by Monty Python
We see a darkened bedroom. The light is suddenly switched on. We see two men in bed together.
Dickie
Are you there in Bristol, Arthur Briggs...?
Briggs (Michael)
(terrified) Oh, my God! (pulls a sheet over the other man )
Cut back to Dickie.
Dickie
And now for the moment you've all been waiting for...
CAPTION: The End
Dickie
No, not that moment. Although that moment is not coming, in a moment. The moment I'm talking about is the moment when we present the award for the cast with the most awards award, and this year is no exception. Ladies and gentlemen will you join me and welcome please, the winners of this year's Mountbatten trophy, Showbusiness's highest accolade, the cast of the Dirty Vicar sketch.
The cast enter to applause and stately music, shake hands in turn with the Dummy Princess Margaret and collect the award, shake hands with Dickie and then line up behind him.
Dickie
Well, now let us see the performances which brought them this award. Let us see the Dirty Vicar Sketch.
Link to next sketch... in TV Series
* * *
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The Dirty Vicar Sketch
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 39
* * *
The sketch:
Cut to two ladies taking tea in an Edwardian drawing room.
First Lady (Carol)
have you seen Lady Windermere's new carriage, dear?
Second Lady (Caron Garden)
Absolutely enchanting!
First Lady
Isn't it!
Chivers the butler enters.
Chivers (Graham)
The new vicar to see you, m'lady.
First Lady
Ah, send him in, Chivers.
Chivers
Certainly, m'lady. (he goes)
Enter a Swiss mountaineer in Tyrolean hat, lederhosen, haversack, icepick, etc. Followed by two men in evening dress. They look round and exit.
First Lady
Now, how is your tea, dear? A little more water perhaps?
Second Lady
Thank you. It is delightful as it is.
Chivers
The Reverend Ronald Simms, the Dirty Vicar of St Michael's ... ooh!
Chivers is obviously goosed from behind by the Dirty Vicar.
Vicar (Terry J.)
Cor, what a lovely bit of stuff. I'd like to get my fingers around those knockers.
He pounces upon the second lady, throws her skirt over her head and pushes her over the back of the sofa, then rolls around on top of her.
First Lady
How do you find the vicarage?
The vicar stands up from behind the sofa, his shirt open and his hair awry; he reaches over and puts his hand down the first lady's front.
Vicar
I like tits!
First Lady
Oh vicar! vicar!
The vicar suddenly pulls back and looks around him as if in the horror of dawning realisation.
Vicar
Oh my goodness. I do beg your pardon. How dreadful! The first day in my new parish, I completely ... so sorry!
First Lady
(adjusting her dress) Yes. Never mind, never mind. Chivers -- send Mary in with a new gown, will you?
The second lady struggles to her feet from behind the couch, completely disheveled. Her own gown completely ripped open.
Chivers
Certainly, m'lady.
Vicar
(to the second lady) I do beg your pardon ... I must sit down.
First Lady
As I was saying, how do you find the new vicarage?
They take their seats on the couch.
Vicar
Oh yes, certainly, yes indeed, I find the grounds delightful, and the servants most attentive and particularly the little serving maid with the great big knockers, and when she gets going...
He throws himself on the hostess across the tea table, knocking it over and they disappear over the back of the hostess's chair. Grunts etc. Enter Dickie applauding. Also, we hear audience applause.
Dickie (Eric)
Well, there we are, another year has been too soon alas ended and I think none more than myself can be happier at this time than I ... am.
The cast of the sketch stand in a line at the back, looking awkward and smiling. Fade out.
* * *
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SERIES FOUR
FORTY - Titled: "The Golden Age of Ballooning" and released on 31st October 1974
Montgolfier Brothers
Louis XIV
George III
Norwegian Party Political Broadcast
Zeppelin
FORTY-ONE - Titled: "Michael Ellis" and released on 7th November 1974
Department Store
Buying an Ant
At Home with the Ant and Other Pets
Documentary on Ants
Ant Complaints
Poetry Reading (Ants)
Toupee Department
Different Endings
FORTY-TWO - Titled: "Light Entertainment War" and released on 14th November 1974
'Up Your Pavement'
The Banter Sketch
Trivializing the War
Courtmartial (Basingstoke in Westphalia)
'Anything Goes In' (song)
Film Trailer
The Public Are Idiots
Programme Titles Conference
The Last Five Miles of the M2
Woody and Tinny Words
Show-jumping (musical)
Newsflash (Germans)
'When Does a Dream Begin?' (song)
FORTY-THREE - Titled: "Hamlet" and released on 21st November 1974
Bogus Psychiatrists
'Nationwide'
Police Helmets
Father-in-law
Hamlet and Ophelia
Boxing Match Aftermath
Boxing Commentary
Piston Engine (a Bargain)
A Room in Polonius' House
Dentists (Live from Epsom)
Jockey Interviews
Queen Victoria Handicap
FORTY-FOUR - Titled: "Mr. Neutron" and released on 28th November 1974
Post Box Ceremony
Mr Neutron
Mr Neutron is missing
Teddy Salad (CIA Agent)
Mr Neutron is still missing
Mr Neutron is found
'Conjuring Today'
FORTY-FIVE - Titled: "Party Political Broadcast" and released on 5th December 1974
'Most Awful Family in Britain'
Icelandic Honey Week
A Doctor Whose Patients Are Stabbed by His Nurse
Brigadier and Bishop
Appeal on Behalf of Extremely Rich People
The Man Who Finishes Other People's Sentences
The Walking Tree of Dahomey (with David Attenborough)
The Batsmen of the Kalahari
Cricket Match (Assegais)
BBC News (Handovers)
back
The Golden Age of Ballooning: Montgolfier Brothers
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 40
* * *
The cast:
PLUMBER
Michael Palin
JACQUES
Eric Idle
JOSEPH
Terry Jones
BUTLER
Graham Chapman
VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman
ANTOINETTE
Carol Cleveland
* * *
The sketch:
(Animation of balloons ascending.)
