Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches

by Monty Python

  Beethoven: I had it. I had it you old bag. (at the same moment as he gets it right again, the door flies open and Mrs Beethoven charges in with a very load hoover) Mein lieber GottH What are you doing? (a terrible clanking and bonking comes from the wall) What's that! What's that!

  Mrs Beethoven: (still hoovering loudly) It's the plumber!

  (A jarring ring of the doorbell adds to the din.)

  Beethoven: Gott in Himreel, I'm going out.

  Mrs Beethoven: Well, if you're going out don't forget we've got the Mendelssohns coming for tea so don't forget to order some pikelets.

  Beethoven: Pikelets, pikelets. Shakespeare never had this trouble.

  (Shakespeare washing up at a sink present day).

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  Shakespeare / Michaelangelo /

  Colin Mozart (Ratcatcher)

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 21

  * * *

  The cast:

  SHAKESPEARE

  Eric Idle

  BEETHOVEN

  John Cleese

  MICHELANGELO

  Terry Jones

  MOZART

  Michael Palin

  COLIN MOZART

  Michael Palin

  MRS. BEETHOVEN

  Graham Chapman

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Shakespeare washing up at a sink present day)

  Shakespeare: You wanna bet? Incidentally, its da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-dum.

  (Cut to Beethoven.)

  Beethoven: You're right. Oh, incidentally, why not call him Hamlet?

  (Cut back to Shakespeare)

  Shakespeare: Hamlet I like much better than David. (he shouts through , open window next to sink)Michelangelo You can use David. I won't sue

  (Cut to Michelangelo's studio. Michelangelo is in middle of feeding and looking after at least six screaming little babies. His statue of David is in the foreground.)

  Michelangelo: Thanks, but I've had a better idea.

  Camera pans down to show engraved on plinth beneath statue the words Michelangelo's fifth symphony '.)

  Wife: (off-screen) Michelangelo!

  Michelangelo: Yes, dear!

  Wife: I've had another son.

  Michelangelo: Oh, my life.

  (Cut to Mozart. He is scrubbing the floor. Caption: 'W. A. MOZART')

  Mozart: (Jewish accent) Composer? Huh! I wouldn't wish it on my son. He's a sensitive boy, already. I'd rather he was a sewage attendant or a ratcatcher.

  (Cut to street with old-fashioned shops. Exterior. Camera tracks in to a shopfront with a large sign outside: 'Rodent Exterminating Boutique - Colin "Chopper" Mozart (Son Of Composer) Ratcatcher To The Nobility And Ordinary People, Too - Ici On Parle Portugaise'. At the door of shop stands Colin Mozart. A kid runs up to him bearing a long cleft stick, Mozart takes the note from the cleavage and reads it.)

  Colin Mozart: Aha! Rats at 42a Kartoffelnstrasse. Hey Mitzi! I gotta go to Potato Street.

  Mitzi: (off-screen) Put your galoshes on.

  (Mozart leaps on to a bike carrying two shrimp-nets, and rides off. Superimposed caption: 'MUNICH I82I')

  Colin Mozart: (shouting) Depressed by rats? Do mice get you down? Then why not visit Colin Mozart's Rodent Extermination Boutique. Rats extirpated, mice punished, voles torn apart by Colin Mozart, Munich's leading furry animal liquidator.

  (Colin Mozart cycles up to Beethoven's house. Outside is a notice board saying

  MR AND MRS EMMANUEL KANT

  FRAU MITZI HANDGEPACKAUFBEWAHRUNG

  MR DICKIE WAGNER

  K. TYNAN (NO RELATION)

  MR AND MRSJ. W. VON GOETHE AND DOG

  HERR E. W. SWANTON

  MR AND MRS P. ANKA

  MR AND MRS LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN (177o-1827) ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE

  Caption on screen: '613.4 SECONDS LATER' Beethoven's front door is opened by Mrs Beethoven.)

  Mrs Beethoven: Yes?

  Colin Mozart: Colin Mozart.

  Mrs Beethoven: Oh, thank goodness you've come. We're having a terrible time with them bleeding rats. I think they live in his stupid piano already.

  (They go into the house. We hear the first two ban of Beethoven's Fifth counter pointed by loud squealing.)

  Beethoven's Voice: Get out the bloody piano you stupid furry bucktoothed gits! Get out! Gott in Himmel. Get your stinking tail out of my face.

