Love in All the Wrong Places

by Audrey Harte

  “Girl, I’ve got a hot date for tonight and I have no idea what I’m going to wear. I need to raid your closet!” A young, attractive Latino with short brown hair, sparkling green eyes and an athletic build sashayed his way into the living room, pausing to kiss her on each cheek before he headed into the bedroom.

  “If you can fit into my clothes, I will shoot myself,” she threatened as she trailed after him.

  “As much as I’d love to play dress-up in your closet, chica, I only need a scarf and a bag — a big one because I need to pack some swimming trunks, a toothbrush and condoms for later.”

  “Oh. Well, in that case, help yourself,” Annie consented, gesturing towards the closet.

  “You’re the best.”

  “Eh, what are neighbors for if not to lend you fabulous accessories?”

  “I couldn’t agree more. What about you? Any plans for tonight?”

  “You’re looking at it.”

  Alex paused from flipping through a neatly folded stack of scarves to give her the once-over. She didn’t have her contacts in, so she was currently sporting an unflattering pair of wire-rimmed glasses, had her bone straight long brown hair pulled into a messy ponytail and was wearing a baggy pair of sweats, a sports bra with a faded tank top and fuzzy house slippers.

  “Oh honey, we’ve got to find you a man,” he mourned as he turned back to the scarves, then let out a gasp. “Ay Mami, this is the one!” He waved a black silk scarf shot with threads of silver and she nodded her approval.

  “Good choice. That’s one of my favorites. What color were you thinking for the bag?”

  “Black, if you have it.”

  “Oh yes, I definitely have.” She knelt down on the floor and bent to pull a large box out from under the bed. “So who’s the lucky guy?”

  “He’s in my Yoga class. Amazingly flexible!”

  “Wow.”

  “You said it, honey. I can only imagine the positions we might — oh my God, your Gucci?” he gasped in awe as Annie placed the black box on the bed.

  “Only took me a year of doing babysitting jobs on the side to finally afford it.”

  “And you trust me with it?”

  “I don’t think I know anyone I can trust more,” she said as she pushed back the tissues and pulled her black leather treasure out of the box. “But you’d better bring her back in one piece or you’re buying me a new one.” She turned and handed the bag to him before placing the lid back on the box and returning it to its place under her bed.

  “I absolutely promise she will come to no harm. Can I bring her back when I come over for dinner tomorrow?”

  “Oh right, for Dexter. Yeah, you can head over around five if you want, so you can dish about your hot Pilates date while I cook.”

  “Yoga.”

  “Right, Yoga.”

  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What’s on the menu this week?”

  “Capellini Pomodoro with garlic Texas toast.”

  “Yum! I’m making caramel flan for dessert, so I’ll bring that over with some wine.”

  “Ditto on the yum – I knew there was a reason I keep you around. Have fun tonight.” Annie grinned at her friend as he blew her a kiss and sashayed back out of her apartment with her scarf draped artfully around his neck and her prized Gucci carefully cradled in his arms. Waving, she closed and relocked the door and headed back to the couch.

  Pulling the laptop forward, she refreshed the browser and scanned the new ads that had been posted. Nothing looked remotely appealing. Taking a deep breath, she scrolled down to the Women Seeking Men section, clicked on the “Post” link and waited for the page to load.

  If I can’t find any good ads to respond to, maybe I’ll have better luck writing my own, she thought to herself as she stared at the screen waiting for inspiration to hit. 25-Year-Old Intelligent Brunette Looking for Mr. Right. Too ordinary. She sighed and hit the backspace button to clear the field as she tried to think of something more original and creative. Mature 25-Year-Old with Quirky Sense of Humor Seeks Guy with Same. Hmm, still not it. Seeking Stimulating Conversation with a Guy Who Can Make me Laugh. Seriously? How hard was it to come up with a great header to grab the right guy’s attention?

  After mulling it over for a few minutes, she finally started to type.

