Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 91
Father
Oh dear, not as accurate as I thought.
Robert
It's not the Cutty Sark!
Father
Well it hasn't got its sails yet. Oh well I'll ... I'll have a look at it in the dark room in the morning. Good night. (grunts from the others who are already snuggling down; lights go off; silence)
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Hamlet and Ophelia
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 43
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The sketch:
Animated opening titles.
Banging on the wall from next door.
Man (Terry G.)
Shut up! Will you shut up in there!
Cut to a middle-aged man with small moustache and neat pyjamas banging on the wall with what appears to be an Indian club.
Man
Shut up! (it goes quiet next door) That's better.
He walks to a side wall and hangs his club on a hook beneath big old-fashioned art-nouveau sign clearly labelled `The Burlington Wall-banger'. He goes across to bed and gets in. In the bed are a party of four Japanese businessmen in suits with lapel badges, two lady American tourists with rain hats and cameras, three other moustached English gentlemen in pyjamas, four Tour De France riders, three Swedish businessmen, and Winston Churchill. In the corner of the room are three Tour De France bicycles. All the people ae watching TV. All in the bed are slightly tear-stained and sad, and eating popcorn and crisps, utterly absorbed. On TV we hear a Hamlet sad speech.
Hamlet (Terry J.)
I am myself indifferent honest, but then I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me.
Cut to the TV set in the room. Close in on TV set to see Hamlet lying beside Ophelia, who is gazing at him intently. It is the same Hamlet we saw in the psychiatrist's scene. They are in one of those rather austere modern theatre sets.
Hamlet
O fair Ophelia, nymph, in thy orisons, be all my sins remembered ...
Ophelia (Connie Booth)
So anyway, you've got the girl on the bed and her legs are on the mantelpiece ...
The nurse from the psychiatrist's office enters.
Nurse (Carol)
Out! (bundles her off)
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Boxing match aftermath
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 43
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The sketch:
Animation: Ends with a poster `Boxing Tonight! The Killer vs. The Champ. 15 Rounds'.
Cut to a dressing room at Madison Square Gardens, table, chairs, towels, and the usual paraphernalia. Noise of a crowd outside. The door opens and in comes Mr Gabriello, and two assistants carrying a boxer on a stretcher. Smoke, action, excitement come in with them.
Mr Gabriello (Michael)
That was a great fight, Champ, a great fight, you hear! Oh boy, what a fight, Champ, what a great fight! You nearly had him, Champ, you nearly had him ... where's his head?
First Assistant (?)
I got it in here, Mr Gabriello.
He holds up a carrier bag. Gabriello goes over to it, looks inside and shouts into it.
Mr Gabriello
You were great, Champ, d'you hear, you were great!
First Assistant
(looking in the bag) He's got a nasty cut over his eye.
Mr Gabriello
Yeah, I think it was a mistake him wearing spectacles. (gives the bag o the assistant) Oh well, get that sewn onto his body in time for the press pictures.
First Assistant
OK, Mr Gabriello.
Mr Gabriello
(to second assistant) Wasn't he great my boy?
Second Assistant (Eric)
He was great, Mr Gabriello.
Mr Gabriello
The way he kept fighting after his head came off!
Second Assistant
He was better when the head came off, Mr Gabriello. He was really dodging the guy.
Mr Gabriello
Yeah, I reckon that if he could've lasted till the end of that first minute, he would've had the Killer worried.
Second Assistant
Sure, Mr Gabriello.
Mr Gabriello
Oh he was great. Did you see his left arm?
Second Assistant
No!
Mr Gabriello
OK, we'll look around the hall after everybody's gone.
Second Assistant
Do you realize Mr Gabriello, some of those guys out there paid over £2,000 for a ringside seat.
Mr Gabriello
And where did the head land? Right at the back, that's justice... (the door opens; a black cleaner comes in) What d'you want?
The cleaner holds up a carrier bag.
Black Man (Terry G.)
This your boy's head?
Mr Gabriello
No, no, we've got his head. He ain't hurt that bad.
Second Assistant
(looking in the bag) Hey, that's Gerry Marinello. He fought the Killer last week.
Mr Gabriello
OK, give it to me. I'm seeing his trainer tomorrow. I'll give it to him.
The cleaner is ushered out.
Second Assistant
Hey, Mr Gabriello. The press is still outside. Are you ready for them?
Mr Gabriello
How's the Champ?
First Assistant
(working away with needle and thread) Well, the head's on OK. But there's still a left arm missing.
