by Monty Python
Caption: FLASH!
All Supermen: Bicycle Repair Man, but how?
Superman One: Oh look... is it a stockbroker?
Superman Two: Is it a quantity Surveyor?
Superman Three: Is it a church warden?
All Supermen: NO! It's Bicycle Repair Man!
Superman: MY! Bicycle Repair Man! Thank goodness you've come! Look!
Caption: Clink! Screw! Bend! Inflate! Alter Saddle!
Superman Two: Why, he's mending it with his own hands!
Superman One: See how he uses a spanner to tighten that nut!
Superman: Oh, Oh Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repay you?
Bicycle Repair Man: Oh, you don't need to guv. It's all in a days work for... Bicycle Repair Man!
All Supermen: Our Hero!
Voiceover: Yes! whenever bicycles are broken, or menaced by international communism, Bicycle Repair Man is ready!
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Children's Stories
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3
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About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3, it was also performed on their Album - Monty Python's Flying Circus'.
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The cast:
STORYTELLER
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Sketch opens with five seconds of Gilliam animation. To gentle children's music, we see bunnies jumping up and down. Cut to children's storyteller in studio.)
Storyteller: (sitting with large children's book, at desk) Hello, Children, hello. Here is this morning's story. Are you ready? Then we'll begin. (opens book; reads) 'One day Ricky the magic Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he gabbed her heavy shoulders pulling her down on to the bed and ripping off her...; (reads silently, turns over page quickly, smiles) 'Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the men dressed as ladies...' (reads on silently; a stick enters vision and pokes him; he starts and turns over page) 'Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and ·.. discipline?... naked? ... (without looking up, reads a bit; then, incredulously to himself) With a melon!?
(ANIMATION: A hippo squashes the bunnies... and other things happen. Cut to a seaside beach. By a notice, 'Donkey Rides ', run two men carrying a donkey.)
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Restaurant Sketch
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3
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About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'.
The cast:
WIFE
Carol Cleveland
MAN
Graham Chapman
WAITER
Terry Jones
HEAD WAITER
Michael Palin
MANAGER
Eric Idle
COOK
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(Scene : A couple are seated at a table in a restaurant.)
Wife: It's nice here, isn't it?
Man: Oh, very good restaurant, three stars you know.
Wife: Really?
Man: Mmm...
Waiter: Good evening, sir! Good evening, madam! And may I say what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir!
Man: Oh thank you. Well there you are dear. Have a look there, anything you like. The boeuf en croute is fantastic.
Waiter: Oh if I may suggest, sir ... the pheasant à la reine, the sauce is one of the chefs most famous creations.
Man: Em... that sounds good. Anyway just have a look... take your time. Oh, er by the way - got a bit of a dirty fork, could you ... er·.. get me another one?
Waiter: I beg your pardon.
Man: Oh it's nothing ... er, I've got a fork a little bit dirty. Could you get me another one? Thank you.
Waiter: Oh ... sir, 1 do apologize.
Man: Oh, no need to apologize, it doesn't worry me.
Waiter: Oh no, no, no, I do apologize. I will fetch the head waiter immediatement.
Man: Oh, there's no need to do that!
Waiter: Oh, no no... I'm sure the head waiter, he will want to apologize to you himself. I will fetch him at once.
Wife: Well, you certainly get good service here.
Man: They really look after you... yes.
Head Waiter: Excuse me monsieur and madame. (examines the fork) It's filthy, Gaston ... find out who washed this up, and give them their cards immediately.
Man: Oh, no, no.
Head Waiter: Better still, we can't afford to take any chances, sack the entire washing-up staff.
Man: No, look I don't want to make any trouble.
Head Waiter: Oh, no please, no trouble. It's quite right that you should point these kind of things out. Gaston, tell the manager what has happened immediately! (The Waiter runs off)
Man: Oh, no I don't want to cause any fuss.
Head Waiter: Please, it's no fuss. I quite simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of the meal.
Man: Oh I'm sure it won't, it was only a dirty fork.
Head Waiter: I know. And I'm sorry, bitterly sorry, but I know that... no apologies I can make can alter the fact that in our restaurant you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery...
