Where the Light Plays

by C. Fonseca

  “It’s your dream, Caitlin. I would never want to stand in your way,” Andi said without turning back to face her. “But you don’t play fair.” She walked out of the boat shed and out of sight.

  Caitlin sat in the boat and stared out at the long shadows reflected across the rippling water. She gripped the sides of the wooden planks and let her tears fall. The intensity and surprise of Andi’s outburst left her unable to follow. She was utterly deflated.

  CHAPTER 29

  When Caitlin finally made her way back to the house, she was exhausted and emotionally wrung out. The Reys’ car was parked near the garage, making it impossible to avoid Andi’s parents. Caitlin had no idea where Andi was or if she’d shared any of what had happened with her parents. She took a deep breath and pushed open the front door.

  Lina sat at the kitchen table, leafing through a magazine. As Caitlin approached, Lina lifted her head and removed her reading glasses. “Caitlin. How was your swim?”

  Caitlin pushed her sunglasses up and hoped her eyes were not as puffy and red as they felt. “Good, thank you, Lina. Although I’m not used to swimming in a dam. I was a bit worried that something would attach itself to my toe.”

  Lina laughed. “Yes, for me, I prefer the swimming pool. At least you can see all the way to the bottom.” She got up to refill her cup. “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

  Caitlin shook her head. “I might have a quick shower and pack. I should get on the road before dark.” Although Caitlin tried to keep a distance, it became impossible as Lina walked towards her with open arms. She allowed herself to be held, and another round of tears threatened to fall. “I’ve had a wonderful time. Thank you again for inviting me to share in the celebrations.”

  “It’s been our pleasure to have you here. We will see you again soon?” Her embrace tightened before she released Caitlin, and she held her at arm’s length. Lina’s face was filled with concern. “I can see many things, Caitlin. I’ve watched you and Andréa this weekend, and I know from how my daughter speaks of you that there is something special going on.”

  Caitlin started to speak but stopped as Lina held up her hand.

  “I also know that your family and job are in Ireland. I am not saying I understand everything you are struggling with, but I know a little about having to make difficult choices—about being in a foreign country away from your family and feeling torn between following your heart and staying with what is familiar.” Lina spoke with compassion. “It is not an easy time for you or Andréa.”

  “Where is Andi?” Caitlin asked. Although thankful for Lina’s kindness, she was embarrassed. Lina obviously knew about their argument at the dam.

  “In your room. I think she is packing,” Lina replied. “Caitlin, can I just say one more thing?”

  “Of course.”

  “My Andréa wears her feelings so close to the surface, and when she is frightened or angry, she finds it very hard to talk. She closes up like a clamshell. She’s always been like this. Even as a child.”

  “Lina, I hope you know I would never hurt Andi intentionally. She’s come to mean a great deal to me in this short time. I do have things to sort out, decisions to make, and I have to return home to do that.” Caitlin rubbed her brow in frustration. “I just don’t know how to make her understand…” She looked at Lina for help.

  Lina hugged her once more, wordlessly giving her the acceptance and support she needed.

  “Talk to her. Never part in anger or silence. You must tell her—let her know what’s going on in here.” She tapped Caitlin on the head affectionately. “And here…” She pointed to Caitlin’s chest.

  It was clear Lina didn’t know the entire story. Caitlin had done just that. She’d said those three words, and look where it got her.

  She stood outside the bedroom door. Her mouth was dry, and her hand trembled as she reached for the doorknob.

  “Andi?” she called and walked into the room.

  Andi removed her headphones and let them hang around her neck. She spun around in the desk chair to face Caitlin. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” Caitlin sat down at the edge of the bed and stared at the floor before lifting her gaze to Andi. “You’re already packed?”

  * * *

  Andi tapped her leg nervously on the floorboards and pushed angrily on her left knee to still her restlessness. “Yes,” she said. “You wanted to leave before sunset. I thought I’d head back at the same time. I’d like to get home before dark.” The anguish on Caitlin’s face was clear, but Andi desperately needed to keep her own responses controlled.

