by Monty Python
(Caption on screen: 'HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT TO BE SEEN"')
Voice Over: In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE5. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw will you stand up please
In the distance Mr Bradshaw stands up. There is a loud gunshot as Mr Bradshaw is shot in the stomach. He crumples to the ground
Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
Cut to another location - an empty area of scrubland
Voice Over: In this picture we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Cresent, Belmont. Mrs Smegma will you stand up please.
To the right of the area Mrs Smegma stands up. A gunshot rings out, and Mrs. Smegma leaps into the air, and falls to the ground dead. Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle
Voice Over: This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbit would you stand up please. (after a pause - nothing happens)Mr Nesbitt has learnt the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
The bush explodes and you hear a muffled scream. Cut to another scene with three bushes
Voice Over: Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh, The Burrows, Oswestly, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out. (the left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, and then the middle bush explodes. There is a muffled scream as Mr. Lambert is blown up) Yes it was the middle one.
Cut to a shot of a farmland area with a water butt, a wall, a pile of leaves, a bushy tree, a parked car, and lots of bushes in the distance
Voice Over: Mr Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel.
The water barrel just blows up in a huge explosion. Cut to a panning shot from the beach huts to beach across the sea
Voice Over: Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Ivy Cottage, Worplesdon Road, Hull, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwarding address, and they had bolted and barred the house to prevent us from getting in. However a neighbour told us where there were.
The camera pans around and stops on a obvious looking hut, which blows up. Cut to a house with a gumby standing out front
Voice Over: And here is the neighbour (he blows up, leaving just his boots. Cut to a shack in the desert) Here is where he lived (shack blows up - cut to a building) And this is where Lord Langdin lived who refused to speak to us (it blows up). so did the gentleman who lived here....(shot of a house - it blows up) and here.....(another building blows up) and of course here.....(a series of various atom and hydrogen bombs at the moment of impact)
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Crossing the Alantic on a Tricycle
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24
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The cast:
PRESENTER
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
Presenter: Ah, well 'I'm afraid we have to stop the film there, as some of the scenes which followed were of a violent nature which might have proved distressing to some of our viewers. Though not to me, I can tell you. (cut to another camera; the presenter turns to face it,) In Nova Scotia today, Mr Roy Bent of North Walsham in Norfolk became the first man to cross the Atlantic on a tricycle. His tricycle, specially adapted for the crossing, was ninety feet long, with a protective steel hull, three funnels, seventeen first-class cabins and a radar scanner. (A head and shoulders picture of Roy Bent comes up on the screen behind him) Mr Bent is in our Durham studios, which is rather unfortunate as we're all down here in London. And in London I have with me Mr Ludovic Grayson, the man who scored all six goals in Arsenal's 1-0 victory over the Turkish Champions FC Botty.
(Sketch continues...)
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Interview in Filing Cabinet /
'Yummy Yummy' /
Monty Python's Flying Circus again in Thirty Seconds
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24
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The cast:
PRESENTER
Michael Palin
MR. GRAYSON
Terry Jones
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(pull out to reveal that he is talking to a five-foot-high filing cabinet)
Presenter:: first of all congratulations on the victory.
Mr Grayson: (from inside filing cabinet) Thank you, David.
Presenter: It should send you back to Blighty with a big lead.
Mr Grayson: Oh yes, well we're fairly confident, David.
Presenter: Well at the moment, Ludovic, you're crouching down inside a filing cabinet.
Mr Grayson: Yes that's right, David, I'm trying not to be seen.
Presenter: I see. Is this through fear?
Mr Grayson: Oh no, no, it's common sense really. If they can't see you, they can't get you.
Presenter: Ha, ha, ha, but of course they can still hear you. (the filing cabinet explodes) Ludovic Grayson, thank you very much for coming on the programme tonight. And we end the show with music. And here with their very latest recording 'Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've got love in my tummy' Jackie Charlton and the Tonettes.
(Cut to a trendy pop-music set with coloured lights, etc. On the main podium is a large packing crate with a microphone in front of it. The backing vocal is by three more packing crates with microphones. The instrumental group are also in crates. We hear the above mentioned pop song. Roll credits ova; Fade out. Cut to BBC 1 caption.)
