Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 32
John Cleese
DOCTOR
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Camera pans away revealing a rather rocky highland landscape. As camera pans across country we hear inspiring Scottish music.)
Voice Over: From these glens and scars, the sound of the coot and the moorhen is seldom absent. Nature sits in stern mastery over these rocks and crags. The rush of the mountain stream, the bleat of the sheep, and the broad, clear Highland skies, reflected in turn and 1och ... (at this moment we pick up a highland gentleman in kilt and tam o'shanter clutching a knobkerry in one hand and a letter in the other)... form a breathtaking backdrop against which Ewan McTeagle: writes such poems as 'Lend us a quid till the end of the week'.
(Cut to crofter's cottage. McTeagle sits at the window writing. We zoom in very slowly on him us he writes.)
Voice Over: But it was with more simple, homespun verses that McTeagle's unique style first flowered.
McTeagle: (voice over) If you could see your way to lending me sixpence. I could at least buy a newspaper. That's not much to ask anyone.
Voice Over: One woman who remembers McTeagle as a young friend - Lassie O'Shen.
(Cut to Lassie O'Shen - a young sweet innocent Scots girl - she is valiantly trying to fend off the sexual advances of the sound man. Two other members of the crew pull him out of shot.)
Lassie: Mr MeTeagle wrote me two poems, between the months of January and April 1969...
Interviewer: Could you read us one?
Lassie: Och, I dinna like to... they were kinda personal... but I will.
(she has immediately a piece of paper in her hand from which she reads) 'To Ma Own beloved Lassie. A poem on her I7th Birthday. Lend us a couple of bob fill Thursday. I'm absolutely skint. But I'm expecting a postal order and I can pay you back as soon as it comes. Love Ewan.'
(There is a pause. She looks up.)
Sound Man: (voice over) Beautiful.
(Another pause. The soundman leaps on her and pulls her to the ground. Cut to abstract trendy arts poetry programme set. Intense critic sits on enormous inflatable see-through pouffe. Caption on screen: 'ST JOHN LIMBO -- POETRY EXPERT')
Limbo: (intensely) Since then, McTeagle has developed and widened his literary scope. Three years ago he concerned himself with quite small sums - quick bits of ready cash: sixpences, shillings, but more recently he has turned his extraordinary literary perception to much larger sums - fifteen shillings, £4. I2.6d ... even nine guineas ... But there is still nothing to match the huge sweep ... the majestic power of what is surely his greatest work: 'Can I have fifty pounds to mend the shed?'.
(Pan across studio to a stark poetry-reading set. A single light falls on an Ian McKellan figure in black leotard standing gazing dramatically into space. Camera crabs across studio until it is right underneath him. He speaks the lines with great intensity.)
Ian: Can I have £50 to mend the shed? I'm fight on my uppers. I can pay you back When this postal order comes from Australia. Honestly. Hope the bladder trouble's getting better. Love, Ewan.
(Cut to remote Scottish landscape, craggy and wind torn and desolate. In stark chiaroscuro against the sky we see McTeagle standing beside a 1onely pillar box, writing postcards. The sun setting behind him.)
Limbo: (voice over) There seems to be no end to McTeagle's poetic invention. 'My new cheque book hasn't arrived' was followed up by the brilliantly allegorical 'Whaes twenty quid to the bloody Midland Bank?' and more recently his prize winning poem to the Arts Council: 'Can you lend me one thousand quid?'
(Cut to David Mercer figure in his study at a desk. Cpation on screen: 'A VERY GOOD PLAYWRIGHT')
David: I think what McTcagle's pottery... er... poetry is doing is rejoining all the traditional cliches of modern pottery. No longer do we have to be content with Keats's 'Seasons of mists and mellow fruitfulness', Wordsworth's 'I wandered lonely as a cloud' and Milton's 'Can you lend us two bob till Tuesday'...
(Cut to long shot of McTeagle walking through countryside.)
McTeagle: (voice over) Oh give to me a shillin' for some fags and I'll pay yet back on Thursday, but if you wait till Saturday I'm expecting a divvy from the Harpenden Building Society... (continues muttering indistinctly)
(He walks out of shot past a glen containing several stuffed animals, one of which explodes. A highland spokesman stands up into shot. Superimposed caption on screen: 'A HIGHLAND SPOKESMAN')
Highlander: As a Highlander I would like to complain about some inaccuracies in the preceding film about the poet Ewan McTeagle. Although his name was quite clearly given as McTeagle, he was throughout wearing the Cameron tartan. Also I would like to point out that the BALPA spokesman who complained about aeronautical inaccuracies was himself wearing a captain's hat, whereas he only had lieutenant's stripes on the sleeves of his jacket. Also, in the Inverness pantomime last Christmas, the part of Puss in Boots was played by a native of New Guinea with a plate in her hp, so that every time Dick Whittington gave her a French kiss, he got the back of his throat scraped.
(A doctor's head appears out from under the kilt.)