  Girl Next Door Seeking Cute, Witty Guy to Explore LA

  I’m in my mid-twenties, tall (about 5’8”), athletic with curves, come from a Eurasian background, have long brown hair and hazel eyes, and I prefer wearing contacts since glasses make me look like a nerd. I love to laugh and enjoy being outdoors where I can experience life on an active level, so hopefully you do as well. However, I also appreciate cuddling on the couch with a good movie after enjoying a nice home-cooked meal (maybe we can take turns).

  I’m looking for an intelligent, witty, sensitive, caring, responsible guy in his mid-twenties to early thirties who is preferably a few inches taller than me. I tend to dress on the more casual side, but I also know how to look good for more formal occasions. If you’re interested, message me and tell me a bit about yourself. Your pic gets mine.

  Her hand hovered over the mouse as she closed her eyes and willed herself to click the “Continue” button. Come on, just do it already. Just because you post it doesn’t mean you have to respond to anyone. She opened her eyes and clicked the button, then waited for a few moments as the computer worked to save her draft. A few minutes later, she had previewed and confirmed the posting and was now just waiting for it to go live on the site.

  “That wasn’t too hard,” she murmured to herself as she set the laptop down again and leaned back into the couch. Picking up the remote, she turned on the TV and groaned as Say Yes to the Dress flickered onto the screen. The last thing she wanted was to watch of bunch of hormonal women trying to find the perfect wedding dress.

  Changing the channel to look for something less depressing, she finally settled on a show about a guy who was dropped into the middle of a snow covered wilderness wearing nothing but shorts, a t-shirt, a light jacket, socks and hiking books. He was given a few days to survive in the wild and make his way back to civilization using only a small supply of materials such as six feet of rope, a pocketknife, a piece of flint, a small dented frying pan and a 12’ x 12’ square of heavy duty plastic canvas.

  As a commercial came on, she glanced back at her laptop and noticed that she had ten new pending messages in her inbox. Wow, that was fast. She debated for a moment, wondering if she should just delete all of the new messages without even opening them. If the responses were anything like some of the ads she’d seen posted, she was in for a long evening of sorting through the crap for anything decent.

  “Ah, to hell with it already,” she muttered and opened the first email. The body of the email was blank, but a picture of an older guy with a receding hairline and a round, sagging stomach was attached. Next! She opened another email and sighed as this response only contained a link to another personals ad. “Come on already. Seriously?” she complained at her laptop. “Give me something good. No whammies!”

  The next few emails were obviously some kind of formatted response that was copied and pasted. There were a few more unappealing snapshots, a few one liners and a guy who claimed he had a fetish for jerking off while having a group of women watch him. He asked if she and some of her friends would like to come over to watch him and even offered to pay for their time.

  Annie shuddered as she deleted all of the disappointing emails one by one. She was about to close the browser when a new email appeared. Reluctantly she opened it, fully prepared to delete this one as well.

  From: Danny Jensen

  Subject: Knock knock

  Date: November 24, 2012 15:25

  To: vbr2f-2583349879@pers.craigslist.org

  Hi, you sound so fun and beautiful. :) I’m Danny, 33, from the east coast originally, but now I live in Hollywood. By day, I am an advisor at a university on the west side and by night, I do stand-up comedy. I hav
e been on Chappelle’s show and love movies, music and fine dining. Your ad caught my eye, girl next door. I am knocking. Can I have some sugar?

  A picture was attached to the email. Danny had short brown hair and brown eyes and was kind of cute in a scruffy sort of way. “At least he’s not naked,” Annie muttered to herself as she studied his picture.

  Debating whether or not she should respond, she shuffled into the kitchen to take a bottle of Pinot Grigio out of the fridge and scrounged through her utensils drawer for the bottle opener. She popped the cork and retrieved a wine glass from the rack hanging below her kitchen cabinets.

  Pouring herself a generous glass, she tipped it to her lips to take the first sip and savored the tart coolness as it slid down her throat. Feeling refreshed, she returned to her laptop and decided to email Danny back.

  From: Annie Chang

  Subject: Who’s there?

