by Monty Python
Writers: Olé!
Larry: And gentlemen, this dog goes up to the tree, and he piddles on it.
Writers: Hallelujah!
Sixth Writer: Have we got a movie!
Fifth Writer: He tells it the way it is!
Fourth Writer: It's where it's at!
Third Writer: This is something else!
Second Writer: It's out of sight!
First Writer: (finding Larry staring at him) I like it, I like it.
Larry: (suspicious) Oh yeah?
First Writer: Yeah, yeah, I promise I .like it
Fifth Writer: Sir, I don't know how to say this but I got to be perfectly frank. I really and truly believe this story of yours is the greatest story in motion-picture history.
Larry: Get out!
Fifth Writer: What?
Larry: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a yes-man! Get out! (fifth writer leaves very fast, the others go very quiet) I'll see you never work again. (to sixth writer) What do you think?
Sixth Writer: Well... I...
Larry: Just because I have an idea it doesn't mean it's great. It could be lousy.
Sixth Writer: It could?
Larry: Yeah! What d'ya think?
Sixth Writer: It's lousy.
Larry: There you are, you see, he spoke his mind. He said my idea was lousy. It just so happens my idea isn't lousy so get out you goddam pinko subversive, get out! (sixth writer exits) You... (looking straight at fourth writer)
Fourth Writer: Well ... I think it's an excellent idea.
Larry: Are you a yes-man?
Fourth Writer: No, no, no, I mean there may be things against it.
Larry: You think it's lousy, huh?
Fourth Writer: No, no, I mean it takes time.
Larry: (really threatening) Are you being indecisive?
Fourth Writer: Yo. Nes. Perhaps. (runs out)
Larry: I hope you three gentlemen aren't going to be indecisive! (they try to hide under the table) What the hell are you doing under that table?
First Writer: We dropped our pencils.
Larry: Pencil droppers, eh?
Writers: No, no, no, no, no!
Larry: Right. Now I want your opinion of my idea ... (pointing at first writer) You...
First Writer: (quaking) Oh...
(First writer looks around and then faints.)
Larry: Has he had a heart attack?
Second and Third Writers: Er...
Larry: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who have heart attacks.
First Writer: (recovering immediately) I feel fine now.
Larry: Well, what do you think?
Writers: Oh! Eh! You didn't ask me you asked him. He didn't ask me, he asked him. No, him.
Larry: I've changed my mind. I'm asking you, the one in the middle.
Second Writer: The one in the middle?
Larry: Yes, the one in the middle. (the phone rings) Hello, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Dimitri ... (all jockey for position desperately trying to put the others in the middle and finish sitting on one chair) What the hell are you doing?
Second Writer: I'm thinking.
Larry: Get back in those seats immediately. (back to phone) Yes... (second writer is gabbed by the others and held in the middle chair; Larry finishes with the phone) Right you. The one in the middle, what do you think?
Second Writer: (panic) Er... er...
Larry: Come on!
Second Writer: Splunge.
Larry: Did he say splunge?
First and Third Writers: Yes.
Larry: What does splunge mean?
Second Writer: It means ... it's a great-idea-but-possibly-not-and-I'm-not-being-indecisive!
Larry: Good. Right . .. (to third writer) What do you think?
Third Writer: Er. Splunge?
Larry: OK...
First Writer: Yeah. Splunge for me too.
Larry: So all three of you think splunge, huh?
Writers: Yes!
Larry: Well now we're getting somewhere. No, wait. A new angle! In the snow, instead of the tree, I see Rock Hudson, and instead of the dog I see Doris Day and, gentlemen, Doris Day goes up to Rock Hudson and she kisses him. A love story. Intercourse Italian style. David Hemmings as a hippy Gestapo officer. Frontal nudity. A family picture. A comedy. And then when Doris Day's kissed Rock Hudson she says something funny like... (looks at third writer)
Third Writer: Er ... Good evening.
Larry: Doris Day's a comedienne, not a news reader. Get out! (third writer runs) She says something funny like (looks at second writer)
Second Writer: Splunge?
Larry: That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Get out! (second writer leaves) Doris Dog kisses Rock Tree and she says (looks at first writer)
First Writer: Er... er... er... I can't take it anymore. (runs out)
Larry: I like that! I like that, I can't take it any more, and then Rock Hudson says 'I'm a very rich film producer and I need a lobotomy' and then Doris Dog says 'I think you're very handsome and I'm going to take all my clothes off' and then Doris Dog turns into a yak and goes to the bathroom on David Lemming. No, wait, wait! (picks up phone) Hello, (cut to 'It's' man film with Larry continuing voice over) hello, hello, who are you? You're an out-of-work writer? Well, you're fired. Roll the credits. (here the credits do start to roll with Larry's voice continuing over) Produced by Irving C. Saltzberg Jnr. of Irving C. Saltzberg Productions Ltd. and Saltzberg An Films, Oil, Real Estate, Banking and Prostitution Inc.
