by Monty Python
Inspector:' That's Sundays only!
Tony: Damn. All fight, I confess I did it. I killed him for his reservation, but you won't take me alive! I'm going to throw myself under the 10.12 from Reading.
John: Don't be a fool, Tony, don't do it, the 10.12 has the new narrow traction bogies, you wouldn't stand a chance.
Tony: Exactly.
(Tableau. Loud chord and slow curtain.)
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Mr. Neville Shunt
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
NEVILLE SHUNT
Terry Gilliam
ART CRITIC
John Cleese
MAN
Michael Palin
ANOTHER MAN
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
Voice Over: That was an excerpt from the latest West End hit 'It all happened on the 11.20 from Hainault to Redhill via Horsham and Reigate, calling at Carshalton Beeches, Malmesbury, Tooting Bec, and Croydon West'. The author is Mr Neville Shunt.
(Shunt sitting among mass of railway junk, at typewriter, typing away madly.)
Shunt: (typing) Chuff, chuff, chuffwoooooch, woooooch! Sssssssss, sssssssss! Diddledum, diddledum, diddlealum. Toot, toot. The train now standing at platform eight, tch, tch, tch, diddledum, diddledum. Chuffff chuffffiTff eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa Vooooommmmm.
(Cut to an critic. Superimposed caption: 'GAVIN MILLARRRRRRRRRR')
Art Critic: Some people have made the mistake of seeing Shunt's work as a load of rubbish about railway timetables, but clever people like me, who talk loudly in restaurants, see this as a deliberate ambiguity, a plea for understanding in a mechanized world. The points are frozen, the beast is dead. What is the difference? What indeed is the point? The point is frozen, the beast is late out of Paddington. The point is taken. If La Fontaine's elk would spurn Tom Jones the engine must be our head, the dining car our oesophagus, the guard's van our left lung, the cattle truck our shins, the first-class compartment the piece of skin at the nape of the neck and the level crossing an electric elk called Simon. The clarity is devastating. But where is the ambiguity? It's over there in a box. Shunt is saying the 8.15 from Gillingham when in reality he means the 8.13 from Gillingham. The train is the same only the time is altered. Ecce homo, ergo elk. La Fontaine knew his sister and knew her bloody well. The point is taken, the beast is moulting, the fluff gets up your nose. The illusion is complete; it is reality, the reality is illusion and the ambiguity is the only truth. But is the truth, as Hitchcock observes, in the box? No there isn't room, the ambiguity has put on weight. The point is taken, the elk is dead, the beast stops at Swindon, Chabrol stops at nothing, I'm having treatment and La Fontaine can get knotted.
( Cut to man at desk.)
Man: Gavin Millar...
(Cut to another man.)
Another Man: ... rrrrrrr...
(Cut to first man.)
Man: ... was not talking to Neville Shunt. From the world of the theatre we turn to the world of dental hygiene. No, no, no, no. From the world of the theatre we mru to the silver screen. We honour one of the silver screen's outstanding writer-dentists... writer-directors, Martin Curry who is visiting London to have a tooth out, for the pre-molar, er... premiere of his filling, film next Toothday... Tuesday, at the Dental Theatre... Film Theatre. Martin Curry talking to Matthew Palate... Padget.
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Film Director (teeth)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24
* * *
The cast:
PADGET
Terry Jones
CURRY
Graham Chapman
LABIENUS
Terry Jones
JULIUS
Graham Chapman
NELSON
Eric Idle
TOAD
Terry Jones
HARDY
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Cut to late-night line-up setting. Interviewer and interviewee.)
Padget: Martin Curry, welcome. One of the big teeth... big points that the American critics made about your latest film, 'The Twelve Caesars', was that it was on so all-embracing a topic. What made you undertake so enormous a tusk... task?
(We now see that his interviewee has two enormous front teeth.)
Curry: Well I've always been interested in Imperial Rome from Julius Caesar right through to Vethpathian.
Padget: Who?
Curry: Vethpathian.
Padget: Ah! Vespasian.
Curry: Yes.
Padget: When I saw your film it did seem to me that you had taken a rather, urn, subjective approach to it.
Curry: I'm sorry?
Padget: Well, I mean all your main characters had these enormous ... well not enormous, these very big ... well let's have a look at a clip in which Julius Incisor .... Caesar talks to his generals during the baffle against Caractacus.
Curry: I don't see that at all.
(Film: interior of a tent; generals around a table.)
Labienus: (with relatively enormous front teeth) Shall I order the cavalry that they may hide themselves in the wood, O Caesar?
All: (with very large front teeth) Thus O Caesar.
Julius: (with amazingly large front teeth) Today is about to be a triumph for our native country.
(Back to interview set.)
Padget: Martin Curry, why do all your characters have these very big er ... very big um ... teeth?
Curry: What do you mean?
