by Lauren Rowe
“See you soon, wife. I love you.”
“I love you, too, husband.” Heart emoji.
“Get ready to get fucked.”
“Roger that.” She adds a yellow smiley face bearing its teeth like it’s scared.
“Hey, sir,” Josh says to the driver. “Looks like you can drop me at the hospital, too. No second stop required.”
“What?” I blurt, looking up from my phone.
Josh holds up his phone. “Just found out Kat and Gracie are on their way to visit the babies right now. They’re gonna surprise Sarah and take her out to dinner.” He bursts out laughing.
“No,” I yelp. “Tell Kat to turn around. Tell her no.”
“Bro, I’m not gonna stop Little G from visiting her cousins just so Uncle Jo Jo can screw Auntie Sarah in a supply closet. You’ll just have to wait ’til you get home.”
“Gracie’s got a lifetime to visit her cousins. Tell Kat to turn around.”
“Nope.”
I grab for Josh’s phone, but he pulls it away and puts it into his pocket. “Looks like it’s Faraday, party of five, for dinner. One big, happy family.”
I look up to the ceiling of the limo, looking for strength I surely do not possess.
“Hey, if I can wait another hour to be alone with my beautiful wife, then surely you can wait, too.”
“We’re hardly in the same situation, Josh. You’ve been away from Kat for three days. I’ve been waiting six fucking weeks. Comparing our situations is like comparing the common cold to cancer.”
“No, not being with Kat for three days ain’t no common cold, bro—that’s at least influenza. Maybe even bronchitis.”
I look out the window of the limo, scowling.
“Poor Jonas.”
“Don’t talk to me.”
Josh laughs. “Life’s not fair, bro.” There’s a long beat as we look out our respective windows of the car. “We’re lucky bastards, aren’t we?” Josh finally says.
I’m pissed at him, it’s true, but I can’t deny the truth when I hear it. “We sure are,” I reply. I deign to look at him and we both smile about our good fortune.
“And, anyway, I’m not just dealing with three days away from Kat,” Josh says, breaking the spell of my good feelings toward him. “I’ve got bigger fish to fry. The woman only stopped barfing a couple weeks ago, and not too long from now, my baby boy will be here, royally cock-blocking me with his never-ending cuteness, not to mention his puking and crying and breastfeeding. So that means I’ve got only a short window of time to enjoy a fairly normal sex life. You should be honored I’m willing to spend any of my precious minutes with you.”
Well, damn. My babies are slated to come home next week. Does that make this coming week my only window of opportunity for a “normal” sex life?
Josh laughs. “Poor Jonas.” He puts his hand on my shoulder. “I guess you’ll just have to behave like a homo sapien for a little while longer today. Sorry, bro. I know how hard that is for you.”
I scowl and look out the window of the limo.
“You’re so entertaining, Jonas. You know that? You never cease to amuse me.”
I roll my eyes.
Josh chuckles happily and then looks down at his phone again, probably busying himself with Twitter or Instagram or some other meaningless exercise in narcissism.
I look at my watch. We should be at the hospital in about fifteen minutes.
Fuck me.
I feel like I’m going to explode.
And not figuratively, either.
Oh my fucking God.
Chapter 32
Jonas
When Josh and I bound into the NICU, we find ourselves in the middle of a raging Faraday girl-party that’s already well underway. Sarah’s sitting in a glider chair, holding Sunny; Little G is sitting next to her in another glider, holding Luna with an assist from Kat, her pink sparkly boots barely hanging over the edge of her chair; and Gloria’s here too—what the fuck?—taking photos and ordering everyone to smile.
All four of them are giggling and squealing and cooing up a storm, especially little Gracie, whose little exclamations to Luna would be adorable to me if I weren’t feeling so sexually frustrated right now. Oh my God. I love each and every one of these females, God knows I do, each in a very different way, but I had a much different “party” in mind when I diverted my limo to the hospital.
Josh immediately beelines to Kat and Gracie, while I stand rooted to my spot just inside the NICU entrance. I need a minute. I wasn’t prepared to be Happy-Go-Lucky Jonas right now. I was all amped up to be Fuck-My-Woman-Till-She-Screams-My-Fucking-Name-In-a-Supply-Closet Jonas. Fuck.
