by Monty Python
Compère: That is Tiddles, I believe?
Man: Yes, this is, this is Tiddles.
Compère: Yes, and what does she do?
Man: She flies across the studio and lands in a bucket of water.
Compère: By herself?
Man: No, I fling her,
Compère: Well that's extremely interesting, Ladies and gentlemen - Mr Don Savage and Tidclles.
(Man whirls the cat round and round He lets go and it flies across studio. A hollow splash and a meow. Quick shot of a real cat sitting in a bucket.)
Dove: (shouting) I'm more interesting than a wet pussycat.
Walters: ... for hour after hour... (we see only his empty chair)
Compère: Yes, great, well now for the first lime on television 'Interesting People' brings you a man who claims he can send bricks to sleep by hypnosis. Mr Keith Maniac from Guatemala.
(Maniac is sitting by compère. He wears a top hat and an opera cloak.)
Maniac: Good evening.
Compère: Keith, you claim you can send bricks to sleep.
Maniac: Yes, that is correct, I can...
Compère: Entirely by hypnosis.
Maniac: Yes ... I use no artificial means, whatsoever. (leans and picks matchbox off desk to light pipe, opens it and stn'kes match)
Voice: (from matchbox) Aaagh!
Dove: You've injured Mr Stools!
Maniac: (picks up other box and lights pipe) I simply stare at the brick and it goes to sleep.
Compère: Well, we have a brick here, Keith. (indicates brick on desk) Perhaps you can send it to sleep for us...
Maniac: Oh ... Ah, well, I am afraid that is already asleep.
Compère: How do you know?
Maniac: Well, it's not moving ....
Compère: Oh, I see - have we got a moving brick? Yes, we've got a moving brick, Keith, it's coming over now.
(We see a man in a white coat preparing to throw brick. He throws it gently. It lands on the desk in front of Keith. Keith stares at it as it falls.)
Maniac: There we are, fast asleep.
Compère: Very good, very good indeed.
Maniac: All done with the eyes.
Compère: Yes, Mr Keith Maniac from Guatemala.
Dove: (distressed - to matchbox) Mr Stools - speak to me, Howard.
(Quick cut back to all-in cricket.)
Compère: Mr Keith Maniac of Guatemala... and now four tired undertakers.
(Cut to film of four undertakers struggling up a hill carrying a coffin. One staggers and drops. The others lower the coffin, pick him up, and place him inside. Raising the coffin again they stagger off up the hill. Another undertaker collapses; the remaining two place him in the coffin. Exhaustedly they pick up the coffin, but have only gone two or three paces when one of them collapses. The remaining one drags him into the coffin, pushing him in with some difficulty, and forces the lid shut. He debates with himself for a moment on how to pick up the coffin, then disgustedly throws away his hat and climbs into the coffin, shutting the lid behind him. The coffin moves off by itself.)
Voice Over: We interrupt this very quickly to take you back to the Jimmy Buzzard interview, where we understand something exciting's just happened.
(Cut back to the interview studio; Jimmy Buzzard is sitting on the floor.)
Buzzard: I've fallen off my chair, Brian.
(Cut to a graveyard. The coffin, still moving of its own volition, enters the graveyard. A vicar walks up and motions gravediggers (who we cannot see) to get out of the grave. Out of the grave climb two gravediggers. . . then two more... then two more... yet another two... two miners ... two uniformed men... a police dog with handler... and finally an Australian surfboarder. The coffin makes its way into the grave. Then a wonderful piece of animation by the amazing animator Terry Gilliam, wonderboy. Consisting of a very fast collage of extremely sexy stills of half-dressed and naked girls.)
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Eighteenth Century Social Legislation /
The Battle of Trafalgar
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 11
* * *
The cast:
GIRL
Carol Cleveland
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
PROFESSOR
Michael Palin
MAN
Terry Jones
CANNING
Graham Chapman
FIRST GUMBY
Michael Palin
SECOND GUMBY
Eric Idle
THIRD GUMBY
Graham Chapman
FOURTH GUMBY
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Sketch starts with music, after eight seconds of which a caption appears on the screen: 'THE WORLD OF HISTORY' followed by another caption: 'SOCIAL LEGISLATION IN THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY')
(Cut to fantastically alluring boudoir: a plush four poster bed with silk drapes, silk sheets, a fur pillow etc. We look down on it from above. Stretched out on the bed is a girl oozing with sex... a real professional... black net stocking, suspenders, bra and panties or what have you. She moves as if in the throes of orgasm as she mimes to a very masculine voice off to a superimposed caption on the screen: 'J. P. TAYLOR')
Voice Over: (very masculine voice to which girl mimes) Good evening. Tonight I want to examine the whole question of eighteenth-century social legislation - its relevance to the hierarchical structure of post-Renaissance society, and its impact on the future of parochial organization in an expanding agrarian economy. But first a bit of fun.
