by Kai Juniper
"Maybe he's hungry for pudding."
"Or you."
She laughs. "Yeah, I'm sure that's it. Let's get out of here."
I walk with her as she drops off her tray.
"What am I going to say tonight?" I ask.
"Why did you agree to it? You're not even dating the guy anymore."
"We might be. I don't know what's going on with us. But either way, Dean needs those donations. I don't know what he has for insurance but I'm sure it won't be enough to cover his medical bills. I'll do whatever I can to get people to donate."
That afternoon, I scribble down notes of what I might say tonight. Everything I write down sounds stupid. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to this but I really want to help Dean. Despite what's going on with us, I still consider him a friend, and right now, he needs my help.
After school, I'm going in the apartment when my phone rings. My heart races thinking it might be Dean but it's not. I haven't heard from him all day. He's continuing to push me away, and despite what my heart wants, my head is telling me to let him go. Maybe this phone call is a sign to do just that. It's a call from Haverhill.
"Hello?" I answer.
"Hi, is this Brook?" a woman asks.
"Yes. Brook Turner."
"Brook, it's Mrs. Kresly. How have you been?"
I've known Mrs. Kresly forever. She was my kindergarten teacher and I took swimming lessons with her daughter. A few years ago she stopped teaching and took a job in the Haverhill admissions department. She's really nice and one of the people I actually miss from my old school.
"I'm good," I tell her. "How are you?"
"Busy, as always. We've been flooded with admission requests but we just don't have the openings. Everyone's on a wait list, except you, of course. We make exceptions for former students, especially our favorites," she says with a smile in her voice. "We can't wait to have you back at school! Have you decided what day you're starting?"
I'm hit with a surge of panic, my pulse racing as I pace the floor. Am I really doing this? Am I really leaving here and going back to my old school? My old life?
"Brook, are you still there?"
"Yeah. Sorry. I'm here."
"I just need to plug in a date for when you'll be starting. Should I say next week or is that too soon? I wasn't sure about your living arrangements. We could say the following week. Does that work?"
What do I tell her? Should I do it? Should I go? Leave Dean? Leave Eve? Is this really what I want?
Chapter Thirteen
Dean
I'm going crazy in this damn hospital bed. I can't even sleep anymore. I just lie here, thinking about how fucked up my life has become. In less than a week, I lost my brother, my chance at a football scholarship, and Brook, the only girl I've ever loved.
I need to get Jake back but there's not much I can do when I'm stuck in the hospital. I have to trust the police will find him, which I don't. They say they're looking for him but I haven't had any updates for over a day. As soon as I'm out of here, I'll go find him myself.
As for football, I'm out for the season, and any scouts that saw me play before this happened won't want me now that I busted my knee. College is no longer an option. After I graduate I'll have to find a job, probably more than one so I can start saving for Jake's college.
The only part of my life I can fix right now is Brook, but I don't think she'd take me back, not after what I did. I pushed her away one too many times. I haven't heard from her since she left. She's either waiting for me to make the next move or she's given up on me. I almost called her last night but then changed my mind. I didn't know what to tell her. I want to be with her but the way my life is right now I don't know what's ahead for me. I can't make her any promises for a future with me when I don't even know what that future looks like.
Despite all that, I still need to talk to her. I was wrong to push her away. I panicked and did what I always do, but now that I've had time to think about it, I feel like shit for treating her that way. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve another chance with her. But I still love her. I still want her in my life. If she tells me to go to hell, I'll understand. I just hope she doesn't leave. I'll miss her like crazy if she goes back to her old school. It's probably what's best for her but I don't think she'll be happy, and her happiness is all I care about.
It's after seven and I'm wondering if I should call her now or wait. She's probably home right now, unless she did something with Eve. Or maybe she's on a date. Maybe she's already moved on and found someone else. I don't think she'd do that, but the thought keeps popping in my head as I lie here with nothing to do. Being alone with my thoughts is torture. I'm either imagining Jake is in danger or imagining Brook with some other guy.
Danny won't tell me anything about Brook. He said if I want to know about her I have to talk to her myself. I thought she might show up here after school, and when she didn't I felt this emptiness like I've never felt before. I don't want to lose her, but I feel like I already have. I lost the person who means everything to me—all because I let my asshole father control my thoughts. I let him control my life. Even now, I don't think I'm good enough for Brook.
