Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches

by Monty Python

  2nd Voice Over: You're a loony.

  1st Voice Over: I get so bored. I get so bloody bored.

  (ANIMATION: for a minute or two strange things happen on animation until suddenly we find ourselves into the animated title sequence. Cut to the announcer in a silly location, sitting at his desk as usual.)

  Announcer: You probably noticed that I didn't say 'and now for something completely different' just now. This is simply because I am unable to appear in the show this week. (looks closely at script, puzzled) Sorry to interrupt you.

  (Cut to a man holding his mouth open to show the camera his teeth.)

  Man: I'm terribly sorry to interrupt but my tooth's hurting, just around here.

  Voice: Get off.

  Man: Oh, sorry.

  (Cut to pompous moustached stockbroker type.)

  Nabarro: I'm not sorry to interrupt - I'll interrupt anything if it gets people looking in my direction - like at my old school where, by a coincidence, the annual prize giving is going on at this very moment.

  (There is a ripple effect, and a muted trumpet plays a corny segue sequence.)

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  School prize-giving

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 19

  * * *

  The cast:

  FIRST BISHOP

  Michael Palin

  SECOND BISHOP

  Eric Idle

  CHINAMAN

  Graham Chapman

  DETECTIVE

  Terry Jones

  SOLDIER

  John Cleese

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (We mix through to the trumpeter at a school prize giving. On the stage of the school hall there is a long table behind which are sitting several distinguished people. A bishop in a grey suit and purple stock and dog collar gets up.)

  1st Bishop: My Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress, it gives me very great pleasure to return to my old school, to present the prizes in this centenary year. This school takes very justifiable pride in its fine record of... aaaaagh! (Hands pull him down behind the table. Fighting, punching, struggle, grunts etc. No reaction at all from the distinguished guests. The bishop's head reappears for a moment. ) ... scholarship and sporting achievement in all... aaaagh!

  (He disappears again. More noises. Up comes another bishop dressed identically.)

  2nd Bishop: I'm, I'm afraid there's been a mistake. The man who has been speaking to you is an impostor. He is not in fact the 'Bishop of East Anglia, but a man wanted by the police. I am the Bishop of East Anglia and anyone who doesn't believe me can look me up in the book. Now then, the first prize is this beautiful silver cup, which has been won by me. (he puts the silver cup into a sack) Next we come to the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy for outstanding achievement in the field of Applied Mathematics. Well, there was no-one this year who reached the required standard so it goes in my sack. And by an old rule of the school all the other silver trophies also go in my sack ... aaagh!

  (He is dragged down by an unseen hand More sounds of fighting, noisier than before even. A Chinaman in Mao jacket and cap appears.)

  Chinaman: Velly solly for hold-up ... no ploblem now ... me are Bishop of East Anglia, now plesent plizes ... Eyes down for first plize ... The Fyffe-Chulmleigh Spoon for Latin Elegaics... 'goes to ... People's Republic of China! Aaaagh!

  (The Chinaman is dragged down beneath the table as were the others. Again sound of struggle, thumps etc. A plainclothes policeman stands up.)

  Detective: Good evening, everybody. My name's Bradshaw- Inspector Elizabeth Bradshaw, of the Special Branch Speech Day Squad, but I'd like you to think of me as the Bishop of East Anglia, and I'd like to present the first prize, the Grimwade Gynn Trophy to...

  (A shot. He leaps backwards. Sound of machine guns and exploding shells. Two men in amy uniform with camouflage sticking out of tin helmets rush up to the table and exchange fire. They have a huge bazooka which they fire from time to time.)

  Soldier: (appearing from beneath the table, shouting above the din of the battle) Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress, ladies, gentlemen and boys. Please do not panic. Please keep your heads right down now, and at the back please keep your heads right down. Do not panic, don't look round - this building is surrounded. There is nothing to worry about. I am the Bishop of East Anglia. Now the first prize is the Granville Cup for French Unseen Translation ... (explosion and smoke, debris over the stage) and it goes to Forbes Minor... Forbes Minor ... right, give him covering fire ... (explosion) Come on Forbes. Come on boy. Come and get it. Keep down. (a wretched schoolboy appears on the stage keeping his head down) Well done... (he manages to get the cup but as he stands to shake hands he is shot) Oh... bad luck! The next prize...

  (Mix through to a picture on a TV monitor and pull out from monitor to reveal a studio set as for a late-night discussion programme.)

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  'If' - a Film by Mr. Dibley /

  Rear Window - a Film by Mr Dibley /

  'Finian's Rainbow' (staring the man from the off-licence

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 19

  * * *

  The cast:

  INTERVIEWER

  Graham Chapman

  L.F. DIBLEY

  Terry Jones

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Mix through to a picture on a TV monitor and pull out from monitor to reveal a studio set as for a late-night discussion programme.)

  Interviewer: Mr L.F. Dibley's latest film 'if'. (he turns to Dibley) Mr Dibley, some people have drawn comparisons between your film, 'if', which ends with a gun battle at a public school, and Mr Lindsay Anderson's film, 'if', which ends with a gun battle at a public school.