(Cut to film of eight-second striptease. Cut immediately back to the same set.)
Voice Over: To put England's social legislation in a European context is Professor Gert Van Der Whoops of the Rijksmuseum in the Hague.
(Cut to another bed, equally seductive. A little bespectcled professor is lying on it being caressed and undressed by an amorous siren.)
Professor: (German accent) In Holland in the early pan of the fifteenth century there was three things important to social legislation. One ... rise of merchant classes ... two, urbanization of craft guilds... three, declining moral values in age of increasing social betterment. But first, a bit of fun ... (grabs girl)
(A curtain and potted palms. Sound effects: angel choirs. A man in dinner jacket with angel's wings on is lowered from above. As he touches the ground the angel choirs fade out. He gets a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket.)
Man: And now Professor R.J. Canning.
(He holds up the paper and puts it away. The angel choirs start again and he slowly rises up and out of frame. Cut to Professor Canning in straight presentation-type set with BP screen behind him. Followed by a caption on the screen : 'PROFESSOR R. J. CANNING AGAIN')
Canning: The cat sat on the mat. And now the Battle of Trafalgar... (on the screen behind him a contemporary picture of the Battle of Trafalgar flashes up) Tonight we examine popular views of this great battle. Was the Battle of Trafalgar fought in the Atlantic off southern Spain? Or was it fought on dry land near Cudworth in Yorkshire? Here is one man who thinks it was...
Cut to a man - a Gumby - with gum boots on, rolled up trousers, knotted handkerchief etc., looking very thick and standing in the middle of a field.)
Canning: (voice over) And here is his friend.
(Camera pans lightly losing Gumby but revealing identically dressed thick man standing next to him. The camera pans back to original Gumby. This is followed by a caption on the screen: 'PROFESSOR R. J. GUMBY')
Canning: (voice over) What makes you think the Battle of Trafalgar was fought near Cudworth? (There is a long pause.)
First Gumby: Because ... Drake ... was ... too ... clever for... the German ... fleet.
Canning: (voice over) I beg your pardon?
Gumby: ... Oh I've forgotten what I said now.
Canning: (voice over) Mr Gumby's remarkable views have sparked off a wave of controversy amon
gst his fellow historians.
(Cut to identical Gumby figure in book lined study. He stands followed by a caption on the screen: 'F. H. GUMBY. REGIUS PROFESSOR OF HISTORY AT HIS MOTHER'S')
Second Gumby: Well I fink ... we ... should ... reappraise ... our concept of the ... Battle of Trafalgar.
(Cut to another Gumby, this time outside a university. A superimposed caption flashes on screen: 'PROF. L. R. GUMBY')
Third Gumby: Well... well... I agree with everything Mr Gumby says.
(Cut to yet another Gumby. This time standing in a pig-sty with some pigs. We seen another caption : 'PROF. ENID GUMBY')
Fourth Gumby: Well, I think cement is more interesting than people think.
(Original sexy girl in seductive boudoir as she mimes to masculine voice over while a superimposed caption appears on the screen as before: 'A. J. P. TAYLOR')
Voice Over: One subject... four different views ... (brandishing an egg-whisk) twelve and six... in a plain wrapper.
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Batley Townswomans Guild presents the Battle of Pearl Harbour / Undertakers Film
* * *
About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 11, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'.
* * *
The cast:
CANNING
Graham Chapman
RITA FAIRBANKS
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
Canning: The stuff of history is indeed woven in the woof. Pearl Harbour. There are pages in history's book which are written on the grand scale. Events so momentous that they dwarf man and time alike. And such is the Battle of Pearl Harbour, re-enacted for us now by the women of Barley Townswomen's Guild.
(Cut to a muddy comer of afield. Miss Rita Fairbanks stands talking straight to camera. Behind her lurk fiive more pepperpots.)
Canning: (voice over) Miss Rita Fairbanks - you organized this reconstruction of the Battle of Pearl Harbour - why?
Rita: Well we've always been extremely interested in modern drama ... we were of course the first Townswomen's Guild to perform 'Camp On Blood Island', and last year we did our extremely popular re-enactment of 'Nazi War Atrocities'. So this year we thought we would like to do something in a lighter vein...
Canning: So you chose the Battle of Pearl Harbour?
Rita: Yes, that's right, we did.
Canning: Well I can see you're all ready to go. So I'll just wish you good luck in your latest venture.
Rita: Thank you very much, young man.
(She retreats, and joins the other ladies who meanwhile separate into two opposing sides facing each other.)
Canning: (reverential voice over) Ladies and gentlemen, the World of History is. proud to present the premiere of the Batley Townswomen's Guild's re-enactment of 'The Battle of Pearl Harbour'.
(A whistle blows and the two sides set about each other with handbags etc., speeded up 50% just to give it a bit of edge. Cut to Canning in studio.)
Canning: The Battle of Pearl Harbour. Incidentally, I'm sorry if I got a little bit shirty earlier on in the programme, when I kept getting interrupted by all these films and things that kept coming in, but I.,.
