How to Be a Vampire

by R. L. Stine

  “That old abandoned house?” the vampire asked. “The one next to the cemetery?”

  “That’s the place,” Andrew said.

  “That’s where we’ll go,” the vampire said. “I’m impressed with your eagerness, kid,” he added. “Some of my pupils don’t want to hunt their own kind. Not for a long time. Let’s go.”

  “Wait,” Andrew said. “I better go to the bathroom first.”

  “No!” The vampire clamped his hand on Andrew’s wrist. “Enough of your delays. We’re going now!”

  17

  Andrew felt himself shrinking.

  He blinked.

  Lights swirled around him.

  Everything was out of focus.

  He felt himself leaping through space. Then he hit the ground running. He ran faster than he ever imagined he could.

  He sniffed the air. The smells! So many of them. And all so exciting! He lifted his chin and gave a great, long howl.

  “Quiet, you fool!” came the vampire’s voice inside his head. “Do you want the dogcatcher coming after us?”

  Andrew turned his head. Racing along beside him was a large gray wolf. A wolf with fiery red eyes.

  That’s when Andrew knew that he, too, was a wolf.

  They ran past the hospital, keeping to the shadows. Andrew sensed small animals fleeing in their path.

  Now the Fear Street Cemetery came into view. And the Cameron mansion. Andrew slowed his pace.

  “Hey!” the vampire called. “Keep running!”

  “Let’s check out the woods!” Andrew yelped. “Come on!”

  Andrew took off. He cut through yards and sped across Fear Street. He dashed into the woods.

  The vampire caught up with him.

  “Stop this!” he demanded. “We must hunt!”

  “I know,” Andrew told him. “But I’m not ready to stalk my victim yet. I want to wolf around for a while.”

  The vampire wolf drew his lips back, baring his long, white teeth. He gave a horrible snarl.

  “I see your point,” Andrew said. “Enough wolfing around. Let’s get on with the hunt.”

  Andrew trailed the vampire back toward the village. They stopped in a grove of trees outside the mansion. Andrew regained his human form without much ripping or tearing.

  “The boy you’re looking for,” the vampire whispered. “Is he inside the mansion?”

  Andrew nodded. “He’s spending the night . . . no, wait!” Andrew pointed to a winding pathway that led from the cemetery to the mansion. “There he is! He’s walking toward the house! See him? In the big, bulky coat?”

  “A brave lad,” the vampire said. “Or an incredibly stupid one—to be walking in the cemetery at this time of night. Can you sense his heartbeat?”

  “Loud and clear,” Andrew answered. “Oh, man! This kid is going to be so sorry he ever picked on me!”

  “Excellent!” the vampire exclaimed. “Revenge and food—perfect together!” He smiled down at Andrew. His fangs gleamed in the moonlight. “I knew you had the right stuff, kid. Go on. Go get him. Remember everything I taught you.”

  Andrew nodded. He held his breath and listened.

  There it was. A heart beating. But this was no small rabbit heart. This was a human heart. Pumping human blood with every beat.

  Andrew crouched down. He began moving toward his victim. He moved silently, speedily.

  His fangs slid down. Saliva began to drip from them.

  Inside Andrew’s head the beating of the heart grew louder.

  It sounded like a drum, beating and beating.

  Andrew drew closer.

  He raised his arms.

  He bent his knees and sprang at his first victim.

  18

  “Hey!” cried the boy. “Let go! Help!”

  Andrew grabbed him around the neck.

  “Don’t!” the boy wailed. “Stop!”

  Andrew wrestled him to the ground. He put a hand over his mouth.

  “Ummmmph!” the boy cried. He kept struggling.

  Andrew muffled a laugh.

  T.J. was really into his acting job!

  Andrew picked T.J. up by the collar of his big coat. He pretended to slam his head on the pavement.

  T.J. pretended to be knocked out.

  Andrew dragged his victim up the rickety stairs of the Cameron mansion. He pulled him inside the deserted house.

  At a distance, the vampire followed them inside.

  Andrew pulled T.J. into the living room. It was filled with old, dusty furniture. A big, overstuffed couch. And tattered, overstuffed chairs.

  Andrew grabbed T.J. under his arms and lifted him up. He shoved him into one of the chairs.

