Collision

by Stefne Miller

  “What about me?”

  “Tell us more about yourself. What are your plans for the future?”

  She shrugged. “I suppose I’ll follow in my parents’ footsteps. I don’t really have the education I would need to go to university. No matter how many tutors I had, I couldn’t ever manage the fancy mathematics. And by the time I started being taught, I was too far behind. I only know the basics and whatever knowledge I received from the books I read.”

  “I can’t do the fancy math either,” I admitted. “I just hope to God I have an honest accountant.”

  “What do you want to be, Kei?” Chloe asked.

  All eyes were now on the carrot top.

  “If you could do anything, what would it be?” Cassidy asked.

  “Cabot says you’re a great photographer and you have amazing photographs of children. You could put those skills to work somehow,” Chloe said.

  Kei threw me a nervous glance, so I reciprocated with an encouraging smile and nod.

  “I have a lot of video too,” she finally said, looking back at Chloe. “I thought maybe it could be used for a documentary or something. I don’t know. I love what my parents do, and I’d still like to do that in some way or another. But I’d also like to incorporate some newer things. But we’ll see.”

  My phone rang.

  “You busy?” James asked as soon as I answered.

  “Sort of. My mom and the girls are here. We’re in the middle of dinner.”

  “Great. Listen, I got a call from…” My involvement in the conversation and inquisition of Kei ended.

  “It’s James. I’ve got to take this,” I said over my shoulder as I got up and walked away from the table.

  I walked over and leaned against the refrigerator but kept an eye on Kei. She tried to escape from the table, but Cassidy got a hold of her before she could scamper off.

  “Come with us, Kei. We’ll keep you entertained.”

  “Splendid.”

  They left the kitchen, and I slowly followed them through the house and up the stairs while James rambled in my ear.

  “Cab? You listening?” James asked.

  “Uh… yeah.” I watched the girls disappear into Chloe’s bedroom and silently prayed they didn’t say something to completely embarrass me.

  Once my conversation with James ended, I listened in on the girls’ conversation.

  “Since it’s been so long since the last Cab sighting and everyone thinks he’s in rehab, it’ll be a complete frenzy when he does finally appear,” Chloe was saying.

  “Rehab?” Kei asked.

  “Alcohol treatment.”

  “Oh.”

  I burst into the room. “Okay, I think Kei’s had about enough of you guys. Let’s give the poor girl a break.”

  “Leave us alone,” Cassidy barked. “She’s fine. We aren’t going to hurt her.”

  “Maybe not, but you’re throwing me under the bus.”

  “We aren’t throwing you under the bus. We’re explaining the mass hysteria going on in the outside world right now.”

  “Mass hysteria?”

  “You’ve been missing for sixty-eight days. People are losing their minds. All the blogs are abuzz with theories about you being gone. Everything from rehab to eloping with Sofie.”

  I beat my head against the door jamb a few times.

  “We try to help keep him grounded,” Cassidy said. “But he has to be really careful not to believe his own press, especially at times like this, ’cause they’ll have him convinced that he’s really something special.”

  “He is something special,” Kei said, which caused the girls to look at me with silly grins on their faces. “I just mean that, obviously, there’s something more to him than just a face.”

  Kei didn’t look up at me for my reaction, which was probably a good thing. My heart was probably beating out of my chest.

  Instead, she watched the screen as Chloe scrolled through pictures on one of the fan sites.

  “Wait. What’s that one?” she asked.

  “That’s one of the last ones they got of him. He was out on his balcony in Australia.”

  “Was that picture taken from above?” Kei asked.

  “It looks like it,” Cassidy said. “They were probably on the roof of the building across the street.” Cassidy flipped onto her back and looked over at me. “Were they up above?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t have time to look.”

  Kei sat up and faced me. “How do you handle all of that? I don’t know if I could handle having cameras in my face all the time.”

  “He has to stay calm about it all,” Chloe said. “If he gets mad, they get pictures of it. And those get the paps even more money. He’s just got to ignore it and move on. Oh, look at this, Cass. They’re talking about his hair.”

  “Really?” Kei asked me. “Is that all you can do about it?”

  “I guess so. Well, that or run away and hide out with some redhead for the summer.”

  Kei slipped off the bed and hopped past me and into the hallway. “I think I need to get some air.”

  “Are you all right?” I asked.

  “Splendid.”

  “You don’t look splendid. Did they say something to upset you?”

  “No.”

  “You could tell me if they did. I’ll make them take it back.”

  “They didn’t. Nothing to take back. Your sisters are lovely. I think I’m just tired. I need to get some rest.”

  “I’ll take you to your room.”

  “No. I can make it. You spend time with your family. They’re here to see you.”

  I looked down at her hands and shrugged. “Actually, I think they’re here to see you.”

  “They’re protective of you. Who can blame them?”

  I looked up. “That’s not really what I meant.”

  “Still…”

  “I think they’re enjoying getting to know you and all about your life.”

  “My life?”

  “You’ve lived an amazing life, Kei, one that inspires people to be more or better. Don’t you see that?”