Man: It wasn't smelly.
Head Waiter: It was smelly, and obscene and disgusting and I hate it, I hate it ,.. nasty, grubby, dirty, mingy, scrubby little fork. Oh ... oh . . . oh . . . (runs off in a passion as the manager comes to the table)
Manager: Good evening, sir, good evening, madam. I am the manager. I've only just heard . .. may I sit down?
Man: Yes, of course.
Manager: I want to apologize, humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the fork.
Man: Oh please, it's only a tiny bit... I couldn't see it.
Manager: Ah you're good kind fine people, for saying that, but I can see it.., to me it's like a mountain, a vast bowl of pus.
Man: It's not as bad as that.
Manager: It gets me here. I can't give you any excuses for it - there are no excuses. I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recently, but I haven't been too well ,.. (emotionally) things aren't going very well back there. The poor cook's son has been put away again, and poor old Mrs Dalrymple who does the washing up can hardly move her poor fingers, and then there's Gilberto's war wound - but they're good people, and they're kind people, and together we were beginning to get over this dark patch ... there was light at the end of the tunnel . .. now this . .. now this...
Man: Can I get you some water?
Manager: (in tears) It's the end of the road!!
(The cook comes in; he is very big and comes a meat cleaver.)
Cook: (shouting) You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt, this fine, honourable Man, whose boots you are not worthy to kiss. Oh... it makes me mad... mad! (slams cleaver into the table)
(The head waiter comes in and tries to restrain him. )
Head Waiter: Easy, Mungo, easy... Mungo... (clutches his head in agony) the war wound!... the wound... the wound...
Manager: This is the end! The end! Aaargh!! (stabs himself with the fork)
Cook: They've destroyed him! He's dead!! They killed him!!! (goes completely mad)
Head Waiter: (trying to restrain him) Mungo... never kill a customer. (in pain) Oh . .. the wound! The wound! (he
and the cook fight furiously and fall over the table)
(On the Screen a Caption appears - 'AND NOW THE PUNCH-LINE')
Man: Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife...
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Seduced Milkman
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3
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About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'.
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The cast:
MILKMAN
Michael Palin
YOUNG LADY
Carol Cleveland
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The sketch:
Please note this sketch is mainly visual
(Milkman delivering milk to a suburban house. As he puts the milk down, the front door opens and a seductively dressed young lady beckons him inside. Glancinng round he follows her into the house and up the stairs. She leads him to the bedroom door, opens it, and ushers him inside, closing the door behind him. Inside, he is bewildered to see several elderly milkmen, who have obviously been therefor a very long time.)
The TV Series version finished here, however the Movie version continues...
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Stolen News reader
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3
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The cast:
NEWSREADER
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(Scene : A BBC News studio, where the news reader is just putting the phone down. At his desk is an old-fashioned microphone with 'BBC' on it. He is in evening dress, and speaks in beautifully modulated tones.)
Newsreader: Good evening, here is the 6 o'clock News read by Michael Queen. It's been a quiet day over most of the country as people went back to work after the warmest July weekend for nearly a year. The only high spot of the weekend was the meeting between officials of the NEDC and the ODCN in Bradford today.
(At this point, axes split open the studio door behind him. Through the hole, men with stockings over their heads leap in firing guns in all directions. The newsreader continues, unperturbed. Cut to marauders pushing the newsreader, still at his desk down a passage in the BBC They rush him out of the TV Centre and onto the back of a lorry.)
Newsreader: (continuing) In Geneva, officials of the Central Clearing Banks met with Herr Voleschtadt of Poland to discuss non-returnable loans on a twelve-year trust basis for the construction of a new zinc-treating works in the Omsk area of Krakow, near the Bulestan border. The Board of Trade has ratified a Trade Agreement with the Soviet Union for the sale of 600 low gear electric sewing machines. The President of the Board of Trade said he hoped this would mark a new area of expansion in world trade and a new spirit of co-operation between East and West. There has been a substantial drop in Gold Reserves during the last twelve months. This follows a statement by the Treasury to the effect that the balance of imports situation had not changed dramatically over the same period.