Mr Gabriello
OK, well keep the dressing gown kinda loose, OK. (Gabriello goes to door and opens it) OK boys, come on in!
The press surge in. The fighter is propped up.
First Reporter (Terry J.)
Hey Mr Gabriello, Mr Gabriello. Did you expect your boy to last the full twenty-eight seconds?
Mr Gabriello
This boy has never let me down. He's the pluckiest goddamn fighter I've ever trained.
Second Reporter (Carol)
Were you worried when his head started to come loose?
Mr Gabriello
No, no, we were expecting that. I told them to expect it to and it did. He ain't stupid.
First Reporter
Hey, can we have a word with the Champ?
Mr Gabriello
Yeah OK. But keep the questions simple.
First Reporter
Hey Champ! How're you feeling?
Mr Gabriello
(angrily) I said keep the questions simple!
Second Reporter
Mr Gabriello. People are saying that the kid ought to be buried. His head's come off in the last six fights.
Mr Gabriello
There's no question of burying the kid. He's just reaching the top.
Second Reporter
Well, shouldn't he just stay in hospital?
Mr Gabriello
No, he ain't going to no hospital. He's got the return fight next week.
Shot of the `New York Times' headline `Champ to be kept alive for big return'.
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Boxing Commentary
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 43
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The sketch:
Cut to a hospital ward. Numerous doctors and nurses are listening to the radio.
Radio Voice (Michael)
And there's Frank Sinatra leaving the ring. Behind him is George Raft, another great boxing fan, Martin Bormann, acknowledging the applause, and with him of course is Gus Himmler, who did an awful lot for the sport in his country in the early 1940s. And here comes the Champ now and he seems in good shape to meet the Killer once again. Before an audience, some of them will have paid $920,000 million for the priv
ilege of seeing this boy get beaten up. And there's the bell.
Patient (?)
(having a heart attack on the bed in the corner) Aaarrrghhh!
All (?)
Quiet!!
Radio Voice
And a left and a right and a right jab that's taken the Champ's shoulder off. And here's the Killer again with a right and another left and a bash with a hammer and a terrific smack with a heavy thud right into the skull and there's a gaping hole right through the Champ's body now. And now the Killer's working on the cut eye with a series of beautifully placed punches and the head's coming loose. (the doctors and nurses getting increasingly excited) The Champ must try and keep his head on. The Killer's kicked him in the groin and he's bitten half his left buttock off and the referee's stepped in with a warning there. What a plucky fighter this Champ is. He's fighting as well as I've ever seen him. Must be losing blood at a rate of a pint a second now. It's everywhere. Certainly those who paid one and a half million dollars for those ringside seats are really getting their money's worth. They're covered in it. And his head's off! (everyone cheers) His head that's come off in so many fights is off in the thirty-first second. It's rolled away down to the left ... but what's happening? The Killer's being talked to by the referee. There's the Champ ... plucky little body racing around the ring, trying to find his opponent. And the Killer has been disqualified. (pandemonium breaks out in the ward - some patients cheering, doctors thumping them in disagreement) He's been disqualified ... this great fighter who has killed more than twenty people in his career has at last been defeated by this courageous headless little southpaw from New York. And there's a great roar here as the referee raises the arm of the new World Heavyweight Champion. What a pity the rest of his body wasn't there to see it. (general disappointment; someone changes channels)
Second Radio Voice (Terry J.)
Well here in London it's 12.30 and time for `The Robinsons'. (everyone perks up) An everyday story of bla-di-bl-di-bla ... (sings `Archers' theme tune) da di da di da di da ... and so on.
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Piston engine (a bargin)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 43
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The sketch:
Mrs Non-Robinson (?)
(on radio) Morning Mrs Robinson.
Mrs Robinson (?)
(on radio) Mornin Mrs Non-Robinson.
Mrs Non-Robinson
Been shopping?
Mrs Robinson
No, ... I've been shopping.
During this exchange there have been six cuts to close-ups of radios of different shapes and sizes.
Mrs Non-Robinson
What'd you buy?
Pull out to reveal a pepperpot. Mrs Non-Gorilla sitting beside a radio on a park bench.
Mrs Robinson
(on radio) A piston engine.
Mrs Non-Robinson
What d'you buy that for?
Mrs Robinson
It was a bargain.
Mrs Non-Gorilla (Eric)
Bloody rubbish. (she turns the radio off)
Quick cut to a hospital, doctor on a bed listening to a radio. It switches off.
Doctor (Graham)
I wanted to listen to that!
Cut back to Mrs Non-Gorilla. Another pepperpot approaches.