Sarah beams a smile at me. “Hi, love. I’m so excited you’re here.” There’s a bloom in Sarah’s cheeks again these days—a fairly recent and exceedingly welcome development after the long haul of the last six weeks—and she’s even got a mischievous twinkle in her eye again, too. “Kat surprised me by bringing Little G and my mom to visit the babies,” Sarah says, curling a lock of her hair around her finger and grinning broadly. “Isn’t that awesome?”
“Awesome,” I say. “Totally and completely awesome.”
Sarah suppresses a laugh.
I cross the room toward Sarah and suddenly notice she’s wearing the white sundress I bought her in Belize. “You’re wearing the dress,” I say, flashing back to the memory of that dress crumpled on the floor of our tree house. I lean down to kiss her.
“Today’s a special occasion,” she whispers into my lips. “Another round of delicious anticipation.”
I’m about to whisper something suggestive to Sarah about meeting me in the nearest supply closet, but all of a sudden, I’m getting hugged by Kat and Gloria, and kissed by Little G, and ordered by Gloria to pose for photos—and it’s abundantly clear that any form of covert fuckery with Sarah here at the hospital is a pipe dream.
“Take Sunny, love,” Sarah says. “She’s been missing her daddy.”
I take little Sunny from Sarah’s arms, and the minute I do, I magically forget all about my initial motives for getting dropped off at the hospital. “Hi, Sunshine,” I say, settling myself into a glider next to Sarah. “Wow, she’s grown so much in just three days. Her growth is literally visible.”
“I know, right? Both of them,” Sarah says. “Aren’t they incredible? They’re getting so big.”
I glance at Luna on Gracie’s lap. “They’re so pretty. They’re quite literally the prettiest babies the world has ever seen—besides Gracie, of course.” I wink at Gracie and she tries to wink back at me, closing both of her eyes in an exaggerated blink.
“A couple of beasts-in-training,” Josh says. “I’d expect nothing less from your mighty spawn, Uncle Jo Jo.”
“What do you think of your cousins, Gracie?” Sarah asks. “Are they cutie patooties, or what?”
Gracie nods.
“Say it for me, Gracie,” Sarah prompts. “Cutie patooties.”
“Cootee patoooootsh.”
Sarah giggles. “You never disappoint me, Gracie-cakes. You funny.”
Gracie puffs out her little chest with pride. “I funny.”
Everyone laughs. Gracie’s never known what to do on the receiving end of this little family joke before.
“I funny,” Gracie says again, obviously enjoying the reaction she got the first time—and, of course, we all oblige her.
“Isn’t Luna little?” Sarah asks Gracie. “You used to be a little baby and now you’re such a big girl.”
Gracie nods. “Cuzn Loona da baybee. Grassy da big girl.”
“That’s right, mamacita,” Sarah says. “You got that right. You’re the big cheese in town—la Quesota.”
Gloria giggles. “Oh, Sarah.” Apparently, Sarah’s made some sort of Sarah-ism, even in Spanish.
Sarah laughs. “Yeah, that doesn’t really translate, does it?”
Gloria shakes her head, still laughing. “No. Not at all.”
“Ahm hungy, Mommy,” Gr
acie says. “I want da cheese.”
“The cheese? You mean string cheese?”
“No, Mommy, da big cheese. Wit Auntie Sah.”
“You see what you do to me, Sarah?” Kat chastises. “No, honey, no snacks. We’re all going to a restaurant for dinner in just a few minutes.”
Gracie looks like she’s about to protest. And loudly, too.
“Hey, Little G,” I say, flashing her my most charming smile. “You wanna hold Sunny now?”
Gracie’s face lights up. “Sunneeeee,” she squeals, instantly distracted from whatever cheese-related tantrum she was about to throw.
“Oh, you’re good,” Kat says to me.
I swap Sunny for Luna in Gracie’s lap and she instantly busies herself with the business of kissing and cuddling her newest baby doll.
“Hi, Crazy Monkey,” I whisper to Luna, kissing her little head. “I missed you, my love. Do you know I love you to the moon and back again?” I look up, intending to make a comment about how much Luna looks like Sarah, and I’m met with Sarah’s teary-eyed gaze.
I grin at her, my heart beating out of my chest with pure joy. And for the life of me, all of a sudden, I can’t remember what the fuck I was so crabby about when I first walked into the NICU.
Chapter 33
Jonas
“Do you want the pizza or the chicken fingers?” Kat asks Gracie.
“Peesuh,” Gracie says, her face lighting up.
