Miz Scarlet and the Bewildered Bridegroom

by Barton, Sara M.

  “But you don’t understand. They really have their hearts set on this wedding business. The Googins girls have been talking about it for weeks.”

  “For weeks and you didn’t warn me?” I pretended to glower at her. “That’s the thanks I get for all the many wonderful things I’ve done for you, you rotten little twit?”

  “I know,” she grinned sheepishly. “I should have told you, but they swore me to secrecy. That’s because Edna....”

  “Edna Rivera is mixed up in all this?” Those words were the equivalent of mental alarm bells ringing off the wall. My best friend’s mother, better known as the Queen of Clean, had stayed at the inn over the Christmas holiday and the only person more relieved than me when she left was her daughter, Laurencia, better known as Larry.

  “Well, she said Wallace’s house had so much potential as a wedding venue, but it needs better management. Lacey and your mother agreed that you should take over.”

  That was just what I didn’t need -- three determined ladies giving me business advice. Sure, Edna had been head of the housekeeping staff for a small nursing facility in Atlanta for years, but that’s hardly the same thing as running an inn, is it? And as for Laurel and Lacey, the closest they ever got to being innkeepers was to mix the cocktails in the living room for guests and handle the odd task now and then. I was the one who did all the heavy lifting and schlepping.

  “Does Larry know about this?” I demanded, turning my disapproving gaze on the co-conspirator next to me. Jenny gave a quick, embarrassed shrug of those tiny shoulders of hers. I was pretty sure that Edna had kept it a secret from her daughter. That’s because Larry would have put the kibosh on it right away.

  “I only found out about it by accident,” she admitted, “when I overheard them talking.”

  “I’m missing something,” I said. Obviously, the ladies had been at this for some time. The plan had evolved beyond the speculative stage, especially if they were talking about expanding the Four Acorns Inn staff and bringing Edna onboard. “Spill the beans.”

  “Well, don’t tell them I told you, but Edna still wants to get back together with Big Larry.”

  “That’s hardly a secret,” I replied, still trying to make sense of it all. “What does this have to do with the Four Acorns Inn?”

  “Edna got laid off last month, so she decided to move to Fort Meyers, Florida, where the Red Sox do their spring training, and rent a small place while she looks for work. But it gets really hot there in the summer....”

  “Whoa!” I held up my hands in protest. “Wait, wait, wait!”

  “What?”

  “Edna is selling her place in Atlanta?” I suddenly understood my friend’s concern when her mother recently announced she would be coming up for a month-long summer visit. Larry wasn’t used to the Queen of Clean staying at her condo, especially with teenage daughter, Michaela, in residence. It was a recipe for disaster. “What does Edna plan to do when the Red Sox are in Boston?”

  “She wants to find a new job up here.”

  “Oh, no. Don’t tell me!”

  “Well, that’s why the Googins girls thought we could open up Wallace’s house for the wedding season. You know, Miz Scarlet -- May, June, July, August, and September.”

  “Edna wants a job at the Four Acorns Inn?” Suddenly, stunningly, the pieces of the puzzle all fell into place. This wasn’t so much about creating an annex to the Four Acorns Inn as it was about getting Edna remarried to the assistant coach for the Boston Red Sox, and the three escapees from a regency romance novel were willing to create all this subterfuge to get the job done.

  “You have got to be freaking kidding me,” I growled through clenched teeth.

  “Don’t tell your mother I told you all this,” the teenager begged me. “I don’t want her to be mad at me.”

  “Kiddo, that’s the least of my worries at the moment. Do you have any idea what Larry will do when she finds out Edna is selling her place in Atlanta and following Big Larry around on the baseball circuit?”

  “She’ll be upset.”

  “There’s an understatement.”

  “Are you going to tell her?” Jenny studied me, nervously fiddling with her fingers. I understood her anxiety. Larry didn’t like surprises, especially the unpleasant ones involving her mother. Decades after Edna divorced Big Larry, the couple had the chance to reconnect over the recent Christmas holiday. While improving their relationship, the unexpected reunion didn’t solve the major problem between the couple. Edna is an opinionated, demanding steamroller of a woman, crushing everything in her path -- even the man she loves. I sighed, resigned to my fate.

