by Monty Python
Norwegian: E stavaskija, E stonioska.
SUBTITLE'. 'YOU NAME IT' THEY KNOW IT'
Norwegian: Stingtic oloshoyert okka in Trondheim khi oyplitz...
SUBTITLE: 'THERE'S ONE IN TRONDHEIM WHO CAN PUT HER . . .'
(Blackout.)
CAPTION: 'PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE NORWEGIAN PARTY'
Voice Over: Highlights of that broadcast will be discussed later by Lord George-Brown, ex-Foreign Secretary, Mr Sven Olafson, the ex-Norwegian Minster of Finance, Sir Charles Ollendorff, ex-Chairman of the Norwegian Trades Council, Mr Hamish McLavell, the Mayor of Wick, the nearest large town to Norway, Mrs Betty Norday, whose name sounds remarkably like Norway, Mr Brian Waynor, whose name is an anagram of Norway, Mr and Mrs Ford, whose name sounds like Fjord, of which there are a lot in Norway, Ron and Christine Boslo
(Balloons ascending. The montage with music as we continue with 'The Golden Age of Ballooning : Zeppelin')
* * *
Return to the sketches index
The Golden Age of Ballooning : Zepplin
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 40
* * *
The cast:
FIRST VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
VON BULOW
Michael Palin
VON ZEPPELIN
Graham Chapman
TIRPITZ
Terry Jones
HELMUT
Michael Palin
HOLLWEG
Eric Idle
MRS. HELMUT
Terry Jones
SECOND VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
CAPTION: 'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'
CAPTION: 'EPISODE SIX: FERDINAND VON ZEPPELIN - PIONEER OF THE AIRSHIP'
(Cut to photo of family, group.)
1st Voice Over: Ferdinand von Zeppelin was born in Constance in 1838, the brother of Barry Zeppelin, the least talented of the fourteen Zeppelin brothers.
(Black and white film of Barry blowing up balloons of increasing size. They all sink to the ground. The last one blows back and inflates him (specially made balloon); he rises into the air. Cut to stock film of a zeppelin.)
1st Voice Over: Meanwhile for Ferdinand von Zeppelin, the year 1908 was a year of triumph.
(Cut to interior of a zeppelin. A party. Expensively dressed guests. Champagne. A palm court orchestra playing. Some guests looking out of the windows in wonderment.)
Von Bulow: (approaching Zeppelin) Herr Zeppelin - it's wonderful! It's put ballooning right back on the map.
(Zeppelin goes instantly berserk with anger.)
Zeppelin: It's not a balloon! D'you hear?... It's not a balloon ... It's an airship ... an airship ... d'you hear?
(He hits him very hard on the top of the head with the underside of his fist.)
Von Bulow: Well, it's very nice anyway.
Tirpitz: (to Zeppelin) Tell me, what is the principle of these balloons?
Zeppelin: It's not a balloon! You stupid little thick-headed Saxon git! It's not a balloon! Balloons is for kiddy-winkies. If you want to play with balloons, get outside.
(Drags Tirpitz over to the door, opens it and flings him out into the clouds.)
Tirpitz: Aaaaaaaaaghhh!
(Cut to an old German couple in a cottage. The man is reading from a big book, the lady is knitting. The man is in underpants. There are a pair of lederhosen drying in front of the fire.)
Helmut: (reading) Yorkshire ... pudding. A type of thick pancake, eaten with large ...
(Roof splitting noise. A thump and the house shakes. They both look up. Cut back to the airship. The party is still going on.)
Hollweg: I hear you are to name the balloon after Bismarck?
Zeppelin: (flying into hysterical rage) Bismarck? Of course I'm not calling it after Bismarck. It's a zeppelin. It's nothing to do with bloody Bismarck!
Hollweg: Surely he gave you some money for it?
Zeppelin: Get outside!
(He opens the door and flings Hollweg out. Cut back to the old couple in the cottage.)
Helmut: Za... bag... lione... a sort of cream mouse... mousse of Italian origin...
(Roof splintering noise. A thump and the house shakes. Cut back to the airship. A little cluster of people round the door. The party is still going on but there is a little tension in the atmosphere.)
