by Monty Python
Judge: Very sorry!
Randall: Yes, sir. It was a very very bad thing to have done and I'm really very ashamed of myself, I can only say it won't happen again. To have murdered so many people in such a short space of time is really awful, and I really am very, very, very sorry that I did it, and also that I've taken up so much of the court's valuable time listening to the sordid details of these senseless killings of mine. I would particularly like to say, a very personal and sincere 'sorry' to you, m'lud, my lud for my appalling behaviour throughout this trial. I'd also like to say sorry to the police, for putting them to so much trouble (shot of three heavily bandaged exhausted-looking policemen behind him) for the literally hours of work they've had to put in, collecting evidence and identifying corpses and so forth. You know I think sometimes we ought to realize the difficult and often dangerous work involved in tracking down violent criminals like myself and I'd last like them to know that their fine work is at least appreciated by me.
(The policemen look embarrassed.)
First Policeman: No, no, we were only doing our job.
Second Policeman: No, no, no, no.
Randall: It's very good of you to say that, but I know what you've been through.
First Policeman: No, no, we've had worse.
Third Policeman: It was plain sailng apart from the arrest.
Randall: I know and I'm grateful I'd like to apologize too to the prosecuting counsel for dragging him in here morning after morning in such lovely weather.
Counsel: Well, I would have had to come in anyway.
Randall: Ah good, but what a presentation of a case!
Counsel: Oh thank you.
Randall: No, no, it's a privilege to watch you in action. I never had a chance.
Counsel: Oh yes you did.
Randall: Not after that summing up. Great.
Counsel: Oh thank you. (very chuffed)
Randall: And now I must come to the jury. What can I say. I've dragged you in here, day after day, keeping you away from your homes, your jobs, your loved ones, just to hear the private details of my petty atrocities.
Foreman: No, no, 'it was very interesting.
Randall: But you could have had a much nicer case.
Foreman: No, no, murder's much more fun.
First Juryman: Yes and so many of them.
SecondJuryman: Excellent.
Third Juryman: We've had a terrific time. (the jury applauds)
Randall: (blows his nose, does a Dickie Attenborough) I'm sorry, I'm very moved. And so, m'lud, it only remains for you to pass the most savage sentence on me that the law can provide.
Judge: Well er... not necessarily.
Randall: No, m'lud, the full penalty of the law is hardly sufficient, I insist I must be made an example of.
Judge: Well yes and no. I mean society at large...
Randall: Oh no, m'lud. Not with mass murder.
Judge: But in this case, (to court) don't you think?
Court: Yes, yes!
Randall: Oh, come on, m'lud, you've got to give me life.
Court: No, no, no, no.
Randall: (to court at large) Well, ten years at least.
Judge: Ten years!
Court: Shame. Shame!
Randall: Well five then. Be fair.
Judge: No, no. I'm giving you three months.
Randall: Oh no, that's so embarrassing. I won't hear of it. Give me six...please.
Judge: Well, all right. Six months.
Randall: Thank you, m'lud.
Judge: But suspended.
Randall: Oh no.
Court: Hooray. (they applaud)
Foreman: Three cheers for the defendant. Hip. Hip.
Court: Hooray.
Foreman: Hip. Hip.
Court: Hooray.
Foreman: Hip. Hip.
Court: Hooray.
All: For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow
Voice: (off) Which nobody can deny.
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Icelandic Saga
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 27
* * *
The cast:
FIRST VOICE OVER
John Cleese
VIKING
Michael Palin
ANNOUNCER
John Cleese
SECOND VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
THIRD VOICE OVER
Terry Jones
FOURTH VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
MAYOR
Michael Palin
VOICE
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
CAPTION: 'NJORL'S SAGA -- PART II'
(Pan across a bleak landscape.)
1st Voice Over: This little-known Icelandic saga, written by an unknown hand in the late thirteenth century, has remained undiscovered until today. Now it comes to your screens for the first time. Fresh from the leaves of Iceland's history. The terrible 'Njorl's Saga'.
