by Lauren Rowe
“Well, yeah, it’s happened during sex and oral, occasionally. Sure. But mostly, it’s just fingering. And yeah, lightning speed, too. Boom. No twenty minutes required for this guy. Unless, you know, she’s a really, really tough nut to crack.”
“And these women blow because you touch them on the exact right spot with your fingers—not because you’ve introduced them to a whole new paradigm of pleasure?”
“What the fuck? ‘A whole new paradigm of pleasure?’” He chuckles.
“It’s a philosophical question,” I reply evenly, my pulse pounding in my ears, “that ultimately defines the objective of the aspiration. One possibility is that you aspire to making your partner ejaculate because the mere act of squirting is, in and of itself, the most pleasurable stimulation a woman can experience. Which would mean that, by making her squirt, you de facto push her into the ultimate female experience, no matter whether you do it at three minutes or thirty. Another possibility is the other way around— the squirt itself is the byproduct of a woman experiencing the culmination of human possibility, the physical manifestation of that ecstasy, if you will. In other words, the squirt objectively and physically confirms you’ve otherwise managed to deliver her unto the highest form of pure ecstasy—the ultimate. The divine original. The last option, of course, is that the squirt is nothing but a parlor trick—a knee-jerk reaction to stimulation of her Skene’s gland. Nothing different than milking a cow.”
There’s silence.
“Do you understand what I’m asking you now? It’s a really important distinction.”
He pauses a ridiculously long time. “Dude,” he finally says. “I make women squirt because I can. It’s as simple as that.”
Chapter 31
Jonas
Six Weeks Without Sex
“I wish this guy would drive a little faster,” I mumble quietly to Josh, glancing at our driver. I look at my watch.
Josh laughs. “How does she put up with you?”
“Who? Sarah?”
“Yes, Sarah. I could never be married to you. You’re the most impatient man alive. Just fucking relax occasionally.”
“Well, since you don’t have to be married to me, I’m not your problem.”
Josh bursts out laughing. “Sure, Jonas. You’re not my problem. Ha!”
I don’t reply.
“And, actually, come to think of it, we’re pretty much married, other than the fucking part. What’s the difference? I see you every fucking day. And Climb and Conquer’s our baby.”
“First off, there’s no such thing as ‘marriage’ without the fucking part, Josh. That’s called friendship. Or a business partnership.”
“Or brotherhood.”
I roll my eyes. “Well, yes, of course. And, second, being married to me ain’t all bad, trust me, despite what you might think. I’m an asshole and a royal pain in the ass, yes, but trust me, I earn my keep.”
He laughs. “One would hope. Or else Sarah’s just a fucking masochist. Actually, I must admit, even without the sex part you’ve been a really good husband to me, Jonas.”
“Why do you always try to get a reaction out of me?”
“Because you always give me one.”
“Fuck you.”
“See?”
I scowl at him.
“You don’t think you’ve been a good husband to me, bro? Gosh, I think so.”
“Stop it. You’re making me want to throw up.”
Josh laughs.
I look at my watch. “I hope Sarah’s home by now. She might be at the hospital, visiting the babies. If she’s not home, I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown waiting for her to come home.”
“Well, text her, then. Tell her, ‘Woman, you better be home when I get there so I can plow you or there’s gonna be hell to pay.’”
I pull out my phone. “I’ll tell her exactly that.”
“Oh yeah, I’m sure she’s gonna love that. Kat would be thrilled.”
“No, actually, believe it or not, that’s precisely the type of message Sarah would enjoy receiving.”
“Oh, she loves a little caveman shit, huh?”
I smirk.
Josh makes a face. “Nice.”
I pull out my phone and send Sarah a text. “Josh and I landed safely. We’re on our way home from the airport now. Probably home in thirty minutes or so, after we drop Josh at his house.”
“Yay!” Sarah texts back. “Welcome home! Did your fancy meeting go well, Mr. Mogul?”
“Yeah. Really well,” I write. “We came to terms pretty quickly. Price is right. Numbers crunch well. Their locations are a perfect complement to our existing gyms. Match made in heaven.”
