by Monty Python
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Crunchy Frog
(Also known as Whizzo Chocolates)
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About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 6, it also performed live in the Movie - 'Live at the Hollywood Bowl' and on their album 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (US version). They also performed this sketch live on their albums - 'Monty Python Flying Circus' and 'Monty Python live at City Center.
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The cast:
INSPECTOR PRALINE
John Cleese
SUPERINTENDENT PARROT
Graham Chapman
MR. MILTON
Terry Jones
BBC ANNOUNCER
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(Cut to Inspector Praline.)
Praline: Hello again. I am at present still on film, but in a few seconds I shall be appearing in the studio. Thank you.
(Cut to studio. A door opens. Inspector Praline looks round door. )
Inspector Praline: (to camera) Hello. (he walks in followed by Superintendent Parrot and goes to desk) Mr Milton? You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
Milton: I am.
Praline: Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad. We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entified The Whizzo Quality Assortment.
Milton: Ah, yes.
Praline: (producing box of chocolates) If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the cherry fondue. This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.
Milton: Agreed.
Praline: Next we have number four, 'crunchy frog'.
Milton: Ah, yes.
Praline: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?
Milton: Yes. A little one.
Praline: What sort of frog?
Milton: A dead frog.
Praline: Is it cooked?
Milton: No.
Praline: What, a raw frog?
(Superintendent Parrot looks increasingly queasy.)
Milton: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.
Praline: That's as maybe, it's still a frog.
Milton: What else?
Praline: Well don't you even take the bones out?
Milton: If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it?
Praline: Superintendent Parrot ate one of those.
Parrot: Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly)
Milton: It says 'crunchy frog' quite clearly.
Praline: Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. People won't expect there to be a frog in there. They're bound to think it's some form of mock frog.
Milton: (insulted) Mock frog? We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind!
Praline: Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'crunchy frog', and replace them with the legend 'crunchy raw unboned real dead frog', if you want to avoid prosecution.
Milton: What about our sales?
Praline: I'm not interested in your sales, I have to protect the general public. Now how about this one. (superintendent enters) It was number five, wasn't it? (superintendent nods) Number five, ram's bladder cup. (exit superintendent) What kind of confection is this?
Milton: We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit.
Praline: Lark's vomit?
Milton: Correct.
Praline: Well it don't say nothing about that here.
Milton: Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.
Praline: (looking) Well I hardly think this is good enough. I think it would be more appropriate if the box bore a large red label warning lark's vomit.
Milton: Our sales would plummet.
Praline: Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery, like praline or lime cream; a very popular flavour I'm led to understand. (superintendent enters) I mean look at this one, 'cockroach cluster', (superintendent exits) 'anthrax ripple'. What's this one, 'spring surprise'?
Milton: Ah - now, that's our speciality - covered with darkest creamy chocolate. When you pop it in your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through-both cheeks.
Praline: Well where's the pleasure in that? If people place a nice chocky in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks pierced. In any case this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
Milton: (getting up from desk and being led away) It's a fair cop.
Praline: Stop talking to the camera.
Milton: I'm sorry.
(Superintendent Parrot enters the room as Inspector Praline and Milton leave, and addresses the camera.)
Parrot: If only the general public would take more care when buying its sweeties, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the nation and they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped and sitting around in public lavatories.
Announcer: The BBC would like to apologize for the extremely poor quality of the next announcement, only he's not at all well.
Parrot: We present 'The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker'.
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Dull Life of a Stockbroker
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 6
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The cast:
SUPERINTENDENT PARROT
Graham Chapman
STOCKBROKER
Michael Palin
WIFE
Carol Cleveland
FIRST MAN
Graham Chapman
SECOND MAN
Terry Jones
NEIGHBOUR
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
Parrot: We present 'The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker'.