Doctor: Look, would you mind going away, I'm trying to examine this man. (he goes back under the kilt; a slight pause; he re-emerges) It's - er - it's all right - I am a doctor. Actually, I'm a gynaecologist... but this is my lunch hour.
ANIMATION
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Psychiatrist Milkman
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 16
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The cast:
MILKMAN
Eric Idle
LADY
Graham Chapman
DOCTOR
Michael Palin
DR. CREAM
Terry Jones
BALPA MAN
Eric Idle
ANOTHER MAN
Michael Palin
MILKMAID
Carol Cleveland
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The sketch:
(Animation leads to a living room. Doorbell rings. Lady opens the door, a milkman stands there.)
Milkman: Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake baker's man. Good morning, madam, I'm a psychiatrist.
Lady: You look like a milkman to me.
Milkman: Good. (ticks form on his clipboard) I am in fact dressed as a milkman... you spotted that - well done.
Lady: Go away.
Milkman: Now then, madam. I'm going to show you three numbers, and I want you to tell me if you see any similarity between them. (holds up a card saying '3' three times)
Lady: They're all number three.
Milkman: No. Try again.
Lady: They're all number three?
Milkman: No. They're all number three. (he ticks his board again) Right. Now. I'm going to say a word, and I want you to say the first thing that comes into your head. How many pints do you want?
Lady: (narrowing her eyes, suspecting a trap) Er, three?
Milkman: Yogurt?
Lady: Er... no.
Milkman: Cream?
Lady: No.
Milkman: Eggs?
Lady: No.
Milkman: (does some adding up and whistling) Right. Well, you're quite clearly suffering from a repressive libido complex, probably the product of an unhappy childhood, coupled with acute insecurity in adolescence, which has resulted in an attenuation of the libido complex.
Lady: You are a bloody milkman.
Milkman: Don't you shout at me, madam, don't come that tone. Now then, I must ask you to accompany me down to the dairy and do some aptitude tests.
Lady: I've got better things to do than come down to the dairy!
Milkman: Mrs Ratbag, if you don't mind me saying so, you are badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now I'm not going to say a trip to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh.
Lady: All right... but how am I going to get home?
Milkm
an: I'll. run you there and back on my psychiatrist's float.
Lady: All right.
(The milkman and lady walk down her garden path. As they go out of the garden gate there h a cat on the garden wall. Caption on screen and arrow: 'A CAT' The cat explodes. The milkman motions her towards the milk float with a large signboard which reads: 'Psychiatrist3 Dairy Lid'. Just as they are getting in, she points to all the files in the back in milk crates.)
Lady: What are those?
Milkman: They're case histories. (drives off; the van 3 speaker announces: 'Psychiatrists! Psychiatrists!' The doctor from the Scots sketch hails him) Yes, sir?
Doctor: Ah, good morning. I'm afraid our regular psychiatrist hasn't come round this morning ... and I've got an ego block which is in turn making my wife ever-assertive and getting us both into a state of depressive neurosis.
Milkman: Oh, I see, sir. Who's your regular, sir?
Doctor: Jersey Cream Psychiatrists.
Milkman: Oh yes, I know them. (puts down crate and gets out note pad) Right, well, er, what's your job, then?
Doctor: I'm a doctor.
Milkman: ... Didn't I see you just now under a Scotsman? .
Doctor: Yes, but I am a doctor. Actually, I'm a gynaecologist but that was my lunchhour.
Milkman: (taking a card out of crate and showing it to the doctor) What does this remind you of?.
Doctor: Two pints of cream.
Milkman: Right... well I should definitely say you're suffering from a severe personality disorder, sir, sublimating itself in a lactic obsession which could get worse depending on how much money you've got.
Doctor: Yes, yes, I see. And a pot of yogurt, please.
(Cut to a psychiatrist called Dr Cream in his office.)
Dr Cream: I would like to take this opportunity of complaining about the way in which these shows are continually portraying psychiatrists who make pat diagnoses of patients' problems without first obtaining their full medical history.
(Cut back to milkman with doctor.)
Milkman: (handing over yogurt) Mind you, that's just a pat diagnosis made without first obtaining your full medical history.
(Cut to man at desk)
Man: I feel the time has come to complain about people who make rash complaints without first making sure that those complaints are justified.
(Cut to Dr Cream.)
Dr Cream: Are you referring to me?
(Cut back to man.)
Man: Not necessarily, however, I would like to point out that the BALPA spokesman was wearing the British Psychiatric Association Dinner Dance Club cuff-links.
(Cut to Dr Cream.)
Dr Cream: Oh yes, I noticed that too.
(Cut to BALPA man.)
BALPA Man: These are not British Psychiatric Association Dinner Dance Club cuff-links.
(Cut to man.)
Man: Sorry.
(Cut to BALPA man.)
BALPA Man: They are in fact British Sugar Corporation Gilbert-and-Sullivan Society cuff-links. It is in fact a sort of in-joke with us lads here at BALPA. I think the last speaker should have checked his facts before making his own rash complaint.