  T.J.’s head rolled on his neck. He groaned. Then he blinked his eyes open and looked around.

  “What . . . ? What’s going on?” T.J. said. He tried to get to his feet.

  Andrew pushed him back into the chair. “Quiet!” he snapped.

  Then Andrew turned to the vampire. “Now what?” he whispered.

  “Think about what I told you,” the vampire coached him. “The artery, kid. Go for the artery.”

  “Oh, right.” Andrew examined T.J.’s neck.

  T.J. moaned and rolled his head around some more.

  Andrew turned back to the vampire. He shrugged. “I—I can’t see it,” he said.

  The vampire strode over to T.J. He pressed a long, yellow fingernail to T.J.’s neck.

  “There,” he said. “That’s the artery. It’s pulsing plainly.”

  T.J. stared at the vampire. His eyes were wide. His mouth hung open slightly. He started to tremble.

  The vampire stared coldly back at him.

  Then a strange look came into T.J.’s eyes.

  Andrew gazed down at T.J.’s neck. The artery pulsed invitingly. Andrew drew his lips back.

  “Stop!” T.J. screamed. “Get away!”

  Andrew barely heard T.J.’s scream. All he heard was his heartbeat.

  T.J. bolted out of the chair. He shoved Andrew away. He ran for the door.

  Andrew tackled him in the hallway. He dragged T.J. back into the living room and pushed him into the chair.

  “Good, good,” the vampire said. “Now go for his neck.”

  Andrew leaned over T.J. He felt his fangs begin to tingle.

  “Andrew?” T.J. whispered weakly.

  Andrew blinked. At the sound of his name, his fangs stopped tingling. Saliva stopped dripping. He straightened up, glancing away from T.J.’s neck. He moved his thoughts away from the blood throbbing through T.J.’s blood vessels. He tried his hardest not to sink his teeth into his best friend’s neck!

  He had to think of something else—and fast. He pictured his room. The Super Bowl poster over his bed. The Archie comics on his bedside table. His guppies swimming around in his fish tank.

  It worked.

  His fangs slipped back up into his gums.

  Andrew let out a sigh of relief. The plan was going to work! It had taken a long time for T.J. and Emily to convince him that he could do it. But now he felt sure. The plan was going to work!

  Andrew leaned over T.J. He pretended to examine his neck as he whispered in his ear, “Okay, T.J. Hand me the stake.”

  19

  “The stake, T.J.!” Andrew whispered again.

  T.J. stared straight ahead. He didn’t move.

  “Give it to me!” Andrew mouthed the words. “Now!”

  T.J. only sat there, still as a statue. Frozen!

  Andrew’s own heart began to pound. Why didn’t T.J. open his coat? Why didn’t he hand him the stake the way they’d planned?

  Andrew straightened up. He turned toward the vampire.

  “Uh . . . why isn’t he trying to get away?” Andrew asked.

  The vampire smiled at Andrew. “I hypnotized him for you, kid,” he explained. “Since he is your first victim, and all. He’s ready for you.”

  Andrew stared back at T.J. This hadn’t been part of the plan! Now what? Maybe he could re
ach into T.J.’s coat and grab the stake. But T.J.’s coat was buttoned up. It would take too long. The vampire would know something was fishy.

  “Well?” the vampire said. “What are you waiting for?”

  “I don’t want to rush it,” Andrew said. He felt trapped.

  Andrew stared at T.J. At his neck. He saw the throbbing artery. His fangs slid down again. They began to tingle.

  Andrew swallowed. T.J. always said he wanted Andrew to bite him. He wanted Andrew to promise to make him his first victim. Well, Andrew was about to keep his promise.

  Andrew stopped thinking human thoughts. He gave in to the tingling feeling in his fangs. He concentrated on the artery. On the blood flowing inside it. Andrew bent over T.J. He drew close to his neck and opened his mouth.

  “Andrew! Stop!” Emily raced out from behind the big, overstuffed sofa. She waved a wooden stake in the air.

  Andrew straightened up. Emily! What was she doing here?

  The vampire whirled around, snarling at Emily.

  Emily screamed. She ducked back behind the couch.

  Then it all came rushing back to Andrew. The plan. The stakes. T.J. and Emily were there to help him destroy the vampire!