  (Mrs Beethoven opens the door and we see fir the first time a strange sight. Rats are flying across the room (thrown from out of vision) others . scuttle across floor (pulled by strings) others up wall. One sits on Beethoven's head. The squealing is deafening. Beethoven plays on relentlessly.. Mozart and Mrs Beethoven run into room and start trying to catch the rats with the shrimp-nets. Caption: '13.4 MINUTES LATER' Colin Mozart is sitting on the piano. He rakes the rat-infested room with machine-gunfire.)

  Beethoven: Shut up!

  (The picture starts to wobble and mixes back to the two pepperpots.)

  Second Pepperpot: So anyway, Beethoven was rather glad when he went deaf.

  (Mix to Beethoven pushing the keys of the keyboard which is all that remains of his piano. He listens vainly. The mynah bird opens and shuts its beak. In the corner an old horn gramophone plays. We hear Jimmy Durante singing the end of 'I'm the guy that found the lost chord'.)

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  Judges

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 21

  * * *

  About the Sketch:

  A similar sketch involving two camp judges was also heard on the album - Another Monty Python Record'. It featured the same two actors however the material was totally different.

  * * *

  The cast:

  FIRST JUDGE

  Eric Idle

  SECOND JUDGE

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Cut to judges' robing room. Both Judges talking in a very camp voice)

  First Judge: Well, I was ever so glad they abolished hanging, you know, because that black cap just didn't suit me.

  Second Judge: Yes. Do you remember the Glasgow treason trial?

  First Judge: Oh yes, I wore a body stocking all through it.

  Second Judge: No, hen, with the party afterwards.

  First Judge: Oh, that's right. You were walking out with that very butch Clerk of the Court.

  Second Judge: That's right. Ooh, he made me want to turn Queen's evidence.

  (Superimposed credits. Theme tune heard quietly as judges continue.)

  First Judge: Oh, me too. One summing up and I'm anybody's.

  Second Judge: Anyway, Bailie Anderson.

  First Judge: Ooh, her?

  Second Judge: Yes. She's so strict. She was on at me for giving dolly sentences, you know, specially in that arson case.

  First Judge: What was the verdict?

  Second Judge: They preferred the brown wig.

  First Judge: Mm. I love the Scottish Assizes. I know what they mean by a really well-hung jury.

  Second Judge: Oohl Get back in the witness box, you're too sharp to live!

  First Judge: I'll smack your little botty!

  Second Judge: Ooh! and again.

  First Judge: Have you tried that new body rub JP's use?

  Second Judge: 1 had a magistrate in Bradford yesterday.

  First Judge: Funnily enough I felt like one in a lunchtime recess today. (credits end) But the ones I really like are those voice over announcers on the BBC after the programmes are over.

  Second Judge: Oh, aye, of course, they're as bent as safety pins.

  First Judge: I know, but they've got beautiful speaking voices, haven't they? 'And now a choice of viewing on BBC Television.'

  Second Judge: 'Here are tonight's football results.'

  First and Second Judges: Mmm.

  (Fade out.)

  * * *

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ches index

  'How to recognise different parts of the body'

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22

  * * *

  The sketch:

  Voice Over (John Cleese): How to recognize different parts of the body.

  (Hold long enough to read this new title before the foot comes down, stays in shot long enough for voice aver to say:)

  Voice Over: Number one. The foot.

  (A little arrow points to the foot simultaneously. Cut to picture of Venus de Milo (top half). Superimposed little white arrow pointing to shoulder.)

  Voice Over: Number two. The shoulder.

  (Cut to picture of a foot cut off at the ankle. Cigarettes are parked in the top Superimposed arrow.)

  Voice Over: And number three. The other foot.

  (Cut to profile picture of strange person (Terry Gilliam) Superimposed arrow pointing to bridge of nose.)

  Voice Over: Number four. The bridge of the nose.

  (Cut to picture, full length, of man wearing polka-dotted Bermuda shorts. arrow superimposed points to shorts.)

  Voice Over: Number five. The naughty bits.

  (Cut to picture of crooked elbow. Superimposed arrow pointing just above the elbow.)

  Voice Over: Number six. Just above the elbow.

  (Cut to closer picture of different person in identical Bermuda shorts. Superimposed arrow pointing to top of groin.)

  Voice Over: Number seven. Two inches to the right of a very naughty bit indeed.

  (Cut to close-up of a real knee. Arrow superimposed painting to knee.)

  Voice Over: Number eight. The kneecap.