“Woohoo!!! Mr. Fancy-Pants strikes again! Does this mean we’re gonna be rich?”
I laugh out loud. “Yeah, baby,” I type. “We’re gonna be rolling in it.”
“Thank God. Because, as you know, I married you for your money.”
“I know.”
“How many gyms is that gonna add?”
“Twenty. Gotta refurb them to get them branded, etc. We’ll probably be up and running with all of them within three months.”
“Congrats, baby! You’re so fancy! Let’s drink some champagne tonight to celebrate. I’ll pump and dump.”
“Oh, baby, you know I love it when you talk dirty.”
“Pump and dump. Pump and dump. Pump and duuuuuuuuump.”
“Stop turning me on. I’m gonna blow my load sitting here next to my stupid brother.”
“I can’t help it. You know how it turns me on when you acquire shit, baby.”
“Why do you think I keep doing it?”
“More gyms? SQUIRT!”
I laugh out loud again. I was about to suggest we talk instead of text, but it’s now quite clear that, with Josh sitting next to me, this particular conversation is best suited to texting.
“Oh my God,” I write. “That’s what’s finally gonna make you squirt for me? More gyms? Well, shit. Now you tell me. I’ll buy up every fucking rock climbing gym in the world for you, baby.”
“Squirt!”
“Speaking of which, do you know what today is, wifey?”
“Hellz yeah! I leaped out of bed this morning screaming ‘SIX WEEKS!!! WOOT! It’s time for some FUCKERY!!!!!!!!!! BOOYAH!!!!!!!!!!!!’”
Oh, how I love this woman. “So does that mean you’re feeling up to it?”
I hold my breath as I press send on that last text. God help me if she says she’s not ready.
“Oh, NOW you’re concerned for my comfort? I seem to recall a certain husband of mine saying once upon a time you were gonna poke me right after the babies came, in any hole, ready or not.”
I grin at my phone screen. “I said that?”
“You sure did.”
“Well, that was just my cocky-asshole-motherfucker talking. Your sweet husband already beat him up for you.”
“I like my cocky-asshole-mofo.”
“Good. Cuz he’s got a big ol’ cock and he’s ready to poke you with it. In any hole.”
“Delish. I’m ready for some massive cock. But, honestly, you’re gonna have to be really gentle. I’m not totally back to normal yet.”
“No worries. I don’t care how we do it as long as we FUCKING DO IT. If I have to wait one more goddamned day to fuck you, I’m gonna have to register my cock as a deadly weapon.”
“Dude, that’s a pretty long conversation,” Josh says.
I snap my head up from my phone. Why the fuck is Josh here? Fucking Josh.
“Please tell me you haven’t been sexting with Sarah this entire time, sitting here next to me, you pervert.”
“No. Sarah’s telling me about the girls.”
“Oh yeah? How are they?”
“They’re good.”
“Hey, Josh is asking about the girls,” I type quickly. “How are they?”
“LOL!!!!! Josh is asking? It didn’t cross your mind to ask about them for yourself?”
“Baby, I’ll
think about the girls after I fuck my beautiful wife. But, actually, yes, now I’m wondering. How are they?”
“Amazing. Three days away and you’re not even gonna recognize them.”
“Did the doctor say when they can come home?”
“Probably next week.”
I lift my head from my phone. “Sarah says the girls are gonna come home probably next week,” I say to Josh.
“Awesome.”
“She says we’re not even gonna recognize them after just three days away.”
“I bet,” Josh says. “Tell Sarah I say hi.”
“Josh says hi,” I type. “Fuck Josh. Let’s talk about how I’m going to fuck you with my massive cock.” I look at Josh. “Sarah says hi. And congratulations on the new gyms.”
“Tell her thank you.”
Fuck Josh. “So, baby,” I type. “My cock has grown at least fourteen inches since I’ve been gone.”
“OMG! It’s now a certified weapon of mass destruction!”
“Fuck yeah.”
“Ka-pow! What the fuck just slammed into the barn, Jimmy? Was it a missile? A rocket? A bomb? Is this World War III? Aw, no, Tommy, golly gosh. That was just Jonas Faraday’s MASSIVE COCK. He just rolled over in bed clear across the country in Seattle.”