(Cut to Viking.)
Viking: It's not that terrible.
(Cut to landscape. The announcer appears in the comer of the shot.)
Announcer: No, I meant terribly violent.
(Cut to Viking.)
Viking: Oh yeah, yeah.
(A Viking hut. A Viking comes out and has great difficulty mounting his horse.)
2nd Voice Over: Erik Njofi, son of Frothgar, leaves his home to seek Hangar the EIder at the home of Thorvald Nlodvisson, the son of Gudleif, half brother of Thorgier, the priest of Ljosa water, who took to wife Thurunn, the mother of Thorkel Braggart, the slayer of Cudround the powerful, who knew Howal, son of Geernon, son of Erik from Valdalesc, son of Arval Gristlebeard, son of Harken, who killed Bjortguaard in Sochnadale in Norway over Cudreed, daughter of Thorkel Long, the son of Kettle-Trout, the half son of Harviyoun Half-troll, father of Ingbare the Brave, who with Isenbert of Gottenberg the daughter of Hangbard the Fierce ... (fades and continues under:)
3rd Voice Over: I must apologize for an error in the saga. Evidently Thorgier, the Prieit of Ljosa water who took to wife Thurunn, the mother of Thorkel Braggart, the slayer of Gudmund the powerful, who knew Howal, son of Geernon, son of Erik from Vadalesc ... (fades under next speech)
(The Viking has still failed to mount his horse. Both he and the horse look a bit exasperated.)
1st Voice Over: Well I'm afraid we're having a little trouble getting this very exciting Icelandic saga started. If any of you at home have any ideas about how to get this exciting saga started again here's the address to write to:
4th Voice Over: Help the Exciting Icelandic Saga, 18b MacNorten Buildings, Oban.
CAPTION: HELP THE EXCITING ICELANDIC SAGA
C/O MATCH OF THE DAY
BBC TIt
THE LARCHES
26 WESTBROOK AVENUE
FAVERSHAM
KENT
(Cut to an office: the announcer at a desk. At another desk a secretary, applies a deodorant spray to her bust.)
Announcer: (to camera) Hello, well I was the third voice you heard just now. I'm sorry about that terrible mess.
(Cut to the Viking at wheel of car.)
Viking: (MIChAEl) Well it wasn't all that terrible.
(Cut back to the office.)
Announcer: No, no, I meant terrible in the sense of unfortunate.
(Cut to the Viking.)
Viking: Oh.
(Cut back to the office.)
Announcer: Anyway, our plea for assistance has been answered by the North Malden Icelandic Saga Society who've given us some very useful information about the saga and so we carD' on now with 'Njorl's Saga' with our thanks going, once again, to the North Maiden Icelandic Saga Society.
(Cut to the Viking standing by his home. He is asleep.)
2nd Voice Over: Erik Njorl, son of Frothgar rode off into the desolate plain. (the Viking manages to mount the horse; he rides off) Day and night he rode, looking neither
to right nor left. Stopping neither for food nor rest. (shots of Erik riding through a bleak landscape) Twelve days and nights he rode. Through rain and storm. Through wind and snow beyond the enchanted waterfall, (Erik rides past a Watefall) through the elfin glades until he reached his goal. (shot of a modern road sign.' 'North Malden -please drive carefully) He had found the rich and pleasant land beyond the mountains, (shots of Erik riding gently through a modern suburban shopping street) the land where golden streams sang their way through fresh green meadows. Where there were houses and palaces, an excellent swimming pool and one of the most attractive bonus incentive schemes for industrial development in the city. Only fifteen miles from excellent Thames-side docking facilities and within easy reach of the proposed M25. Here it was that Erik Njorl, son of Frothgar, met the mayor. Mr Arthur Huddinut, a local solicitor.
(Erik rides up to the town hall and is met by the mayor.)
Mayor: Welcome to North Malden. (to camera) Yes, everyone is welcome to North Malden, none more so than the businessmen and investors who shape our society of the future. Here at North Malden...
(His voice fades under the following.)
