Because of you

by J. , Lea

  Ryder

  I’m lying in my bed, thinking about Aaliyah’s date with Noah. What if she’s having fun, what if she likes him? Will they kiss? What if he wants to have sex with her? Fuck, I don’t even want to think about that, my stomach is turning. No, she’s not like that, she won’t sleep with a guy on the first date. I already burned myself by jumping to conclusions. The television across the bed plays in the background—some old action movie, I have no idea what it’s about. Why did Noah show up at such an inappropriate moment? I was just about to apologize when he came through the door. Perhaps she wouldn’t go out with him if I told her I was sorry, and she listened to my explanation. And she looked so incredibly beautiful, like an angel, lighting up the room just by her presence. The tights she was wearing were like a second skin on her legs, emphasizing every muscle on her body. I slowly close my heavy eyelids and fall asleep with her on my mind.

  The next morning, the alarm I set for 7 a.m. wakes me up. I have practice at half past eight so I have to get up and get ready. Two hours of exercise will be good for me. It’s a good thing I’m not going to class, at least I won’t be searching for Aaliyah in the hallways. Shit, but Noah is going to be at practice. I hope he won’t brag about her, because I’m going to break his jaw if he touched her. I don’t hear any movement inside his room as I walk past it. He’s probably still sleeping—I hope this doesn’t mean he had a long night. Damn it, what’s wrong with me? I’m never jealous, never!

  At practice, we are divided into two groups to play a game after warm-up. I make sure I’m not in the same group as Noah, because now there’s no way I can cooperate with him. Jayden passes me the ball, I catch it and Noah runs into me. Instead of calling a flagrant foul, I push him off hard. He looks at me with surprise and I throw the ball at him, but he manages to catch it.

  “What’s your problem?” he demands angrily. I step so close to him we’re almost touching. We’re scowling at each other. “What’s wrong with you, you’re not yourself lately,” he says, holding the ball firmly.

  “What’s my problem? How was the date yesterday? Did you have fun? Did you use her?” He looks at me with surprise, as if he doesn’t know what I’m asking him.

  “What? What’s Aaliyah got to do with this? Don’t drag her into this.” Just as I am about to hit him in the face, Marc steps between us and separates us.

  “What is going on with you two?” he asks with eyes full of questions. Noah shifts from one foot to another and passes him the ball.

  “Ask Knight, he’s the one with the problem, not me.”

  “Guys, split up,” coach Collins barks. Noah turns around and walks to the bench, grabs a towel and wipes the sweat off his face, and Marc drags me to the other side of the gym.

  Chapter 8

  Aaliyah

  I wake up with a pounding headache. I check the time—it’s half past ten. Shit, I missed my classes. I fall back on the bed, groaning loudly. I barely managed to fall asleep last night, constantly thinking about how to break things between Noah and I. Oh, and that kiss made things even worse. Addison comes skipping into the room, snapping me out of my thoughts.

  “Morning, sleepyhead. How was your date last night?” I look at her sideways and sit up.

  “Don’t you have classes today?” She sits on the edge of my bed.

  “Not yet, I have two in the afternoon, and then I’m done. Now spill—how was it? I want to know everything. How did he handle you telling him you just want to be friends?” Biting my lip, I look at her. “You told him you want to be just friends, right?” I shake my head no, throw myself on the bed and pull the covers over my head. The blanket muffles my response. Addison pulls it off me and looks at me with her big eyes. “Oh my God, why haven’t you told him? Did you change your mind?” I still don’t say a word, I simply shake my head. “So? What stopped you?”

  “Ah, Addison, I feel terrible. I’m terrible. Just as I gathered the courage to tell him, he kissed me.” Shutting my eyes, I turn my head to the side, peeking at her with one eye open.

  “What? He kissed you? How was it? I bet he’s a great kisser,” she happily plunks on the bed beside me.

  “Addison!” I scold her for getting off topic.

  “Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m just surprised. Did you kiss him back?” I nod, and she slaps both hands over her mouth.

