by Monty Python
Interviewer: And when did you first notice these... shall we say... tendencies?
Confessor: Well... I was about seventeen and some mates and me went to a party, and, er... we had quite a lot to drink... and then some of the fellows there ... started handing ... cheese around ... and well just out of curiosity 1 tried a bit ... and well that was that.
Interviewer: And what else did these fellows do?
Confessor: Well some of them started dressing up as mice a bit ... and then when they'd got the costumes on they started ... squeaking.
Interviewer: Yes. And was that all?
Confessor: That was all.
Interviewer: And what was your reaction to this?
Confessor: Well I was shocked. But, er... gradually I came to feel that I was more at ease ... with other mice.
(Cut to linkman.)
Linkman: A typical case, whom we shall refer to as Mr A, although his real name is this:
Voice Over: (and CAPTION) ARTHUR JACKSON 32A MILTON AVENUE, HOUNSLOW, MIDDLESEX.
Linkman: What is it that attracts someone like Mr A to this way of life? I have with me a consultant psychiatrist.
(The camera pulls back to reveal the psychiatrist who places in front of himself a notice saying 'The Amazing Kargol And Janet '.)
Kargol: Well, we've just heard a typical case history. I myself have over seven hundred similar histories, all fully documented. Would you care to choose one?
(Janet, dressed in showgirl's outfit, enters and offers Linkman the case histories fanned out like cards, with one more prominent than the others; he picks it out.)
Kargol: (without looking) Mr Arthur Aidridge of Leamington.
Linkman: Well, that's amazing, amazing. Thank you, Janet. (chord; Janet postures and exits) Kargol, speaking as a psychiatrist as opposed to a conjuror...
Kargol: (disappointed) Oh...
Linkman: ... what makes certain men want to be mice?
Kargol: Well, we psychiatrists have found that over 8% of the population will always be mice. I mean, after all, there's something of the mouse in all of us. I mean, how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't felt sexually attracted to mice. (Linkman looks puzzled) I know I have. I mean, most normal adolescents go through a stage of squeaking two or three times a day. Some youngsters on the other hand, are attracted to it by its very illegality. It's like murder - make a thing illegal and it acquires a mystique. (Linkman looks increasingly embarrassed) Look at arson - I mean, how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't set fire to some great public building. I know I have. (phone on desk rings; the Linkman picks it up but does not answer it) The only way to bring the crime figures down is to reduce the number of offences - get it out in the open - I know I have,
Linkman: (replacing phone) 'l'he Amazing Kargol And Janet. What a lot of people don't realize is that a mouse, once accepted, can fulfil a very useful role in society. Indeed there are examples throughout history of famous men now known to have been mice.
(Cut to Julius Caesar on beach. He shouts 'Veni Vidi, Vial'. Then he adds a furtive squeak. Napoleon pulls slice of cheese out of jacket and bites into it. Cut to Linkman)
Linkman: And, of course, Hillaire Belloc. But what is the attitude...
(Cut to man in a Viking helmet.)
Viking: ... of the man in the street towards...
Linkman: ... this growing social problem?
(Vox pops films.)
Window Cleaner: Clamp down on them.
Off-screen Voice: How?
Window Cleaner: I'd strangle them.
Stockbroker: Well speaking as a member of the Stock Exchange I would suck their brains out with a straw, sell the widows and orphans and go into South American Zinc.
Man: Yeh I'd, er, stuff sparrows down their throats, er, until the beaks stuck out through the, er, stomach walls.
Accountant: Oh well I'm a chartered accountant, and consequently too boring to be of interest.
Vicar: I feel that these poor unfortunate people should be free to live the lives of their own choice.
Porter: I'd split their nostrils open with a boat hook, I think.
2nd Man: Well I mean, they can't help it, can they? But, er, there's nothing you can do about it. So er, I'd kill 'em.
(Cut to linkman.)
Linkman: Clearly the British public's view is a hostile one.
Voice Over: (and CAPTION) 'HOSTILE'
Linkman: But perhaps this is because so little is generally known of these mice men. We have some film now taken of one of the notorious weekend mouse parties, where these disgusting little perverts meet.
(Cut to exterior house (night). The blinds are drawn so that only shadows of enormous mice can be seen, holding slices of cheese and squeaking.)
Linkman:'s Voice Mr A tells us what actually goes on at these mouse parties.
(Cut to Mr A.)
Mr A: Well first of all you get shown to your own private hole in the skirting board... then you put the mouse skin on... then you scurry into the main room, and perhaps take a run in the wheel.
Linkman: The remainder of this film was taken secretly at one of these mouse parties by a BBC cameraman posing as a vole. As usual we apologize for the poor quality of the film.
(Very, poor quality film, shadowy shapes, the odd mouse glimpsed.)