  “Will you be okay to drive back? Your Jeep gave you some trouble on the drive here.” Caitlin looked down at her hands and played with her silver thumb ring.

  “I’ll be okay. Mick checked it over this morning. No leaks or anything. The tree branch didn’t do any damage.” Andi stood up and took a tentative step towards Caitlin.

  Caitlin met Andi’s gaze. “That’s good, then.” She reached for Andi’s hand, and although she didn’t mean to, Andi flinched.

  Caitlin rubbed Andi’s knuckles with her thumb. She looked tired and drained.

  “I am glad you could come this weekend,” Andi said, gripping Caitlin’s hands firmly.

  “I loved meeting your family and all those lovely, funny people at the party.”

  She recalled Doris Hargreaves cornering Caitlin in the kitchen. She had written her scone recipe on a scrap of paper, insisting it was so much better than Estelle’s.

  “You were definitely a hit with the ladies. Especially Mia.” Andi smiled.

  “She’s gorgeous. A little firecracker,” Caitlin said. She turned Andi’s palm upwards and stroked it slowly. “The kids loved watching you swing the bat at the piñata with the blindfold around your eyes.”

  “Kept them out of mischief for a while.”

  “Do you want to have your own, one day?” Caitlin asked.

  “A child?” Andi asked. “I haven’t thought about it a lot, but maybe, someday.”

  They both fell silent. Neither seemed to know where to take the conversation.

  Andi removed her hands from Caitlin’s grasp and buried them deep in her pockets. “I know you need to go back for the interview,” Andi said, eventually. She kicked distractedly at the chair leg. “In the next few weeks, I have to complete the paintings for the exhibition, organise framing and labels, and work through that list you helped me compile.” She attempted a grin.

  “I remember,” Caitlin mumbled.

  She wanted to pull her close. Bury her face in the warmth of Caitlin’s shoulder and hold her tight. For now, though, that wasn’t an option. She’d raised a protective wall around herself—and needed Caitlin to keep a distance.

  “You said you have a busy time at the estate and another guest lecture to prepare, so I think we should focus on our own stuff—for the time being.” Andi did her best to ignore Caitlin’s pained expression. “I’m just suggesting we should give each other time to think about what we want.”

  “I know you’re right, Andi. You and I have a lot to do in the next few weeks,” she agreed.

  “I’m not saying we shouldn’t keep in touch, but I need a bit of space.” The words came out of her mouth, then she realised what she’d said. Was this the right decision? How would she handle being away from Caitlin?

  Andi sat quietly in the desk chair while Caitlin grabbed her overnight bag and packed her belongings. She lifted the small bag onto her shoulder and looked around the room, as if considering her options. She moved towards the door, then stopped and turned around. “Andi,” she said.

  “Yes?” She gazed at Caitlin.

  “It is just an interview.”

  “I know.”

  In her heart, Andi knew how she felt about Caitlin. But the fear and uncertainty was paralysing, rendering her incapable of seeing a positive outcome.

  CHAPTER 30

  On Wednesday, Andi spent the whole day hiking in the Otway forest, through scrubby ironbark, stringy
bark, and gnarly eucalyptus trees. Ever since she’d parted company with Caitlin, Andi had been intensely frustrated and restless. She desperately needed the physicality of the outdoors to work off her chaotic energy. It took all her strength to push Caitlin to the back of her mind, and even though rationally she had to do it—it hurt like hell.

  The track undulated steeply, with occasional breathtaking glimpses of the sea and sky through the vegetation. She’d chosen a challenging route, and the uncovered parts of her legs were grazed and scratched. Andi wiped roughly at a small trickle of blood that ran from a scrape just below her knee and into the top of her hiking boot. At least it was the same colour as her socks.

  Many of the eucalyptus trees stood over thirty metres tall, with trunks two metres in diameter. The towering sentinels were simply magnificent. Andi noted the colours of the peeling bark, the sticky browns and reds of the gum veins. The air was a mix of the salty sea and the damp, earthy, penetrating smells of the forest. The light through the tree canopy was heavenly. For her next painting, Andi aimed to capture the energy and rays of the afternoon sunshine hitting the solid, unbroken line of giant tree trunks.