(Cut to a nice suburban street. Inside the house a stockbroker is finishing his breakfast. His attractive wife looks on. He picks up his hat, rises, kisses her goodbye, and leaves, As he does so, she takes off her wrap and two men dressed only in briefs step out of the kitchen cupboard. In the front garden the stockbroker bids his neighbour 'good morning,' as he moves off a large African native throws an assegai, killing the neighbour. The stockbroker, not noticing this, moves on. A high street: he walks into a newsagents. Behind the counter a naked young lady gives him his newspaper. Taking his change without apparently noticing her he leaves. A bus queue: the stockbroker is at the head of it; there are four people behind him. As they wait, the Frankenstein monster comes up behind them and works his way along the queue, killing each member as he goes. He has just reached the stockbroker - who has not seen him - when the bus arrives and the stockbroker gets on. On the bus: all the other passengers are uniformed soldiers. The bus drives along a road past explosions and gunfire. A hand grenade comes through the window and lands on the seat next to the stockbroker. The soldiers leave the bus rapidly; the stockbroker calmly leaves the bus and walks down the street, in which the soldiers are engaging in a pitched battle. The stockbroker hails a taxi; it stops. No driver is visible. The stockbroker gets in and it drives off in the stockbroker's office: a secretary is dead across her typewriter with a knife in her back; at the back of the office a pair of legs swing gently from the ceiling; a couple are snogging at his desk. Unconcerned, the stockbroker sits down. Furtively he looks round, then takes from the desk drawer a comic-book entitled 'Thrills and Adventure'. We see the frames of the comic strip. A Superman-type character and a girl are shrinking from an explosion. She is saying 'My God, he's just exploded with enough force to destroy his kleenex. In the
next frame, the Superman character is saying 'If only I had a kleenex to lend him - or even a linen handkerchief- but these trousers...!! No back pocket!' In the frame beneath, he fiies from side to side attempting to escape; finally he breaks through, bringing the two frames above down on himself. Cut to a picture of a safety curtain. An animated man comes in front of it and says:)
Man: Coming right up - the theatre sketch - so don't move!
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Red Indian in Theatre
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 6
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The cast:
SIOUX INDIAN
Eric Idle
MAN
Graham Chapman:
HOUSE MANAGER
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(The front stalls of a theatre. It is a first night - a lot of people in dinner jackets etc. About three rows back there is a spare seat. A general rustle of programmes, chocolates and theatrical murmurs. Suddenly a Sioux Indian enters, clad only in loin cloth, wearing war paint and with a single strip of hair in the middle of his head and feather. He carries a bow and a quiver of arrows. He settles into the empty seat. The Man next to him shifts uneasily and looks straight ahead. The Indian looks his neighbour up and down a couple of times.)
Indian: (always speaking with full gestures) Me heap want see play. Me want play start heap soon.
(Man next to him nods.)
Man: Yes well. I think it .., begins in a minute.
Indian: Me heap big fan Cicely Courtneidge.
Man: (highly embarrassed) Yes ... she's very good.
Indian: She fine actress ... she make interpretation heap subtle ... she heap good diction and timing ... she make part really live for Indian brave.
Man: Yes ... yes ... she's marvelous...
Indian: My father - Chief Running Stag - leader of mighty Redfoot tribe - him heap keen on Michael Denison and Dulcie Gray.
Man: (unwillingly drawn in) Do you go to the theatre a lot?
Indian: When moon high over prairie ... when wolf howl over mountain, when mighty wind roar through Yellow Valley, we go Leatherhead Rep - block booking, upper circle - whole tribe get it on 3/6d each.
Man: That's very good.
Indian: Stage Manager, Stan Wilson, heap good friend Redfoot tribe. After show we go pow-wow speakum with director, Sandy Camp, in snug bar of Bell and Compasses. Him mighty fine director. Him heap famous.
Man: Oh - Idon't know him myself.
Indian: Him say Leatherhead Rep like do play with Redfoot tribe.
Man: Oh that's good...
Indian: We do 'Dial M for Murder'. Chief Running Elk - him kill buffalo with bare hands, run thousand paces when the sun is high - him play Chief Inspector Hardy - heap good fine actor.
Man: You do a lot of acting do you?
Indian: Yes. Redfoot tribe live by acting and hunting.
Man: You don't fight any more?
Indian: Yes! Redfoot make war! When Chief Yellow Snake was leader, and Mighty Eagle was in land of forefather, we fight Pawnee at Oxbow Crossing. When Pawnee steal our rehearsal copies of 'Reluctant Debutante' we kill fifty Pawnee - houses heap full every night. Heap good publicity.
(The lights start to dim. Auditorium chatter subsides.)
Man: (visibly relieved) I think he's about to start now, thank God for that.
(They both look towards stage. The overture starts.)
Indian: (leaning across) Paleface like eat chocolate? (proffers box)
Man: No, thank you very much.
Indian: (helping himself) Hmmm - crunchy frog - heap good.
(Cut to stage, house manager walks out in front of tabs. He is a very nice young man)
House Manager: Ladies and gentlemen. Before the play starts, I would like to apologize to you all, but unfortunately Miss Cicely Courtneidge is unable to appear, owing to...
