by Monty Python
Jacques: Your Majesty. You had a pleasant journey, I trust?
Louis: Yes... yes, oh definitely... yes... yes. Oh aye, aye.
(Silence.)
Jacques: You have come from Paris?
Louis: Where?
Jacques: From Paris... you have travelled from Paris?
Louis: Oh yes, we've come from Paris... yes... yes, yes, we've just come from... er... Paris... yes.
(The butler comes back in.)
Butler: Sir?
Jacques: Yes, O'Toole?
Butler: Which one is the claret, sir?
Jacques: The claret is in the decanter.
Butler: The wooden thing?
Jacques: No no... the glass thing... the glass decanter with the round glass stopper.
Butler: Oh yes, behind the door.
Jacques: No no... on the sideboard.
Butler: The sideboard?
Jacques: The sideboard... yes. Look... you go into the salle a manger ... the dining room, right? - and the sideboard is on your left, by the wall, beside the master's portrait.
Butler: Ah! Above the mirror, sir?
Jacques: No! No! The mirror is on the other side. It's opposite the mirror.
Butler: But that's the table, sir.
Jacques: No... you don't go as far as the table. You go into the room, right?... on your right is the door to the orangery, straight ahead of you is the door to the library, and to your left is the sideboard.
Butler: Ah, yes, I see, sir...
Jacques: And the claret is on top of the sideboard, to the left.
Butler: On the left.
Jacques: Yes...
Butler: As one looks at it, sir?
Jacques: Yes.
Butler: I see, sir, thank you. (he turns to go)
Jacques: O'Toole.
Butler: Yes, sir.
Jacques: Will you please tell Monsieur Joseph our guest is here.
Butler: Yes, sir.
(He leaves. There is another embarrassed silence.)
Jacques: I'm sorry about that, Your Majesty.
Butler: (re-entering) Apparently, sir, there is a plan to build a canal between the two Egyptian towns of..,
Jacques: Not now, O'Toole!
(The butler exits. More silence.)
Louis: Well... er... Mr Montgolfier... let's not beat around the bush ... my... dukes and I are very busy men. What we'd like to do is see the plans of your proposed balloon... if that's at all possible.
Jacques: Certainly, Your Majesty... I have them here ready prepared.
Louis: Oh, great .... hen... what we would like to do ... is er... to take them back wi'us for the Royal Archives of er...
First Duke: (also Glaswegian) France.
Louis: France, aye.
Jacques: Well, it is indeed a great honour Your Majesty, that I cannot refuse.
Louis: Rightl OK! Let's get 'em.
(He and his two dukes are suddenly galvanized into action. They are about to grab the plans when Joseph enters, clad only in a towel and rather silly bath hat.)
Joseph: Just a moment!
Jacques: Joseph!
Joseph: (indicating the king) This man is not Louis XIV!
Jacques: Joseph Are you out of your mind!
Joseph: I've been looking it up in my bath. Louis XIV died in 1717. It's now 1783! Answer me that!
Louis: Did I say Louis XIV? Oh, sorry, I meant Louis XV... Louis XV.
Joseph: He died in 1774!
(Louis, getting rather hot and angry, comes over to Joseph belligerently.)
Louis: All right, Louis XVI!... listen to me, smart arse, when you're King of France,... you've got better things ,to do than go around all day remembering your bloody number.
(Putting his face very close to Joseph's. He butts him sharply and viciously on the bridge of the nose with his forehead in the time-honoured Glaswegian way.)
Joseph: Aaaaaarh!
(He reels away, clutching his nose in agony. Louis approaches Jacques, equally belligerently.)
Louis: Right! You want to argue about numbers?
Jacques: Er... no, no.
Louis: Right, well... lees get hold of the plans for the Royal Archives. We've got to get back to... er...
First Duke: Paris.
Louis: Paris by tonight so get a move on..
Joseph: Aaaargh! Ow! Ooooohh!
(The butler reappears.)
Butler: I got as far as the sideboard, sir...