  “Inspire others? That’s rubbish. You’re the one people want to know, want to emulate.”

  “And that’s where they get it wrong. They’re looking up to the wrong person.”

  She reached up and ran her fingers through my hair. When she removed and lowered it, I took it in mine.

  “People can’t get enough of you.”

  “Some people can.” She pulled her hand away. “Anyway, I’m off to bed. Breakfast in the morning?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it.”

  “Aces.”

  “Yes, aces.”

  •••••

  I stared at the cards in my hands. Hardly anything to work with. A couple of twos and a couple of fives were about it.

  Mom laid down a two and picked from the pile of facedown cards. I picked up the two, slid it next to the twos I already had, and laid down a seven of hearts. She snatched it up immediately.

  “What’s going on with you?” she asked as she discarded a king of spades.

  I picked it up and slid it behind the queen of spades in my hand. “What do you mean?”

  “You seem depressed, upset.”

  “She leaves on Friday. I won’t see her for at least five months. It’s depressing. What can I say?”

  “So you plan on seeing her again?”

  “I want to, but I don’t know.”

  “You’ve got to discard,” Mom said.

  “Oh.” I grabbed a card out of my hand and dropped it on the pile.

  “What don’t you know?”

  “If she’s going to want to see me.”

  “I’m confused.”

  I threw my cards on the bed and lay down. The game was over. “I think I might be falling in love with her, Mom.”

  “I know you are.”

  “You do?”

  “I could hear it in your voice over the phone when you talked about her. It’s w
ritten all over your face. It’s in the way you move when she’s nearby.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “I was afraid of that.”

  “Afraid of that? Why would you be afraid?”

  “She wouldn’t have me,” I admitted.

  “What?”

  “She wouldn’t. Just trust me. I’m not in her league. Not up to her standards.”

  “Cabot, why would you say such a thing?”

  “She…she has morals—”

  She scooped up all the cards and scowled at me. “You have morals. Or at least you were raised to.”

  “I do have morals. I just haven’t always done right by them.”

  “Who does all the time?”

  “Her.”

  “I doubt that. Nobody’s perfect.”

  “I think she’s pretty much as close as a person can get.”

  Mom started shuffling the cards. “She’s lived a sheltered life. It’s a lot easier to live morally when you’re not in the real world.”

  “She hasn’t been sheltered her whole life. Trust me. And the world she sees every day is pretty brutal.”

  “Well, I suppose I don’t know her the way you do. But if she won’t have you because she thinks you aren’t good enough, then not only is she wrong; she’s judgmental.”

  “Don’t say that.” I slid off the bed and walked to the window. From my vantage point, I could see that the light was on in her room. I figured she was probably reading one of her books. “It’s not her fault. She’s right in a lot of ways. And she’s been hurt. Anyone who has been through what she’s been through would probably feel the same way about someone like me.”

  “What are we talking about here?”

  Not wanting to tell a secret that wasn’t mine to share, I turned, looked at her, and raised my eyebrows.

  “Pretty heavy stuff?” she asked.

  I nodded.

  “But if you like her and you know she would never want you back, then why torture yourself and see her again?”

  I looked back at her window. “I don’t think I can help myself.”

  “Well, Cabot Stone, I’ve never known you to be like this over a girl.”

  “I’ve never been like this over a girl before.”

  “And when you finally are, she lives a world away and wouldn’t have you even if she didn’t. Son, you sure can pick them.”

  “She makes me want to be a better person.”

  “You are a good person,” she said as she walked up behind me and put her chin on my shoulder.

  “But I could be better.”

  “We all could be.”

  “I guess that’s true.”

  “Don’t put this girl on a pedestal, Cabot. When we put people on pedestals, we set them up for failure and ourselves up for disappointment.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Maybe it’s good she leaves soon. Perhaps it’ll hurt less than it would if you two were around each other even longer.”

  The light in Kei’s room went out, causing the back yard to get darker. “I don’t know. It’s going to hurt no matter how long we’re around each other. I don’t think there’s any way to avoid it.”

  “Maybe you’re wrong and she feels the same way. Maybe you should tell her how you feel.”

  I shook my head.

  “So it’s better so save your pride and possibly miss out?”

  “That’s not it.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “It’s not the right time.”

  “She’s leaving in a few days. Exactly when would the right time present itself?”

  “I don’t know exactly. I’ll know it when it comes.”

  “You sure about that?”

  “No.”

  •••••

  Kei took the girls and Mom sightseeing on Wednesday and Thursday, leaving me home alone to do nothing in particular. And then, on Thursday night, we said our good-byes and a cab drove them to the airport.

  Friday morning was one of the worst mornings of my life. Since we couldn’t run, Kei and I went for a slow walk, with her on crutches. I made a last breakfast that neither one of us really ate, and then we sat at the kitchen table and set up her new laptop. I taught her how to use it since she wasn’t used to Macs, and then we set up e-mail accounts that were only going to be used by us. Nobody else would have the e-mail addresses, and it would be easier for us to talk back and forth, or at least as easily as possible with Kei spending a lot of her time in areas of Uganda that had no Internet access.