(Cut to vicar in a graveyard He sprinkles dirt and gets mud thrown in his face. Vicar shoots a gun. Cut to undertakers leaving graveyard. They get into a hearse. As they leave it and drive off we see the other side is painted with psychedelic flowers. Cut to Canning.)
Canning: So I said if it happened again I'd get very angry and talk to Lord Hill and...
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People Falling from Buildings
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12
* * *
About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'.
* * *
The cast:
FIRST MAN
Eric Idle
SECOND MAN
John Cleese
VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Two people seated opposite each other at a desk. Between them there is a large window. It appears that they are quite high up in a large office building. Every so often a body falls past the window. They are both working busily. After a pause a body drops past the window. First Man talks. Second Man hasn't noticed.)
First Man: Hey, did you see that?
Second Man: Uhm?
First Man: Did you see somebody go past the window?
Second Man: What?
First Man: Somebody just went past the window. That way. (indicates down)
Second Man: (flatly) Oh. Oh.
(Second Man returns to his work. First Man looks for a little. As he starts to work again another body goes hunling past the window.)
First Man: Another one.
Second Man: Huh?
First Man: Another one just went past downwards.
Second Man: What?
First Man: Two people have just fallen out of that window to their almost certain death.
Second Man: Fine, fine. Fine.
First Man: Look! Two people (another falls) three people have just fallen past that window.
Second Man: Must be a board meeting.
First Man: Oh yeah. (another falls past) Hey. That was Wilkins of finance.
Second Man: Oh, no, that was Robertson.
First Man: Wilkins.
Second Man: Robertson.
First Man: Wilkins.
Second Man: Robertson.
(Another falls.)
First Man: That was Wilkins.
Second Man: That was Wilkins. He was a good, good, er, golfer, Wilkins.
First Man: Very good golfer. Very good golfer. Rotten at finance. It'll be Parkinson next.
Second Man: Bet you it won't.
First Man: How much.
Second Man: What?
First Man: How much do you bet it won't? Fiver?
Second Man: All right.
First Man: Done.
Second Man: You're on.
First Man: Fine. (shakes; they look at the window) Come on Parky.
Second Man: Don't do it Parky.
First Man: Come on Parky. Jump Parky. Jump.
Second Man: Come on now be sensible Parky.
(Cut to letter.)
Voice Over: Dear Sir, I am writing to complain about that sketch about people failing out of a high building. I have worked all my life in such a building and have never once.
(Cut to film of man falling out of window. Cut back to set. First Man has hands in the air jubilantly.)
First Man: Parkinson!
Second Man: Johnson!
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'Spectrum' - talking about things
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12
* * *
The cast:
PRESENTER
Michael Palin
HARDACRE
Graham Chapman
PROFESSOR
John Cleese
CRICKETER
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Superimposed caption on screen: 'SPECTRUM')
Presenter: Good evening. Tonight 'Spectrum' looks at one of the major problems in the world today - that old vexed question of what is going on. Is there still time to confront it, let alone solve it, or is it too late? What are the figures, what are the facts, what do people mean when they talk about things? Alexander Hardacre of the Economic Affairs Bureau.
(Cut to equally intense pundit in front of a graph with three different coloured columns with percentages at the top. He talks with great authority)
Hardacre: In this graph, this column
represents 23% of the population. This column represents 28% of the population, and this column represents 43% of the population.
(Cut back to presenter.)
Presenter: Telling figures indeed, but what do they mean to you, what do they mean to me, what do they mean to the average man in the street? With me now is Professor Tiddles of Leeds University...
(Pull out to reveal bearded professor sitting next to presenter.)
Presenter: ... Professor, you've spent many years researching into things, what do you think?
Professor: I think it's too early to tell.
(Cut to presenter, he talks even faster now.)
Presenter: 'Too early to tell' ... too early to say... it means the same thing. The word 'say' is the same as the word 'tell'. They're not spelt the same, but they mean the same. It's an identical situation, we have with 'ship' and 'boat' (holds up signs saying 'ship' and 'boat') but not the same as we have with 'bow' and 'bough' (holds up signs), they're spelt differently, mean different things but sound the same. (he holds up signs saying 'so there') But the real question remains. What is the solution, if any, to this problem? What can we do? What am I saying? Why am I sitting in this chair? Why am I on this programme? And what am I going to say next? Here to answer this is a professional cricketer.
(Cut to cricketer.)
Cricketer: (ERIC) I can say nothing at this point.
(Cut back to presenter.)
Presenter: Well, you were wrong... Professor?
(Pull out to reveal professor still next to him.)
Professor: Hello.
(Cut to close-up of presenter.)
Presenter: Hello. So... where do we stand? Where do we stand? Where do we sit? Where do we come? Where do we go? What do we do? What do we say? What do we eat? What do we drink? What do we think? What do we do?
