Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches

by Monty Python

Second Pepperpot: He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't tell Whizzo butter from a dead crab.

  Third Pepperpot: You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face.

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  It's the Arts

  (Interview with Sir Edward Ross)

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  About the Sketch:

  This sketch was sometimes called 'Interviews/Sir Edward Ross'. Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 1, it also featured in the Movie - ' And Now For Something Completely Different'. It was also performed on their Album - 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

  * * *

  The cast:

  ANNOUNCER

  Eric Idle

  HOST

  John Cleese

  SIR EDWARD ROSS

  Graham Chapman

  * * *

  The sketch:

  Announcer: Good evening and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts. And we kick off this evening with Cinema.

  Host: Good evening. One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed of any age, is Sir Edward Ross, back in his native country for the first time for five years to open a season of his works at the National Film Theatre, and we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in this studio tonight.

  Ross: Good evening.

  Host: Edward... you don't mind if I call you Edward?

  Ross: No, not at all.

  Host: Because it does worry some people - I don't know why - but they are a little sensitive so I take the precaution of asking on these occasions.

  Ross: No, that's fine.

  Host: So Edward's all right. Splendid. I'm sorry to have brought it up.

  Ross: No, no, please. Edward it is.

  Host: Well thank you very much for being so helpful. And it's more than my job's worth to, er...

  Ross: Yes, quite.

  Host: Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport - put the other person at his ease...

  Ross: Quite.

  Host: Silly little point but it does seem to matter. Still, er, least said the better. Ted, when you first started you... I hope you don't mind if I call you Ted, er, I mean as opposed to Edward?

  Ross: No, no, everyone calls me Ted.

  Host: Well of course it's shorter, isn't it.

  Ross: Yes it is.

  Host: And much less formal!

  Ross: Yes, Ted, Edward or anything!

  Host: Thank you. Um, incidentally, do call me Tom. I don't want you bothering with this 'Thomas' nonsense! Ha ha ha ha! Now where were we? Ah yes. Eddie Baby, when you first started in the...

  Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".

  Host: What?

  Ross: I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".

  Host: (pause) Did I call you "Eddie Baby"?

  Ross: Yes, you did! Now if you could get on with the interview...

  Host: I don't think I did call you "Eddie Baby".

  Ross: You did!

  Host: Did I call him "Eddie Baby"?

  (Audience murmurs of 'yes' etc.)

  Host: I didn't really call you "Eddie Baby", did I, sweetie?

  Ross: Don't call me "sweetie"!

  Host: Can I call you "sugar plum"?

  Ross: No.

  Host: "Pussycat"?

  Ross: No!

  Host: "Angel drawers"?

  Ross: No you may not! Get on with it!

  Host: Can I call you "Frank"?

  Ross: (suspiciously) Why "Frank"?

  Host: It's a nice name. Richard Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank.

  Ross: What IS going on?

  Host: Now Frank -- Fran -- Frannie -- little Frannie-pooh...

  Ross: No. I'm leaving. I'm off. I'm going. I've never... (exits)

  Host: (loudly) Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.

  Ross: (nearly offstage) What?

  Host: Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so very kind.

  Ross: None of this "Pussycat" nonsense?

  Host: Promise. (Pats seat next to him.) Please, Sir Edward.

  Ross: My latest film?

  Host: Yes, Sir Edward.

  Ross: Well the idea, funnily enough, is based on an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I was only the tea boy and...

  Host: Oh shut up!

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  Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson

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  About the Sketch:

  Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 1, it was also performed on their Album - Monty Python's Flying Circus' under the name More Television Interviews/Arthur"Two Sheds" Jackson.

  * * *

  The cast:

  HOST

  Eric Idle

  ARTHUR JACKSON

  Terry Jones

  OTHER HOST

  John Cleese

  * * *

  The sketch:

  Host: Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world's leading modern composers, Arthur 'Two sheds' Jackson. Mr Jackson.

  Jackson: Hello.

  Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. This -- what shall I call it -- nickname of yours...

  Jackson: Ah yes.

  Host: "Two sheds". How did you come by it?

  Jackson: Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me "Two Sheds".

  Host: And do you in fact have two sheds?

  Jackson: No, I've only got one. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me "Two Sheds".

  Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.

  Jackson: Yes.

  Host: And are you still intending to purchase this second shed?

  Jackson: (impatient) No!

  Host: ...To bring you in line with your epithet?

  Jackson: No.

  Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your symphony.

  Jackson: Ah yes.

  Host: Did you write this symphony in the shed?

  Jackson: (surprised) No!

  Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?

  Jackson: No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden shed.

  Host: I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in!

  Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business -- it doesn't really matter. The sheds aren't important. A few friends call me Two Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed. I'm fed up with it!

  Host: Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson, eh?

  Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.

  Host: (sternly) Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your symphony.

  Jackson: Huh!

  Host: I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting.

  Jackson: What?

  Host: I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were interested in train-spotting.

  Jackson: Well what's that got to do with my bloody music?

  Other host: (entering) Are you having any trouble with him?

  Host: Yes, a little. Good Lord! You're the man who interviewed Sir Edward Ross earlier.

  Other host: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, "Two Sheds".

  Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, "Two Sheds". This studio isn't big enough for the three of us! (They throw him out.)

  Jackson: Here, what are you doing? Stop it! [Crash.]

  Other host: Get your own Arts programme, you fairy!

  Host: Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson... Never mind, Timmy.

  Other host: Oh Mike, you're such a comfort.