Padget: Well, I mean, er... and even in your biblical epic, 'The Son of Man', John the Baptist had the most enormous ... dental appendages ... and of course ... himself had the most monumental ivories.
Curry: No, I'm afraid I don't see that at all. (picks up glass of water but can't get it to his mouth) Could I have a straw?
Padget: Oh, a straw, yes, yes. Well while we're doing that perhaps we could take another look at an earlier film, 'Trafalgar'.
(Between decks. Nelson lying among others. They all have enormous teeth.)
Nelson: Cover my coat, Mr Bush, the men must not know of this till victory is ours.
Toad: The surgeon's coming, sir.
Nelson: No, tell the surgeon to attend the men that can be saved. He can do little for me, I fear.
Toad: Aye, aye, sir.
Nelson: Hardy! Hardy!
Hardy: Sir?
Nelson: Hardy...' kiss... er ... put your hand on my thigh.
(Back to interview set. Curry is sitting practically upside down, trying to drink water with much difficulty)
Padget: Martin Curry, thank you. Well. We asked the first-night audience what they thought of that film.
(Cut to vox pops.)
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City Gents Vox Pops
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24
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The cast:
MAN WITH ENORMOUS EARS
John Cleese
MAN WITH ENORMOUS TEETH
Terry Jones
MAN WITH ENORMOUS NOSE
Eric Idle
MADLY DRESSED MAN
Graham Chapman
FIRST CITY GENT
Michael Palin
SECOND CITY GENT
Graham Chapman
AN OLD GRAMOPHONE
John Cleese
THIRD CITY GENT
Eric Idle
WOMAN
Terry Jones
FOURTH CITY GENT
John Cleese
FIFTH CITY GENT
Terry Jones
MAN
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to vox pops.)
Man With Enormous Ears: It wasn't true to
life.
Man With Enormous Teeth: Yes it was.
Man With Enormous Nose: No it wasn't.
Madly Dressed Man: I thought it was totally bizarre.
First City Gent: Well I've been in the city for over forty years and I think the importance of looking after poor people cannot be understressed.
Second City Gent: Well I've been in the city for twenty years and I must admit - I'm lost.
An Old Gramophone: Well, I've been in the city all my life and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.
Third City Gent: Well I've been in the city since I was two and I certainly' wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut ... stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut...
Woman: Oh dear, Mr Bulstrode's stuck again.
(She runs over and gives him a shove.)
Third City Gent: I certainly wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut.
Fourth City Gent: Well l've been in the city for thirty years and I've never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold hearted, avaricious, money-grubber ... Conservative.
Fifth City Gent: Well I've been in the city for twenty-seven years and I would like to see the reintroduction of flogging. Every Thursday, round at my place.
Man: (whose head only is visible above the level of the sea) Well I've been in the sea for thirty-three years and I've never regretted it.
(Camera pulls back to reveal other city gents also with only heads and bowlers visible who say 'quite agree'. Camera pulls back further to reveal an elderly couple sitting in deckchairs.)
Man: I think it must be a naturalist outing.
Woman: I think it must be one of them crackpot religions.
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'Crackpot Religions Ltd.'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24
* * *
The cast:
CRACKPOT
Eric Idle
NUDE MAN
Terry Gilliam
PRIEST
John Cleese
MRS. COLLINS
Michael Palin
INTERVIEWER
Carol Cleveland
BISHOP
Graham Chapman
AUSSIE BISHOP
John Cleese
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
ARCHBISHOP GUMBY
Michael Palin
JOHN LENNON
Eric Idle
ARCHBISHOP SHABBY
Michael Palin
ARCHBISHOP NUDGE
Eric Idle
BISHOP OF NAUGHTY RELIGION
John Cleese
BILL
Michael Palin
ALI BYAN
Terry Jones
PRIEST OF MOST POPULAR RELIGION
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
Cut to Arthur Crackpot sitting at a large curved desk on the front of which a sign says 'Crackpot Religions Ltd.' Arthur Crackpot President and God (Ltd)'.
Crackpot: This is an example of the sort of abuse we get all the time from ignorant people. I inherited this religion from my father, an ex-used-car salesman and part-time window-box, and I am very proud to be in charge of the first religion with free gifts. You get this luxury tea-trolley with every new enrolment. (pictures of this and the subsequent gifts) In addition to this you can win a three-piece lounge suite, this luxury caravan, a weekend for two with Peter Bonetti and tonighes star prize, the entire Norwich City Council.
(Curtains go up to reveal the council. Terrific 'ooh' from an audience. Bad organ chords played by a nude man).
Crackpot: And remember with only eight scoring draws you can win a bishopric in a see of your own choice. You see we have a much more' modern approach to religion.