1st Voice Over: And we apologize to viewers of 'Njorl's Saga' who may be confused by some of the references to North Malden. After a frank exchange of views we have agreed to carry on showing this version supplied to us by the North Malden Icelandic Saga Society on the undertaking that future scenes will adhere more closely to the spirit of twelfth-century Iceland.
(Film leader countdown (5, 4, 3. · .) then shot of Erik riding away into bleak landscape.)
2nd Voice Over: With moist eyes, Erik leaves this happy land to return to the harsh uneconomic realities of life in the land of Ljosa waters. On his way Efik rested a while in the land of Bjornsstrand - the land of dark forces, where Gildor was King. (Erik comes to a river in a wood; he drinks) These were the dukes of the land of Bjornsstrand. (sudden shot of six armoured knights standing in a row) Proud warriors who bore on their chests the letters of their dread name.
(The knights move their shields to reveal on their breastplates the letters M.A.L.D.E.N. Shots of Erik battling with the knights. A telephone rings and the following conversation is heard.)
Announcer:'s Voice Hello? Is that the North Malden Icelandic Society?
Voice: Yes, that's right.
Announcer: About this saga.
Voice: Oh yes, the Icelandic saga.
Announcer: Yes.
Voice: Good, isn't it.
Announcer: Well er, I don't know, but you promised us that you would stick to the spirit of the original text.
Voice: Yes, that's right.
Announcer: Well I mean a lot of these things that are happening, well they just don't quite ring true.
(One of the knights is carrying a sign: Malden, Gateway to Industry '.)
Voice: Well, it's a new interpretation really.
(Another carries a sign, 'ICI thanks Malden '.)
Announcer: Well we don't want a new...
FLASH FRAME CAPTION: 'INVEST IN MALDEN'
Announcer: ... I mean we wanted the proper thing... I mean just look what's happening now.
(More signs: 'Invest in Malden ', Malden - 45% Interest Free Loans '.)
Voice: Banners were a very important part of Icelandic lore, Mr Mills.
Announcer: No, no, I'm sorry I, I can't accept that, it's gone too far, I'm very sorry but we'll have to terminate the agreement. You're just trying to cash in on the BBC's exciting Icelandic saga.
(The knights are carrying more and more advertising banners and signs.)
Voice: That's business, Mr Mills.
Announcer: Well, that's as maybe but it's not the way the BBC works.
Voice: Well I'm sorry you feel that way but er, you know, if you ever want to come to Malden...
FLASH CAPTION: 'INVEST IN MALDEN'
(Film leader countdown...5, 4, 3...)
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Court Scene (Viking)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 27
* * *
The cast:
MAN
Graham Chapman
JUDGE
Terry Jones
PROSECUTING COUNSEL
John Cleese
USHER
Eric Idle
SUPERINTENDENT
Graham Chapman
CONSTABLE
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
CAPTION: 'NJORL'S SAGA -- PART III'
(Usual dramatic music. Fade music as we come up on a courtroom. A man, Mr Birchenhall, is giving evidence.)
Man: 8 o'clock is a peak viewing hour so naturally we tend to sack to our comedy output - unless of course there's sport - because of course we know this is popular, and popularity is what television is about. Quite frankly I'm sick and tired of people accusing us of being ratings conscious.
Judge: (to the clerk of the court) Ratings conscious?
Clerk: Transmitting bland garbage, m'lud.
Judge: Thank you.
Man: Now I'm really cheesed off. I mean it's not your high-brow bleeding plays that pull in the viewers, you know.
Judge: (bored) Thank you.
Man: (getting more and more angry) I mean Joe Public doesn't want to sit down and watch three hours of documentaries every evening.
Judge: Thank you.
Man: He wants to sit down and he wants to be entertained, he doesn't want a load... (he is helped out of court by two policemen, still protesting violently) No really - I'm absolutely fed up with this. I really am.
Judge: (banging gavel) Case dismissed.
(The prosecuting counsel rises anxiously.)
Prosecuting Counsel: Case dismissed, m'lud?