Von Bulow: Ferdinand... that was a Minister of State you just threw out of the balloon.
Zeppelin: It's not a balloonl It's an airship!
Von Bulow: All right, I'm sorry.
Zeppelin: All right - go and have a look! (he throws the protesting Von Bulow out) And you!
(Animation of several men being thrown from airship.)
Helmut: Zu... cchin... ni ... Italian... ma... flows... (splintering crash, thump, the home shakes) Zingara... A garnish of finely chopped ... or shredded lean ham ... (splintering crash, thump, the house shakes) ... tongue ... (another splintering crash, thump, the house shakes) ... mushrooms and truffles. (same again) ... Zakuski. A Russian ... hors d'oeuvre ... (a very load splintering crash, thump and the house shudders; Mrs Halrout stops knitting and crosses the room to the door and into the next room, where the sounds are coming flora) With tiny pieces of sliced...
Mrs Helmut: (looking in the other room) Oh, look! It's the Chancellollor!
(Helmut's hand immediately goes to his tie. He half makes to rise.)
Helmut: What? Prince Von Bulow? Here?
Mrs Helmut: Ja!
Helmut: Coming here?
Mrs Helmut: No - he is here.
Helmut: (jumping to his feet) Oh, I must go and put my old uniform on.
Mrs Helmut: He won't notice, Helmut. He's dead.
Helmut: Dead? Here?
Mrs Helmut: Ja. In our sitting room.
Helmut: This is our sitting room, dear.
Mrs Helmut: well, you know what I mean.
Helmut: (waving his finger at her) The drawing room!
Mrs Helmut: Yes ... but it's a kind of sitting room.
Helmut: (doubtfully) Well...
Mrs Helmut: Look!
(She opens the door wider to reveal heap of about ten bodies in the other room. There is dust rising from them and a big hole in the ceiling. Helmut goes to the door.)
Helmut: Which one is Von Bulow?
(They walk round the pile. Mrs Helmut looks at a few bodies and then points.)
Mrs Helmut: Here ... look!
Helmut: Oh, ja ... and Admiral Tirpitz!
(They are both momentarily overawed.)
Mrs Helmut: Ja.
Helmut: And Von Muller... and Herr Reichner... and Hollweg and Von Graunberg...
Mrs Helmut: That isn't Graunberg - that's Graunberg... das ist Moltke...
(She lifts the body's head up by the hair as it's facing down.)
Helmut: He's a lot older than I thought.
Mrs Helmut: He's a clever man, ja.
Helmut: ... and Zimmermann ... and Kimpte...
Mrs Helmut: What shall we do, Helmut?
Helmut: We must ring the Government.
Mrs Helmut: This is the Government, Helmut.
Helmut: Oh dear.
Mrs Helmut: It is a great honour to have so many members of the Government dead in our sitting room.
Helmut: Drawing room.
Mrs Helmut: Ja, well...
Helmut: There are no members of the Government dead in our sitting room.
Mrs Helmut: Ja, you know what I mean.
Helmut: Perhaps I should make a little speech or something?
Mrs Helmut: Not a speech, Helmut no...
Helmut: Shall we make them a cup of tea?
Mrs Helmut: It would be a waste of tea.
Helmut: But we must do something - so many important people in our drawing room - we must do something.
(They think for a little while.)
Mrs Helmut: We could sort them out.
Helmut: And make a litde list
.
Mrs Helmut: Ja, ja. We could put the ministers for internal affairs over against the wall, and those for foreign here by the clock.
Helmut: And we can sort them out alphabetically?
Mrs Helmut: Nein, nein - just put the cleanest by the door.
Helmut: Ja.
(They start to hump the corpses around. Helmut starts to hump Von Bulow towards the clock.)
Mrs Helmut: No, no! That's Von Bulow! He must go over here.
Helmut: That is my reading chair.
Mrs Helmut: He is the Reich Chancellor of Germany, Helmut.
(Helmut starts to take him towards the reading chair.)
Helmut: All right ... but I think he would have been better up against the clock, you know.
