Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches

by Monty Python

  The sketch:

  (The background changes to blow-up of a fish tank. The adman is sitting at a desk. He pulls a goldfish bowl over.)

  Adman: Well last week on Fish Club we learnt how to sex a pike... and this week we're going to learn how to feed a goldfish. Now contrary to what most people think the goldfish has a ravenous appetite. If it doesn't get enough protein it gets very thin and its bones begin to stick out and its fins start to fall off. So once a week give your goldfish a really good meal. Here's one specially recommended by the Board of Irresponsible People. First, some cold consomme or a gazpacho (pours it in), then some sausages with spring greens, sauteed potatoes and bread and gravy.

  (He tips all this into the bowl. An RSPCA man rushes in, grabs the man and hauls him off.)

  RSPCA Man: All right, come on, that's enough, that's enough.

  Adman: ... treacle tan... chocolate cake and...

  Voice Over: (and caption on screen) 'THE RSPCA WISH IT TO BE KNOWN THAT, THAT MAN WAS NOT A BONA FIDE ANIMAL LOVER, AND ALSO THAT GOLDFISH DO NOT EAT SAUSAGES. (the man is still shouting) SHUT UP! THEY ARE QUITE HAPPY WITH BREADCRUMBS, ANTS' EGGS AND THE OCCASIONAL PHEASANT... '

  (The last four words are crossed out on the caption.)

  Voice Over: Who wrote that?

  * * *

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  The man who collects bird watcher's eggs

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26

  * * *

  The cast:

  WAITER

  Graham Chapman

  VOICE OVER

  Eric Idle

  HERBERT

  Terry Jones

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Mix to a lyrical shot of wild flower's in beautiful English countryside. Gentle pastoral music. The camera begins to pan away from the flowers, moving slowly across this idyllic scene. Mix in the sound of lovers - the indistinct deep voice, followed by a playful giggle from the girl. At first very distant, but as We continue to pan it increases in volume, until we come to rest on the source of the noise - a tape recorder in front of a bush. After a short pause, the camera tracks round behind this bush where are a couple sitting reading a book each. Pan away from them across afield. In the middle of the pan we come across a smooth, mustachioed little Italian head waiter, in tails etc. We do not stop on him.)

  Waiter: (bowing to camera) I hope you're enjoying the show.

  (On pans the camera to the end of the field where we pick up a man in a long mac crawling on all fours through the undergrowth. We follow him as he occasionally dodges behind a bush or a tree. He is stealthily tracking something. After a few moments he comes up behind a bird watcher (in deerstalker and tweeds) who lies at the top of a small rise, with his binoculars trained. With infinite caution the man in the long mac slides up behind the bird watcher, then he stretches out a hand and opens the flap of the bird watcher's knapsack. He pulls out a small white paper bag. Holding his breath, he feels inside the bag and produces a small pie, then a tomato and finally two hard-boiled eggs. He pockets the hard-boiled eggs, puts the rest back and creeps away.)

  Voice Over: Herbert Mental collects breathers' eggs. At his home in Surrey he has a collection of over four hundred of them.

  (Cut to Mantle in a study lined with shelves full of hard-boiled eggs. They all have little labels on the front of them. He goes up and selects one from a long line of identical hard-boiled eggs.)

  Herbert: 'Ere now. This is a very interesting one. This is from a Mr P. F. Bradshaw. He is usually found in Surrey hedgerows, but I found this one in the gents at St Pancras, uneaten. (he provides the. next question himself in bad ventriloquist style) Mr Mental, why did you start collecting bird watchers' eggs? (normal voice) Oh, well, I did it to get on 'Man Alive'. (ventriloquially) 'Man Alive'? (normal voice) That's right, yes. But then that got all serious, so I carried on in the hope of a quick appearance as an eccentric on the regional section of 'Nationwide'. (ventriloquially) Mr Mental, I believe a couple of years ago you started to collect butterfly hunters. (normal voice) Butterfly hunters? (ventriloquially) Yes. (normal voice) Oh, that's right. Here's a couple of them over here. (he moves to his left; on the wall behind him are the splayed-out figures of two butterfly hunters, with pins through their backs and their names on cards underneath) Nice little chaps. But the hobby I enjoyed most was racing pigeon fanciers.