  Dibley: Oh yes, well, I mean, there were some people who said my film 'aooz - A Space Odyssey', was similar to Stanley Kubrick's. I mean, that's the sort of petty critical niggling that's dogged my career. It makes me sick. I mean, as soon as I'd made 'Midnight Cowboy' with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo, John Schlesinger rushes out his version, and gets it premiered while mine's still at the chemist's.

  Interviewer: Well, we have with us tonight one of your films, 'Rear Window', which was to become such a success for Alfred Hitchcock a few weeks later. Now this is a silent film, so perhaps you could talk us through it...

  (Cut to a dim, shaky 8mm shot of a window. It is open. After a few seconds a man appears and looks out. He then performs over-exaggerated horror and points, looking at camera. Then he disappears and then he reappears.)

  Dibley: Yes, well, let's see now ... there's the rear window. There's the man looking out of the window. He sees the murder. The murderer's come into the room to kill him, but he's outwitted him and he's all right. The End. I mean, Alfred Hitchcock, who's supposed to be so bloody wonderful, padded that out to one and a half hours ... lost all the tension ... just because he had bloody Grace Kelly he made £3 million more than I did. Mind you, at least she can act a bit, I could have done with her in 'Finian's Rainbow' ... The man from the off-licence was terrible ... a real failure that was - ten seconds of solid boredom.

  (Cut to shaky titles: Mr Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow starring the man from the off-licence'. Cut to the man from the off-licence standing by a tennis-court. He wears a dress and appears to be trying to say something - he has forgotten his words. He doa an unconvincing little dance. CAPTION: 'THE END')

  Dibley: Bloody terrible.

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  Foreign Secretary

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 19

  * * *

  The cast:

  INTERVIEWER

  Graham Chapman

  DAME IRENE

  Michael Palin

  HOSTESS

  Rita Davies

  HOST

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  Interviewer: Mr L. F. Dib
ley's 'Finian's Rainbow'. And now over to me. (close-up of interviewer) Exclusively on the programme today we have the Foreign Secretary, who has just returned from the bitter fighting in the Gulf of Amman. He's going to tell us about canoeing. (On the bank of a river seen from the other side. There is a canoe on the bank a man in a pinstripe suit stands beside it. Superimposed caption: 'THE FOREIGN SECRETARY' He gives a little rough and gets in. Two Arabs run in from other side of frame, lift up the canoe and throw it and the Foreign Secretary into the water. Cut back to the interviewer.) Interviewer: That gives you just some idea of what's going on out there. Today saw the long-awaited publication of the Portman Committee's Report on Industrial Reorganization... (CAPTION: 'SOMETHING SILLY'S GOING TO HAPPEN') Interviewer: It's taken five years to prepare and it's bound to have an enormous impact on the future of industrial relations in this country. In the studio tonight Lord Porlrnan, Chairman of the Committee, Sir Charles Avery, Employers' Reorganization Council, and Ray Millichope, leader of the Allied Technicians' Union. And they're going to make a human pyramid. (Three men in shorts run on to accompaniment of tinkling music and form a pyramid As they complete it we cut to film of Vatican crowds and dub on enormous ovation.) Interviewer: .Bra... vo. Now the President of the Board of Trade... (Cut back to the same river bank shot from across the river. The President of the Board of Trade in pinstripes is standing beside a hamper. He smiles and gets in, and lowers the liaL Once again two Arabs run in from either side and throw it in. All these sequences are speeded up.) Interviewer: Now here's the Vice-Chairman of ICI. (Cut back to same river bank. A head looking out of the hamper. It disappears as two Arabs run in and toss it in.) Interviewer: Well, so much for politics and the problems of Britain's industrial reorganization. Now we turn to the hghter subject of sport, and Reg Harris, the former world cycling sprint champion, talks to us about the psychological problems of big race preparation. (Reg and his bike are thrown in the river by the Arabs) And now the world of song - Anne Zeigler and Webster Booth. (two hampers thrown in river by four Arabs) Well, all good things must come to an end, and that's all for this week. But to close our programme, Dame Irene Stoat, who celebrates her eighty-fifth birthday this month, reads one of her most famous poems. (Cut to the river bank. An old lady is standing beside it, but this time on the bank of the river nearest the camera. On the other bank we see the Arabs run into shot, realize they've been foiled and leap up and down in anger.) Dame Irene: Who shall declare this good, that ill When good and ill so intertwine But to fulfil the vast design Of an omniscient will. When seeming again but turns to loss When earthly treasure proves but dross And what seems lost but turns again To high eternal gain. (The Arabs run out of vision. Suddenly, from right beside the camera, with a bloodcurdling seream a Samurai warrior with drawn sword leaps upon her and hurls her backwards into the water. The warrior then strikes up a fierce heroic pose for the camera. Superimposed caption on screen: 'NEWHAVEN - LE HAVRE. GETAWAY TO THE CONTINENT'

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  Dung / Dead Indian

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 19

  * * *

  The cast:

  HOST

  Michael Palin

  HOSTESS

  Rita Davies

  MAN

  John Cleese

  GAS MAN

  Graham Chapman

  POLICEMAN

  Eric Idle

  INSPECTOR

  Terry Jones

  VOICE OVER

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Cut to a smart dinner party. There are two couples in evening dress at the table. Candles burning on the polished wood, a fire burning in the grate. Muted music and sophisticated lighting.)