(Louis and his dukes grab the plans and push past the butler and across to an open window. There is a bit of a scuffle at the window as they are clambering out at the same time as two men in black with a projector and screen are clambering in.)
Joseph: Stop them... oh! Ah... oooooohh!
Butler: (to Jacques) No news on the canal I'm afraid, sir, but apparently in India they're thinking of building a railway between the towns of Lahore...
Joseph: Stop... ow! Stop them, O'Toole for... oh! shit! God's sake... stop them, they've got the plans! (he rushes to the window)
(By now the men in black have set up the screen. On the screen comes film of Louis and his men racing through the gardens away from the Montgolfier' s home.)
Voice Over: Will Louis XVI get away with the Montgolfiers' precious plans? Is sixteen years of work to be stolen by this suspect sovereign? Is France really in the grip of a Glaswegian monarch? Watch next week's episode of 'The Golden Age of Ballooning'... Now!
(Cut to animation titles as before. Music.)
CAPTION: 'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'
CAPTION: 'EPISODE THREE: THE GREAT DAY FOR FRANCE'
(Cut to a TV discussion in progress. An Urgent, impressive current affairs show called 'Derision '. Two opulent-looking men and a presenter.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'SIR CHARLES DIVIDENDS'
Sir Dividends: ... But now that the Government has collapsed ... and shown itself incapable of providing any son of unifying force, I feel we do need the stability and the breathing space that a military presence would provide.
Presenter: Lord Interest?
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'LORD INTEREST'
Lord Interest: Oh yes... I agree that the army should take over, but I think it should not interfere with the programme of street executions, which I feel have been the shot in the arm that the British economy so desperately needed.
(As they drone on, the presenter turns away from them to talk softly into the camera.)
Presenter: The Montgolfier brothers' plans did indeed turn up... six months later, and a long way from Paris, at the court of King George III of England.
(Continued...)
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The Golden Age of Ballooning : George III
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 40
* * *
The cast:
READER
Eric Idle
GEORGE III
Graham Chapman
LORD NORTH
Terry Jones
LOUIS XIV
Michael Palin
DR. HAMER
Terry Gilliam
ANTOINETTE
Carol Cleveland
JACQUES
Eric Idle
JOSEPH
Terry Jones
FIRST VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
SECOND VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Sketch is a continuation of '"Louis XIV' Sketch. Cut to a throne room. George III is being read to by an adviser.)
CAPTION: 'THE COURT OF GEORGE III, 1781'
Reader: ... Titty was very worried. Where could Mary be? He looked everywhere. Under the stones and behind the bushes... and Mr Squirrel helped him by looking up in the trees, and Mr Badger helped him by looking under the ground...
(There is a knock on the door. George III looks up quickly. The reader, with obviously well practiced skill, shuts the book, slips it beneath another book which he opens and car
ries on reading.)
Reader: ... and so, Your Majesty, we the Commons do herein crave and beseech that...
George III: Enter!
(Lord North enters and bows briefly.)
Lord North: Your Majesty... Louis XVIII is here!
George III: Who is Louis XVIII?
Lord North: The King of France, Your Majesty! This is a great moment to have, sir.
George III: There is no Louis XVIII.
(We hear a Scottish voice outside the door. Lord North ducks his head out for a moment, then reappears.)
Lord North: He craves Your Majesty's pardon. He has had a long journey here and miscounted... He is Louis XVII.
George III: Louis XVI is dead already?
(A trace of worry crosses North's face. He goes outside the door again for a moment. Sounds of a slight argument between himself and the Glaswegians. Suddenly there is a yell of pain and Lord North reels in holding the bridge of his nose.)
Lord North: Aaaaaaaaaaaaghh! Oh my God! Oh... ah... oh Christ!
(Louis strides in with the two dukes. They all wear tam o 'shanters.)
Louis: (to the reader) Your Majesty, I am Louis XVI... Oh Christ... (to George III) Your Majesty... I am Louis XVI as you so rightly say, and I don't want to muck about. I have a wee proposition which could make the name of George IV the most respected in Europe...
George III: George III
Louis: George III Sorry. Where can we talk?