(Cut to a person in church. They are walkning past a pillar. They take out some money and put it in a collecting box. A sign on the box says 'For the rich'. We hear the money going in, then it moves off, along pipes, falling down; eventually it tomes down a small pipe and lands with a tinkle in Crackpot's ashtray. Ht tries the money with his teeth, pops it into his pocket, and finishes reading...)
Crackpot: Blessed is Arthur Crackpot and all his subsidiaries Ltd. You see, in our Church we have a lot more fun.
Priest: (we see he has a peppeRPot with him) Oh, Mrs Collins, you did say you were nervious, didn't you? You have eyes on the coffee machine?
Mrs Collins: I don't mind, I don't mind - it's just nice to be here, Reverend.
Priest: (slaps her) Archdeacon! You asked for the coffee machine ... so lets see what you've won? You chose Hymn no. 437. (goes to hymn board, removes one of the numbers, and reads what's on the back) Oh, Mrs Collins, you had eyes on the coffee machine. Well you have won tonight's star prize: the entire 'Norwich City Council.
(Organ music, oohs and applause from audience.)
Mrs Collins: I've got one already. (the priest starts to throttle her)
(Cut back to Crackpot in his Office.)
Crackpot: A lot of religions - no names no pack drill - do go for the poorer type of person - face it, there's more of 'era - poor people, thieves, villains, poor people without no money at all - well we don't have none of that tat. Rich people and crumpet over sixteen can enter free: upper middle class quite welcome; lower middle class not under five grand a year. Lower class - I can't touch it. There's no return on it, you see.
(Pull back to show interviewer sitting at his side.)
Interviewer: Do you have any difficulty converting people?
Crackpot: Oh no, well we have ways of making them join.
(Cut to a photo of a bishops)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: "THE BISHOP OF DULWICH')
Crackpot's Voice: Norman there does a lot of converting: a lot of protection, that son of thing. And there's his mate, Bruce Beer.
(Photo of Aussie bishop with beer can)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: (THE ARCHBISHOP OF AUSTRALIA')
Crackpot's Voice: Brucie has personally converted ninety-two people twenty-five inside the distance. Then again we're not afraid to use more modern methods.
(Cut to 'Daily Mirror' type pin-up of a bikinied lovely in a silly pose, on a beach with a bishop's mitre and Bible. A large headline reads: 'North See Gas'. A subheading says 'Bishop Sarah', then below that, this blurb which is also read voice over.)
Voice Over: Sarah, today's diocesan lovely is enough to make any chap. go down on his knees. This twenty-three-year-old bishop hails appropriately enough from Bishop's Stortford and lists her hobbies as swimming, riding, and film producers. What a gas! Bet she's no novice when it comes to converting all in her See.
(Cut to Gumby in street.)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ARCHBISHOP GUMBY')
Gumby: (shouting laboriously) Basically, I believe in peace and bashing two bricks together. (he bashes two bricks together)
(Cut to John Lennon)
Lennon: I'm starting a war for peace.
(Cut to Ken Shabby.)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ARCHBISHOP SHABBY')
Shabby: Cor blimey. I'm raising polecats for peace.
(Cut to Arthur Nudge.)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ARCHBISHOP NUDGE')
Nudge: Peace? I like a peace. Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Say no more. Nudge, nudge.
(Cut to a bishop. A sign on the wall says 'Naughty Religion '.)
Bishop: Our religion is the first Church to cater for the naughty type of person. If you'd like a bit of 1ove-your-neighbour - and who doesn't now and again - then see Vera and Ciceley during the hymns.
(Cut to wide-boy Pope, with small moustache and kipper tie. A sign says: 'No Questions Asked Religion '.)
Bill: In our Church we try to help people to help themselves - to cars, washing machines, lead piping, no questions asked. We are the only Church, apart from the Baptists, to do re-spray jobs.
(Cut to loony with a fright wig and an axe in his head. A sign says: 'The Lunatic Religion '.)
Ali Byan:
We the Church of. the Divine Loony believe in the power of prayer to turn the head purple ha, ha, ha.
(Cut to a normal looking priest. A sign says: 'The Most Popular Religion Led'.)
Priest: I would like to come in here for a moment if I may, and disassociate our Church from these frivolous and offensive religions. We are primarily concerned with what is best... (phone rings; he arewets it) Hello. Oh, well how about Allied Breweries? All ri'ght. but keep the Rio Tinto (puts phone down) ... for the human soul.
( ANIMATION: a vicar by Terry Gilliam)
(CAPTION: 'CARTOON RELIGIONS LTD')
Voice: In our Church we believe first and foremost in you. (use smiles; the top of his head comes off and the Devil tries to climb out; the vicar replaces his head) We want you to think of us as your friend. (as before; the vicar nails the top of his head on)
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How not to be seen
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24
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About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'
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The sketch:
Cut to a wide-angle shot of hedgerows, fields and trees. Voice Over (John Cleese): In this picture there are forty people. None of them can be seen. In this film we hope to show you how not to be seen.