  “It shouldn’t have happened that way. I didn’t think I was going to do it. I told myself I was going to tell him at the end of the date, but then I was so surprised by his kiss I just ran to my room. I didn’t even say goodbye.” I take three deep breaths. “He’s a great guy, I’m sure he’d be a wonderful boyfriend. Am I weird for not liking him back? Every girl would be happy to have him. Do you think I’d learn to love him eventually? No, I shouldn’t lead him on—the more I wait, the worse it’ll be.”

  “Girl, I think you’re in trouble. You have to tell him, otherwise he’ll resent you for the rest of your life.”

  “I know, I know, I’ll tell him today, I promise, I just have to find the right words. But I’ll tell him today, for sure.”

  “What did Ryder want from you yesterday? He gave me such a dirty look it was best for me to leave you two to talk in peace.” I wave my hand.

  “Nothing, Noah came soon afterward, so we left. If it’s something urgent, he’ll find me.” Ah, Ryder. He’s another story altogether. Why am I constantly thinking about him? Why can’t he be like Noah? Why was I imagining what it would be like if Ryder kissed me the whole night? Would it be like it is described in books, epic as in the movies, fireworks and such? Perhaps the kiss would be just ordinary, like every other kiss I have received so far—nothing special. Oh, stop thinking about him, he’s not interested in you. I quickly send a text to Noah to see if he wants to meet for a drink, that I have some things to tell him. I get his reply fifteen minutes later. He’s apologizing for a late reply, he just came out of the shower because they had practice, and he’s agreeing to meet. I put the phone down and go make something to eat. I’ll write him back later to set a time.

  Half an hour later, I hear knocking on the door. Who could that be? I shout for them to come in, it is probably just a girl next door coming to borrow something.

  “Hi,” I say and turn around. I stop dead in my tracks when I see a totally different person standing in front of me. “Addison is not home, she just left,” I tell Ryder, a little surprised.

  “Actually I came to see you, Addison told me she wouldn’t be here. I wanted to talk to you alone, I don’t want anyone bothering us.” In that moment, my phone beeps. “Is it Noah?” he asks, pain evident in his eyes, and his lips form a straight line. I read the text and nod. “Are you together now? Do you like him? Why did you even go out with him?”

  “What’s with all the questions?” I demand angrily. “Why do you care?” He obviously thinks I also have a hidden agenda in dating Noah. “Do you think I went out with Noah because I want something from him? You think it’s about money again? I told you I’m not like that, and if you are trying to accuse me of something, please, leave. I don’t need you threatening me in my own home.” I go to the door and throw it open. I stand there, waiting for him to move, but he’s standing still, watching me. He suddenly moves, not saying a word. Just as I think he’s about to leave, he puts his hand on the door handle and closes the door. He’s still quiet, piercing me with his eyes. I could cut the thick tension in the air with a knife.

  “I came to talk to you, so sit down and listen to me. If you don’t like what I have to say, I’ll go away and leave you alone,” he says sharply, and I walk to the bed and sit on the edge.

  “Speak,” I say. Ryder sighs and starts.

  “I’m sorry,” is the first thing out of his mouth. I raise my gaze that was fixated at the floor. Okay, he has my attention. “I treated you badly, I was a jerk, and I wasn’t fair. I know the last thing you want is to hear me complaining, let alone to look at me. I completely understand if you hate me. I hate myself for what I was doing to
you.” He falls silent.

  “Okay, continue, you have my attention.”

  “I apologize again, I jumped to conclusions and I’ll never forgive myself for that. I’m sorry I hurt you.” A tear runs down my cheek, and he approaches so he can wipe it off with his thumb. “I want us to be friends, to hang out and go to parties together, grab a drink sometime.” I hear my phone beep again, and I look at the text. This time it’s not Noah, but Caden, asking about the footage. “Is it Noah? Are you going on a date?”

  “Yes…no…” I say, and he gives me a weird look. “I mean, yes, I’m meeting Noah, but this was someone else. Not Noah.” I throw the phone on the bed.