I laugh. “You funny.”
“I funny.”
“Okay, you’ve distracted me. As usual. I was texting to tell you that if you’re not home and spread-eagle on the bed when I get there, there’s gonna be hell to pay, woman.”
“Hell to pay? LOL.”
“Yes, woman. HELL. TO. FUCKING. PAY.”
“Sounds yummy. But I happen to be at the hospital right now, singing ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ to the tiny humans who so recently sprang out of my body (thanks to your big ol’ cock).”
“Oh fuck. You’re not home?” My head snaps up to see where we are along the route to my house. Shit.
“Correct. I am nursing your children and showering them with motherly love.”
“How fast can you get home?”
“Not for a while. After I visit with the girlies, I’m gonna pump some more breast milk to leave for them overnight.”
“Hey, excuse me,” I call up to the limo driver. “I need you to swing by the U Dub Medical Center, instead of my residence. That’s my new destination.”
“Sure. No problem.”
“Sarah’s at the hospital?” Josh asks.
“Yup.”
“So you’re gonna be a good daddy and go say hello to your daughters first thing home, huh?”
“Yup. Because I’m a really, really good daddy.”
“Mmm hmm.”
“I am. I’m gonna say hi to my beautiful babies and kiss my lovely wife hello. Like the good daddy and husband that I am. Because that’s all I’ve got on my mind right now is my beautiful daughters.”
Josh laughs. “I see a medical supply closet in your near future.”
I flash him a cocky grin, but I don’t reply.
“You’re not fooling anyone, Mr. Joined-The-Club-for-a-Fucking-Year.”
I smirk again. “Six weeks is a long time to wait, man.”
“Amen.”
“Did you have to wait six weeks after Gracie was born?”
“Well.” He grins. “We were supposed to wait six weeks.”
“But you didn’t?”
“Nah. Who could possibly wait six whole weeks?”
“You mean I’ve waited six fucking weeks and it wasn’t even necessary?”
“Well, no, I’m not saying that. Kat spit Gracie out the chute like a watermelon seed. Totally different situation. She was fine and raring to go way before six weeks.”
“So you decided you knew better than the doctors, huh?”
“Of course. I’m wise and powerful.” He winks. “I know better than everyone. About everything. You haven’t figured that out by now?”
“Well, how long did you wait?”
“For actual sex?” He thinks. “Four weeks, I think. But I distinctly remember Kat feeling a helluva lot better at the three-week mark, and me being very willing to oblige.” He shoots me a crooked grin. “But, you know,” Josh continues, “Kat’s delivery was nothing like Sarah’s, so it’s definitely for the best you two have waited—”
“Oh shit,” I blurt. “I forgot to tell Sarah I’m heading her way. Hang on.” I type out a quick text. “Hey, baby. I’m coming straight to you at the hospital, instead of going home. Stay there. Don’t leave.”
“Yay!” she writes.
“Do. Not. Leave.”
“Yes, sir. Yippee!”
“Do not move or else you’re going to be in big trouble.”
“Yes, sir. I am very scared of you so therefore I will not move.”
I grin at the phone.
“Hey, btw, I have a surprise for you at home,” Sarah writes.
“Does it involve tadpoles or marshmallow chicks?”
“You’ll see.”
She sends me a heart emoji, an apple, and an eyeball. “You’re the apple of my eye, my sweet Jonas.”
I laugh and look furiously for a bone emoji for my reply, but I can’t find one. Oh well. “Oh, My Magnificent Sarah,” I type. “You are the bone of my boner.”
“Aw, how sweet.”
“And I want to FUCK YOU, woman!!!!!!” I type furiously.
“Whoa. That’s a lot of exclamation points, sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I text her a ridiculously long string of exclamation points just to emphasize my point.
“!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Sarah writes back.
“LOL.”
“I LOVE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Sarah writes. “AND ALL CAPS TOO!!!!!!!!!!”
“Those aren’t exclamation points!!!!” I write.
“No?!!!!!!!! What are they?!!!!!”
“Cock emojis!!!!”
“LOL. You’ve only got one ball?”