CAPTION: 'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'
CAPTION: 'THE BEGINNINGS'
(Cut to a suburban bathroom. A plumber with a bag of tools open beside him is doing an elaborate repair on the toilet. He is in rather an awkward position
.)
Plumber: (working away) The Golden Age of Ballooning can be said to begin in 1783 ... when the Montgolfier brothers made their first ascent in a fire balloon. On the eve of that ... (struggling with the work) come on... come on... momentous ascent, the brothers took one last look at their craft, as it stood on the field of Annencay.
(Pleasant elegant eighteenth-century music. Mix to a French small country-house inten'or. At the window Joseph and Jacques Montgolfier are looking out at their balloon. In the background a plumber is working. away at a bit of eighteenth-century French piping.)
Jacques: This is a great moment for us, Joseph.
Joseph: It is a great moment for France.
Jacques: Ah, oui!
Joseph: First ascent in a hot-air balloon, by the Montgolfier brothers - 1783 .. · I can see us now... just after Montesquieu and just before Mozart.
Jacques: I think I'll go and wash ...
Joseph: Good luck.
Jacques: Oh ... it's quite easy, really ... I just slap a little water on my face, then...
Joseph: No... good luck for tomorrow.
Jacques: Oh I see, yes. You too. Yours has been the work.
Joseph: Let us hope for a safe ascent... and don't use my flannel.
Jacques: You know, when you showed me the plans in Paris, I could not believe that we should be the first men who would fly.
Joseph: Yes ... it's wonderful.
Jacques: I am so excited I could hardly wash.
Joseph: Yes ... I too have had some difficulty washing these past few days.
Jacques: Still, what is washing when we are on the verge of a great scientific breakthrough?
Joseph: Jacques...
Jacques: Yes, Joseph...
Joseph: I have not been washing very thoroughly for many years now.
Jacques: What do you mean? You must have been washing your face?
Joseph: Oh yes, my face, I wash my face... but my legs... my stomach ... my chest, they're filthy.
Jacques: Well, I don't wash my stomach every day.
Joseph: (with increasing self-remorse) Ah, but you wash far more than me ... you are the cleaner of the Montgolfier brothers.
Jacques: This is nothing, Joseph...
(A very formal butler enters.)
Buffer: Monsieur Montgolfier..' A Mr Parfitt to see you, sir.
(A head appears round the door and corrects the butler, in a very stage whisper.)
Mr Bartlett: No, no... no... Bartlett! (the head disappears again)
Buffer: A Mr Barklit, to see you, sir.
Mr Bartlett: No! Bartlett with a 't'. (the head disappears again)
Buffer: (with di'icul'y) Barr ... at ... elett ... to see you, sir.
Mr Bartlett: Bartlett (he disappears again)
Buffer: Barkit...
Mr Bartlett: Bartlett!
Buffer: Baffle... Bartlett... A Mr Bartlett to see you, sir·
Joseph: I don't want to see anyone, O'Toole... tell him to go away.
Buffer: Thank you, sir. (he exits)
Jacques: Well, it's getting late. I must go and have a wash.
Joseph: What will you be washing?
Jacques: Oh ... just my face and neck ... perhaps my feet... and possibly ... but no ... no ... lock up the plans, Joseph... tomorrow they will make us the toast of France. 'The first ascent by the Montgolfier brothers in a balloon'. Just after Ballcock and just before Bang... what a position!
(Some men have now entered the room, chosen a spot and are briskly but quietly setting up a screen and a projector, The projector is turned on and a film comes up on the screen together with triumphant music, applause and commentary. We zoom in to the screen. It shows an animation of two naleed men boxing in a large tub of water.)