  Date: November 24, 2012 15:45

  To: Danny Jensen

  Hi Danny,

  My name is Annie and I'm 25, born and raised in SoCal. I work for a law firm doing administrative stuff. Not sure what I think of this online dating thing, yet, but I figured I'd give it a shot. So you're a comedian, huh? What's your best joke you use to break the ice? :) I love movies, music and fine dining myself. Last show I went to was the American Idol concert tour (don't laugh). I went with a friend from work and we had a blast. I've been to a few comedy shows at the Ice House before, but that's about it. Went to see Gabriel Iglesias before he got big...err, more famous, lol. What's the last good movie you saw? I thought Skyfall was awesome. Anyhow, here's a pic of me.

  After sending the email, she stared at the computer and waited for a minute, wondering how quickly he might respond. Mentally, she scolded herself. Chances were that this guy was not just waiting around for her to email him back. Pushing it from her mind, she clicked on the Women Seeking Men link and started to scan through the headers for inspiration. Maybe she just needed to write a better ad.

  Loving Sugar Daddy – Age 24

  I Need to Find a Man, Been Way Too Long – Age 21

  Cute Girl Looking for a Few Good Men Tonight – Age 25

  I’m a Sexy Ass Gangsta – Age 21

  BBW Herpes Looking for LTR – Age 23

  Maybe I’d Like to Try Submission – Age 30

  Wow…just wow. She was beginning to think she might be one of the only normal girls posting on Craigslist. Rubbing her eyes, she set the laptop back on the coffee table and reached for the remote.

  Surfing through the channels again, she found Love Actually playing on HBO. “Oh I love this movie!” she exclaimed, immediately stretching out on her couch to get comfortable, snuggling under the warm throw her sister had crocheted as a gift for her last Christmas. It was at one of her favorite parts where Colin Firth tried to save the pages of his book from the lake with his pretty Portuguese housekeeper. Why can’t I find a guy like that? Personals ad temporarily forgotten, she quickly lost herself in the story and didn’t move from her position on the couch for the next hour.

  When the movie finally ended, she sighed, feeling a little sad and lonely as she always did after watching a romantic comedy alone. Glancing at her laptop, she saw that Danny had finally responded. Quickly she opened his email and began to read.

  From: Danny Jensen

  Subject: Jokes? I’ve got jokes!

  Date: November 24, 2012 17:15

  To: Annie Chang

  Hey Annie :) Danny and Annie, is that too cute?

  Thanks for getting back to me, and thanks for the picture. You are so beautiful. Where in LA are you living now? I worked as a temp at a law firm for a few minutes while I was living in NYC. Then I got a crazy job at FAO Schwarz, the toy store, where I dressed up in a colorful suit and walked around the store as a game show host and talked to people. Ha, those were the days. I’ve heard of the Ice House, but I’ve never been there. I basically do shows with my friends that are original sketches and songs, and then I also do improvised comedy acting in Westwood every couple of weeks.

  As for breaking the ice, I think it’s better to melt it than break it. So I guess I would have to come up with some sort of high-temperature joke like, “Is it getting hot in here, or is that just you?” Ha, that’s more like a cheesy pick-up line. Ugh. Those never work. Or do they? And really I'm not like a "joke-teller". My kind of comedy is really more about listening and reacting — I think I am just a naturally goofy person.

  Yeah, I’ve seen Skyfall twice already in the theater. And I’m sorry, but yes, I’m laughing at the fact that you went to see the American Idol concert tour, but I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. :) How was your Thanksgiving?

  Grinning, Annie immediately replied. This guy seemed kind of sweet and funny, and he liked James Bond, all positives in her book.

  From: Annie Chang

  Subject: Haha

  Date: November 24, 2012 17:25

  To: Danny Jensen

  Ha, I didn't even realize that...Danny and Annie. You're kind of a mushball, aren't you? :) I live in the valley at the moment, although I've been debating whether I want to move closer to work. The law firm is not the best job in the world — kind of boring, really, but it pays the bills. Wow, FAO Schwarz, huh? That must have been a fun job. I used to love that store when I was a kid. One of my favorite movies is Big with Tom Hanks — love that scene with him and the old dude on that gigantic piano. Sounds like you and your friends have some good times. I wrote a musical when I was in junior high, but it was pretty lame, lol. I didn't have sheet music or anything. I just wrote the lines and lyrics down and the music was inside my head.

