Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 78
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Kamikaze Scotsman
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 38
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The cast:
JEREMY
Michael Palin
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
SCOTS SOLDIER
Michael Palin
SECOND SOLDIER
Eric Idle
R.S.M.
Terry Jones
CAPTAIN
John Cleese
MAN
Michael Palin
RECEPTIONIST
Carol Cleveland
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The sketch:
(We sse Edinburgh Castle at dusk. The lone piper is silhouetted against the crimson-streaked sky.)
Jeremy: (voice over) The lone piper on the battlements of Edinburgh 'Castle...
(There are a few bars of bagpipe music. Suddenly there is a scream and he disappears. Cut to interior of stone-walled guardroom inside Edinburgh Castle. Ten kilted Scottish guardsmen with bagpipes in a line. A sergeant major at the door taps one on the shoulder.)
RSM: Next!
(The next goes outside. We hear pipes start, the sergeant smiles. Cut to castle battlements. The piper plays and then jumps off We hear the scream as before. Another piper emerges and goes through the same routine.)
Voice Over: (Scottish accent) Here on top of Edinburgh Castle, in conditions of extreme secrecy, men are being trained for the British Army's first Kamikaze Regiment, the Queen's Own McKamikaze Highlanders. (there is a scream and a piper jumps off, another one emerges and starts to play) So successful has been the training of the Kamikaze Regiment that the numbers have dwindled from 30,000 to just over a dozen in three weeks. What makes these young Scotsmen so keen to kill themselves?
(Close ups of soldiers.)
Scots Soldier: The money's good!
Second Soldier: And the water skiing! (he falls down with a scream)
(Cut to interior of the guardroom in Edinburgh Castle. As before, but with only six men left plus the sergeant major. Bagpipes and a scream. The sergeant major dispatches another man. A captain enters. Bagpipes again.)
RSM: Ten-shun,
Captain: All right, sergeant major. At ease. Now, how many chaps have you got left,?
RSM: Six, sir,
Captain: Six? (there is a scream)
RSM: Five, sir. (to another highlander carrying bagpipes) Good luck, Johnson. (Johnson leaves)
Captain: Jolly good show, sergeant maior. (we hear bagpipes starting up outside) Well, I've come to tell you that we've got a job for your five lads.
(There is a scream.)
RSM: Four, sir.
Captain: For your four lads.
RSM: (whispering to another man) Good luck, Taggart.
Taggart: Thank you, sarge. (he goes)
Captain: (looking rather uncertainly at the man leaving) Now this mission's going to be dangerous, (bagpipes start) and it's going to be tough, and we're going to need every lad of yours to pull his weight. (the usual scream in the background) Now, which ... er ... which four are they?
RSM: These three here, sir. OK. Off you go, Smith.
Smith: (with manic eagerness) Right! (he charges out through door before captain can stop him)
Captain: (with mounting concern) ... er ... sergeant major!
RSM: Yes, sir? (bagpipes start outside)
Captain: You don't think it might be a good idea... er... to stop the training programme for a little bit?
RSM: They got to be trained, sir. It's a dangerous job.
Captain: Yes ... I know... but... er ... (the usual scream)
RSM: All right MacPherson, you're next, off you go.
Captain: You see what is worrying me, sergeant major, is... MacPherson I'll make it a gud'un, sir! (he dashes off)
RSM: Good luck, MacPherson.
Captain: Er... MacPherson... (the bagpipes start up) only this mission really is very dangerous. We're going to need both the chaps that you've got left (scream)
RSM: Both of who, sir?
Captain: Sergeant major, what's this man's name?
RSM: This one sir? This one is MacDonald, sir.
Captain: No, no, no, no. (the captain stops MacDonald who is straining quite hard to get away) Hang on to MacDonald, sergeant major, hang on to him.
RSM: I don't know whether I can, sir... (MacDonald's eyes are staring in a strange way) he's in a sute of Itsubishi Kyoko McSayonara.
Captain: What's that?
(They am both struggling to restrain MacDonald.)
RSM: It's the fifth state that a Scotsman can achieve, sir. He's got to finish himself off by lunchtime or he thinks he's let down the Emperor, sir.
Captain: Well, can't we get him out of it?
RSM: Oh, I dunno how to, sir. Our Kamikaze instructor, Mr Yashimoto, was so good he never left Tokyo airport.
Captain: Well, there must be someone else who can advise us?
(Exterior of smart London health-salon-type frontage. A big sign reads 'Kamikaze Advice Centre '. A bowler-hatred man enters. A receptionist sits behind a posh desk.)
Man: (very businesslike) Good morning, Kamikaze, please.
Receptionist: (indicating door) Yes, would you go through, please?
Man: Thank you.
(The man walks over to the door, opens it, walks through and disappears from sight. There is nothing but sky and clouds through the door. Scream. Cut back to castle guardroom.......sketch continues with 'No Time To Lose')
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No Time To Lose
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 38
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The cast:
R.S.M.
Terry Jones
CAPTAIN
John Cleese
CONSULTANT
Eric Idle
MAN
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Sketch continues from 'Kamikaze Scotsman' Cut bad~ to castle guardroom.)