  It was dark by the time she returned home, and Koda was waiting impatiently for her dinner. Although exhausted, scratched, and filthy, Andi penciled ideas in her drawing book for the painting she would tackle the next day.

  She rose early after a restless night. With those magnificent trees fresh in her mind, she placed two 1520mm high by 900mm wide pieces of prepared board against the wall. After a rough sketch with a thirty-five millimetre flat brush, Andi set about covering the white space with forceful scrubbing brush strokes. Her movements were broad and fast, fevered. She worked on both canvases together, side by side.

  The act of painting was so seductive—the application of the paint upon the wooden board and the mood her chosen colours evoked. Andi was in turmoil, and she painted frenetically and aggressively, more so than usual.

  Once the boards were covered with heavy outline strokes, she rubbed them back with a piece of a sea sponge. She built the lighter verticals of the trunks using a broad, freestyle brush with white paint running through scarlet, raw sienna, Indian yellow, and a touch of ultramarine blue. For the seeping sticky gum and shaded areas, she used crimson, blue, and grey.

  Andi’s style reflected her love of strong colours. The Fauves, who used pure, brilliant colour directly from the tubes onto the canvas without using a palette for blending, had influenced her style. Andi laughed and looked at her exposed, paint-splattered arms and legs. She certainly resembled the Fauves, or wild beasts, today.

  She ran a line of white along the sunlit side to define a tree. She was careful not to overbrush, regularly cleaning the roller and thick bristles before picking up more paint. With a soft brush loaded with a few colours, she repeated her movement. Up, turn, and down to create the peeling bark. Up, turn, and down to darken one side of the tree and lighten the other. Finally, capturing the character of each tree with subtle pinks and vibrant earth colours.

  Andi pushed away from the wall where the two canvases now sat. She’d achieved what she wanted—a long, unbroken line of tree trunks. This was her representation of the majestic giants. Diptych: Luminous Gums.

  * * *

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake!” Caitlin grabbed the bookshelf to save herself from falling off the ladder.

  “Goodness, Caitie, let me help you.” Kim steadied the ladder until Caitlin was safely back on the ground. “Why on earth were you at the top of the ladder without asking for help? Safety comes first, always.”

  She nodded sheepishly. “I’m sorry, Kim. I know. I was stupid.” Caitlin dropped into the seat at her desk and leaned her head back against the chair. “That’s all I’d need—to break a limb.”

  “Exactly.” Kim flicked her fringe off her forehead with her index finger in an exasperated manner. “Then where would we be, eh?” From across the desk, she patted Caitlin gently on the hand. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Caitlin rubbed her eyes. She hadn’t slept well for the last few nights and, needing the distraction, had worked extra long hours. So far, she’d avoided Isabella, but Caitlin wouldn’t be able to hide from her grandaunt much longer.

  “Do you want to get out of here for a while?” Caitlin asked. She grabbed her wallet out of the top drawer of her desk. “Come on, Jonesy. Lunch is on me.”

  Kim pumped her hands in the air and straightened her blue and white striped shirt over her ample hips. “Okay, now you’re talking. Ooo…there’s a new Vietnamese café in Victoria Street. It’ll only take us twenty minutes to get there. We’ll be there in a flash.” Leaning towards Caitlin, she added in a conspiratorial tone, “I won’t tell the boss if you don’t.”

  They sat at a corner table, away from the other late afternoon diners. She’d let Kim place the order, and an array of dishes lined the table: chicken fried with chilli, basil and snake beans, spicy salmon, green onion and sesame tartare on glutinous rice.

  Caitlin used her chopsticks to grab a piece of crispy crêpe bulging with shrimp, bean sprouts, fresh herbs, and lettuce. She dunked it into a tangy sauce before popping it into her mouth. “Yum.”

  “Yes, yum. I will need an afternoon nap in Isabella’s garden.” Kim rubbed her stomach.

  Caitlin sipped her weak black tea. “This is the first real food I’ve had in days. Mind you, I did overeat last weekend. Andi’s family created an incredible feast.”