  (An open field. A large hamper, with an attendant in a brown coat standing behind it. The attendant opens the hamper and three pigeon fanciers, (in very fast motion) leap out and run off across the field, wheeling in a carve as birds do. Cut to a series of speeded-up close ups of baskets being opened and pigeon fanciers leaping out. After four or five of these fast close ups cut to long shot of the mass of pigeon fanciers wheeling across the field like a flock of pigeons. Cut to film of Trafalgar Square. The pigeon fanciers are now running around in the square, wheeling in groups. Cut to Gilliam picture. of Trafalgar Square. The chicken man from the opening credits flies past towing a banner which says 'This Space Available, Tel 498 5116'. The head of a huge hedgehog - Spiny Norman - appears above St Martin 's-in-the-Fields.)

  Spiny Norman: Dinsdale! Dinsdale!

  * * *

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  Insurance Sketch

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26

  * * *

  The cast:

  MARTIN

  Eric Idle

  FELDMAN

  John Cleese

  VOICE OVER

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Animated sequence then leads to: EXTREMELY ANIMATED CAPTION; 'MONTY PYTHON PROUDLY PRESENTS THE INSURANCE SKETCH' Interior smooth-looking office. Mr Feldman behind a desk, Mr Martin in front of it. A sign on the desk: 'Life Insurance Ltd'.)

  Martin: Good morning. I've been in touch with you about the, er, life insurance...

  Feldman: (JOHN) Ah yes, did you bring the um ... the specimen of your um ... and so on, and so on?

  Martin: Yes I did. It's in the car. There's rather a lot.

  Feldman: Good, good.

  Martin: Do you really need twelve gallons?

  Feldman: No, no, not really.

  Martin: Do you test it?

  Feldman: No.

  Martin: Well, why do you want it?

  Feldman: Well, we do it to make sure that you're serious about wanting insurance, I mean, if you're not, you won't spend a couple of months filling up that enormous churn with mmm, so on and so on...

  Martin: Shall I bring it in?

  Feldman: Good Lord no. Throw it away.

  Martin: Throw it away? I was months filling that thing up.

  (The sound of the National Anthem starts. They stand to attention. Martin and Feldman mutter to each other, and we hear a reverential voice over.)

  Voice Over: And we've just heard that Her Majesty the Queen has just tuned into this programme and so she is now watching this royal sketch here in this royal set. The actor on the left is wearing the great grey suit of the BBC wardrobe department and the other actor is ... about to deliver the first great royal joke here this royal evening. (the camera pans, Martin following it part way, to show the camera crew and the audience, all standing to attention) Over to the fight you can see the royal cameraman, and behind... Oh, we've just heard she's switched over. She's watching the 'News at Ten'.

  (Cries of disappointment.)

  * * *

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  Hospital run by R.S.M.

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26

  * * *

  The cast:

  REGGIE

  Reggie Bosanquet

  FIRST DOCTOR

  John Cleese

  FIRST PATIENT

  Michael Palin

  SECOND DOCTOR

  Eric Idle

  INTERVIEWER'S VOICE

  Eric Idle

  SECOND PATIENT />
  Michael Palin

  THIRD PATIENT

  Graham Chapman

  THIRD DOCTOR

  Terry Jones

  FOURTH DOCTOR

  Graham Chapman

  FIFTH DOCTOR

  John Cleese

  The sketch:

  (Cut to Reggie Bosanquet (the real one) at the 'News at Ten'set. He is reading.)

  Reggie: ... despite the union's recommendation that the strikers should accept the second and third clauses of the agreement arrived at last Thursday. (the National Anthem starts to play in the background and Reggie stands, continuing to read) Today saw the publication of the McGuffie Commission's controversial report on treatment of in-patients in north London hospitals.