  “Someone else? Is there somebody else trying to get you to go out with him?” I shake my head.

  “No, it was no one important.” The tension fills the room again. I don’t know what to say to him. His closeness makes my senses spin and I focus my gaze on his full lips. I lick my lips, thinking about what it would be like if he kissed me. His voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

  “Okay, I’m leaving now. I said what I wanted to say, and I hope you can forgive me.” Hands stuck in his pockets, he gives me a sour smile.

  “I forgive you, but I still don’t understand why you behaved this way—I hope you can explain it someday. I’ll just have to get used to you not hating me,” I say with a faint smile on my face.

  “I never hated you,” he says, stepping close to me. “Never!”

  “Huh, you have a funny way of showing it,” I respond, confused.

  “I’m sorry,” he says once again. We’re standing in the doorway and staring at each other. “When is your date with Noah?” I give him a surprised look. Why does he want to know that? He closes his eyes, his breath caressing my cheek as he whispers in my ear: “I don’t want you to meet him, please, don’t go.” I raise my eyes to his, they’re full of hope.

  “I have to go.”

  “No, you don’t, tell him you’re busy.” I shake my head. I have to meet with Noah, urgently, to tell him we cannot be together. I want to tell him in person, not over the phone. He’s my friend and I don’t want to be so impersonal. “I have to,” I repeat. Ryder closes his eyes, shaking his head. “No you don’t. Don’t go. Did he kiss you?”

  “That’s none of your business,” I grimace, stepping away from him. “Why do you want to know?” He sighs, running his hands through his thick hair. Turning around, he takes a few steps forward, and then turns to me again.

  “Damn it,” I can hear him mumble. “Do you want to know why?” He’s standing right in front of me, breathing deeply. “Because I’ll keep imagining him kissing you, running his hands all over your body, touching you, making you laugh, when all I want is to be in his shoes. I want to do all that with you.” I gasp, stunned by his confession. How did we get from his disdain to him wanting to kiss me? Oh my God, he wants to kiss me. If he only knew I dream about that, too. But I’m not going to show him that, I want to clear things up with Noah first.

  “Goodbye,” I tell him, closing the door in his face without saying anything else.

  The next morning, I wake up nervous. I’m afraid of Noah’s reaction. I postponed our ‘date’ from yesterday to today, because after the confrontation with Ryder I was a mess. I take a towel and clean underwear from the closet and go to the shower. I am washing my hair, which gives me time to think. I’m trying to come up with a nice way to tell Noah nothing is going to happen between us. I turn off the water, step out of the shower and wipe myself dry. Quickly I blow-dry my long blonde hair, put on some mascara and get dressed. I have a faint idea of what I’m going to tell Noah, and I truly hope we can still be friends.

  I go to the café where we are meeting. As I enter, I notice he’s not here yet, so I sit at a table, order coffee to calm my nerves, and wait for Noah to join me. In my head, I keep repeating what I’m going to tell him. The bell rings and I turn my head to see who it is, since I am sitting with my back to the door. Noah. He gently smiles at me, approaching quickly. He wants to give me a kiss on the lips, but I turn my head so he plants a kiss on my cheek instead.

  “Hey, I missed you,” he says with a smile on his face, dimples appearing again. The waitress comes and takes his order. “So, how have you been? I couldn’t wait to see you again.” Sighing, I start speaking, there is no sense in delaying the inevitable.

  “Noah,” I say, dropping my gaze to the sugar bowl on the table. “I want to tell you something and I hope you won’t be mad.” He looks at me with surprise, urging me to continue. Shit, this is difficult. “Umm, I had a really great time on a date with you.” With a relieved smile he opens his mouth to say something, but I raise my hand to stop him. “You are a guy every girl would be lucky to have. Kind, patient, attentive, good-looking and very interesting.”

  “Ugh, why do I have a feeling there’s a ‘but’ coming?” he says with an uneasy smile.

  “But…”

  “I knew it.” He leans back in the chair.

