by Monty Python
(JARRING CHORD - Zoom into Fang's horrified face)
Fang: (terrified) The...Comfy Chair?
(Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)
Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!
(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)
Ximinez: (with a cruel leer) Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. (aside, to Biggles) Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!
* * *
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Court Scene (Charades)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 15
(Including the Spanish Inquisition)
* * *
The cast:
JUDGE
Graham Chapman
FOREMAN
Michael Palin
COUNSEL
John Cleese
CLERK
Eric Idle
JUDGE KILBRAKEN
Terry Jones
CARDINAL XIMINEZ
Michael Palin
CARDINAL BIGGLES
Terry Jones
CARDINAL FANG
Terry Gillam
* * *
The sketch:
(Scene opens in a courtroom: Usual set up with a judge, clerk of the court and defence counsel sitting in the well of the court. The defendant is in the witness box. Superimposed caption on screen : 'CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT')
Judge: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
Foreman: (MICHAEL) We have m'lud.
Judge: And how do you find the defendant? (the foreman puts his hand out with two fingers extended) Two words. (the foreman nods and holds up one finger) First word. (the foreman mimes taking a piece of string and tying it in knot) Rope? String?
(The foreman shakes his head and points to the knot.)
Counsel: Point?
Clerk: Belt?
Judge: Tie?
(The foreman nods and points to the knot.)
Counsel: Cravat? Silk square?
Clerk: Knot?
(The foreman nods enthusiastically.)
All: Knot!
(The foreman gives a thumbs up and points to his second finger.)
Judge: Second word. (foreman indicates two syllables) Two syllables. (the foreman points to his first finger) First syllable. (the foreman starts to mime a fish while pointing at his throat) Bird?
Clerk: Swimmer?
Judge: Breast stroke.
Counsel: Brian Phelps.
Judge: No, no, no, he was a diver.
Clerk: Esther Williams then.
Judge: No, no, don't be silly. How can you find someone 'Not Esther Williams'.
Counsel: Fish. (the foreman nods and points at throat) Fish wheeze. Fish wheeze?
Judge: Fish breathe.
Counsel: Fish breathe, throat.
Judge: Fish breathe, throat? GILL! (the foreman gives a thumbs up and the court applauds excitedly) Not gill. (the foreman mimes the second syllable) Second syllable. Not gill.
(Foreman mimes drinking a cup of tea.)
Counsel: Drink.
Clerk: Sip? Imbibe?
(The foreman points to the mimed cup itself.)
Judge: Not gill ... cup? Not gillcup! (the foreman looks disappointed) You have been found not gillcup of the charges made against you and may leave this court a free man. Right. My turn. (the defendant leaves.)
(The judge holds up four fingers.)
Counsel: Four words.
(The judge mimes shouting for the first word.)
Foreman: First word shout?
Counsel: Bellow?
Clerk: Call?
All: Call!
(The judge gives a thumbs up and indicates that the second word is very small.)
Counsel: Second word is very small.
Foreman: A?
Counsel: An?
Clerk: Up?
Foreman: The?
(The judge gives a thumbs up.)
All: The!
Clerk: Call the, third word:
(The judge points to his neck.)
Counsel: Gill?
Member of Jury: Fish?
Clerk: Adam's apple. (the judge shakes his head) Neck. (the judge mime 'sounds like) Sounds like neck?
Second Counsel: Next.
Foreman: Call the ... next!
(The judge gives a thumbs up and indicates that the fourth word is three Syllables. First syllable: he mimes deafness.)
Clerk: Fourth word, three syllables. First syllable ... ear?
Counsel: Hear. Can't hear.
Clerk: Deaf!! Call the next def-.
(The judge leaps onto the desk and points at his own bottom.)
Counsel: Bottom.
Clerk: Seat? Trouser? Cheek?
Foreman: End! Call the next defend-.
(The judge leaps down, disappears under the desk and appears with an enormous model of an ant about four feet long.)
Whole Court: Ant!
Clerk: Call the next defendant! (the court applauds the judge who bows and sits; the whole mood changes) Call the next defendant. The Honourable Mr Justice Kilbraken. (a very elderly judge in full robes comes into the dock) If I may charge you m'lud, you are charged m'lud that on the fourteenth day of June 1970, at the Central Criminal Court, you did commit acts likely to cause a breach of the peace. How plead you m'lud, guilty or not guilty?
Judge Kilbraken: Not guilty. Case not proven. Court adjourned.
(He hits the dock. Everyone gets up and starts walking out talking to each other.)
Judge: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. (they all stop, go back and sit down again) No, you're in the dock, m'lud.
Judge Kilbraken: I'm a judge, m'lud.
Judge: So am I, m'lud, so watch it.
Judge Kilbraken: Hah! Call this a court.
All: Call this a 'court. Call this a court..Call this a court.
Judge: Shut up. Right now get on with the spiel.
Counsel: M'lud, and my other lud, the prosecution will endeavour to show m'lud, that m'lud - ah, not you m'lud, that m'lud, m'lud, while passing sentence at the Central Criminal Court blotted his copy book. Call exhibit Q.