“Pizza, please,” Kat corrects.
“Peesuh, please.”
“Thank you for your nice manners.”
Fuck me. Okay, I’m crabby again. And then some.
The six of us are just one big, happy family. Just one, big, it’s-been-six-fucking-weeks-since-I’ve-fucked-my-wife-and-I’m-sitting-at-a-fucking-chain-restaurant-with-my-brother-and-mother-in-law-and-sister-in-law-and-niece-rather-than-fucking-my-smokin’-hot-wife-right-now-happy-fucking family.
The minute we got to this deep-fried travesty of a restaurant, a restaurant with fucking kiddie menus for the love of God, I tried to get Sarah to pop into the bathroom with me for a quickie, but her mom was on her like white on rice about one thing or another, and absconding Sarah for some lightning-fast bathroom-fuckery wasn’t in the cards.
And then, fuck me, the nanosecond after Gloria finally left Sarah alone, when I thought I might have a brief window of opportunity to get inside Sarah, Gracie suddenly wanted her Auntie Sarah above all other humans, and there was nothing to do but pile into the restaurant booth with everyone—with Gracie wedged between Sarah and me, stuck to her Auntie Sarah like glue.
“Oh, that’s pretty,” Sarah says, referring to Gracie’s crayon-scribbles on her fucking kiddie menu. “Hey, will you give me a bite of your pizza when it comes, Little G?” Sarah asks, stroking Gracie’s hair. “I’m gonna order a salad, but I’m craving a big ol’ bite of your pizza. Yummo.”
Gracie nods, hard at work on her masterpiece. “Mmm hmm.”
“Thank you, baby.”
“Grassy not a baybee.”
“Oh, I forgot. You’re a big girl now.”
“Grassy da big sissy.”
“That’s right.”
“Are you excited to meet your baby brother in a few months, Gracie?” Gloria asks.
Gracie smiles broadly and nods. “Jack.”
Sarah looks at Josh and Kat, instantly elated. “You guys went with my suggestion?”
“So much for surprises,” Kat says. “Thanks, Gracie.”
Gracie smiles broadly at her mother, clearly not understanding sarcasm.
“Oh, come on, Kat. Surprises aren’t allowed in this family,” Sarah says. She squeals. “I’m so excited. Jack Faraday. I just love it.”
“Jack Faraday,” Josh repeats proudly. “Now that’s a name. That’s a guy who drinks scotch neat.”
“That’s a guy who knows how to land a right hook—and a babe,” Kat adds.
“Jack Faraday doesn’t even own a wrench,” Josh says. “He just uses his teeth.”
“When Jack Faraday crosses the border into a new country, they immediately put his face on their currency,” Sarah says, and everyone laughs.
“The Pope calls Jack Faraday and asks him to bless his water,” Josh says.
“When the groundhog comes out of his hole in February, he asks Jack Faraday what he should do,” Kat says.
“Gravity asks Jack Faraday for permission,” Sarah says.
We’re all laughing pretty hard by now, even me.
“When Jack Faraday wipes his ass, the toilet paper writes him a ‘Thank You’ note,” Josh says, and we all roll with laughter. Even Gloria’s wiping her eyes and holding her sides.
“After Jack Faraday visits the Virgin Islands, they officially rename them... the Islands,” Sarah adds, wiggling her eyebrows, and we all lose it.
“Hey now,” Kat says primly. “Speaking as Jack Faraday’s mother, I can assure you Jack’s gonna be a complete gentleman to all the ladies he encounters.”
We all share a loud, rollicking laugh at that one.
“Well, jeez, I was trying to be funny, but not that funny.”
Sarah reaches over to touch Kat’s belly. “Don’t kid yourself, Kitty Kat. With the Playboy and the Party Girl with a Hyphen as this boy’s parents, he’s genetically fated to become a world-class ladies’ man.”
Kat shrugs. “Yeah. Probably.”
“Definitely,” Josh says. “Until he meets the right girl, that is.” He winks at Kat.
“Aw,” Kat says. “Are you trying to get laid tonight, Playboy? Because you most certainly will.”
Gloria covers her face with her hands, blushing and shaking her head.
“Oh, sorry, Gloria,” Kat says, breaking into a giggle. “But, you know, I had to get pregnant somehow.”
Gloria laughs.
“Okay, I’ve got one for you, Kitty Kat,” Sarah says. “When Jack Faraday glances at a woman, she gets pregnant.”