Captain: Right, sergeant maior - there's no time to lose.
(The sergeant is sitting on ,MacDonald. He strikes him on head.)
RSM: Beg pardon, sir?
Captain: No tirne to lose.
RSM: No what, sir?
Captain: No time ... no time to lose.
RSM: Oh, I see, sir. (making gestures) No time ... to ... lose!!
Captain: Yes, that's right, yes.
RSM: Yes, no time to lose, sir!
Captain: Right.
RSM: Isn't that funny, sir... I've never come across that phrase before - 'no time to lose'. Forty-two years I've been in the regular army and I've never heard that phrase.
Captain: Well, it's in perfectly common parlance.
RSM: In what, sir?
Captain: Oh never mind... right ... no time to lose.
RSM: Eventually, yes, sir.
Captain: What?
RSM: Like you say, sir. We'll be able to make time, eventually without to lose, sir, no.
Captain: Look, I don't think you've quite got the hang of this phrase, sergeant major.
(The same frontage of smart London salon as before. Only this time the big sign reads 'No Time To Lose Advice Centre'. The same bowler-hatted man goes in. The same interior, same desk. A consultant sits behind it, and motions for the man to sit down.)
Consultant: Morning, no time to lose ... (he picks up a card which reads 'no time to lose'; he keeps flashing it every so often) Now then, how were you thinking of using the phrase?
(He pulls down a blind behind him on the right which also reads 'no time to lose' in large letters. He lets it go and it rolls up again fast.)
Man: Well, I was thinking of using it ... er .. like .., well ... good morning dear, what is in no time to lose?
Consultant: Er yes ... well ... you've not quite got the hang of that, have you.
(He gets out a two-foot-s
quare cube with 'no time to lose' in the same lettering as it always is, and puts it on the desk. He points to this in a manic way with a forefinger. He has the words 'no time to lose' on the back of his hand.)
Consultant: (sings) No time to lose, no time to lose, no time to lose, no time to lose. (to stop the manic fit he reaches inside desk, pours a drink from a bottle on which is written 'no time to lose) Now, you want to use this phrase in everyday conversation, is that right?
Man: Yes, that's right.
Consultant: Yes ... good ...
(He stands up, makes a strange noise, and flings the back of his jacket up over his head revealing 'no time to lose' written on the inside of the back lining of his jacket, upside down so that it is the right way up when it is revealed.)
Man: You see my wife and I have never had a great deal to say to each other ... (tragic, heart-rending music creeps in under the dialogue) In the old days we used to find things to say, like 'pass the sugar'... or, 'that's my flannel', but in the last ten or fifteen years there just hasn't seemed to be anything to say, and anyway I saw your phrase advertised in the paper and I thought, that's the kind of thing I'd like to say to her...
(The consultant pushes down a handle and a large screen comes up in front of him. On it is written 'no time to lose'. He burts through the paper.)
Consultant: Yes, well, what we normally suggest for a beginner such as yourself, is that you put your alarm clock back ten minutes in the morning, so you can wake up, look at the clock and use the phrase immediately. (he holds up the card briefly) Shall we try it?
Man: Yes.
Consultant: All right - I'll be the alarm clock. When I go off, look at me and use the phrase, OK? (ticks then imitates ringing)
Man: No! Time to lose!
Consultant: No... No time to lose.
Man: No time to lose?
Consultant: No time to lose.
Man: No time to lose.
Consultant: No - to lose... like Toulouse in France. No time Toulouse.
Man: No time too lose...
Consultant: No time Toulouse.
Man: No time Toulouse...
Consultant: Not - no time to loser
Man: No - no time to lose!
(ANIMATION: Toulouse-Lautrec in a wild-west gunfight.)
Voice Over: No-time Toulouse. The story of the wild and lawless days of the post-Impressionists.
(Cut back to the guardroom at Edinburgh Castle. MacDonald is edging towards the window.)
Captain: Anyway, no time to lose, sergeant major.
RSM: Look out, sir! MacDonald!
(They both rush to window and grab MacDonald's legs as he disappears through it.)
RSM: We'll have to hurry, sir. (they haul him back into the room to reveal he is carrying a saw with which he starts trying to saw off his head) No, put that down MacDonald. (he snatches the saw and throws it away) He's reached the sixth plane already, sir.
Captain: Right, here are the plans sergeant major, good luck.
RSM: Thank you, sir. (he salutes)
(MacDonald is by now trying to strangle himself with his bare hands.)
Captain: And good luck to you, MacDonald.
(MacDonald breaks off from strangling himself, to offer a snappy salute.)
MacDonald: Thank you, sir.
(He immediately snaps back into trying to strangle himself.)
RSM: Right you are, MacDonald. No time to lose.
Captain: Very good, sergeant major.
(Quick cut to the consultant in the office.)
Consultant: Yes, excellent...
(Cut back to the gates of Edinburgh Castle. Dawn. Music. As the voice starts the gates open and a lorry emerges.)