  (A hospital: a sign above door says 'Intensive Care Unit'. A group of heavily bandaged patients with crutches, legs and arms in plaster, etc., struggle out and onto a courtyard.)

  First Doctor: Get on parade! Come on! We haven't got all day, have we? Come on, come on, come on. (the patients painfully get themselves into line) Hurry up ... right! Now, I know some hospitals where you get the patients lying around in bed. Sleeping, resting, recuperating, convalescing. Well, that's not the way we do things here, right! No, you won't be loafing about in bed wasting the doctors' time. You - you horrible little cripple. What's the matter with you?

  1st Patient: Fractured tibia, sergeant.

  First Doctor: 'Fractured tibia, sergeant'? 'Fractured tibia, sergeant'? Ooh. Proper little mummy's boy, aren't we? Well, I'll tell you something, my fine friend, if you fracture a tibia here you keep quiet about it! Look at him! (looks more closely) He's broken both his arms and he don't go shouting about it, do he? No! 'Cos he's a man - he's a woman, you see, so don't come that broken tibia talk with me. Get on at the double. One, two, three, pick that crutch up, pick that crutch right up.

  (The patient hobbles off at the double and falls over.)

  1st Patient: Aaargh!

  First Doctor: Right, squad, 'shun! Squad, right turn. Squad, by the left, quick limp! Come on, pick 'em up. Get some air in those wounds.

  (Cut to second doctor. He is smoking a cigar.)

  Second Doctor: (to camera) Here at St Pooves, we believe in ART - Active Recuperation Techniques. We try to help the patient understand that however ill he may be, he can still fulfil a useful role in society. Sun lounge please, Mr Griffiths.

  (Pull back to show doctor sitting in a wheelchair. A bandaged patient wheels him off.)

  2nd Patient: (MICHAEL) I've got a triple fracture of the right leg, dislocated collar bone and multiple head injuries, so I do most of the heavy work, like helping the surgeon.

  Interviewer's Voice: What does that involve?

  2nd Patient: Well, at the moment we're building him a holiday home.

  Interviewer's Voice: What about the nurses?

  2nd Patient: Well, I don't know about them. They're not allowed to mix with the patients.

  Interviewer's Voice: Do all the patients work?

  2nd Patient: No, no, the ones that are really ill do sport.

  (Cut to bandaged patients on a cross-country run.)

  Voice Over: Yes, one thing patients here dread are the runs.

  (The patients climb over a fence with much difficulty. One falls.)

  Interviewer's Voice: How are you feeling?

  3rd Patient: Much better.

  (Shots of patients doing sporting acivities.)

  Voice Over: But patients are allowed visiting. And this week they're visiting an iron foundry at Swindon, which is crying out for unskilled labour. ('Dr Kildare' theme music; shot - doctors being manicured having shoes cleaned etc. by patients) But this isn't the only hospital where doctors' conditions are improving.

  (Sign on wall: 'St Nathan's Hospital For Young, 'Attractive Girls Who Aren't Particularly Ill. Pan down to a doctor.)

  Third Doctor: Er, very little shortage of doctors here. We have over forty doctors per bed - er, patient. Oh, be honest. Bed.

  (Sign: 'St Gandalf's Hospital For Very Rich People Who Like Giving Doctors Lots Of Money'. Pull back to show another doctor.)

  Fourth Doctor: We've every facility here for dealing with people who are rich. We can deal with a blocked purse, we can drain private accounts and in the worst eases we can perform a total cashectomy, which is total removal of all moneys from the patient.

  (Sign: 'St Michael's Hospital For Linkmen '. Pan down to doctor.)

  Fifth Doctor: Well, here we try to help people who have to link sketches together. We try to stop them saying 'Have you ever wondered what it would be like if' and instead say something like um... er... 'And now the mountaineering sketch'.

  * * *

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  Mountaineer /

  Exploding version of the 'The Blue Danube'

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Cut to a mountaineer hanging on ropes on steep mountain face.)