  “What choice do I have? Larry’s my friend; I owe her that much.”

  “Boy, what a mess this is,” the teen remarked.

  “It is indeed. And so ironic, considering Edna is the Queen of Clean.” I rolled my eyes, gazing up at the heavens. “I wish she’d spend less time on her cockamamie intrigues and more time on tidying up her love life.”

  “What happens now?” Jenny wanted to know.

  “I honestly don’t know, but if the Googins girls already have a plan, maybe we need to find out whether it’s viable, Jen. If we let them get any farther with this and Larry finds out we didn’t tell her, she’s going to lay someone out in lavender and I’d prefer it not be me. Maybe it’s time to talk to Bur. Want to join me?”

  “It depends. Is your brother going to yell at me?”

  “Bur? The guy who’s spent more time in the naughty corner as a child than anyone else? I doubt it. But I’ll tell you what. We’ll approach it from a purely business standpoint. We won’t mention Larry, Big Larry, or Edna just yet. All Bur has to know is that Laurel informed us that Lacey wants to get rid of her tenant. I’ll act like the wedding business is an idea I’m considering if and when Wallace’s house is available.”

  “You’re going to trump the Googins girls and Edna?” Jenny’s shocked expression was priceless.

  “I guess I am,” I laughed. “That ought to put a crimp in their bonnets!”

  “Wow, Miz Scarlet. I never knew you were so sneaky!”

  “I beg your pardon!”

  “Aren’t you stealing their thunder right out from under them? They’re the ones who want to start a wedding business.”

  “Hold on there!” I held up my hands in protest, interrupting her. “Let’s review the facts. You don’t want the ladies to know you told me about their ‘dum-dum-da-dum’ idea, anymore than you want Larry to find out you kept her mother’s humdinger of a secret, correct?”

  “I sure don’t,” the teenager agreed readily.

  “Then work with me. If I withhold some non-essential information that could get you into extremely hot water, I am hardly concealing the crime of the century. What I’m doing is preventing your proverbial goose from being cooked in that boiling water bath.”

  “I guess that’s true.”

  “You guess? Wow, there’s a big vote of confidence.”

  “Um,” she gulped, scrambling to cover her verbal fumble. “What are you going to do about it?”

  “Me? No, no, kiddo. The right question is: ‘What are we going to do about it?’ We have to pull the carpet out from under the ladies and get control over their whack-a-doodle wedding plan. This is the best I can do on short notice,” I told her. “Unless you’d prefer to confess your role in this debacle to Larry....”

  “No way!”

  Laughing, I grabbed her by the shoulders, twirled her around, and gave her a gentle nudge in the direction of the carriage house. “In that case, we’d better hurry, because if she finds out what her mother is up to, the Connecticut State Police Major Crimes squad will be arresting one of their own on homicide charges.”

  In less than a minute, the two of us climbed the stairs to the carriage house residence and stood in front of Bur’s door. I took a deep breath and rapped on it with far more confidence than I felt. Knock, knock, knock.

  A moment later, the knob turned and the door ope
ned. My brother stood there in his gym shorts and his favorite Yankees tee shirt. As he stepped aside to let us in, I noticed there were papers strewn all over the coffee table, a few books stacked up on the sofa, and his laptop was open -- evidence that suggested Bur was working on a report, something he usually dreaded. That was a good sign. He might welcome the distraction we offered. This was confirmed by his jovial greeting. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? You’ve come to rescue me?”

  Twenty minutes later, I had actually managed to sell my brother on a prospective plan to rent out Wallace’s house as an event venue and money-maker with one caveat. He wanted in on the business end of things.

  “I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly, Bur? You actually want to participate in this wedding enterprise?”

  “What we’re really talking about is renting out the house a few times a month for a chunk of change that will help pay for the upkeep. I think it’s got some potential. The property is self-contained and we can control the number of guests. We’ll probably need a permit to serve alcohol.”

  “And?” Knowing him, I figured there had to be a catch.