Voice Over: So, on June 7th, 1783, the Montgolfier brothers had a really good wash ... starting on his face and arms, Joseph Michael Montgolfier went on to scrub his torso, his legs and his naughty bits, before rinsing his whole body. That June night, he and his brother between them washed seventeen square feet of body area. They used a kilo and a half of catholic soap and nearly fourteen gallons of nice hot water. It was indeed an impressive sight.
(Music crescendo.)
CAPTION: 'THE END'
(Picture of a balloon. Cut to BBC2 logo)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'.
Voice Over: Next week on 'The Golden Age of Ballooning', we examine the work of Girlsher and Coxwell, the English balloonists who ascended to a height of seven miles in 1862 without washing. There is also a book called 'The Golden Age of Ballooning' published by the BBC to coincide with the series. It's in an attractive hand-tooled binding, is priced L5 and failure to buy it will make you liable to a £5o fine or three months' imprisonment. There's also a record of someone reading the book of 'The Golden Age of Ballooning', a crochet-work bedspread with the words 'The Golden Age of Ballooning' on it, available from the BBC, price £18 (or five months' imprisonment) and there are matching toilet-seat covers and courtesy mats with illustrations of many of the baboons mentioned. Also available is a life-size model frog which croaks the words 'The Golden Age of Ballooning' and an attractive bakelite case for storing motorway construction plans in, made in the shape of a balloon. And now, another chance to see a repeat of this morning's re-run of last night's second showing of episode 'two of the award-winning series 'The Golden Age of Ballooning'.
(ANIMATION: balloons ascending as before.)
CAPTION: 'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'
CAPTION: 'EPISODE TWO: THE MONTGOLFIER BROTHERS IN LOVE'>
CAPTION: 'NOT WITH EACH OTHER, OBVIOUSLY'
(Joseph Montgolfier's workshop. We see plans and drawing boards, and at one end of the room, Joseph's fiancee, Antoinette, in a pretty dress. She is hanging suspended in a harness horizontally, attached to a gas bag. In other words she is floating like the bottom half of an airship. Joseph is making calculations excitedly. Occasionally he goes over to her, takes a measurement and goes back to his desk to write it down.)
Antoinette: Oh Joseph, all you think about is baboons... all you talk about is balloons. Your beautiful house is fun of bits and pieces of balloons... your books are all about balloons... every time you sing a song, it is in some way obliquely connected with balloons... everything you eat has to have 'balloon' incorporated in the title... your dogs are canned 'balloonno'... you tie balloons to your ankles in the evenings.
Joseph: I don't do that!
Antoinette: Well, no, you don't do that, but you do duck down and shout 'Hey! Balloons!' when there are none about. Your whole life is becoming obsessively balloonic, you know. Why do I have to hang from this bloody gas bag all day? Don't I mean anything to you?
Joseph: (busy measuring) Oh ma cherie, you mean more to me than any heavier than air dirigible could ever...
Antoinette: Oh there you go again!
Joseph: Don't waggle!
(Jacques enters.)
Jacques: I've run your bath for you, Joseph. (he sees Antoinette) Oh... I'm so sorry, I didn't realize.
Joseph: It's all right, we've done the difficult bit.
Jacques: Well, don't forget we have our special guest coming this evening.
Joseph: Oh?
Jacques: Don't tell me you have forgotten already. The man who is giving us thousands of francs for our experiments.
Joseph: What man?
Jacques: Louis XIV!
Joseph: Isn't he dead?
Jacques: Evidently not...
Joseph: All right, I'll be round.
Jacques: Oh, and Joseph...
Joseph: Yes, Jacques?
Jacques: You will... wash... won't you?
Joseph: Yes, of course!
CAPTION: 'LATER THAT EVENING'
(Cotinued...)
* * *
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The Golden Age of Balloning: Louis XIV
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 40
* * *
The cast:
JACQUES
Eric Idle
JOSEPH
Terry Jones
BUTLER
Graham Chapman
LOUIS XIV
Michael Palin
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
SIR DIVIDENDS
Graham Chapman
PRESENTER
Michael Palin
LORD INTEREST
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Sketch is a continuation of 'Montgolfier Brothers' Sketch. Fade up on the Montgolfitrs' sitting room. Jacques sits there rather nervously. The plumber is working away. The door opens and the butler appears.)
Butler: His Royal Majesty, Louis XIV of France.
(Mr Bartlett's head pops in and whispers loudly to butler.)
Mr Bartlett: And Mr Bartlett.
(The butler pushes him aside. Fanfare. Enter Louis XIV and two tough-looking advisers. He is resplendent in state robes.)
Jacques: Your Majesty. It's a great privilege. Welcome to our humble abode.
Louis: (in very broad Glaswegian accent) It's er... very nice to be here.
Jaques: (calling) O'Toole.
Butler: Sir?
Jacques: Claret for His Majesty please.
Butler: There's a Mr Barttett outside again, sir.
Jacques: Not now, I can't see him, we have the King of France here.
Butler: Yes, sir.
(He exits. Jacques and the king stand in rather embarrassed silence. Jacques eventually speaks.)