(He is suddenly struck in the chest by first one arrow and then another. He crumbles to the ground revealing half a dozen in his back. The air is filled with war-whoops and drum beats and screams.)
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Policeman make wonderful friends /
A Scotsman on a horse
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 6
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The cast:
MUM
Terry Jones
DAD
Ian Davidson
FIRST SCOTSMAN
John Cleese
SECOND SCOTSMAN
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Scene : A working-class kitchen.)
Mum: (reading newspaper) D'you read that, Edgar?
Dad: What's that dear?
Mum: There's been another Indian massacre at Dorking Civic Theatre.
Dad: About time too dear...
Mum: 'Those who were left alive at the end got their money back'.
Dad: That's what live theatre needs - a few more massacres...
Mum: 'The police are anxious to speak to anyone who saw the crime, ladies with large breasts, or just anyone who likes policemen.'
(Suddenly a policeman walks in between the couple and the camera.)
Policeman: (to camera) Yes! Policemen make wonderful friends. So it' you are over six feet tall and would like a friend, a pen friend, in the police force, here is the address to write to: 'Mrs Ena Frog, 8 Masonic Apron Street, Cowdenbeath'. Remember-policemen make wonderful friends. So write today and take advantage of our free officer. Thank you. And now for the next sketch.
(The policeman renteves his halmet, shakes it, proffers it to mum at the table. She takes out a small folded bit of paper, opens and reads.)
Mum: A Scotsman on a horse.
Policeman: For Mrs Emma Hamilton of Nelson, a Scotsman on a horse.
(A Scotsman rides up to the camera and looks around puzzled. In long-shot we see him riding off. At a wee Scottish kirk another Scotsman is waiting at the head of the aisle to be married. Intercut between first Scotsman galloping through the countryside and the wedding procession coming up the aisle. The wedding takes place; just as it finishes' the first Scotsman rides up to the kirk and rushes in. The assembled congregation look at him in alarm as he surveys them; then he picks up the other Scotsman and carries him off. Cut to film of Women's Institute audience applauding.)
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Twentieth-Century Vole
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 6
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The cast:
LARRY
Graham Chapman
FIRST WRITER
Michael Palin
SECOND WRITER
Terry Jones
THIRD WRITER
Eric Idle
FOURTH WRITER
John Cleese
FIFTH WRITER
Terry Gillam
SIXTH WRITER
Ian Davidson
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The sketch:
(We start with animation, which leads us to the 'Twentieth Century Vole' trademark. Cut to film producer's office. Six writers sitting round a table with one very impressive chair empty at the head of the table. They wait reverently. Suddenly the door of the room flies open and Larry Saltzberg, the film producer, walks in. The writers leap to their feet.)
Larry: Good morning boys.
Writers: Good morning Mr Saltzberg.
(They run to help him into his chair.)
Larry: (sitting) Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Now, boys, I want you to know that I think you are the best six writers in movies today. (the writers are overcome) I want you to know that I've had an idea for the next movie I'm going to produce and I want you boys to write it. The writers run and kiss him.
Writers: Thank you. Thank you.
Larry: Oh sit down! Sit down! Sit down! There'll be plenty of time for that later o
n. Now boys, here's my idea...
Third Writer: It's great!
Larry: You like it huh? (he looks round the table)
Writers: (catching on fast) Yeah, yeah, great! Really great. Fantastic. (first writer is the only one not having an orgasm about the idea)
Larry: (to first writer) Do you like it?
First Writer: (thrown) Yeah! Er ... yeah.
Larry: (still to first writer) What do you like best about it?
First Writer: Oh well you haven't told us... what it is yet...
Larry: WHAT!?
First Writer: (pointing at second writer) I like what he likes.
Larry: What do you like?
Second Writer: (pointing at third writer) I like what he likes.
Third Writer: (pointing at fourth writer) I like what he likes.
Fourth Writer: I like what he likes (pointing at fifth writer)
Fifth Writer: I just crazy about what he likes (pointing at sixth writer)
Larry: What do you like?
Sixth Writer: I ... I ... I ... agree with them.
Larry: Good! Now we're getting somewhere. Now, here's the start of the movie ... I see snow! (writers applaud) White snow!
Fourth Writer: Think of the colours!
Larry: And in the snow, I see ... a tree!
Writers: (applauding) Yes! Yes!
Larry: Wait, wait I haven't finished yet.
Third Writer: There's more?
Larry: And by this tree, gentlemen, I see ... a dog!