  “I only see you as a friend, I’m sorry. I want us to remain friends, because we’ve become so close—I don’t want to ruin that. But I’ll understand if you don’t want me as a friend anymore. I wasn’t completely honest to you from the beginning, and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t want to hurt you. Someday, you’ll find a girl who will love you as much as you love her, and you’ll be very happy together. Every girl would be happy to be with you, to proudly introduce you to her mother.” He shakes his head in shock and whispers.

  “Just not you,” he says, pain in his voice.

  “I’m sorry,” I respond honestly.

  “Is it because of him?” he asks, and I give him a confused look. He points his head towards the door where Ryder is standing, piercing us with a glare. “It’s because of Ryder, isn’t it? I noticed the way you two look at each other.” Shaking my head, I take his hand, our fingers intertwining.

  “No, he doesn’t have anything to do with this, this is about me and you.” Ryder is already standing beside our table, giving Noah an angry look, then dropping his gaze to our entwined hands. I quickly let go of Noah’s hand and put mine in my lap. Noah stares at Ryder, anger enveloping him.

  “You just can’t stand me having a girlfriend, huh? I can’t believe this is happening again.” They start arguing loudly. Noah gets up, and now they’re angrily facing each other. They call each other names, pushing and shoving. I beg them to stop and calm down, but my pleas fall on deaf ears.

  “Okay, carry on if you want to, I don’t want to have anything to do with this. I’m leaving.” I turn around and leave the café. “Shit, what have I done?” I say to myself as I’m walking toward the entrance of my building.

  Ryder

  The other customers in the café are giving us ugly looks for being very loud, and we just knocked the sugar off the table when Noah shoved me. Aaliyah is begging us to stop, but we’re stubborn and both want to show we’re better than the other. A couple of moments later, I hear her leaving. I turn after her to stop her when I feel a nasty punch to my cheek, and I drop to the floor. Running my hand over the hurt spot, I angrily look up at Noah, who is shaking his head. I quickly get up and run after Aaliyah with Noah right at my heels. We both call after her at the same time, and Aaliyah stops. She’s still with her back to us as we approach, but slowly turns around, tears running down her delicate cheeks. Why is she crying? I extend my arm to wipe her tears, but she raises her hand to stop me. She shakes her head.

  “I’m sorry,” she begins, but I interrupt her.

  “Hey, don’t cry…”

  “Let me finish,” she says, sniffing. A car drives past us, honking because we’re practically standing in the middle of the road, and parks in the parking lot near us. “I didn’t want for any of this to happen,” she points at our faces, a few fresh cuts on them. “To come between two friends and cause conflicts. Please, don’t do this, I’m not worth it. I’m really sorry. Don’t fight because of me.” She turns around again and leaves.

&
nbsp; “Aaliyah,” I say in a low voice, Noah also calls after her. Without turning around she waves her hand at us.

  “Leave me alone, get away from me,” she responds before stepping through the large university door.

  Chapter 9

  Aaliyah

  I stand in front of the mirror, grab a towel and wipe my face that I just freshened with water. After the fight with Ryder and Noah, I went to classes, but I couldn’t focus, so I left the classroom. Now, I’m here in the bathroom, feeling sorry for myself. Everyone is still in class at this time so I’m alone, which suits me, because I need some peace and quiet to clear my thoughts. Ugh, why didn’t I tell Noah the truth in the beginning—now he’s angry at me, and his friendship with Ryder is in jeopardy. I don’t know why Noah thinks Ryder has anything to do with me not wanting to be with him. It’s true there’s something about Ryder I find intriguing. Some strange force is pulling me to him, I’m attracted to him like a magnet, and I have difficulties resisting its pull, but that’s not Ryder’s fault—it’s mine. The bell rings, and students’ voices fill the hallway. The bathroom door opens and a few girls come in. Paris, Scarlett and Britney are among them. They come closer to me, throwing nasty looks my way. Paris circles me and stares at me silently for some time. “Hey, girls,” I greet them, even though I can’t imagine what they want from me.