Lord North: OH God! ... did you see that?... Oh!... aaaargh! Oh dear! (he is in great pain still and clutching his nose)
George III: We shall have a state banquet at St James' Palace!
Louis: Noi look, I can't hang about. It's take it or leave... we got to get back to... er...
First Duke: Paris.
Louis: Paris, by tonight...
George III: Must you leave us, Louis?
Louis: I'd rather just sell the plans and nip off, Georgie boy.
George III: All right... we will buy the plans... if you will undertake to disengage your troops in America.
Louis: Do what?
George III: And, I shall give you £10,000 for the plans...
Louis: Ten thousand pounds! Right, well, we'll disengage the, urn, you know... like you said - we'll disengage 'em... tell you what, hen, I'll put a duke on to it... OK? Right!
Lord North: (still clutching his nose) That's the worst thing you can do to anybody.
Louis: You asked for it, sonny.
Lord North: You could have broken my bloody nose!
George III: North! Please!
Lord North: You saw it! It was right on the bone.
George III: North! Will you send for the Duke of Portland ... we have a financial matter to discuss.
Lord North: Well, it really hurt.
Louis: No, look, I think it's better if you give the money to us. We're going back. We've got a bag.
George III: No, no... don't worry, Louis. We shall talk to your Monsieur Necker.
Louis: Ah! Well, actually, we'd rather you didn't... we've been having a wee bit of trouble with him... you know what I mean?
George III: Monsieur Necker? The man who introduced so many valuable reforms and who proved so popular despite his opposition to Mirabeau's policy of issuing 'assignats'?
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THIS SPEECH HAS BEEN VERIFIED BY ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA'
Louis: Er... aye, yeah... the trouble is he's been drinking a bit recently ... you' know, fourteen lagers with his breakfast... that sort of thing.
George III: Well... very well, Louis...
(The door flies open and there is Joseph Montgolfier, still clad only in towel and silly bath hat.)
Joseph: Just a moment!
Louis: Oh, Christ!
George III: What are you doing?
Joseph: I am Joseph Montgolfier, the inventor of the fire balloon. The man before you is an impostor!
George III: Ooh! I am not ... honestly!
Joseph: No, not you, Your Majesty (he points at Louis) This man -- this Louis, the so-called King of France man. Which number did you give this time - Louis the 23rd?
Louis: I got it right!
Joseph: I bet you took a few guesses.
Louis: Listen, you spotty sassenach pillock..
Dr Hamer: (not a doctor but a period butler) Your Maiesty! The Ronettes are here.
Bartlett: And Mr Bartlett.
(Three black ladies wearing modern showbiz costumes come in and sing 'George III' song. Two men come in and set up a screen as before.)
The Ronettes: (singing) George III ... etc .... etc ....
George III: Oh dear, I'm not supposed to go mad till 1800!
(Louis, arguing violently with the butler, butts him. Music comes up and the sound fades on this strange scene. George IlI falls to the floor and waggles his legs around in the air. Zoom in as the men in black take cover off the caption.)
CAPTION: 'MEANWHILE, IN FRANCE...'
(Cut to drawing more in the Montgolfiers' house. Jacques is at a table working on some drawings. Behind him Antoinette paces the room nervously. She is still wearing her harness, but it is no longer attached to the gas balloon. In a corner of the room a plumber is still mending the elaborate plumbing.)
Antoinette: Joseph has been gone for six months now ... we have heard nothing!
Jacques: He can look after himself.
Antoinette: But he had only on a towel, you know.
(Jacques takes off his false ears and walks over to Antoinette.)
Jacques: Antoinette... from now on there is only one Montgolfier brother.
Antoinette: But Louis XIV has the plans... you must wait until Joseph returns.
Jacques: (casually loosening her harness) The plans are here, cherie. (he indicates the desk where he has been working) Let me put my tongue in your mouth.
Antoinette: What do you mean?
Jacques: We're supposed to be French, aren't we?
Antoinette: No, I mean what are the plans which Joseph after is chasing?
Jacques: Please, let me put it in a little way.