  Hostess: We had the most marvellous holiday. It was absolutely fantastic.

  Host: Absolutely wonderful.

  Hostess: Michael, you tell them about it.

  Host: No, darling, you tell them.

  Hostess: You do it so much better.

  (The doorbell rings.)

  Host: Excuse me a moment.

  (The host goes and answers the door of the fiat, which opens straight into the dining room. Standing at the door is a large grubby man carrying a tin bath on his shoulder. There are flies buzzing around him. He walks straight in.)

  Man: Dung, sir.

  Host: What?

  Man: We've got your dung.

  Host: What dung?

  Man: Your dung. Three hundredweight of heavy droppings. Where do you want it? ('he looks round for a likely place)

  Host: I didn't order any dung.

  Man: Yes you did, sir. You ordered it through the Book of the Month Club.

  Host: Book of the Month Club?

  Man: That's fight, sir. You get 'Gone with the Wind', 'Les Miserables' by Victor Hugo, 'The French Lieutenant's Woman' and with every third book you get dung.

  Host: I didn't know that when I signed the form.

  Man: Well, no, no. It wasn't on the form - they found it wasn't good for business. Anyway, we've got three hundredweight of dung in the van. Where do you want it?

  Host: Well, I don't think we do. We've no garden.

  Man: Well, it'll all fit in here - it's top-class excrement.

  Host: You can't put it in here, we've having a dinner party!

  Man: 'S alright. I'll put it on the telly.

  (He brings it into the dining room. The guests ignore him.)

  Host: Darling... there's a man here with our Book of the Month Club dung.

  Hostess: We've no room, dear.

  Man: Well, how many rooms have you got, then?

  Host: Well, there's only this room, the bedroom, a spare room.

  Man: Oh well, I'll tell you what, move everything into the main bedroom, then you can use the spare room as a dung room.

  (The doorbell goes and there standing at the door which hasn't been closed is a gas board official with a dead Indian over his shoulders.)

  Host: Yes.

  Gas Man: Dead Indian.

  Host: What?

  Gas Man: Have you recendy bought a new cooker, sir?

  Host: Yes.

  Gas Man: Ah well, this is your free dead Indian, as advertised...

  Host: I didn't see that in the adverts...

  Gas Man: No, it's in the very small print, you see, sir, so as not to affect the sales.

  Host: We've no room.

  Man: That's all right - you can put the dead Indian in the spare room on top of the dung.

  Dead Indian: Me ... heap dizzy.

  Host: He's not dead!

  Gas Man: Oh well, that's probably a faulty cooker.

  (The phone rings. The wife goes to answer it.)

  Man: Have you, er... you read and enjoyed 'The French Lieutenant's Woman', then?

  Host: No.

  Man: No... still, it's worth it for the dung, isn't it?

  Hostess: Darling, it's the Milk Marketing Board. For every two cartons of single cream we get the M4 motorway.

  (Cut to host and hostess standing bewildered in the middle of a motorway. Beside them is a steaming pile of dung, and a dead Indian. They look round in amazement. A police car roars up to them and two policemen leap out.)

  Policeman: Are you Mr and Mrs P. Forbes of 7, the Studios, Elstree?

  Host: Yes.

  Policeman: Right, well, get in the car. We've won you in a police raffle.

  (Speeded up, they are bundled into the car. Cut to inspector.)

  Inspector: Yes! This couple is just one of the prizes in this year's Police Raffle. Other prizes include two years for breaking and entering, a crate of search warrants, a 'What's all this then?' T-shirt and a weekend for two with a skinhead of your own choice.

  (Caption on screen: 'STOP-PRESS')

  Voice Over: And that's not allr Three fabulous new prizes have just been added, a four-month supply of interesting . undergarments (picture), a fully motorized pig (picture?), and a hand-painted sc
ene of Arabian splendour, complete with silly walk.

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  Timmy Williams Interview

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 19

  * * *

  The cast:

  TIMMY

  Eric Idle

  NIGEL

  Terry Jones

  REPORTER

  Graham Chapman

  PETER

  John Cleese

  WAITER

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Animation sketch leading to a booth in a quite expensive looking coffee shop, Italian style. Nigel is sitting there. Timmy William comes in. He has just the faintest passing resemblance to David Frost.)

  Timmy: Nigel! Wonderful to see you, super, super, super. Am I a teeny bit late?

  Nigel: A bit, an hour.

  Timmy: Oh, super! Only Snowdon's been re-touching my profile and we can't upset the lovely Snowdon, can we?

  Nigel: Gosh, no.

  (A man passes.)

  Timmy: (gets up and clasps his hands) ... David Bloggs ... the one and only ... super to see you. Who are you working for? Come and work for me, I'll call you tomorrow. (sits down) It's really lovely to have this little chat with you.