  “Well, if you must know, I’ve been thinking lately that the Four Acorns should expand. If we reconfigured the carriage house, we could....”

  “You want to give up the carriage house?”

  “Someone has to live in Wallace’s house. Security-wise it makes sense. I can play the role of groundskeeper there too. I’m rather crowded in here,” he announced, waving his arms at the mess awaiting him. “I could use the extra space for a proper office.”

  “Score one for Colonel Grey Poupon,” Jenny grinned, using my brother’s childhood nickname. “It looks like the Wilsons are about to go into the wedding business.”

  I looked from my overly confident brother to my smug assistant and gave an amused snort. If my brother was willing to consider the idea, it meant he already envisioned himself living in that mansion of Lacey’s.

  “What’s so funny?” Bur wanted to know, suddenly suspicious.

  “Nothing. I’m just relieved. I thought I’d have to work harder to convince you this was a good idea,” I replied, smiling. Now that I was no longer in the line of fire, I was beginning to enjoy myself.

  “It’s only a good idea if it makes money, Miz Scarlet.”

  “Touché.”

  With my brother in charge of the financial aspects, things were definitely looking up. As stubborn a foe as the day was long, Bur was a stickler for the bottom line. The Queen of Clean, assisted by sidekicks Laurel and Lacey, no longer had any Four Acorns Inn rope to use on the unsuspecting spitball king. No lasso of love would grab Big Larry, drag him down the aisle, and tie him to the altar while he kicked and screamed. No, if we launched a wedding business, it would be a profitable venture, one that was responsibly managed by professionals. And if Edna and Big Larry decided to remarry, it would be -- unlike the last time -- by choice, not by deceit. How could Larry possibly object to that?

  Bur continued talking as the plans took shape in his head. “I’ll talk to Boynton and get his thoughts on the subject. There’s no reason we should get the ladies all worked up if we’re not going to get him on board.”

  “Fine, but just out of curiosity, you do realize I can’t run the wedding business all by myself, don’t you? We’ll need to hire some help.”

  “Count me in,” said my teenage assistant.

  “You’re already working at the inn and you’ve got to keep up with your college studies,” I pointed out. “That’s a full load, Jen.

  “Yes, but I’m taking the summer off. No classes, Miz Scarlet.”

  “Aren’t you visiting your grandparents in California?”

  “I’m going for three weeks in August. That leaves the rest of the summer.”

  “You might as well say yes,” my brother advised me. “The fact is she’d be an asset.”

  “Thanks, Bur.” Jenny gave him a wide grin.

  “Anything for you, kid,” he told her. “Now, if you two will excuse me, I’ll give Boynton a call.”

  “Let us know what he says,” I called over my shoulder as I opened the door and shooed Jenny through it.

  She and I walked back to the inn, arm in arm, plotting our next move. I could tell she was excited.

  “Just remember, it’s not a done deal yet,” I warned her. “Like Bur said, if we’re going to do it, we actually have to turn a profit.”

  “I know, but I was just thinking, Miz Scarlet,” she confided, that charming gamin face brimming with excitement, “about how much fun it will be to host weddings.”

  “Will it?” I wasn’t so sure. “You know how irrational and high-strung some brides can be.”

  “But why would those kinds of brides come to the Four Acorns Inn?” Her question caught me off-guard. I turned to face her.

  “What do you mean?”

  “The only people who would come here to get married are those who really care about each other.”

  “You believe that?”

  “Absolutely. The Four Acorns Inn is all about the love.”

  “My heavens! You’re a romantic!”

  “Of course I am. Aren’t you?”

  “Ah....”

  “This is why your mother worries about you,” Jen chided me. “You’re rather cynical when it comes to love, Miz Scarlet.”

  “Am I?” I asked the earnest teenager, humoring her. “Maybe I’ve been an old maid a little too long.”

  “Way too long,” she agreed impishly. “Way, way, w-a-y too long.

  Chapter Three --

  “Explain yourself!” I instructed my assistant as I opened the door to the sun porch and stepped inside.