  Andrew shook his head. He cleared his mind of his vampire thoughts. His fangs slid back up into his gums.

  The vampire seemed stunned by Emily’s appearance.

  Andrew went into action. He grabbed T.J. and pulled him to his feet. “Wake up, T.J.!” he cried. “Quick!”

  T.J.’s head rolled around on his neck for real. Two wooden stakes fell out from the bottom of his coat.

  The vampire streaked across the room to Andrew.

  Andrew let go of T.J. He slumped back into the chair.

  Andrew turned to see the vampire lunging at him. Red sparks flew from his hate-filled eyes.

  “You!” He stabbed a bony finger at Andrew’s chest. “You planned this! You thought you could defeat me! Ungrateful human!”

  “No!” Andrew cried. “I—I didn’t do anything!”

  The vampire folded his arms over his chest.

  “I have lived six centuries!” he cried, his eyes flashing red anger. “You think you can fool me this easily?”

  “Me?” Andrew tried to sound innocent. His mind spun. He tried to think of what he should do. “I’m not trying to fool you!”

  The vampire scowled and shook his head. “To think I was going to give you the Dark Gift!”

  “You mean . . . you’re not going to?” Andrew asked.

  “That’s exactly what I mean, kid,” the vampire said.

  Andrew let out a long sigh of relief.

  “You’re not getting the Dark Gift now,” the vampire said. “You’re getting death.” He smiled. “I’m going to kill you.”

  20

  “Kill me?” Andrew cried. “No!”

  “Yes,” the vampire said. “All of you.”

  Andrew heard a noise behind him. He turned.

  Emily was making a break for the door!

  Go, Em! Andrew thought. Get away! Bring back help!

  But the vampire was too fast for her. He pounced for the door. He reached out. His hand caught Emily’s necklace.

  Emily made a choking sound.

  The vampire pulled on her necklace. He brought her slowly back into the room. He smiled. His fangs gleamed sharp and white. He glanced from Emily to T.J. and back to Andrew.

  “Three juicy humans,” he said. “Looks like it’s my night for a three-course dinner.”

  “Kill me,” Andrew volunteered. “But let them go.”

  “Not a chance.” The vampire rubbed his withered hands together. Then he reached out and grabbed Emily’s necklace again. “I think,” he said, “I’ll begin with you, sweetie.”

  He tugged on Emily’s pearls.

  Emily shut her eyes as the vampire pulled her nearer.

  Andrew wished he could do something. But what? He was only a vampire-in-training. He was powerless against a real vampire.

  The vampire pulled Emily close.

  Andrew saw Emily wrinkle her nose as she breathed in the vampire’s foul stench.

  “Gross!” Emily cried. She pulled suddenly away.

  Andrew heard a small pop as Emily’s necklace snapped. Dozens of pearls clattered to the floor.

  The vampire froze. He stood staring at the floor—at the string that had held the pearls in his hand.

  Andrew glanced down. Pearls were everywhere! Rolling under chairs. Under the sofa. How many of them? Two, four, six . . . So many beautiful pearls!

  Emily grabbed Andrew’s arm. “It’s true!” she whispered. “Look! He can’t resist counting little things!”

  “Huh?” Andrew blinked up at Emily. He saw the vampire counting her pearls. He, too, stared back down at them. Where was he? Ten, twelve, fourteen . . .

  “Forget the pearls!” Emily tugged on Andrew’s shirt. “Come on!”

  Emily dragged her brother over to T.J. The sight of his friend staring straight ahead brought it all back to Andrew.

  “Help me pick him up, Andrew,” Emily insisted. “We have to get out of here!”

  Andrew and Emily each grabbed one of T.J.’s arms. Together they dragged him out of the living room and into the hall.

  They stopped at the front door.

  “We can’t drag him all the way home,” Andrew pointed out.

  Emily nodded. “We have to get him out of his trance.”

  “T.J.!” Andrew shook him gently.

  “Wake up!” Emily snapped her fingers in front of his face.

  T.J.’s eyes still gazed at nothing.

  “T.J.!” Andrew shook him harder. “Come on! Wake up!”

  T.J.’s body stayed limp.

  Emily drew back a hand and smacked T.J.’s face.