Mr A's Voice: Well, er, then you steal some cheese, Brie or Camembert, or Cheddar or Gouda, if you're on the harder stuff. You might go and see one of the blue cheese films... there's a big clock in the middle of the room, and about 12.50 you climb up it and then ...eventually, it strikes one... and you all run down.
(Cut to a large matron with apron and cawing knife)
Linkman's Voice: And what's that?
Mr A's Voice: That's the farmer's wife.
(Cut to the linkman at desk.)
Linkman: Perhaps we need to know more of these mice men before we can really judge them. Perhaps not. Anyway, our thirty minutes are up.
(Sound of baa-ing. The linkman looks up in air, looks startled, pulls a gun from under the desk and fires in the air. The body of a sheep falls to the floor.)
Linkman: Goodnight.
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Court Scene
(witness in coffin / Cardinal Richelieu)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3
* * *
The cast:
JUDGE
Terry Jones
PRISONER
Eric Idle
COUNSEL
John Cleese
MRS. LEWIS
Graham Chapman
CARDINAL
Michael Palin
INSPECTOR DIM
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
Scene : A Courtroom with a Judge sitting where a Judge sits, and a prisoner in the dock.
Judge:: Mr Larch, you heard the case for the prosecution. Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?
Prisoner: Well... I'd just like to say, m'lud, I've got a family... a wife and six kids... and I hope very much you don't have to takeaway my freedom... because... well, because m'lud freedom is a state much prized within the realm of civilized society. (slips into Olivier impression) It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm the outward hatchments of'his soul, and soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet. It is most precious as a blessedbalm, the saviour of princes, the harbinger of happiness, yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear. What frees the prisoner in his lonely tree, chained within the bondage of rude walls, far from the owl of Thebes? What fires and stirs the woodcock in his spring or wakes the drowsy apricot betides? What goddess doth the storm toss'd mariner offer her most tempestuous prayers to? Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
Judge: It's only a bloody parking offence.
Counsel walks into court.
Counsel: I'm sorry I'm late m'lud I couldn't find a kosher car park.
Er... don't bother to recap m'lud, I'll pick it up as we go along. Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.
Mrs Lewis walks into the court and gets up into the witness box.
Clerk of the Court: Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.
Mrs. Lewis: (taking bible) I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so anyway, I said to her, 1 said, they can't afford that on what he earns, I mean for a start the feathers get up your nose, I ask you, four and six a pound, and him with a wooden leg, I don't know how she puts up widl it after all the trouble she's had with her you-know-what, anyway it was a white wedding much to everyone's surprise, of course they bought everything on the hire purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you've got to be cruel to be kind so Mrs Harris said, so she said, she said, she said, the dead crab she said, she said. Well, her sister's gone to Rhodesia what with her womb and all, and her youngest, her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish they've got whooping cough they keep spitting water all over their Bratbys, well, they do don't they, I mean you can't, can you, I mean they're not even married or anything, they're not even divorced, and he's in the KGB if you ask me, he says he's a tree surgeon but I don't like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, his mother's been much better since she had her head off, yes she has, I said, don't you talk to me about bladders, I said...
(While Mrs. Lewis was talking Counsel was trying to interupt and ask questions. Eventually he gives up and she is pushed out of court still talking.)
Judge: Mr Bartlett, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness. Counsel My next witness will explain that if m'ludship will allow. I call the late Arthur Aidridge.
Clerk of the Court: The late Arthur Aidridge.
Judge: The late Arthur Aidridge?
Counsel: Yes m'lud.
(A coffin is brought into the court and laid across the witness box.)
Judge: Mr Bartlett, do you think there is any relevance in questioning the deceased?
Counsel: I beg your pardon m'lud.
Judge: Well, I mean, your witness is dead.
Counsel: Yes, m'lud. Er, ,well, er, virtually, m'lud.
Judge: He's not completely dead?
Counsel: No he's not completely dead m'lud. No. But he's not at all well.
Judge: But if he's not dead, what's he doing in a coffin?
Counsel: Oh, it's purely a precaution m'lud - if I may continue? Mr Aidridge, you were a... you are a stockbroker of xo Savundra Close, Wimbledon. (from the coffin comes a bang) Mr Aidridge...
Judge: What was that knock?
Counsel: It means 'yes' m'lud. One knock for 'yes', and two knocks for 'no'. If I may continue? Mr Aidridge, would it be fair to say that you are not at all well? (from the coffin comes a bang) In fact Mr Aldridge, not to put too fine a point on it, would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were, what is generally known as, in a manner of speaking, 'dead'? (silence,' counsel listens;) Mr Aidridge I put it to you that you are dead. (silence) Ah ha!
Judge: Where is all this leading us?