“With quadruplets,” Kat adds.
We all laugh, yet again.
“Oh, I’ve got one,” Gloria says. “When Jack Faraday visits the Queen, she curtsies to him.”
“Good one, Gloria,” Josh says, high-fiving her. “Now I see where OAP Cruz gets her mad skillz.”
Sarah and I exchange a look. What the fuck does Josh think “OAP” means?
Gloria giggles. “Oh, I just thought of another one: Jack Faraday’s grocery lists are New York Times bestsellers.”
“Wow, Mom,” Sarah says. “You’re on a roll.”
Gloria giggles, clearly having a ball.
Well, shit. Even Gloria’s getting laughs with this crowd? Come on. I love the woman, but she’s not exactly hilarious. I don’t usually join in when our foursome is having a group ‘clever-fest’ like this, since I’m clearly fourth in the pecking order when it comes to being funny. Sure, they laugh at shit I say all the time, but its not when I’m actually trying to be funny. But this time I think I’ve got a pretty good one. And if fucking Gloria’s getting laughs, for fuck’s sake, then I’m gonna go for it.
“The doctors tried to circumcise Jack Faraday, but their scalpels kept breaking,” I say, and everyone, including Gloria and Gracie (although why Gracie’s laughing is a mystery) bursts into hysterical laughter.
“That was actually funny, Jonas,” Josh finally says, still chuckling. “Really funny. Wow. Intentional humor from Jonas Patrick Faraday.” He glances out the window of the restaurant. “Are there frogs falling from the sky right now?”
I laugh.
“Looks like we’ll make a homo sapien out of you yet, huh, bro?”
I can’t help smiling from ear to ear. “Eh. It’s fifty-fifty.”
“Oh, man. That was really funny, Jonas,” Kat says, wiping her eyes and getting ahold of herself. “I just peed a little bit.”
“Me, too,” Sarah says. “A lot bit.”
“Welcome to motherhood,” Gloria says, and all three ladies burst into an enthusiastic dialog about how they pee their pan
ts every time they sneeze or laugh or jump.
“So, will this legendary Jack Faraday have a middle name?” Sarah asks. “Jack William Faraday, maybe?”
Josh looks at Kat for some sort of permission and she motions to him like she’s giving him the floor.
“As a matter of fact,” Josh says, looking at me with his patented laughing-at-me-with-his-eyes look, “my beast of a son will bear the noble name of Jack Jonas Faraday.” His eyes sparkle at me. “Now that’s a dude who’ll climb the tallest mountain and slay the fiercest dragon for you. A beast of a man, in every way. And, hey, I’ve just learned he might even be funny on occasion, too. On purpose.”
My heart is racing. I can’t form words, so I nod. I feel electrified right now.
Sarah grabs my hand and squeezes. “Wow, guys. That’s such an honor.” Her face looks exactly the way I feel right now.
“Thank you,” I manage to say. “That’s... Thank you.”
Josh shoots me a beaming smile. “Of course, bro. We’ll be lucky if our little guy grows up to be even remotely like his Uncle Jo Jo the Dancing Clown.”
“Hey, that’s your cue, Gracie,” Sarah says. “Say it: ‘Uncle Jo Jo the Dancing Clown.’”
“Unkie Jo-Jo-da-danseen-clahn.”
“Wow, Gracie. You’re getting a lot better at that. Kat, give that girl a cookie.”
“Oh, a cookie, Mommy!” Gracie squeals, bopping up and down in her seat.
“Gee, thanks, Sarah,” Kat says. “No, honey. No cookie until after you eat your pizza and broccoli.” Kat shakes her head at Sarah. “I can’t wait to return the favor to you in the very near future—twofold.”
Sarah beams. “I can’t wait, either.”
“Or maybe I’ll take it easy on you, seeing as how you supplied Jack’s name and all. I didn’t think we’d ever be able to pick a name, what with Mr. Opinionated over here vetoing every fabulous idea I had.”
“Oh, yeah. Remy. Such a fabulous idea.”
“I like Remy,” Kat says.
“I do, too,” Sarah says.
“But, of course, I like Jack even better,” Kat says. And without further ado, Kat launches into a detailed story about how she and Josh couldn’t agree on a boy-name until Sarah swooped in a couple days ago with two fantastic suggestions: Jack and Jeremiah.