Judge: Q:?
Counsel: Sorry did I say Q:? I meant A. Sorry, call exhibit A. Clerk Call exhibit A.
(Two court ushers carry in a thing with a sheet over it. They pull off the sheet to reveal a very sexy girl in a provocative pose.)
Counsel: Exhibit A m'lud, Miss Rita Thang, an artist's model, Swedish accordion teacher and cane-chair sales lady, was found guilty under the Rude Behaviour Act in the accused's court. The accused, m'iud, sentenced her 'to be taken from this place and brought round to his place'.
Other Counsel: Objection, m'lud.
Judge Kilbraken: Objection sustained.
Judge: You shut up! Objection overruled.
Counsel: The accused then commented on Miss Thang's bodily structure, made several not-at-all legal remarks on the subject of fun and then placed his robes over his head and began to emit low moans.
Judge: Have you anything to say in your defence?
Judge Kilbraken: I haven't had any for weeks.
Judge: Oh no? What about that little number you've got tucked away in Belsize Park?
Judge Kilbraken: Oh, I never!
Judge: Oh no. Ho! Ho! Ho!
Judge Kilbraken: All right then what about 8a Woodford Square?
Judge: You say anything about that and I'll do you for treason.
Counsel: M'lud if we could continue ...
Judge Kilbraken: He's got a Chinese bit there.
Judge: No, that's contempt of court.
Judge Kilbraken: It was only a jok
e.
Judge: Contempt of court. However, I'm not going to punish you, because we're so short of judges at the moment, what with all of them emigrating to South Africa. I'm going tomorrow; I've got my ticket. Get out there and get some decent sentencing done. Ooh, England makes you sick. Best I can manage here is life imprisonment. It's hardly worth coming in in the morning. Now, South Africa? You've got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a week, you've got cheap drinks, slave labour and a booming stock market. I'm off, I tell you. Yes, I'm up to here with probation and bleeding psychiatric reports. That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right. Well I'm going to have one final fling before I leave, so I sentence you to be burnt at the stake.
Judge Kilbraken: Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
(Court reacts expectantly. Cut to suburban house. The three members of the Spanish Inquisition suddenly belt out of the door and down the path. Dick Barton music. Cut to them leaping onto a bus.)
Ximinez: Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.
(Credits start superimposed.)
Biggles: Look they've started the credits.
Ximinez: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Biggles: Come on hurry. Hurryl
(We see shots of them coming through London.)
Ximinez: There's the lighting credit, only five left. (more shots of the bus going through London; the credits reach the producer) Hell, it's the producer - quick!
(They leap off the bus into the Old Bailey. Cut to court room. They burst in.)
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish... ('The End' appears) Oh bugger!
* * *
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Tax on Thingy / Vox Pops
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 15
* * *
The cast:
POLITICIAN
John Cleese
FIRST OFFICIAL
Graham Chapman
SECOND OFFICIAL
Eric Idle
THIRD OFFICIAL
Terry Jones
GUMBY
John Cleese
MAN IN BOWLER HAT
Terry Jones
MAN IN SUIT
Eric Idle
'IT'S' MAN
Michael Palin
FIRST BUSINESS MAN
John Cleese
SECOND BUSINESS MAN
Michael Palin
MAN IN CAP
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Animation leads to an oak paneled, Civil Service committee room. A politician is addressing three officials.)
Politician: Gentlemen, our MP saw the PM this AM and the PM wants more LSD from the PIB by tomorrow AM or PM at the latest. I told the PM's PPS that AM was NBG so tomorrow PM it is for the PM it is nero. con. Give us a fag or I'll go spare. Now- the fiscal deficit with regard to the monetary balance, the current financial year excluding invisible exports, but adjusted of course for seasonal variations and the incremental statistics of the fiscal and revenue arrangements for the forthcoming annual budgetary period terminating in April.
First Official: I think he's talking about taxation.
Politician: Bravo, Madge. Well done. Taxation is indeed the very hub of my gist. Gentlemen, we have to find something new to tax.
Second Official: I understood that.
Third Official: If I might put my head on the chopping block so you can kick it around a bit, sir...
Politician: Yes?
Third Official: Well most things we do for pleasure nowadays are taxed, except one.
Politician: What do you mean?
Third Official: Well, er, smoking's been taxed, drinking's been taxed but not ... thingy.
Politician: Good Lord, you're not suggesting we should tax... thingy?
First Official: Poo poo's?
Third Official: No.
First Official: Thank God for that. Excuse me for a moment. (leaves)
Third Official: No, no, no - thingy.
Second Official: Number ones?
Third Official: No, thingy.
Politician: Thinby!
Second Official: Ah, thingy. Well it'll certainly make chartered accountancy a much more interesting job.
Cut to vox pops.
Gumby: (standing in water) I would put a tax on all people who stand in water ... (looks round him)... Oh!
Man In Bowler Hat: To boost the British economy I'd tax all foreigners living abroad.