Mrs Non-Gorilla
Morning Mrs Gorilla.
Mrs Gorilla (Michael)
Morning Mrs Non-Gorilla.
Mrs Non-Gorilla
Have you been shopping?
Mrs Gorilla
No ... been shopping.
Mrs Non-Gorilla
Did you buy anything?
Mrs Gorilla
A piston engine!
She reveals a six-cylinder car engine on a white tray, on a trolley.
Mrs Non-Gorilla
What d'you buy that for?
Mrs Gorilla
Oooh! It was a bargain.
Start to pan away from them, their voices become fainter
Mrs Non-Gorilla
Oooohhh!
Pan across a civic park, of which the only occupants are about ten pepperpots, dressed identically, scattered across on benches. One pepperpot is in a wheelchair. We come in to Mrs Non-Smoker, unwrapping a parcel and calling to the birds.
Mrs Non-Smoker (Terry J.)
Come on little birdies ... come on little birdies ... tweet tweet ... come and see what mummy's got for you ...
Shw unwraps the parcel revealing a leg of lamb which she hurls at the gathered birds. A screech. She kills a pigeon. She reaches in a another bag and produces two tins of pineapple chunks and throws them.
Mrs Non-Smoker
Come on little birdies ... tweety tweety ... oooh look at this ... tweet tweet ... ooohhh nice one ... come on little birdies ...
She chortles with delight as she hurls a huge jar of mayonnaise which smashes messily. She then throws a large frozen turkey, a jar of onions, a bag of frozen peas, and a bottle of wine. We widen as Mrs Smoker, with an identical piston engine to the last pepperpot, comes up to Mrs Non-Smoker. Quite a large area in front of Mrs Non-Smoker is littered with packaged foods and dead birds; a bird is pecking at a tin of paté; a small pond in front of her has a swan upside down with its feet sticking in the air, a huge tin floating beside it.
Mrs Non-Smoker
Oohh hello, Mrs Smoker.
Mrs Smoker (Graham)
Hello Mrs Non-Smoker.
Mrs Non-Smoker
What, you been shopping then?
Mrs Smoker
Nope ... I've been shopping!
Mrs Non-Smoker
What d'you buy?
Mrs Smoker
A piston engine!
Mrs Non-Smoker
What d'you buy that for?
Mrs Smoker
It was a bargain!
Mrs Non-Smoker
How much d'you want for it?
Mrs Smoker
Three quid!
Mrs Non-Smoker
Done. (she hands over the money)
Mrs Smoker
Right. Thank you.
Mrs Non-Smoker
How d'you cook it?
Mrs Smoker
You don't cook it.
Mrs Non-Smoker
You can't eat that raw!
Mrs Smoker
Ooooh ... never thought of that. Oh, day and night, but this is wondrous strange ...
Mrs Non-Smoker
... and therefore is a stranger welcome it. There are more things in Heaven and Earth Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. But come, the time is out of joint. Oh cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right. Let's go together.
They get up and go. Fade to black.
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A room in Polonius' house /
Dentists (Live from Epsom)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 43
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The sketch:
CAPTION: Act Two - A Room in Polonius's House
Cut to Frank Bough type presenter. Behind him are sports pictures.
Presenter (Michael)
Hello, and welcome to `A Room in Polonius's House'. Well tonight is European Cup night. One result is already in from Munich. The European Cup, first round, second leg, Bayern München 4397, Wrexham 1. So Wrexham going through there on aggregate. Well, now it's time for racing, so let's go over to Epsom and Brian McNutty.
Cut to a dentist's surgery. A dentist is filling a patient. He talks to camera.
CAPTION: Live from Epsom
Dentist (Graham)
Well over here at Epsom, there are chances a-plenty for those who want to make a good start in ...
Patient (?)
Dentistry.
Dentist
Dentistry. It's a well-off suburb, so most people have their own teeth and surgeries ar
e opening at a rate of four or five a week.
Cut to housewife in a back garden standing in front of a washing line with really nasty stained washing on it: some man's trousers with very nasty stain on crotch and running down the leg; a badly torn sheet with melted chocolate biscuit stuck on it; a huge bra, with cups eighteen inches across; two pieces of bacon and a fried egg pegged on the line; and more dirty washing.
CAPTION: Live from Epsom
Housewife (Graham)
Well, it's only forty-four minutes from the West End on the train and it's not too built up, so you can have a nice garden. And the people of Epsom are a very nice class of person.
Cut to a property developer ina main street.
CAPTION: Live from Epsom