most of them showing pictures of corpses which had been stabbed in the library. There were toys for the kiddies, in case you had forgotten the kiddies, and cigarettes and Tootsie Rolls and Baby Ruths and Life Savers, in case you were taken with a spasm of hunger. Jeffrey bought two papers. It seemed this afternoon that Italian and German crews were busy disabling interned vessels. England was promising everything to the Greeks and Serbs and everyone else, and so was the United States, and all the advertisements told you to relax.

  “Car 287,” Jeffrey said again, “Compartment C.”

  The platform always looked the same, whether it was day or night. There was the usual musty smell which gave him, even as an experienced traveler, a faint sense of anticipation. They were telling you to buy the latest novel—nothing sold after the train left; and on his right was the Twentieth Century with the platform of the Observation Car emblazoned with its name. He could see the soft lights inside and all the chairs done in varied upholstery and the little tables and the attendant in his white coat, waiting to open the drinks as soon as the train was moving. He could see lounge cars, club cars, plain Pullmans and cars with rooms, all solid and magnificent and unbelievably material.

  “Yes, sir, Compartment C,” the porter said, and would he care for a little ice or White Rock or anything?—and Jeffrey asked him to put up the table. He wanted his typewriter—he wanted to write a letter—no White Rock, nothing else. When the door was closed, he took off his overcoat and hung it in the little clothes closet with his hat, and then he opened the typewriter case.

  Jeffrey still could not shake off the feeling that he was saying good-by to something. In that compartment he was cut away from all ties and Madge and the apartment and all the details of it already seemed like something he had imagined long ago. There was nothing so lonely as traveling by yourself for any length of time. You were so completely with your own thoughts and your own identity. If there were such a thing as survival after death, he could think of moving over great distances entirely alone, with only his own integrity as a companion. And now the train was moving, first in the dark of the tunnel, and then in the waning light. They would pass the apartments around 125th Street where you could stare at the faces and at the domestic arrangements of the dwellers, and then would come the Hudson and the Palisades—and then Harmon where they changed the engines. He could tell where he was, almost without looking. He was looking instead at the keys of his typewriter which he could still manipulate with a newspaper man’s awkward adequacy. He always thought of the City Room when he composed on a typewriter. There was the old absorption and the same compulsion to hurry, although now there was no hurry.

  DEAR JIM [he wrote]:—

  Well, here I am on the Century again, and I wish you were with me because I don’t like going out to the Coast alone, and I’m not good at picking up people in club cars, and when I do, they’re not worth picking up. As far as Chicago, they’re all selling something, and after that, they’re Congressmen, or they talk about beef on the hoof or mining properties or what is slowing down the train, or else they are going out to the Coast, like me. Frankly, I wish I weren’t going this time. I’ve been thinking about you quite a good deal and I wish I could have seen you before I left.

  Jeffrey stopped and stared at the typewriter. He never had been good at letters.

  I hope you’re having a good time. I hope you’re seeing a lot of things and doing a lot—that’s what I want for you more than anything else. I hope everything is interesting you; I don’t care much what it is, as long as it interests you.

  I’ve heard a lot of people say they wouldn’t miss living now for anything, and maybe they’re right, but I wish you were my age, not yours. If you were, you would realize that you had seen part of it all before, and that nothing is entirely new. I know it does no good to tell you that—you can’t pass on experience, but I wish you would get through your mind that all this war talk and everything else is not as immediate as you think. Your mother says it does no good to worry about the war, and maybe she is right, but when I think of you, I do worry. It gave me quite a shock when you telephoned that time in February. I don’t know why, exactly, except that I have seen it all before.

  Jeffrey stopped. It was rambling, it was dull. He was never good at writing letters. He could see the Hudson, very cool and blue.

  I wish you would look at it this way. This is a very large country and very strong. You feel it when you travel. You get a new sense of its power, but it moves slowly. It’s a free country, and it has to talk and think.

  Jeffrey stopped again. It sounded like one of those stage speeches which always slowed up a play, or like those bits on the radio, designed to make you conscious of something you knew without being told, and Jim knew about this, just as well as he did. If he were not careful, he would next try, as everybody did, to write a definition of democracy, but he could not help it. There was something that he wanted to say to Jim, if he could ever say it.

  Personally, I think we’re going to get into this war. If we had only got into it while France was there, we might have done a great deal, but I know that was impossible. Right now I hope we stay out until we see what we can do, but I think we’re going in. I know it’s hard for anyone like you. I want you to try to take it easy for a while. I don’t want you to be in there until you have to be, and I know what I’m talking about—I wish you’d take my word for it. I’ve never liked the army very much. I’m not like Minot Roberts, and I don’t believe you are, either. I know I don’t put it very clearly. I think about you, that’s all, but I want you to see what a normal life is, while you can. I want you to enjoy it while you can, and I’m afraid you haven’t got much time.

  Jeffrey stopped, and sat staring at the last phrase in type. It was what the whole letter was about, and he could not put it any better.

  I don’t want to tell you what to do about anything. It’s hard not to, but I know it does no good to tell you. You’ve got to do what you want yourself, and not to worry about the way I or anyone else may feel. You know about it, better than I do. This is your show, and it isn’t mine. But I do want you to have a good time, and I want to know if there’s anything I can do to help you, and I mean anything, and I hope you won’t be shy about it. Well, that’s about all. If you feel like it, call me up at the Bronxville. The operator will get it for you, and reverse the charges.

  With love …

  It was the sort of letter that any father would write, but it was the best that he could do. If he tried to write it over, it would only be more careful, more rhetorical and literate, but it would say no more. And then he had a final thought.

  P.S.—I’m awfully glad I saw Sally Sales. When you see her, tell her so.

&nbs
p; And that was that. He gave the envelope to the porter in the lounge car to mail, but he still could not get his mind off Jim. Jim’s life and what Jim wanted belonged entirely to Jim, and he wished that other people understood. There was very little, under the circumstances, that one could plan or do for him. Something had taken it entirely out of Jeffrey’s hands. Two years back there had been time for trial and error, but now Jim must work out what he wanted for himself.

  Nothing was entirely new, and there was a time for everything. He could think of himself as a boy in Bragg, sitting with his father and his aunt in the Congregational Church—uncomfortable in his blue serge suit, listening with half his mind to the minister reading from the Scriptures. There was a time for everything, and nothing was wholly new.

  One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth forever.

  It was from the book of Ecclesiastes, the saddest and yet the most beautiful of any in the Bible.

  To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.… A time to weep, and a time to laugh: a time to mourn, and a time to dance:… A time to love, and a time to hate: a time of war, and a time of peace.

  He was sitting in the white pew while the words moved over him, looking at the head of Louella Barnes. His youth seemed to mingle with Jim’s youth. He was living it again, because Jim was living it. He was living it without its poignancy or its anguish. He could see its beauty again, and he wished that Jim would see that beauty, but one never did when one was young.

  35

  Mr. Mintz Was Very Tired

  That futile wonder at how under the sun he had ever got there usually came to Jeffrey in Hollywood more strongly than anywhere else. It was especially compelling that first afternoon after he arrived, as he sat in the office of Mr. Mintz, the producer under whom Hal Bliss was working. It was related to the sensation that had come to him on the train and had stayed with him through Colorado and New Mexico and in the pitiless sunlight of Barstow—the sensation of being a disembodied spirit. He could see himself seated in a leather armchair in Mr. Mintz’s office and at the same time he could see himself back in New York, the father of a family, meeting people whom Madge called “nice people.” He wished that he did not have to keep moving into different worlds in order to earn his living.