  (Pull back to reveal the knee belongs to 'Bruce', an Australian in full Australian outback gear.)

  * * *

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  Bruces

  From 'Monty Python Live at City Center'

  * * *

  About the Sketch:

  This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22, but also on their album 'Monty Python Live at City Center' and performed live in the Movie - 'Live at the Hollywood Bowl'. It was also featured on other albums - 'The Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief', 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection (first version), 'Monty Python's Final Ripoff' and 'The Ultimate Monty Python Ripoff'. A shortened and different version was also performed on their live album 'Monty Python live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane'.

  * * *

  The cast:

  FIRST BRUCE

  Eric Idle

  SECOND BRUCE

  Graham Chapman

  THIRD BRUCE

  Michael Palin

  FOURTH BRUCE

  John Cleese

  MICHAEL

  Terry Jones

  * * *

  The sketch:

  Second Bruce: G'day, Bruce!

  First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!

  Third Bruce: How are you Bruce?

  First Bruce: A bit crook, Bruce.

  Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?

  First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.

  Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.

  First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

  Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.

  First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

  Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.

  Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! - how are you bruce?

  (Enter fourth Bruce with English person, Michael)

  Fourth Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce?

  First Bruce: G'day Bruce!

  Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

  Second Bruce: Hello Bruce.

  Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

  Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce?

  Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.

  Fourth Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.

  Everybruce: G'day!

  Michael: Hello.

  Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.

  First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?

  Michael: No, it's Michael.

  Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.

  Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?

  Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.

  First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!

  Everybruce: Amen!

  Fourth Bruce: Crack tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.

  Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

  Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

  Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.

  Third Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach?

  Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benaud.

  Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!

  Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!

  Third Bruce: Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!

  Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!

  Fourth Bruce:Bruce: Crack tube! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions?

  Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?

  Fourth Bruce: Are you a Poofter?

  Michael: No!

  Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

  Everybruce: No Poofters!

  Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?

  Everybruce: No Poofters!!

  Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five,

  Everybruce: No Poofters!

  Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six. Rule Seven,

  Everybruce: No Poofters!!

  Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.

  First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

  Everybruce: Amen!

  (NB: The Album versions continue with the Philosopher's song The TV version continues below....)

  First Bruce: Right, let's get some Sheilas.

  (An Aborigine bunts in with an enormous tray full of enormous steaks.)

  Fourth Bruce: OK.

  Second Bruce: Ah, elevenses.

  Third Bruce: This should tide us over 'til lunchtime.

  Second Bruce: Reckon so, Bruce.

  First Bruce: Sydney Nolan! What's that! (points)

  (Cut to dramatic close-up of Fourth Bruce's ear. Hold close-up. The superimposed arrow pointing to the ear.)

  Voice Over: Number nine. The ear.

  *****Album Version Continued******

  (And now all four Bruces launch into the Philosopher's song)

  Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.

  Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.

  David Hume could out-consume Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel.

  And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.

  There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.

  Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

  John Stewart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shanty was particularly ill.

  Plato, they say, could stick it a
way, half a crate of whiskey every day!

  Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,

  And Hobbes was fond of his Dram.

  And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:

  "I drink, therefore I am."

  Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;

  A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

  (Continues)

  * * *

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  Naughty Bits

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Cut to picture of big toe. Superimposed arrow.)

  Voice Over (John Cleese): Number ten. The big toe.

  (Cut to picture of another man in Bermuda shorts. Superimposed arrow pointing at shorts.)

  Voice Over: Number eleven. More naughty bits.

  (Cut to full length shot of lady in Bermuda shorts and Bermuda bra. Superimposed arrow on each side of her body. One points to the bra, one to the Bermuda shorts.)

  Voice Over: Number twelve. The naughty bits of a lady,

  (Cut to picture of a horse wearing Bermuda shorts. Superimposed arrow.)

  Voice Over: Number thirteen. The naughty bits of a horse,

  (Cut to picture of an ant. In the very corner of a blank area. It is very tiny. Superimposed enormous arrow.)

  Voice Over: Number fourteen. The naughty bits of an ant.

  (Cut to picture of Reginald Maudling with Bermuda shorts, put on by Terry Gilliam, over his dark suit. Superimposed arrow pointing to shorts.)

  Voice Over: Number fifteen. The naughty bits of Reginald Maudling.

  (Cut to close-up of false hand sticking out of a sleeve. Superimposed arrow.)

  Voice Over: Number sixteen. The hand.