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Camel Spotting / You're no Fun
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 7
* * *
The cast:
INTERVIEWER
John Cleese
CAMEL SPOTTER
Eric Idle
COUNT DRACULA
Graham Chapman
GIRL
Donna
LASHER
Terry Jones
LASHEE
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(In the country we an Interviewer, with microphone. Behind him a man sits on a wall, with clip-board, binoculars and spotting gear.)
Interviewer: Good evening. Tonight we're going to take a hard tough abrasive look at camel spotting. Hello.
Spotter: Hello Peter.
Interviewer: Now tell me, what exactly are you doing?
Spotter: Er well, I'm camel spotting. I'm spotting to see if there are any camels that I can spot, and put them down in my camel spotting book.
Interviewer: Good. And how many camels have you spotted so far?
Spotter: Oh, well so far Peter, up to the present moment, I've spotted nearly, ooh, nearly one.
Interviewer: Nearly one?
Spotter: Er, call it none.
Interviewer: Fine. And er how long have you been here?
Spotter: Three years.
Interviewer: So, in, er, three years you've spotted no camels?
Spotter: Yes in only three years. Er, I tell a lie, four, be fair, five. I've been camel spotting for just the seven years. Before that of course I was a Yeti Spotter.
Interviewer: A Yeti Spotter, that must have been extremely interesting.
Spotter: Oh, it was extremely interesting, very, very - quite... it was dull; dull, dull, dull, oh God it was dull. Sitting in the Waterloo waiting room. Course once you've seen one Yeti you've seen them all.
Interviewer: And have you seen them all?
Spotter: Well I've seen one. Well a little one... a picture of a... I've heard about them.
Interviewer: Well, now tell me, what do you do when you spot a camel?
Spotter: Er, I take its number.
Interviewer: Camels don't have numbers.
Spotter: Ah, well you've got to know where to look. Er, they're on the side of the engine above the piston box.
Interviewer: What?
Spotter: Ah - of course you've
got to make sure it's not a dromedary. 'Cos if it's a dromedary it goes in the dromedary book.
Interviewer: Well how do you tell if it's a dromedary?
Spotter: Ah well, a dromedary has one hump and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector.
Interviewer: Mr Sopwith, aren't you in fact a train Spotter?
Spotter: What?
Interviewer: Don't you in fact spot trains?
Spotter: Oh, you're no fun anymore.
(ANIMATION: Then a girl in bed. Count Dracula enters. The girl reveals her neck. The vampire goes to kiss her but his fangs fall out.)
Girl: Oh, you're no funn anymore.
(A man at the yardarm being lashed.)
Lasher:... thirty-nine... forty. All right, cut him down, Mr Fuller.
Lashee: Oh you're no fun anymore.
(Back to camel spotter.)
Spotter: Now if anybody else pinches my phrase I'll throw them under a camel.
Interviewer: (giggling) If you can spot one.
(Spotter gives him a dirty look. Knight in amour appears beside him. He hits interviewer with chicken.)
* * *
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The Audit / You're No Fun (again)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 7
* * *
The cast:
ACCOUNTANT
Michael Palin
CHAIRMAN
Graham Chapman
BOARD MEMBER
John Cleese
BISHOP
Terry Jones
CAMEL SPOTTER
Eric Idle
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
JEWISH FIGURE
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(A small board meeting. An Accountant stands up and reads...)
Accountant: Lady Chairman, sir, shareholders, ladies and gentlemen. I have great pleasure in announcing that owing to a cutback on surplus expenditure of twelve million Canadian dollars, plus a refund of seven and a half million Deutschmarks from the Swiss branch, and in addition adding the debenture preference stock of the three and three quarter million to the directors' reserve currency account of seven and a half million, plus an upward expenditure margin of eleven and a half thousand lira, due to a rise in capital investment of ten million pounds, this firm last year made a complete profit of a shilling.
Chairman: A shilling Wilkins?
Accountant: Er, roughly, yes sir.
Chairman: Wilkins, I am the Chairman of a multi-million pound corporation and you are a very new chartered Accountant. Isn't it possible there may have been some mistake?
Accountant: Well that's very kind of you sir, but I don't think I'm ready to be Chairman yet.
Board Member: Wilkins, Wilkins. This shilling, is it net or gross?
Accountant: It's British sir.
Chairman: Yes, has tax been paid on it?
Accountant: Yes, this is after tax. Owing to the rigorous bite of the income tax five pence of a further sixpence was swallowed up in tax.
Board Member: Five pence of a further sixpence?
Accountant: (eagerly) Yes sir.
Chairman: Five pence of a further sixpence?
Accountant: That's right sir.
Chairman: Then where is the other penny?
Accountant: ... Er.
Board Member: That makes you a penny short Wilkins. Where is it?
Accountant: ... Erm.
Chairman: Wilkins?
Accountant: (in tears) I embezzled it sir.
Chairman: What all of it?
Accountant: Yes all of it.
Board Member: You naughty person.
Accountant: It's my first. Please be gentle with me.