Antoinette: Oh, Jacques, ze plans!
Jacques: I take it out if you don't like it.
(He chases her a bit with his tongue out. Antoinette is about to react rather violently one way or the other, when her dramatic moment is cut short by the entrance of O'Toole the butler.)
Butler: Are you sure the claret was on the left of the sideboard, sir?
Jacques: Yes, O'Toole, it's always been there.
Butler: Well I'll look for one more month, sir. (he turns and goes out; Jacques eyes Antoinette lasciviously and is about to try and make contact in the French way when the butler returns) By the way sir, Mr Bartlett has gone, sir. He said he couldn't wait any longer.
Jacques: Thank you, O'Toole...
Butler: Not at all, sir... I've enjoyed being in it...
Jacques: (impatiently) Right!
Butler: Thank you, sir... mam'selle.
(He exits. Tremendous applause. He reappears, takes a bow and leaves again. Jacques and Antoinette look nonplussed. He reappears. Terrific applause. He gestures for them to quieten down. Eventually them is silence.)
Butler: By the way, sir, Mr Bartlett has gone, sir. (tremendous applause) He said he couldn't wait any longer, sir.
(Incredible volume of laughter here brings the house down. The rest of the scene is pandemonium with laughter developing into prolonged applause.)
Jacques: Thank you, O'Toole.
Butler: Not at all, sir ... I've enjoyed being in it.
Jacques: Right!
Butler: Thank you, sir ... mam'selle.
Audience: More! More! More! etc .... etc .... etc ....
(Crescendo of applause. Over shouts of more! More! Superimposed Python credits. The butler is showered with flowers. Fans come on and congratulate him. A BBC security man restrains them. Other members of the cast appear and shake hands, and stand in a row behind, applauding. A dear old middle-aged lady comes in and stands
beside him, weeping proudly.)
1st Voice Over: George III was arranged and composed by Nell Innes. He is available from the BBC price £4 or eight months' imprisonment.
(The credits end. Cut to BBC world symbol.)
2nd Voice Over: That was episode three of 'The Golden Age of Ballooning'. May I remind you that there's stir time to get your 'Golden Age of Ballooning' suppositories direct from the BBC, price £4.50, or £19 for a set of six. Well, in a moment the BBC will be closing down for the night, but first, here is a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Norwegian Party.
* * *
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Norwegian Party Political Broadcast
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 40
* * *
The cast:
NORWEGIAN
Eric Idle
VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(A very straight Norwegian in light blue suit and tie. He speaks earnestly in Norwegian. Ad-libbed, on the lines of the following.)
Norwegian: Ik tvika nasai...
SUBTITLE: 'GOOD EVENING'
Norwegian: . .. Stivianka sobjiord ki niyanska ik takka Norge weginda zokiy yniet...
SUBTITLE; YOU MAY THINK IT STRANGE THAT WE SHOULD BE ASKING YOU TO VOTE NORWEGIAN AT THE NEXT ELECTION'
Norwegian: ... Ik vietta nogiunda sti jibiora...
SUBTITLE: 'BUT CONSIDER THE ADVANTAGES'
Norwegian: In Norge we hatta svinska offikiose buinni a gogik in Europa.
' SUBTITLE: 'IN NORWAY, WE HAVE ONE OF THE HIGHEST PER CAPITA INCOME RATES IN EUROPE'
Norwegian: Sti glikka in Norge tijik dinstianna gildoosi stiiioska kary.
SUBTITLE: 'WE HAVE AN INDUSTRIAL RE-INVESTMENT RATE OF 14%
Norwegian: E in Norge we haua siddinkarvo dikinik chaila osto tykka hennakska.
SUBTITLE: 'AND GIRLS WITH MASSIVE KNOCKERS!'
Norwegian: Gikkiaski ungurden kola bijiusti stonosse.
SUBTITLE; 'HONESTLY' THEY'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU'
Norwegian: Hijiasgo biundenen ki yikilpa stivvora niski ofidae.
SUBTITLE: 'THEY'LL GO THROUGH THE CARD'