(Cut to Dr Cream.)
Dr Cream: Yes, that'll teach him.
(Cut to BALPA man.)
BALPA Man: However, I would just like to add a complaint about shows that have too many complaints in them as they get very tedious for the average viewer. (Cut to another man.)
Another man: I'd like to complain about people who hold things up by complaining about people complaining. It's about time something was done about it. (the sixteen-ton weight falls on him)
(Cut to a street with milkman and lady riding on milk float. It comes to a halt. They get out, milkman hails a milkmaid with yoke and two pails.)
Milkman: Nurse! Would you take Mrs Pim to see Dr Cream, please.
Milkmaid: Certainly, doctor. Walk this way, please.
Lady: Oh, if I could walk that way I...
Milkman and Milkmaid: Sssssh!
(The milkmaid leads Mrs Pim into a building, and into a psychiatrist's office. Dr Cream is in a chair.)
Milkmaid: Mrs Pim to see you, Dr Cream.
Dr Cream: Ah yes. I just want another five minutes with Audrey. Could you show Mrs Pim into the waiting room, please.
Milkmaid: Yes, doctor.
(As milkmaid and Mrs Pim leave the room we see that there is a cow on the couch.)
Dr Cream: Right, Audrey. When did you first start thinking you were a 'cow?
(Milkmaid and Mrs Pim emerge bin building through a herd of cows and we then have a montage of shots of them walking through countryside as in opening sequence of fiying lesson sketch at beginning of show.
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Déjà Vu
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 16
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The cast:
BONIFACE
Michael Palin
MILKMAN
Eric Idle
DR. CREAM
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
(Caption on the screen: 'IT'S THE MIND -- A WEEKLY MAGAZINE OF THINGS PSYCHIATRIC' Cut to montage of photographs again with captions and music. Cut to a man sitting at usual desk. He is Mr Boniface.)
Boniface: Good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind', we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before, that what is happening now has already happened. Tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've ... (looks puzzled fir a moment) Anyway, tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange...
(Cut to opening title sequence with montage of psychiatric photos and the two captions and music over. Cut back to Mr Boniface at desk, shaken. Caption on screen: 'IT'S THE MIND')
Boniface: Good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we someti... mes get ... that ... we've lived through something...
(Cut to opening titles again. Back then to Boniface, now very shaken. Caption on screen: 'IT'S THE MIND')
Boniface: Good ... good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of dddddddddddéjà vvvvvvvvuu, that extraordinary feeling... quite extraordinary... (he tails off, goes quiet, the phone rings, he picks it up) No, fine thanks, fine. (he rings off, a man comes in on the right and hands him glass of water and leaves) Oh, thank you. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before. (phone rings again; he picks it up) No, fine thank you. Fine. (he rings off a man comes in from right and hands him a glass of water; he jumps) ... Thank you. That strange feeling ... (phone rings; he answers) No. Fine, thank you. Fine, (ring off; a man enters and gives him glass of water) thank you. (he screams with fear) Look, something's happening to me. I - I - urn, I think I'd better go and see someone. Goodnight.
(Phone rings again. He leaps from desk and runs out of shot. He runs out of building into street and chases after passing milk float and leaps aboard.)
Milkman: Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Boniface: No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me.
(Caption on the screen: 'IT'S THE MIND -- A WEEKLY MAGAZINE OF THINGS PSYCHIATRIC' Cut to montage of photographs again with captions and music. Cut to Boniface at desk. Boniface screams and runs out of shot. Cut to same piece of film as just previously, when he chases float, leaps on and the milkman says:)
Milkman: Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Boniface: No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me. The milk float goes past in the background with the milkman and Boniface on it. We see the float go along the country lane past the clearing, past the bishop...
Bishop: (camp) 'Oh, Mr Belpit, your legs are so swollen'.
(.. and the secretary at her desk, past a sign saying 'to the zoo' where explosions are h
eard, and stops outside Dr Cream's building... Boniface runs into building and enters Dr Cream's office.)
Dr Cream: Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?
Boniface: I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu.
((Repeat same clip from Boniface entering.)
Dr Cream: Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?
Boniface: I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu..
(Repeat clip again. Superimposed Credits)
Dr Cream: Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?
Boniface: I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu..
(Clip starts to repeat again as the programme ends.)
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The Architects Sketch
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About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 17, it was also performed on their Albums - Another Monty Python Record' and ''Monty Python's The Final Ripoff', however the Album version was slightly different.
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The cast:
ANNOUNCER
John Cleese
MR. TID
Graham Chapman
MR. WIGGIN
John Cleese
CITY GENT #1
Michael Palin
CITY GENT #2
Terry Jones
MR. LEAVEY
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
ANNOUNCER: The BBC would like to apologise for the next announcement.
GUMBYS: Hello, and welcome to the show. Without more ado, the first item is a sketch about architects called 'The Architects Sketch'. 'The Architects Sketch'. 'The Architects Sketch'! 'The Architects Sketch'! Up there! Up there! Up there! Up there! The architects!...