Voice Over: For those of you who may have just missed 'Money Python's Flying Circus', here it is again.
(Entire show is recapped in a series of flash clips lasting about twenty seconds.)
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'The Black Eagle'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 25
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The sketch:
(Close up of a flag bearing a black eagle on a red background fluttering in the wind. Blue sky behind and scudding clouds. Adventure music as for buccaneer film.)
CAPTIONS:
THE BLACK EAGLE
CAST
BLACK EAGLE ..............THORNTON WELLES
MEG FAIRWEATHER .............KATE TAMBLYING
JACK FAIRWEATHER ..............OWEN TREGOWER
HENRY FAIRWEATHER ..............RUSS TEMPOLE JNR.
MRS FAIRWEATHER .............ALICE SHOEMAKER
DR TENNYSON .............MARSHALL M. WEST
LUMPKIN .............DINO DE VERE
MR RIVERS .............WALTER SCHENKEL
LT STAVEACRE .............NORMAN S, HUGHES
A WENCH .............MARSHA SUTTON
SECOND WENCH .............TINEA PEDIS
THE DOG .............KARL
SCREENPLAY BY AL R. SCHROEDER AND WAYNE KOPIT
BASED ON THE NOVEL 'THE BLUE EAGLE' BY RAPHAEL SABATINI
SET DECORATION .............CY BORGONI
MAKE-UP .............BUNICE DILKES
COSTUMES .............JOAN LOUIS
UNIT MANAGER .............TREVOR BELOWSKI
CONTINUITY ............. SUE CARPENTER
SPECIAL EFFECTS ..............WALTER SCHENKEL
MISS TAMBLYING'S GOWNS BY HEPWORTHS
COLOUR BY CHROMACOLOUR
SOUND RECORDING WCA SYSTEM
COPYRIGHT BY SCHENKEL PRODUCTIONS
ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN PERSONS LIVING OR DEAD IS COINCIDENTAL
<
br /> PRODUCED BY JOSEPH M. SCHLACK
DIRECTED BY LAURENT F. NORDER
(Mix through from flag to sea at night. Sound of water lapping. Soft sound of muffled oars drawing nearer. We can see a rowing bat making slowly and silently towards the shore where the camera is. The stirring music continues)
ROLLER CAPTION: 'IN I742 THE SPANISH EMPIRE LAY IN RUINS. TORN BY INTERNAL DISSENT, AND WRACKED BY NUMEROUS WARS, ITS RICH TRADE ROUTES FELL AN EASY PREY TO BRITISH PRIVATEERS · · · AND THE TREASURE OF THE SPANISH MAIN WAS BROUGHT HOME TO THE SHORES OF ENGLAND'
(By the time the roller captions have finished the rowing boat has approached much nearer. It stops and they ship their oars. Cut in to close ups of pirate's face peering into the darkness. Shot from the boat of a deserted cliff top. A light flashes twice. Then then is a pause. Cut back to the boat; the men look uneasy as they wait fir the third flash. Cut back to the cliff... at last the third flash. Cut back to the boat; they start to row again. Cut to them beaching the boat on the shore. They start to unload sacks and chests. Putting them onto their shoulders they start to walk along the shore line. We pan with them for quite some way... and suddenly between the camera and the pirates we come across the announcer at a desk. He wears a dinner jacket and shuffles some papers in front of him.)
Announcer (John Cleese): (JOHN) And now for something completely different...
lt's Man: (Michael Palin) It's...
(Animated titles.)
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The Hungarian Phrasebook sketch
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About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 25, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'
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The cast:
HUNGARIAN
John Cleese
CLERK
Terry Jones
POLICEMAN
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
(Set: A tobacconist's shop.)
Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarians (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist's shops to buy cigarettes....
A Hungarian tourist approaches the clerk. The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched.
Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds up a pack).
Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels
(pretends to strike a match).
Clerk: Ahh, matches!
Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.
Hungarian: You great poof.
Clerk: That'll be six and six, please.
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I...I am no longer infected.
Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...Costs six and six...ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)
Hungarian punches the clerk.
Meanwhile, a policeman on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.
Cop: What's going on here then?
Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.
Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?
Clerk: He hit me!
Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime. (points at clerk)
Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)
Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!
(scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop.
Cast:
Judge: Terry Jones
Bailiff: Eric Idle
Lawyer: John Cleese
Cop: Graham (still)
Publisher: Michael Palin
Bailiff: Call Alexander Yalt!
(voices sing out the name several times)
Judge: Oh, shut up!
Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, I am.
Bailiff: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: I am.
Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
Publisher: Not guilty.
Bailiff: You live at 46 Horton Terrace?
Publisher: I do live at 46 Horton terrace.
Bailiff: You are the director of a publishing company?
Publisher: I am the director of a publishing company.
Bailiff: Your company publishes phrase books?
Publisher: My company does publish phrase books.
Bailiff: You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?
Publisher: Yes.
Bailiff: (strikes a gong) Ah! Got him!
(lawyer and cop applaud, laugh)
Judge: Get on with it, get on with it.
Bailiff: That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book.
Publisher: I did.
Bailiff: I quote one example. The Hungarian phrase meaning "Can you direct me to the station?" is translated by the English phrase, "Please fondle my bum."
Publisher: I wish to plead incompetence.
Cop: (stands) Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?
Judge: An adjournment? Certainly not!
(the cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe.)
Judge: Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?
Cop: I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.
(cut to ancient footage of old women applauding)
Judge: (banging + swinging gavel) If there's any more stock film of women applauding, I'll clear the court.
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Communist Quiz
(Also known as 'World Forum')
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About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 25, it also performed live in the Movie - 'Live at the Hollywood Bowl' and on their albums 'Another Monty Python Record', 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (US version) and 'Lust for Glory'. They also performed this sketch live on their albums - 'Monty Python live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane' and 'Monty Python live at City Center.
* * *
The sketch:
CAPTION: 'WORLD FORUM'
(An important-looking current affairs set. On the back wall behind the presenter huge letters say: 'World Forum')
Presenter (Eric Idle): Good evening. Tonight is indeed a unique occasion in the history of television. We are very privileged, and deeply honoured to have with us in the studio, Karl Marx, founder of modern socialism, and author of the 'Communist Manifesto'. (Karl Marx is sitting at a desk; he nods) Vladimir Ilich Ulyanov, better known to the world as Lenin, leader of the Russian Revolution, writer, statesman, and father of modern communism. (shot of Lenin also at desk; he nods) Che Guevara, the Cuban guerrilla leader. (shot of Guevara) And Mao Tse-tung, leader of the Chinese Communist Party since 1949. (shot of Mao; the presenter picks up a card) And the f
irst question is for you, Karl Marx. The Hammers - the Hammers is the nickname of what English football team? 'the Hammers? (shot of Karl Marx furrowing his brow- obviously he hasn't a clue) No? Well bad luck there, Karl. So we'll go onto you Che. Che Guevara - Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year? (cut to Che looking equally dumbfounded) No? I'll throw it open. Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year? (they all look blank) No? Well, I'm not surprised you didn't get that. It was in fact a trick question. Coventry City have never won the FA Cup. So with the scores all equal now we go onto our second round, and Lenin it's your starter for ten. Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1959. What was the name of the song? ... Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr's song in the 1959 Eurovision Song Contest? Anybody? (buzzer goes as in 'University Challenge'.' zoom in on Mao Tse-tung) Yes, Mao Tse-tung?
Mao Tse-tung: 'Sing Little Birdie'?
Presenter: Yes it was indeed. Well challenged. (applause) Well now we come on to our special gift section. The contestant is Karl Marx and the prize this week is a beautiful lounge suite. (curtains behind the presenter sweep open to reveal a beautiful lounge suite; ternfic audience applause; Karl comes out and stands in front of this display) Now Karl has elected to, answer questions on the workers' control of factories so here we go with question number one. Are you nervous? (Karl nods his head; the presenter reads from a card) The development of the industrial proletariat is conditioned by what other development?