  Cheesy pick-up line...yeah, little bit. Thanksgiving was good...no fights broke out at the family dinner and my mom didn't burn the turkey. How was yours?

  As she sent the email, she smiled slightly to herself. Maybe online dating wouldn’t turn out to be so bad after all.

  CHAPTER TWO

  With a yawn, Annie rolled out of bed Monday morning, pausing to shut off the alarm before she staggered into the kitchen. As was her usual custom, she had already filled and programmed the coffeemaker the previous night. All she had to do was press a button and it hissed to life. “Oh sweet Jesus, what would I do without caffeine?” she groaned to herself as she opened the dishwasher to retrieve a clean mug.

  Leaving the pot to brew, she headed for the bathroom and turned on the shower. She’d always had this thing about taking one first thing every morning; otherwise, she felt disgusting and couldn’t function properly. Stripping her clothes off, she put her hand under the water to test the temperature. Satisfied that it was hot enough for her taste, she climbed into the bathtub and pulled the shower curtain shut.

  Closing her eyes, she tilted her head back and hummed in pleasure as the warm water cascaded down in a steady stream. She stood there for several minutes, just staring at the off-white tiles at the back of the shower as she mentally fought a losing battle to relax. As usual, she was already beginning to stress about everything she needed to get done that day before she had even left for work.

  Frustrated, she plucked her hot pink loufa off the faucet head and squirted a small amount of orange jasmine scented body wash onto the pouf. She tried to clear her mind as she worked up a lather and soaped herself all over, then rinsed the suds from her skin.

  After washing and rinsing her hair with her favorite lemongrass shampoo and conditioner, Annie turned off the shower and pulled the shower curtain open. Stepping out onto the bath mat, she reached for her towel and began to pat herself dry.

  “Aww, much better,” she sighed in contentment as she pulled on her soft bathrobe and tied the belt snugly around her waist. Heading to the bedroom to start getting ready for work, she thought about the Craigslist ad she had posted Saturday night.

  The weekends always went by too fast; Sunday had come and gone in a blur. As busy as she had been, she hadn’t even thought to check her email. She had gotten up early to hit the gym before she picked up her moth
er for their monthly brunch date. On these occasions, her mother would usually start their conversations with a lecture, telling Annie she needed to meet a guy before her eggs dried up. She drilled her about what she’d been eating lately and asked if she was taking any vitamins.

  After dropping her mother back off at home, she had gone to the market to pick up everything needed to make dinner that night and lunches for the week. Alex had come over around five for their weekly dinner, movie and dessert night and had gone on and on about his fabulously sexy date.

  Wondering if Danny had responded, she made a pit stop in the kitchen to pour herself a steaming cup of coffee before heading over to sit down on the couch to check her laptop for any new emails. Seeing that her inbox was disappointingly empty, she began to torment herself by trying to guess why he hadn’t emailed her back, yet. Maybe he didn’t like being called a mushball or he could have just been bored by her response. As she struggled with her paranoia, Annie finally acknowledged that there was always the distinct possibility that he just hadn’t had a chance to email her back, yet. Frustrated, she closed the laptop and sighed. One could sit there and speculate all day, but she needed to start getting dressed for work or she was going to be late.

  When she got to the office, she stopped by the kitchen to put her lunch in the refrigerator and decided to make some hot tea before starting her day. As she was steeping the tea bag in her mug, Alison, one of the younger legal secretaries, stopped to chat with her about the upcoming company holiday party.

  It was Annie’s first year to attend, but Alison had been with the company a little longer and had attended the previous year, so she knew that they liked to do it up big. This time, it was being held in a ballroom at the Millennium Biltmore Hotel in downtown L.A. Annie didn’t have anything appropriate to wear to the formal event and Alison wanted a new dress, so they made plans to go shopping together.

  As she sat down at her desk, she turned her computer on and waited for it to boot up so she could start working on her month end reports. Burying herself in her task, it was almost noon before she glanced at the clock again. Not feeling very hungry, she decided to try her hand at writing a new ad during her lunch break. Now that she’d written her first ad and seen the kind of responses it generated, she thought it couldn’t hurt to give it another shot and post something different.