  At ten ’til eleven, the driver pulled the car into the driveway and honked his horn.

  She stood from the table, swung a backpack over her shoulder, and stuck her crutches under her arms as I grabbed her luggage.

  “You sure you’ve got everything?” I asked.

  “Yes. And you’re going to be okay here alone for the next few days? You remember how to set the alarm and lock everything up?”

  “I remember.”

  “Okay. Good.”

  I walked along behind her as she crutched her way through the house, onto the patio, and carefully down the steps.

  She leaned against the car and looked over at me while the driver threw the bags in the trunk. “You’ll probably forget all about me as soon as you get back to the real world.”

  “I wouldn’t bet on it.”

  She cringed when the driver slammed the trunk. I cringed too, but it was more from the reality of what the closed trunk meant would be happening next. We watched as he walked over, opened her door, threw her crutches inside, walked around to the driver’s side, and climbed in.

  Her eyes stayed on his closed door for several more seconds before she finally looked back at me. Her eyes were filled with tears, which, of course, made mine fall too.

  Don’t go.

  “I guess this is it,” she whispered, causing my hands to close into tight fists.

  Ask her to stay. Ask her to stay, I screamed in mind head. I was literally screaming the word stay inside my mind. I wanted her to stay, and I wished I had the balls to ask her to.

  “Cabot, thank you for making this the most amazing summer of my life. I’ll never forget you, not ever.”

  “Don’t talk like we aren’t going to see each other again.”

  “I’m just saying that if something happens and you—”

  “It won’t. We’ll see each other soon.”

  She nodded and gave a small, weak smile before taking a deep breath. “Okay. Well…”

  Stay. Please stay.

  “Good-bye,” she finally said.

  I reached out, put my hands on the back of her head, and pulled her to me. She stared up at me while I tried to make myself talk. I couldn’t do it, so I kissed her on the forehead instead. My lips stayed there until she pulled away, climbed into the car, and closed the door without another word.

  I stood watching the car drive away. As it did, I felt it pull the life right out of my body.

  Once the car was completely out of view, I walked to the guesthouse, sat on the bed, and pulled out my laptop.

  I wrote her an e-mail.

  Subject: You just left

  To: UgandaKei

  From: YardballChamp07

  Date: July 27, 2007

  Kei,

  I just put you in the car and watched you drive off. It was horrible. Now I’m sitting here, wishing I would have said so many things. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Not quite sure why.

  Maybe since you’re not sitting here, looking over at me with those amazing hazel eyes of yours, I can say it all or write it all. I guess it feels easier knowing that it’ll be traveling around the world and you’ll be reading it there instead of here.

  You said that this was the most wonderful summer of your life. It was the most wonderful summer of my life too. But I’ll have to be honest and tell you that it was more than just my most wonderful summer. It had to be the most wonderful time in my life, period. Nothing’s ever come close
. And trust me, I’ve experienced a lot of great things.

  I don’t know what you think of me personally, what with our differences and stuff. But I think we made a pretty good unit, you and I. We kept each other entertained for sixty-some-odd days. Just two people. We never got on each other’s nerves or fought…well, at least not for more than a few minutes. We never ran out of things to talk about, and you never ceased to keep me hanging on your every word. I’ve never met someone who could keep my attention like you do, someone who’s willing to go toe to toe (or shin to shin) with me and not back down, and someone who broke my heart, like you managed to do when you climbed into that car and drove off.

  I have a feeling that you’re doubting whether or not you’ll ever see me again. Just know that on my part, I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that we get to spend time together again and often.

  You’ve opened my eyes to a whole new world. I don’t plan on closing them back. You also opened my heart. I won’t be closing that back either.

  Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Well, that and STAY. But I guess it’s a little late for that.

  I hope you had a great flight and a safe trip back to Gulu.

  I’ll be waiting to hear from you.

  Write when you get some time.

  Miss you already.

  Cabot

  I contemplated not sending it. I saved it in the draft pile and then opened it back up and started to push “send” again. Then I stopped and pushed the draft button again. This repeated itself about seventy-five times until I finally pushed the “send” button before I changed my mind again.

  As soon as I knew it was gone and I wouldn’t be able to get it back, my heart sank. I was scared out of my mind of what I’d done and what she’d think about it.

  I slammed the laptop shut and tossed it into the chair in the corner, climbed under the covers and pulled them over my head, and tried to go to sleep.

  I slept all the way through to the next morning. When I opened my computer and went to my homepage, it showed I had one unread message.

  It took more than a half hour, but I finally worked up the courage to open the message.

  Subject: Re: You just left

  To: YardballChamp07

  From: UgandaKei

  Date: July 28, 2007

  Cabot,

  Way to make a girl cry while she’s sitting in the London airport, surrounded by thousands of people. Do you have any idea what a plonker I am? Seriously, I embarrassed myself with all the wailing. They probably think I’ve gone batty and might refuse my boarding the plane. Some friend you are!