  “So how did last weekend go? It was the first time meeting the family, right?” Caitlin nodded, and Kim continued, “I feel like you’ve avoided talking about it, Caitie. You haven’t said much of anything since you got back.”

  Caitlin shrugged and piled the empty dishes into a neat stack. “The whole weekend was intense. They’re a close family. Loving and protective—especially Andi’s older sister, Ana.”

  “Did you get the works thrown at you? Interrogation? Questions? Did you have to state your intentions?” Kim teased but looked serious.

  “They are just looking out for Andi, like families should. Her mother, Lina, is understanding and kind. Shrewd and perceptive too.” She placed her cup down on the table and moved her shoulders around to ease the tension in her neck. “I hadn’t told Andi about travelling back to Ireland in December for the interview.”

  “Oh. Didn’t you know about it over a week ago?”

  “I was trying to find the right time to tell her, but she inadvertently read the email on my computer. I feel so guilty—so stressed and miserable for not telling her. But when would have been the right time?” Caitlin dropped her head into her hands. “I got carried away… I told her…damn it, Kim, I couldn’t help it.” Caitlin looked up at her colleague beseechingly.

  “You told her how you feel?” Kim hit the nail on the head.

  “Uh-huh, I told her how I feel.” Caitlin realised this was the first time she and Kim had talked about personal matters. “Is this all right? Here I am, blurting out my woes.”

  Kim looked at Caitlin across the table. “We are friends. You’re upset, and I am here to listen.” Kim pushed her plate aside. “What did Andi say?”

  “She totally freaked out and told me she needs space.” Caitlin frowned.

  “Oh, that’s bad. So what now?”

  “I need to respect her wishes. I haven’t much choice, have I? I’ve made no decision about my future yet, and there are so many things to consider. I can’t talk to my Mum and Dad about such an important subject over the telephone.”

  Kim nodded understandingly. “What else are you thinking?” she asked. “Surely you must be excited about the interview and the prospect of a promotion?”

  “Yes, it is a fantastic opportunity—there’s no denying it. I have worked towards this for a long time, and now it is within my grasp.”

  Kim’s face lit up. “That’s perfect then, Caitlin. It sounds fantastic.” She gave her a searching look. “But obviously there is more to the story. How about you and Andi? I guess it
depends on what you decide to do. I, for one, would love it if you stayed longer. Is it even a possibility?”

  “I don’t know, Kim. I can’t take the promotion and stay here. I know it sounds totally ridiculous, but it’s like there’s an invisible thread that draws me to her, connecting us. When she’s near me, my body needs physical contact, craves intimacy—even her eyes on me are a caress.” Caitlin rubbed the back of her neck. “Do I sound like a lovesick teenager?”

  Kim shook her head and then nodded. “Yes. Phew! That night at the Emerson, when we were watching you two dance…” Kim’s face flushed. “I said to Sharon, if we had an electricity blackout now, those two would light up the whole dance floor.”

  Caitlin sighed. How could she forget that night? It was the first time she’d held Andi in her arms.

  * * *

  It had been a relief to share her feelings with Kim that afternoon, and now she was trying to wear herself out. Caitlin’s feet pounded the winding track along the river at Yarra Bend Park. Although her body was tiring, her mind still raced ahead.

  She followed the sealed course, taking in the views of the Melbourne skyline and people leisurely walking their dogs, enjoying the parkland. The sound of wattlebirds and bell miners in the trees mingled with the whooshing of rowing skulls gliding on the water. Despite the serenity of her surroundings, she was strung out. Nervous, uncertain, and filled with longing, she found it hard for logic to prevail over her desires. How had things become so complicated?

  Until now, Caitlin had kept things simple. Her mantra was study hard, work hard, play hard. Although there were no set rules for her casual relationships, there were still rules. Rules made it easier and safer for everyone.

  Obviously, she had changed. Caitlin had broken one of her own rules.She had deluded herself into believing she could have a casual relationship with Andi. Their connection had been immediate, and even after their first weekend together, it was never going to be just about sex.