Mrs Helmut: No, he would not look nice under the clock.
Helmut: I did not say under the clock. I said against the clock.
Mrs Helmut: Well then we could not see the clock!
Helmut: We could put the Minister for Colonies under the clock. He's small.
Mrs Helmut: No. Colonies are internal affairs. He must go against the wall. (Helmut lifts up the head of another corpse) Education!
(Helmut starts to drag him over to the wall.)
Helmut: Soon we shall be able to make a list.
Mrs Helmut: Ja, is, wait a minute! ... Who's that by the cat litter?
Helmut: I don't know. I've never seen him before.
Mrs Helmut: He is not a member of the Government. Get him out of here. Put him in the drawing room.
Helmut: He's in the drawing room, my dear.
Mrs Helmut: Ja, well you know what I mean.
Helmut: Put him in the sitting room.
Mrs Helmut: Ja, in, the sittng room, it's all the same.
Helmut: You can put him in the sitting room if he's in the drawing room.
(Cut to stock film of the zeppelin.)
1st Voice Over: Count Ferdinand Von Zeppelin's behaviour on that flight in 1900 had incredible, far-reaching consequences, for one of the falling Ministers (cut to an old Edwardian photo of a German minister) the talented Herr Von Maintlitz, architect of the new Geman expansionist farm policy, fell on top of an old lady (old Edwardian photo of an elderly lady) in Nimwegen, killing her outright. Her daughter, Alice (old Edwardian photo of attractive young girl in the nude) suffered severe cerebral damage from the talented minister's (picture of Maintlitz again) heavy briefcase (Edwardian photo of a brief case) but was nursed back to life (another Edwardinn erotic postcard) by an English doctor, Henderson. (a Muybridge photo of a nude man) Eventually, they married (Edwardian nude couple) and their eldest son, George Henderson ... (1930s nude man) was the father of Mike Henderson... (health and efficiency nudist camp group photo; a figure at the back is arrowed) producer and director of 'The Golden Age of Ballooning'.
(ANIMATION: balloons as before.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'
(Pointed surgical instruments fly on in formation and puncture the balloons.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: THE GOLDEN YEARS OF COLONIC IRRIGATION'
(Cut to black.)
2nd Voice Over: Mr and Mrs Rita Trondheim; Reginald Bo-sankway, who would be next to Norway in a rhyming dictionary, if it included proper names, and if he pronounced his name like that.
(Cut to a Victorian couple in the countyside.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE MILL ON THE FLOSS'
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'PART I: BALLOONING'
(The couple rise slowly in the air. Fade out.)
Return to the sketches index
* * *
Department Store
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 42
* * *
The cast:
DOORMAN
Michael Palin
LADY
Terry Jones
CHRIS QUINN
Eric Idle
LADY
Carol Cleveland
ASSISTANT
Terry Gilliam
* * *
The sketch:
(Animated titles.)
CAPTION: 'THE END'
(Roll credits.
Establishing shot of large Harrods-type store. Outside limousines and taxis are disgorging very rich customers. Small doormen in enormously large coats opening doom of cars. A man with his nose bandaged comes out of the store. One large car pulls softly up to the kerb, and as small doorman opens its door, an enormously opulent lady in furs gets out. The doorman holds the door open. She knees him in the groin and walks on into the store. Chris Quinn arrives on a bicycle. He parks the bicycle against the kerb (the doorman flings it into the road) and goes into the outer hall of the store. He passes a couple leaving who also have noses bandaged. A gaggle of customers, mostly pepperpots, rush out. A very eager pepperpot lady shopper, going the other way, rushes between the two and bangs into a set of glass doors which have closed behind the gaggle. She cries out with pain clutching her nose and is escorted away by a large, coated attendant. Chris Quinn looks up at the list on the wall. It reads:)
BASEMENT: DANGEROUS GASES, VIRUSES, CONTAGIOUS DISEASES,
RESTAURANT AND TOILET FIXINGS.
GROUND FLOOR: MENSWEAR, BOYSWEAR, EFFEMINATE GOODS
HALL, ILL HEALTH FOODS.