Judge: Oh all right, five years.
Prosecuting Counsel: Thank you, m'!ud. (he sits)
Judge: Call the next case please.
Prosecuting Counsel: Call Erik Njorl, son of Frothgar, brother of Hangnor... (etc.).
Clerk: Call Erik Njorl ... (etc.),
Voices: (off) Call Erik Njorl .. , (etc.). (all calling at once)
(Erik comes into the dock. He is bandaged almost totally, like a cocoon, including his head. He wears a Viking fur hat, The usher approaches him with the card and Bible.)
Usher: You are Erik Njorl, son of Frothgar...
Judge: Get on with it!
Usher: Will you raise your right hand.
Judge: He obviously can't raise his right hand, you silly usher person... can you raise your right leg Mr Njorl?
(Njorl shakes his head.)
Usher: Can you raise any part of your body, Mr Njorl?
(Njorl leans over and whispers in the usher's ear.)
Usher: I see... well, we'll skip that... well, just take the book in your right hand Mr Njorl without raising any part of your body... Oh ....
Judge: What is it now, you persistently silly usher?
Usher:, He can't hold the Bible m'lud.
Judge: Well screw the Bible! Let's get on with this bleeding trial, I've got a Gay Lib meeting at 6 o'clock. Superintendent Lufthansa will you please read the charge.
Superintendent: Is a charge strictly necessary, m'lud?
Judge: (heavy aside) The press is here.
Superintendent: Oh sorry! Right, here we go. You are hereby charged. one, that you did, on or about 1126, conspire to publicize a London Borough in the course of a BBC sags; two, that you were willfully and persistently a foreigner; three, that you conspired to do 2 things not normally considered illegal; four, that you were caught , in possession of an offensive weapon, viz. the big brown table down at the police station.
Judge: The big brown table down at the police station?
Superintendent: It's the best we could find, m'lud ... and five... all together now...
(The whole court shout together.)
Court: Assaulting a police officer!
Prosecuting Counsel: Call Polic
e Constable Pan-Am. (Pan-Am runs into court and starts beating Njorl with a truncheon) Into the witness box, constable ... there'll be plenty of time for that later on. (the policeman gets into box hitting at anyone within range; his colleagues restrain him) Now, you are Police Constable Pan-Am?
Constable: No, I shall deny that to the last breath in my body. (superintendent nods) Oh. Sorry, yes.
Prosecuting Counsel: Police constable, do you recognize the defendant?
Constable: No. Never seen him before in my life. (superintendent nods) Oh , yes, yes he's the one. He done it. I'd recognize him anywhere, sorry, super. (the superintendent has the grace to look embarrassed)
Prosecuting Counsel: Constable, will you please tell the court in your . own words what happened?
Constable: Oh yes! (refers to his notebook) I was proceeding in a northerly direction up Alitalia Street when I saw the deceased (points at Njorl) standing at an upstairs window, baring her bosom at the general public. She then.took off her ... wait a tick. Wrong story. (refers to his notebook) Ho yes! There were three nuns in a railway compartment and the ticket inspector says to one of them. (the superintendent shakes his head) No, anyway I clearly saw the deceased...
Clerk: Defendant.
Constable: Defendant! Sorry. Sorry, super. I clearly saw the defendant ... doing whatever he's accused of Red handed. When kicked... he said: 'It's a fair ... cop, I done it all ... Right... no doubt about... that'. Then, bound as he was to the chair, he assaulted myself and three other consubles while bouncing around the cea. The end.
(Spontaneous applause from the court. Shouts of more! more!. Pan-am raises his hands and the clapping and shouting dies down.)
Constable: Thank you, thank you... and for my next piece of evidence...
Superintendent: I think you'd better leave it there, constable.
Prosecuting Counsel: Excellent evidence, constable (the constable is removed, flailing his truncheon the while) ... Thank you very much. Now then Mr Njofi, will you tell the court please where were you on the night of 1126? (silence from the bandages) Move any part of your body if you were north of a line from the Humbet to the Mersey. (silence)