  “Ow!” T.J. cried. He put a hand to his cheek. “That hurt!”

  “Sorry,” Emily whispered. “Hurry, Andrew. Open the door!”

  Andrew turned the knob. He pulled on it. It didn’t budge.

  Emily tried to open it too. She jiggled the locks and twisted the knob with no luck.

  “The vampire must have locked it,” Andrew said.

  T.J. fiddled with the locks and bolts. Nothing worked.

  “Come on!” Emily said. “We’ll go out the back door.”

  “Wait!” Andrew cried. “We’ll have to go by the vampire. What if he’s finished counting?”

  “We’ll have to take our chances,” Emily said. “It’s the only way out.”

  The three ran toward the other end of the mansion.

  Andrew zoomed straight for the kitchen door. He turned the knob. Nothing happened. The back door was stuck. Andrew tried to fling open one of the kitchen windows. No use. It was nailed shut.

  “He’ll be finished counting any minute!” Andrew wailed.

  “Listen!” Emily’s eyes grew wide. “I hear footsteps!”

  Andrew heard them too. His sister was right. The vampire was coming!

  Andrew’s eyes darted around the room, searching for a way out. The windows were shut tight. The door was stuck. The only other door led to the hallway.

  But that’s where they heard footsteps!

  That’s where the vampire was about to appear!

  “He’s got us!” Andrew cried. “We’re trapped!”

  21

  The footsteps sounded louder. They came closer. Closer to the kitchen. The old floorboards creaked and groaned.

  Andrew, Emily, and T.J. huddled together. They pressed against the far kitchen wall.

  “What time is it?” Andrew whispered.

  “Funny you should ask, kid!” the vampire’s voice boomed as he stepped into the room. “It’s time for you to die!”

  Andrew squeezed his eyes shut. No way was he going to let the vampire hypnotize him. Emily and T.J. pressed closer to him. He felt them trembling.

  Then Andrew felt them stop trembling. Their bodies relaxed. Andrew opened his eyes. He glanced at T.J. He stared straight ahead. Oh, no! The
vampire had put him into another trance!

  Andrew turned to Emily. She stared straight ahead. Just like T.J. The vampire had hypnotized both of them!

  T.J. slumped to the floor. Emily dropped beside him.

  Now it was only Andrew—and the vampire.

  The vampire smiled, showing his long, white teeth. “Eenie, meenie, miney!” he counted, ending with Andrew. “You die first!”

  Without thinking, Andrew put up his hands to cover his neck.

  “No, no, no.” The vampire stepped toward Andrew. “I’ve decided not to bite you.” He gripped Andrew’s shirt with his fist. “I won’t take a chance on giving you the Dark Gift. You’re not going to be undead, kid! You’re going to be dead dead!”

  Andrew tried to back away.

  “I made a mistake choosing you,” the vampire growled. “A bad mistake. But then, it’s the first mistake I’ve made in six hundred years. That’s not too bad. Still, it was a mistake.”

  Andrew nodded. He agreed. A big mistake. There was no way he could run now. No escape. The vampire was too fast. Too strong.

  I’m history, Andrew thought.

  Right then he wished he’d been a better vampire-in-training. Even biting bunny necks seemed better than being dead forever. But Andrew really wanted to be what he was right this minute. Alive! Andrew had to do something to keep it this way. He had to try!

  Andrew jerked suddenly to the right. He took the vampire by surprise. The fiend lost his grip. Andrew didn’t waste a second. He leapt over T.J. and sprinted across the room.

  “You know what, sir?” he shouted. “It’s too late!”

  The vampire snarled horribly. His eyes shot hot red sparks.

  “Too late for what, kid?” he asked.

  “Too late to take back the Dark Gift,” Andrew cried. “I’ve already got it! You’re too late to stop it!”

  Andrew kept his eyes away from the vampire’s. He drew his lips back from his teeth. His fangs slid down. He bared them and snarled at the vampire. “And one more thing!” he shouted. “Humphrey is a stupid name for a vampire!”

  With a growl, Humphrey the vampire lunged across the room.

  Andrew darted away.

  He glanced toward the little window in the kitchen door—and another plan sprang to his mind. Only before he could dodge away, the vampire was on him.