  * * *

&nbs
p; Return to the sketches index

  Picasso / Cycling Race

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 1

  * * *

  The cast:

  ANNOUNCER

  Eric Idle

  BAXTER

  Michael Palin

  VICKY

  Eric Idle

  REG MOSS

  Eric Idle

  GEPPO

  Graham Chapman

  TRENCH

  John Cleese

  PEPPERPOT

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  Announcer : And now for more news of the momentous artistic event in which Pablo Picasso is doing a specially commissioned painting for us whilst riding a bicycle. Pablo Picasso - the founder of modern art - without doubt the greatest abstract painter ever... for the first time painting in motion. But first of all let's have a look at the route he'll be taking.

  (Cut to Raymond Baxter type standing in front of map. A small cardboard cut-out of Picasso's face is on map and is moved around to illustrate route.)

  Baxter: Well Picasso will be starting, David, at Chichester here, he'll then cycle on the A29 to Fontwell, he'll then take the A272 which will bring him on to the A3 just north of Hindhead here. From then on Pablo has a straight run on the A3 until he meets the South Circular at Battersea here. Well, this is a truly remarkable occasion as it is the first time that a modern artist of such stature has taken the A272, and it'll be very interesting to see how he copes with the heavy traffic round Wisborough Green. Vicky.

  (Cut to Vicky, holding a bicycle.)

  Vicky: Well Picasso will be riding his Viking Super Roadster with the drop handlebars and the dual-thread wheel-rims and with his Wiley-Prat 20-1 synchro-mesh he should experience difficulties on the sort of road surfaces they just don't get abroad. Mitzie.

  (Cut to linkman at desk with Viking on one side and a knight in armour on the other.)

  Announcer: And now for the latest report on Picasso's progress over to Reg Moss on the Guildford by-pass.

  (Reg Moss standing with hand mike by fairly busy road.)

  Reg: Well there's no sign of Picasso at the moment, David. But he should be through here at any moment. However I do have Geppo witm me Mr Ron Geppo, British Cycling Sprint Champion and this year's winner of the Derby-Doncaster rally.

  Geppo: (in full cydist's kit.) Well Reg, I think Pablo should be all right provided he doesn't attempt anything on the monumental scale of some of his earlier paintings, like Guernica or Mademoiselles d'Avignon or even his later War and Peace murals for the Temple of Peace chapel at Vallauris, because with this strong head wind I don't think even Doug Timpson of Manchester Harriers could paint anything on that kind of scale.

  Reg: Well, thank you Ron. Well, there still seems to be no sign of Picasso, so I'll hand you back to the studio.

  Announcer: Well, we've just heard that Picasso is approaching the Tolworth roundabout on the A3 so come in Sam Trench at Tolworth.

  Trench: (Standing at roadside) Well something certainly is happening here at Tolworth roundabout, David. I can now see Picasso, he's cycling down very hard towards the roundabout, he's about 75-50 yards away and I can now see his painting... it's an abstract... I can see some blue some purple and some little black oval shapes... I think I can see...

  A Pepperpot comes up and nudges him.

  Pepperpot: That's not Picasso - that's Kandinsky.

  Trench: (excitted) Good lord, you're right. It's Kandinsky. Wassily Kandinsky, and who's this here with him? It's Braque. Georges Braque, the Cubist, painting a bird in flight over a cornfield and going very fast down the hill towards Kingston and... (cylists pass in front of him) Piet Mondrian - just behind, Pier Mondrian the Neo-Plasticist, and then a gap, then the main bunch, here they come, Chagall, Max Ernst, Miro, Dufy, Ben Nicholson, Jackson Pollock and Bernard Buffet making a break on the outside here, Brancusi's going with him, so is Gericault, Fernarid Leger, Delaunay, De Kooning, Kokoschka's dropping back here by the look of it, and so's Paul Klee dropping back a bit and, right at the back of this group, our very own Kurt Schwitters..

  Pepperpot: He's German!

  Trench: But as yet absolutely no sign of Pablo Picasso, and so from Tolworth roundabout back to the studio.

  (Toulouse-Lautrec pedals past on a child's tricycle. Cut back to studio.)

  Announcer: Well I think I can help you there Sam, we're getting reports in from the AA that Picasso, Picasso has fallen off... he's fallen off his bicycle on the B2127 just outside Ewhurst, trying to get a short cut through to Dorking via Peaslake and Goreshall. Well, Picasso is reported to be unhurt, but the pig has a slight headache. And on that note we must say goodnight to you. Picasso has failed in his first bid for international cycling fame. So from all of us here at the 'It's the Arts' studio, it's goodnight. (pig's head appears over edge of desk; linkman gently pushes it back) Goodnight.

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  The Funniest Joke in the World

  * * *

  About the Sketch:

  Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 1, it also featured in the Movie - And Now For Something Completely Different'.

  * * *

  The cast:

  VOICE OVER

  Eric Idle

  COMMENTATOR

  Terry Jones

  INSPECTOR

  Graham Chapman

  COLONEL

  Graham Chapman

  CORPORAL

  Terry Jones

  NAZI

  John Cleese

  OFFICER

  Michael Palin

  OTTO

  Graham Chapman

  GERMAN JOKER

  Eric Idle

  GERMAN GUARD

  Terry Gillam

  GERMAN GENERAL

  Terry Jones

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Opening Scene: A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.)

  Voice Over : This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he win have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing.

  (Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.)

  Voice Over: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live ...

  (Ernest's mother (Eric Idle in drag) enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices thepiece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and fa11s down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.)

  Commentator: This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

  Inspector: I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

  (About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.)

  Inspector: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division ... (Inspector points to a grouo of dour looking policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me re
ading the joke. He gives a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.

  Commentator: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.

  (The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.)

  Voice Over: It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke washurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.

  (Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: 'Conference. No Admittance'.) Dispatch nider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter... . series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.)

  (Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.)

  Voice Over: Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.

  (Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth. Cut in to corporal's face- registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching generals are very impressed.)