(cut to lorry hurtling through London with newsreader still reading news on the back - facing backwards; cut to lorry hurtling through country lane and flashing past camera)
Newsreader: (continuing)Still no news of the National Savings book lost by Mr Charles Griffiths of Porthcawl during a field expedition to the Nature Reserves of Swansea last July. Mr Griffiths' wife said that her husband was refusing to talk to the Press until the Savings Certificate had been found.
(cut to gang hoisting him on to the back of' an open lorry, still in desk etc.)
Newsreader: (continuing) In Cornwall the death has been announced today of the former Minister without Portfoho, General Sir Hugh Marksby-Smith. Sir Hugh was vice-president of the Rotarian movement.
(a long shot of a jetty; we see the gang still pushing the newsreader still on his desk along the jetty)
Newsreader: (continuing) In the match between Glamorgan and Yorkshire, the Yorkshire bowler Nicholson took eight wickets for three runs. Glareorgan were all out for the thirty-six and therefore won the match by an innings and seven runs. Weather for tomorrow will be cloudy with occasional outbreaks of rain. And that is the end of the news.
(they reach the end and push him over into the sea... sound effects: splash. Gurgle gurgle.)
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Children's Interview
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3
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The cast:
INTERVIEWER
John Cleese
LITTLE ERIC
Eric Idle
LITTLE MICHAEL
Michael
LITTLE TERRY
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
Scene : An interviewer bending down to speak to 3 children in playground.
Interviewer: Eric ... do you think you could recognize a larch tree?
Eric: (after much deliberation) Don't know.
(Roars of delighted pre-recorded laughter from unseen audience.)
Interviewer: What's your name?
Michael: Michael.
(Laughter.)
Interviewer: Michael, do you think you know what a larch tree looks like?
Michael: (bursting into tears) I want to go home.
(Shrieks from unseen audience.)
Terry: Bottom!
(More shrieks.)
Interviewer: Are there any other trees that any of you think you could recognize from quite a long way away?
Terry: I ... want... to see a sketch of Eric's please...
Interviewer: What?
Terry: I want to see a sketch of Eric's. Nudge Nudge.
Interviewer: A sketch?
Terry: Eric's written...
Eric: I've written a sketch.
Michael: Nudge nudge, Eric's written ...
Eric: Nudge nudge ... nudge ... nudge
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Nudge, Nudge
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3
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About the Sketch:
This skecth not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 3, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different' and performed live in the Movie - 'Live at the Hollywood Bowl'. It was also performed on their Albums - 'Monty Python's Flying Circus', 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (UK version), 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (US version), ''Monty Python's The Final Ripoff' 'The Ultimate Monty Python Ripoff' and 'Lust for Glory'. They also performed this sketch live on their albums 'Monty Python live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane' and 'Monty Python live at City Center..
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The cast:
MAN
Eric Idle
SQUIRE
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
Man: 'Evening, squire!
Squire: (stiffly) Good evening.
Man: Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?
Squire: I, uh, I beg your pardon?
Man: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?
Squire: (flustered) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes.
Man: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?
Squire: (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
Man: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!
Squire: Are you, uh,...are you selling something?
Man: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!
Squire: Well, I, uh....
Man: Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?
Squire: Um, sh
e likes sport, yes!
Man: I bet she does, I bet she does!
Squire: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.
Man: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been around a bit, been around?
Squire: She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale. (pause)
Man: SAY NO MORE!!
Man: Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!
Squire: I wasn't going to!
Man: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, is your wife interested in....photography, ay? "Photographs, ay", he asked him knowlingly?
Squire: Photography?
Man: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?
Squire: Holiday snaps, eh?
Man: They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know, CANDID photography?
Squire: No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.
Man: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?
Squire: Look... are you insinuating something?
Man: Oh, no, no, no...yes.
Squire: Well?
Man: Well, you're a man of the world, squire.
Squire: Yes...
Man: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've "done it"....
Squire: What do you mean?
Man: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady....