Man In Suit: I would tax the nude in my bed. No - not tax. What is the word.~ Oh - welcome.
It's Man: I would tax Racquel Welch. I've a feeling she'd tax me.
First Business Man: Bring back hanging and go into rope.
Second Business Man: I would cut off the more disreputable parts of the body and use the space for playing fields,
Man In Cap: I would tax holiday snaps.
(Freeze frame.)
* * *
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The Semaphore version of 'Wuthering Heights'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 15
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
HEATHCLIFFE
Terry Jones
CATHERINE
Carol Cleveland
* * *
The sketch:
Voice Over : And now for the very first time on the silver screen comes the film from two books which once shocked a generation. From Emily Brontë's 'Wuthering Heights' and from the 'International Guide to Semaphore Code'. Twentieth Century Vole presents 'The Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights'.
(Caption on screen: 'THE SEMAPHORE VERSION OF WUTHERING HEIGHTS' Film: appropriate film music throughout. Heathcliffe in close-up profile, his hair is blowing in the wind, he looks intense. Cut to close-up Catherine also in profile, with hair streaming in wind. As if they are 1ooking into each other's eyes. Pull out to reveal, on very long zoom, that they are each on the top of separate small hills, in rolling countryside. Heathcliffe produces two semaphore flags from behind him, and waves them.)
SUBTITLE: 'OH! CATHERINE'
(Pan across to Catherine who also produces two flags and waves.)
SUBTITLE: 'OH! HEATHCLIFFE'
(Heathcliffe waves flags again.)
SUBTITLE: 'OH! OH! CATHERINE'
(With each cut they are further and further away from each other. Catherine waves flags again.)
SUBTITLE: 'OH! OH! HEATHCLIFFE'
Cut to her husband at front door of early Viaor'n manor house, looking stem. He waves two flags.
SUBTITLE: 'CATHERINE!'
(Cut back to Catherine on hilltop.)
SUBTITLE: 'HARK! I HEAR MY HUSBAND'
Cut to husband with two enormous flags.
SUBTITLE: 'CATHERINE!'
(Cut to interior of the early Victorian manor house. Close-up of a cradle. Suddenly two little semaphore flags pop up from inside the cradle and wave.)
SUBTITLE: 'WAAAAAGH! WAAAAAAGH!'
(Pull back to reveal a nurse who walks over to cradle and waves flag brtefiy.)
SUBTITLE: 'SSSH!'
(The nurse points across the room. Cut to shot of old man asleep in chair with head slumped Jbrward on his chest. He has two flags which he Waves.)
SUBTITLE: 'ZZZ . . . ZZZ . . .'
(Cut to front door again. Exterior. Husband is waiting. Catherine comes up the path towards him. As she approaches he flags.)
SUBTITLE: 'YOU'VE BEEN SEEING HEATHCLIFFE'
(Catherine waves frantically.)
SUBTITLE: 'YES! YES! I'VE BEEN SEEING HEATHCLIFFE, AND WHY NOT? HE'S THE ONLY MAN I EVER LOVED. HE'S FINE. HE'S STRONG. HE'S ALL THE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER BE, AND WHAT'S MORE . . .'
(Caption on screen: 'MONDAY FOR 7 DAYS' Stock film of a Roman chariot race.)
Voice Over: From the pulsating pages of history, from the dark and furious days of Imperial Rome we bring you a story that shattered the world! A tale so grippi
ng that they said it could not he filmed. A unique event in cinema history! Julius Caesar on an Aidis lamp!
(Superimposed caption on screen: 'JULIUS CAESAR ON AN ALDIS LAMP' Close-up of Caesar walking in Roman street. Soothsayer pushes his way up to him wild eyed and produces Aidis lamp and starts flashing:)
SUBTITLE: 'BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH'
(Some steps at the foot of a statue. Caesar is stabbed. As he falls he brings out a really big Aldis lamp and flashes to the assassins around him.)
SUBTITLE: 'ET TU BRUTE'
(A Western street. Two cowboys facing each other with morse buzzers.)
Voice Over: From the makers of 'Gunfight at the OK Corral in Morse Code'.
(Superimposed caption on screen: 'GUNFIGHT AT THE OK CORRAL IN MORSE CODE' They buzz a bit.)
SUBTITLE: 'AAAAHHHI'
(Cut to a ,Red Indian making smoke signals.)
Voice Over: And the smoke-signal version of 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes'l
(Superimposed caption on screen: 'AND THE SMOKE-SIGNAL VERSION OF GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES')
* * *
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A Bishop Rehearsing
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 16
* * *
The cast:
BISHOP
Michael Palin
MR. CHIGGER
Terry Jones
SECRETARY
Carol Cleveland
* * *
The sketch:
(Animated titles. Cut back to the same group of animals minus the elk. Bird song etc. The elk's remains are smoldering. The owl explodes, Pan away from the woodland clearing to an open field in which at a distance a bishop in full mitre and robes is pacing up and down holding a script. Mr Chigger in a suit approaches the bishop and we zoom in to hear their conversation.)