  Mountaineer (Graham Chapman): I haven't written a mountaineering sketch.

  (Superimposed Caption: 'LINK')

  Mountaineer: But now over to the exploding version of the 'Blue Danube'.

  (Cut to an orchestra in a field playing the 'Blue Danube'. On each musical phrase, a member of the orchestra explodes. Fade to pitch darkness.)

  * * *

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  Girls Boarding School

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26

  * * *

  The cast:

  FIRST VOICE OVER

  Eric Idle

  FIRST BUTCH VOICE

  Michael Palin

  SECOND BUTCH VOICE

  Eric Idle

  THIRD BUTCH VOICE

  Terry Jones

  FOURTH BUTCH VOICE

  Graham Cahpman

  FIFTH BUTCH VOICE

  John Cleese

  MISS ROGERS

  Carol Cleveland

  SECOND VOICE OVER

  John Cleese

  * * *

  The sketch:

  1st Voice Over: And now a dormitory in a girls' public school.

  (Noise of female snores. Sound of a window sash being lifted and scrabbling sounds. Padding feet across the dorm.)

  First Butch Voice: Hello, Agnes... Agnes are you awake? Agnes....

  (Sound of waking up. More padding feet.)

  First Butch Voice: Agnes...

  Second Butch Voice: Who is it ... is that you, Charlie?

  First Butch Voice: Yeah... Agnes, where's Jane?

  Third Butch Voice: I'm over here, Charlie.

  First Butch Voice: Jane, we're going down to raid the tuck shop.

  Second Butch Voice: Oh good oh ... count me in, girls.

  First Butch Voice: Can I come, too, Agnes?

  First Butch Voice: Yeah, Joyce.

  Fifth Butch Voice: And me and Avril...

  Third Butch Voice: Yeah, rather... and Suki.

  Fourth Butch Voice: Oh, whacko the diddle-oh.

  First Butch Voice: Cave girls... Here comes Miss Rodgers...

  (Light goes on to reveal a girls' dorm. In the middle of the floor between the beds are two panto geese which run off immediately the light goes on. There is one man in a string vest and short dibley haircut, chest wig, schoolgirl's skirt, white socks and schoolgirl's shoes. Hanging from the middle of the ceiling is a goat with light bulbs hanging from each foot. In the beds are other batch blokes in string vests... and short hair. At the door stands a commando-type Miss Rodgers.)

  Miss Rodgers: All right girls, now stop this tomfoolery and get back to bed, remember it's the big match at St Bridget's tomorrow.

  (Cut to still of one of us in the uniform as described above.)

  SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE NAUGHTlEST GIRL IN THE SCHOOL'

  Voice Over: Yes, on your Screen tomorrow: 'The Naughtlest Girl in the School' starring the'men of the 14th Marine Commandos. (cut to a picture made up of inch-squa
re photos of various topical subjects e.g. Stalin, Churchill, Eden, White Home, atom bomb, map of Western Europe, Gandhi) And now it's documentary time, when we look at the momentous last years of the Second World War, and tonight the invasion of Normandy performed by the girls of Oakdene High School, Upper Fifth Science.

  (Stock film of amphibious craft brought up on a beach. The front of the craft crashes down and fifty soldiers rush out. We hear schoolgirl voices.)

  * * *

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  Submarine

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26

  * * *

  The cast:

  FIRST PEPPERPOT

  Graham Chapman

  SECOND PEPPERPOT

  Eric Idle

  VOICE

  John Cleese

  THIRD PEPPERPOT

  Terry Jones

  FOURTH PEPPERPOT

  Michael Palin

  VOICE OVER

  Eric Idle

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Cut to traditional shot through periscope of ocean, cross-sights scanning the horizon. Submarine-type dramatic noise - motors and asdic. Cut to interior of submarine. A pepperpot looks through the periscope, then looks round at her colleagues.)

  First Pepperpot: Oh, it's still raining.