MEZZANINE: TABLEWARE, KITCHEN GOODS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
HARD FURNISHINGS, ROCK-HARD FURNISHINGS.
FIRST FLOOR: COMPLAINTS.
SECOND FLOOR: COSMETICS, JEWELLERY, ELECTRICAL, SATIRE.
THIRD FLOOR: NASAL INJURIES HALL, OTHER THINGS.
FOURTH FLOOR: GRANITE HALL - ROCKS, SHALES, ALLUVIAL
DEPOSITS, FELSPAR, CARPATHIANS, ANDES, URALS, MINING
REQUISITES, ATOM-SPLITTING SERVICE.
FIFTH FLOOR: COMPLAINTS.
SIXTH FLOOR: COMPLAINTS.
SEVENTH FLOOR: COMPLAINTS.
EIGHTH FLOOR: ROOF GARDEN.
NINTH FLOOR: TELEVISION AERIALS.
TENTH FLOOR: FRESH AIR, CLOUDS, OCCASIONAL PERIODS OF SUNSHINE.
(Quinn, knowing that there are doors, goes forward more cautiously and enters. The banging of noses on glass doors is a constant background theme. Cut to the gift department. A large lady is standing by counter holding a large cylinder, with a rose attachment.)
Lady: Yes this looks the sort of thing. May I iust try it?
Assistant: Certainly, madam.
(The lady presses button and a sheet of flame shoots out across the hall)
Lady: Oh! Sorry! So sorry! (she is happy though) Yes that's fine.
Assistant: Is that on account, madam?
Lady: Yes.
(Chris walks by, watching with interest but not much concern, passing a customer whose back is on fire but who has not noticed)
(continued...)
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Buying an Ant
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 41
* * *
The cast:
CHRIS QUINN
Eric Idle
FIRST ASSISTANT
Graham Chapman
SECOND ASSISTANT
Michael Palin
REAL MANAGER
Terry Jones
HARTFORD
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Sketch continues from 'Department Store' He approaches a counter with a sign saying 'Ant Counter'. He stands by the apparently empty counter for one moment, then rings a bell.)
Chris: Hello? Hello?
(A strange rubber-masked head appears from below the other side of the counter and gesticulates at him making a strange noise. This soon stops.)
First Assistant: Oh, I'm terribly sorry... (he takes off the mask to reveal a straight forward assistant) I thought you were someone else.
Chris: Oh I see, yes.
First Assistant: I'm sorry sir, can I help you?
Chris: Yes, yes, as a matter of fact you can, actually I was interested in . the pos
sibility... of purchasing one of your ... can I ask who you thought I was?
First Assistant: What?
Chris: Who did you think I was... just then... when you thought I was somebody.
First Assistant: Oh, it's no one you'd know, sir.
Chris: Well I might know them.
First Assistant: It's possible, obviously, but I think it's really unlikely.
Chris: Well, I know quite a lot...
First Assistant: I mean he's hardly likely to move in your circles, sir...
Chris: Why, is he very rich?
First Assistant: Oh, no, I didn't mean that, sir.
Chris: Is he a lord or something?
First Assistant: Oh, no, not at all.
Chris: Well look, this is very easy to settle. What is his name?.
First Assistant: What?
Chris: What is his name?
First Assistant: Well... er...
Chris: Yes?
First Assistant: Michael Ellis.
Chris: Who?
First Assistant: Michael Ellis.
Chris: I see.
First Assistant: Do you know him, sir?
Chris: Er ... Michael Ellis. Michael Ellis...
First Assistant: You don't
Chris: Well, I don't remember the name.
First Assistant: I think you would remember him, sir.
Chris: Why do you say that?
First Assistant: Well, would you remember a man six foot nine inches high, forty-sh, and he's got a long scar from here to here and absolutely no nose?
Chris: ... oh, I think I do remember somebody like that...
First Assistant: Well, that's not Michael Ellis.
Chris: What?
First Assistant: He's a small man about this high with a high-pitched voice.
Chris: Right, I'm not going to buy an ant from you now.
First Assistant: (distressed) Oh, no, please.
Chris: No. You've not been properly trained. I demand another assistant.