I burst out laughing. “That’s what happens when I try to be funny.”
“No, it was a good attempt at humor, love. Keep trying and soon you’ll get the hang of it. Persistence!” Another winking emoji. “And, anyway, I get your point, sir. You’re ready to bone! AND SO AM I. OH MY GOD. I’M EFFING ALL-CAPS READY TO BONE, BABY!”
“ME TOO! BONE BONE BONE!!!! ALL-CAPS BONE!!!!”
“MY LADY-BONER IS ABOUT TO EFFING BLOW!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey, btw, I have to work pretty hard to successfully write the word effing on my phone, just so you know. Autocorrect apparently really hates that word.”
“Fuck autocorrect.”
“Little bitch.”
“Having fun?” Josh asks, out of nowhere.
I look up from my phone.
Josh is looking at me with that laughing-at-me-with-his-eyes thing he always does. “You’re giggling like a fucking tweener at a Justin Bieber concert.”
“Shouldn’t you be doing something meaningless like posting a fucking selfie onto Instagram right now?” I say. “Making sure all your followers know you had oatmeal for breakfast?”
Josh rolls his eyes and looks back at his phone.
“Thanks a lot, Sarah. Thanks to you, I’m sitting next to Josh with a raging boner.”
“Hey, the struggle is real. I’ve got a lady-boner right now, and I’m sitting here holding Sunny. I’ve got a nice little Madonna-whore thing going on—I think you’d dig it.”
“You’ve been texting this whole time holding Sunny?”
“No, part of the time I was holding Luna. Dude, I’m a mother now. I multi-task.” This time, her emoji is a muscled arm. “And, hey, no worries. The monkeys can’t read so we’re safe.” She adds a monkey emoji followed by a book.
I laugh out loud again. “These poor kids. You do realize we’re gonna scar them horribly, right?”
“Why? You mean because Mommy and Daddy wanna ALL CAPS BONE so effing much? (Fuck you, autocorrect!)”
I laugh again. “Yes.”
“Well, the girls can suck it. How do the
y think they got here in the first place? Jeez.”
“I can’t wait to bite that ass of yours right before I fuck you. I’m not gonna be able to wait five minutes after seeing you.”
“Please and thank you. Hey, speaking of which, I stopped bleeding yesterday. Yay!” She adds a happy-crying face, clapping hands, and a party hat.
“Congrats. But I wouldn’t have cared.”
“Yes, I am well aware of that factoid.” She attaches a blushing face emoji.
I laugh out loud. “You feeling okay?”
“Yeah. Good. Tired, but good.” Thumbs up emoji.
“Don’t overdo.”
“I won’t. I’ll take it easy right after I BONE my husband.” She adds a bone emoji.
What the fuck? Where’d she find that? “Emoji wizard,” I type.
“We’ve all got our talents.”
“Are you wearing a skirt?” I write.
“Yes.”
“Good. Take off your panties before I get there. Go commando for me.”
“Will do. You better get that massive cock of yours ready, big boy. I’m dripping wet.”
“My cock’s been ready for six fucking weeks.”
“Woot. I’ll just stand here with no panties and my legs spread out, dripping all over my thighs, until you get here.”
“You’re so fucking sexy.”
Josh’s phone rings and he picks up.
“Hey, Henn. What’s up?” Josh listens for a minute. “Awesome! Congratulations! Hey, Henn just popped the question to Hannah. She said yes.”
“Awesome,” I say. I quickly tap out another text to Sarah. “Henn and Hannah just got engaged.”
“Yay!” Sarah writes. Diamond ring emoji. “Hey, now they’re ‘Hennah!’ Tell them I say big congrats.”
I swat Josh on the knee. “Sarah says congrats and that she’s christened them ‘Hennah.’”
Josh laughs and conveys my message to Henn.
“What’s our couple name?” I type. “Jorah?”
“How about Sanas?” she writes. “Because it means ‘healthy’ in Spanish.” She adds a smiley-face emoji wearing a surgical mask followed by a praying hands emoji. “Knock on wood, right?”
“Amen.”
“Hey, Sunny just woke up. Gotta go.”