Chairman: I'm afraid it's my unpleasant duty to inform you that you're fired.
Accountant: Oh please, please.
Chairman: No, out!
Accountant: (crying) Oh ... (he leaves)
Chairman: Yes, there's no place for sentiment in big business.
(He goes over to a wall plaque 'There is no place for sentiment in Big Business'. He turns it over. On the back it says 'He's right you know'.)
Bishop: (to Chairman) Oh you're no fun anymore.
(Camel Spotting man comes running in shouting.)
Spotter: I heard that. Who said that?
All: (pointing at the bishop) He did! He did!
Bishop: No I didn't.
All: Ooh!
Spotter: Right!
(Shot of the bishop bound and gagged and tied across a railway line.)
Voice Over: Here is the address to complain to ...
(Caption on screen : 'MR ALBERT SPIM, I,OOO,OO8 LONDON ROAD, OXFORD' But he reads:)
Voice Over: The Royal Frog Trampling Institute, 16 Rayners Lane, London, W.C. Fields. I'll just repeat that...
(Caption on screen : 'FLIGHT LT. & PREBENDARY ETHEL MORRIS, THE DIMPLES, THAXTED, NR BUENOS AIRES' He reads over it:)
Voice Over: Tristram and Isolde Phillips, 7.30 Covent Garden Saturday (near Sunday) and afterwards at the Jingo Jones Fish Emporium.
(Cut to Jewish figure.)
Jewish Figure: And they want to put the licence fee up?
* * *
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Science Fiction Sketch
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 7
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
REDCOAT
Michael Palin
AMERICAN VOICE
John Cleese
MAN
Graham Chapman
WOMAN
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(We see a photo of a man with pipe.)
Voice Over: And now here is a reminder about leaving your radio on during the night. Leave your radio on during the night.
(Cut to redcoat.)
Redcoat: A little joke, a little jest. Nothing to worry about ladies and gentlemen. Now we've got some science fiction for you, some sci-fi, something to send the shivers up your spine, send the creepy crawlies down your lager and limes. All the lads have contributed to it, it's a little number entitled, Science Fiction Sketch...
(Zoom through the galaxy to the solar system.)
American Voice: (very resonant) The Universe consists of a billion, billion galaxies... 77,000,000,000 miles across, and every galaxy is made up of a billion, zillion stars and around these stars circle a billion planets, and of all of these planets the greenest and the pleasantest is the planet Earth, in the system of Sol, in the Galaxy known as the Milky Way ... And it was to this world that creatures of an alien planet came ... to conquer and destroy the very heart of civilization...
(Mix into close-up of radway station sign: 'New Pudsey'. Pull out to mid-shot of a couple walking towards camera. They are middle-aged. He wears a cricket blazer and grey flannels and a carrier bag. She wears a fussy print dress.)
American Voice: (gently) It was a day like any other and Mr and Mrs Samuel Brainsample were a perfectly ordinary couple, leading perfectly ordinary lives - the sort of people to whom nothing extraordinary ever happened, and not the kind of people to be the centre of one of the most astounding incidents in the history of mankind ... So let's forget about them and follow instead the destiny of this man ... (camera pans off them; they both look disappointed; camera picks up instead a swan little business man, in bowler, briefcase and pinstripes) ... Harold Potter, gardener, and tax official, first victim of Creatures from another Planet.
(Weird electronic music. Sinister atmosphere. Follow him out of station. Cut-away to flying saucer, over day skyline. Back to Potter as he walks up suburban road. Back to flying saucer. It bleeps as if it has seen its prey and changes direction. Cut back to Potter just about to open his front gate. Shot from over the other side of the road. Cut to flying saucer sending down ray. Potter freezes . . . shivers and turns in
to a Scotsman with kilt, and red beard. His hand jerks out in front of him and he spins round and scuttles up road in fast motion, to the accompaniment of bagpipe music. Cut to close-up of newspaper with banner headline: 'Man turns into a Scotsman'.)
* * *
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Man turns into a Scotsman /
Police Station
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 7
* * *
The cast:
WIFE
Eric Idle
INSPECTOR
Terry Jones
SHE
Donna
CHARLES
Graham Chapman
AMERICAN VOICE
John Cleese
MRS. PODGORNY
Terry Jones
ANGUS PODGORNY
Michael Palin
SERGEANT
John Cleese
GIRL
Eric Idle
POLICEMAN
Graham Chapman
DETECTIVE
Eric Idle
NORMAN HACKFORTH
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
Please note that this sketch contains numerous references to things that happened in the Science Fiction Sketch
Sketch
Newsvendor's Voice: Read all about it! Read all about it! Man turns into Scotsman!
(Mix through to Potter's front gate. His with is being interviewed by obvious plainclothes man.)
Inspector: Mrs Potter - you knew Harold Potter quite well I believe?
Wife: Oh yes quite well.
Inspector: Yes.
Wife: He was my husband.
Inspector: Yes. And, er, he never showed any inclination towards being a Scotsman before this happened?