Voice Over: So it was that on a cold January morning, RSM Urdoch and Sapper MacDonald, one of the most highly trained Kamikaze experts the Scottish Highlands have ever witnessed, left on a mission which was to... oh I can't go on with this drivel.
(By this time we have cut to a close up of the cab to show RSM Urdoch at the wheel, with MacDonald beside him. MacDonald has a revolver and is apparently having an unsuccessful game of Russian roulette.)
RSM: All right, MacDonald, no time to lose.
(Suddenly MacDonald hurls himself out of the lorry.)
MacDonald: Aaaaaaugh!
(The RSM slams the brakes on. Skidding noises. Cut to shot of the lorry skidding to a halt. The RSM leaps out, picks up MacDonald who is lying on the floor hitting himself, and loads him into the back of the lorry. He gets back into the lorry and they start off again. They haven't gone more than a few yards before we see MacDonald leap out of the back of the lorry, race round to the front and throw himself down in front of the lorry. The lorry runs right over him. He picks himself up after it has gone, races up to the front and tries it again... and again... and again... and again... and again... Cut to the captain, standing in front of a huge map. He points with a stick.)
Captain: Well, that's the mission - now here's the method. RSM Urdoch will lull the enemy into a false sense of security by giving them large quantifies of money, a good home, and a steady job. Then, when they're upstairs with the wife, Sapper MacDonald will hurl himself at the secret documents, destroying them and himself. Well, that's the plan, the time is now 19.42 hours. I want you to get to bed, have a' good night's rest and be up on parade early in the morning. Thank you for listening and thank you for a lovely supper.
(Pull out to reveal that he is in a very small sitting room, alone apart from his wife who sits knitting by the fire not listening to a word he's saying.)
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Penguins (inc BBC Programme Planners)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 38
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The cast:
PRESENTER
John Cleese
SCIENTIST
Graham Chapman
PEACHES
Michael Palin
DR. LEWIS HOAD
Eric Idle
PROFESSOR
Terry Jones
SWEDISH PERSON
Eric Idle
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Cut to stock film of penguins.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTIONS:
'FRONTIERS OF MEDICINE PART 2'
'THE GATHERING STORM'
(Cut to presenter at desk.)
Presenter: Penguins, yes, penguins. What relevance do penguins have to the furtherance of medical science? Well, strangely enough quite a lot, a major breakthrough, maybe. It was from such an unlikely beginning as an unwanted fungus accidentally growing on a sterile plate that Sir Alexander Fleming gave the world penicillin. James Watt watched an ordinary household kettle boiling and conceived the potentiality of steam power. Would Albert Einstein ever have hit upon the theory of relativity if he hadn't been clever? All these tremendous leaps forward have been taken in the dark. Would Rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn't tried? Could Marconi have invented the radio if he hadn't by pure chance spent years working at the problem? Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved except by years and years of unremitting study? Of course not. What I said earlier about accidental discoveries must have been wrong. Nevertheless scientists believe that these penguins, these comic flightless web-footed little bastards may finally unwittingly help man to fathom the uncharted depths of the human mind. Professor Rosewall of the Laver Institute.
(A scientist with tennis courts in the background. He wears a white coat.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'PROF. KEN ROSEWALL'
Scientist: (Australian accent) Hello. Here at the Institute Professor Charles Pasarell, Dr Peaches Bartkowicz and myself have been working on the theory originally postulated by the late Dr Kramer that the penguin is intrinsically more intelligent than the human being.
(He moves over to a large diagram which is being held by two tennis players in full tennis kit but wean'ng the brown coats of ordina
ry laboratory technicians. The diagram shows a penguin and a man in correct proportional size with their comparative brain capanative marked out clearly showing the man's to be much larger than the penguin 's.)
Scientist: The tirst thing that Dr Kramer came up with was that the penguin has a much smaller brain than the man. This postulate formed the fundamental basis of all his thinking and remained with him until his death.
(Flash cut of elderly man in tennis shirt and green eye shade getting an arrow in the head. Cut back to the scientist now with diagram behind him. It shows a man and a six foot penguin.)
Scientist: Now we've taken this theory one stage further. If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as the man and then compare the relative brain size, we now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it was.
(Very quick cut of tennis crowd going 'oh' and applauding. Dr Peaches Bartkowicz standing by tennis net.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'DR PEACHES BARTKOWICZ'
Peaches: For a penguin to have the same size of brain as a man the penguin would have to be over sixty-six feet high.
(She moves to the left and comes upon a cubout of the lower visible part of a sixty-six feet high penguin. She looks up at it. Cut back to the scientist.)
Scientist: This theory has become known as the waste of time theory and was abandoned in 1956. (slight edit with jump visible) Hello again. Standard IQ. tests gave the following results. The penguins scored badly when compared with primitive human sub-groups like the bushmen of the Kalahari but better than BBC programme planners. (he refers to graph decorated with little racquets which shows bushmen with 23, penguins with 13 and BBC planners' with 8) The BBC programme planners surprisingly high total here can be explained away as being within the ordinary limits of statistical error. One particularly dim programme planner can cock the whole thing up.