Counsel: That will become apparent in one moment m'lud. (walking over to coffin) Mr Aidridge are you considering the question or are you just dead? (silence) I think I'd better take a look m'lud. (he opens the coffin and looks inside) No further questions m'lud.
Judge: What do you mean, no further questions? You can't just dump a dead body in my court and say 'no further questions'. I demand an explanation.
Counsel: There are no easy answers in this case m'lud.
Judge: I think you haven't got the slightest idea what this case is about.
Counsel: M'lud the strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads of this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue will shortly m'lud reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous ...
Judge: Mr Bartlett, your client has already pleaded guilty to the parking offence.
Counsel: Parking offence, schmarking offence, m'lud. We must leave no stone unturned. Call Cardinal Richelieu.
Judge: Oh, you're just trying to string this case out. Cardinal Richelieu?
Counsel: A character witness m'lud.
(Fanfare of trumpets. Cardinal Richelieu enters witness box in beaunful robes.)
Cardinal: 'Allo everyone, it's wonderful to be 'ere y'know, I just love your country. London is so beautiful at this time of year.
Counsel: Er, you are Cardinal Armand du Piessis de Richelieu, First Minister of Louis XIII?
Cardinal: Oui.
Counsel: Cardinal, would it be fair to say that you not only built up the centralized monarchy in France but also perpetuated the religious schism in Europe?
Cardinal: (modesty) That's what they say.
Counsel: Did you persecute the Huguenots?
Cardinal: Oui.
Counsel: And did you take even sterner measures against the great Catholic nobles who made common cause with foreign foes in defence of their feudal independence?
Cardinal: I sure did that thing.
Counsel: Cardinal. Are you acquainted with the defendant, Harold Latch?
Cardinal: Since I was so high (indicated how high).
Counsel: Speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as First Minister of Louis XIII, and as one of the architects of the modern world already - would you say that Harold Larch was a man of good character?
Cardinal: Listen. Harry is a very wonderful human being.
Counsel: M'lud. In view of the impeccable nature of this character witness may I plead for clemency.
Judge: Oh but it's only thirty shillings.
(Enter Inspector Dim.)
Dim: Not so fast!
Prisoner: Why not?
Dim: (momentarily thrown) None of your smart answers ... you think you're so clever. Well, I'm Dim.
(A caption appears on the screen 'DIM OF THE YARD')
Everyone: (in unison) Dim! Consternation! Uproar!
Dim: Yes, and I've a few questions I'd like to ask Cardinal so-called Richelieu.
Cardinal: Bonjour Monsieur Dim.
Dim: So-called Cardinal, I put it to you that you died in December 1642.
Cardinal: That is correct.
Dim: Ah ha! He fell for my little trap.
(Court applauds and the Cardinal looks dismayed.)
Cardinal: Curse you Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people.
Dim: And furthermore I suggest that you are none other than Ron Higgins, professional Cardinal Richelieu impersonator.
Cardinal: It's a fair cop.
Counsel: My you're clever Dim. He'd certainly taken me in.
Dim: It's all in a day's work.
Judge: With a brilliant mind like yours, Dim, you could be something other than a policeman.
Dim: Yes.
Judge: What?
(Piano starts playing.)
Dim: (singng)
If I were not in the CID
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not in the CID
A window cleaner, me!
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub all day long
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song!
(Dim mimes window cleaning movements in a sor of a dance routine. The rest of the court sings the chorus again with him. When they finish counsel enthusiastically takes over but this time the court all sit and watch him as though he has gone completely mad.)
Counsel: (Singing)
If I were not before the bar
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not a barr-is-ter
An engine driver me!
With a chuffchuffchuff etc.
(He, makes engine miming movements. A few seconds he sees that the rest of the court are staring at him in amazement and he loses momentum rapidly. After he stops a knight in armour walks up to the counsel and hits him with a raw chicken.)
* * *
Re
turn to the sketches index
How to recognize different types of tree
from quite a long way away
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3
* * *
Voice Over
(and CAPTION:)
'NO. 1'
'THE LARCH'
Voice Over
The larch. The larch.
Voice Over
(and CAPTION:)
'AND NOW...NO. 1...THE LARCH...AND NOW...'
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Bicycle Repair Man
Also featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese (with American Accent)
BICYCLE REPAIR MAN
Michael Palin
SUPERMAN ONE
John Cleese
SUPERMAN TWO
Graham Chapman
SUPERMAN THREE
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
Voiceover: This man is no ordinary man. This is Mr. H G Superman. To all appearances, he looks like any other law-abiding citizen. But Mr F G Superman has a secret identity. When trouble strikes at any time, at any place, he is ready to become... BICYCLE REPAIR MAN!
Superboy: Hey, there's a bicycle broken, up the road.
Superman One: If only Bicycle Repair Man were here!
Superboy: Yes, wait, I think I know where I can find him. Look over there!