  “Well, it’s not your fault you’re stuck in your ways. You haven’t been able to spend all that much time with Captain Peacock.”

  “True,” I nodded. Kenny Tolliver, the high school heartthrob who moved to New Jersey in his senior year, when his dad was transferred, left me to grieve what might have been between us. He was now widowed and had recently moved back to Cheswick. It was no secret the family expected us to get married. But at the moment, we were having fun getting reacquainted.

  Back when we were teenagers in Cheswick, we spent our summers playing cards, dominoes, and even board games like Clue. Our love for the classic “whodunit” inspired silly nicknames that stuck.

  It all started when Kenny caught Bur cheating at Monopoly, slipping an extra house on Park Place by slight of hand during a heated competition.

  “Hold it right there, Wilson! I saw what you did,” he exclaimed, “There were only two houses on Park Place and three on Broadway. You switched them when the dice were rolled!”

  “I did no such thing!” my brother had insisted huffily. That was a sure sign of his guilt. We all knew the louder the denial, the bigger the whopper.

  “Balderdash!” Kenny sputtered, appalled that anyone would cheat. “You most certainly did!”

  “Balderdash?” Bur howled with laughter. “Balderdash? What are you, Tolliver, ninety years old?”

  That’s when Bur claimed Kenny was like the stiff, proper floorwalker on the British sitcom, Are You Being Served?, always keeping track of what everyone was doing. Kenny denied it to no avail.

  “Says you, Captain Peacock!” the cheater snickered.

  “Bluster on, Colonel Grey Poupon! You’re still busted, you pompous twit!”

  “He’s got you there, Bur, you busted blusterer,” I chortled. Turning to the others, I posed an important question. “What should the penalty be for cheating? Should he have to surrender his little green bungalow to the bank?”

  There were several murmurs of agreement on that front. Kenny reached over and removed the plastic house from the board, which just irritated the miscreant further.

  “You’re such a prissy-puss, Scarlet!” replied my brother. “We should have a ban on females playing the game. You think you’re so smart. What do you know?”

  “I’m smart enough to know cheat
ing when I see it, Colonel Poupon!”

  “Shut up, Miss Scarlet! Everybody knows you’re just making a play for Captain Peacock!”

  Caught in the act, my secret publicly exposed, I was mortified. My fifteen-year-old cheeks burned hot and red as everyone turned to stare at me. I did the only thing I could think to do under the circumstances. I blundered on blindly, trying to deflect attention from my passion for Kenny.

  “Did you just address me as ‘Miss’? Why do the male characters have impressive job titles, like Colonel, Reverend and Professor, and the women are identified by marital status or spinsterhood?” I exclaimed. “Mrs. White? Mrs. Peacock? Miss Scarlett? In this day and age, it’s ridiculous!”

  “Says you, Miss Scarlett!” my brother needled me, a smirk plastered on his face. So relieved was I that we were off the topic of my secret love, I took the proverbial ball and ran with it.

  “If you insist on using my first name, I will remind all of you it’s spelled with one t, like the Scarlet oak for which I was named. But I shall not be saddled with old maid status. You may call me Miz Scarlet,” I informed the gang. “From now on, I shall answer to no other name!”

  I never expected that moniker to stick like glue, but it had. Here I was, so many years later, still Miz Scarlet. Better still, I was back with Kenny, enjoying a rekindled romance as a late bloomer in the game of love. It was hard to imagine my life without him now. What would make it better? If I were honest with myself, I’d have to admit I did fancy the idea of marrying him. Maybe I was tired of my spinsterhood after all.

  “What do you recommend for the lovelorn, Jen?” I asked, turning my attention back to my assistant. I gave her a playful poke. I expected her to tell me Kenny and I should spend more time together here at the inn and take some trips, so her answer took me by surprise.

  “If you start hanging out with brides, some of that romance is bound to rub off on you.”

  “Being around women in white gowns will do the trick?” I was amused by the notion. “You think so?”

  “I do.” She paused briefly, caught her own words, and tittered. “Hmm, ‘I do.’ Gee, maybe I can help you with some subliminal messaging and neurolinguistics.”