If I truly want her in my life—and if by some miracle she wants me back—I need to fix myself. I need to find a way to let go of the beliefs my dad put in me, telling me I'm worthless and bad, and replace them with the words Brook uses to describe me. Kind. Generous. Loving. A good person. I never in a million years would use those words to describe me, but when Brook did, I almost believed her. I want to believe her. And I want her back. I love her so damn much.
My phone dings with the score from the game. The guys are keeping me updated. The game just started and we scored a touchdown. I notice another text, from Danny, sent a few minutes ago. It's a link. When I click it, it takes me to a video. I turn the phone sideways, making the video bigger. It looks like Brook is standing on the football field next to Danny and Coach. What is she doing there?
I play the video and hear Coach talking. I up the volume so I can hear him better.
"Dean has been one of our best players," he says, "and we're all rooting for him to get better."
Holy shit, he's talking about me! What the hell?
"As many of you know," Coach says, "in addition to recovering in the hospital, Dean is also dealing with the stress of not knowing where his brother is. As of today, we still don't have an update on Jacob, but we're all praying he'll be found and safely returned home." Coach pauses. "With everything that's happened, we send Dean our love and support, and hope that he'll be back here soon. Until then, Danny has started a fund to help Dean out with medical expenses. I'll let Danny explain."
Coach steps aside and Danny steps up to the microphone. "Hey, everyone. Like Coach said, the fund has been set up in Dean's name. The link is on the school website. I also posted it on social media. We want to raise as much money as we can but if you can only give a few dollars, we'll take it. Every little bit counts. Some of you only know Dean from the football field but I've been his friend since we were kids. He's a good friend, and an awesome older brother to Jake. Dean's gone through a lot the past few years, but this is probably the worst. Please consider donating." He steps back, then returns to the microphone. "Oh, before I go, I want to thank Tyler's dad for his donation from the car dealership. He's giving us a thousand bucks for every touchdown we make tonight. Go Tigers!"
The crowd roars as people cheer.
A thousand dollars for each touchdown? We're playing an easy team tonight. We could get at least three touchdowns, probably more. I can't believe Tyler's dad would do that. And I can't believe Danny set up the fund. I need to apologize to him. I've been treating him like shit, pushing him away like I do Brook, but it ends now. Danny's like a brother to me and I can't lose him.
"Hi, everyone." I hear her voice and stare back at the video. Brook's standing at the microphone. "Some of you may not know me. I started here this year. My name is Brook Turner. Since coming to
school here I've gotten to know Dean and his brother Jake, and I just wanted to say, please consider giving a donation, even if it’s just a dollar or two.” She softly smiles. "Dean may come off as a tough guy, and some of you might even be afraid of him, but he's not that guy. He would never hurt anyone. He has one of the kindest, most generous hearts of anyone I know. He would do anything for his brother, Jake, so knowing he's missing right now, and knowing he can't do anything about it, is killing him. He doesn't need medical bills on top of all that." Her voice cracks. "Please consider helping him. And consider going to see him in the hospital. He says he doesn't want people there but do it anyway. He needs our love and support now more than ever. We're a family here, and we don't leave anyone behind." She looks at Coach. "I think it's time to start the game. Go Tigers!"
The crowd cheers and the band starts playing. Brooks walks off camera and the video ends.
I set my phone down and notice tears falling down my cheeks. I quickly wipe them away.
I can't believe Brook did that for me. Actually, I do believe it. That's Brook. She's kind. Selfless. Beautiful, inside and out. Why she ever dated me is a mystery to me. She could have anyone she wants.
On the video she didn't call me her boyfriend. Maybe that means it's over, but I'm not ready for this to end. I need to talk to her. I'd call her but she's at the game. I don't want to call when she's in a crowd of screaming fans.
I text her. I'm sorry, Brook. I screwed up. Again.
I wait a few seconds, then send her another text. I don't deserve you but I want a second chance. Or maybe this is a third. I've lost count. Please just consider it.
I don't get anything back, but she might not be checking her phone. Or maybe she doesn't want to text back because in her mind, we're over.
I text her once more. I love you, Brook. More than anything. And I need to talk to you. Even if you hate me right now, will you at least talk to me?
She doesn't text back, and probably won't. She's done with me. I pushed her too far.
Setting my phone down, I lay back on the bed and close my eyes, imagining Brook, wishing I could see her again. She's the only person who made me feel at peace when things seemed out of control. The only person who made me feel calm, even when I was angry. I don't know how she did it but I know I'll never find someone like that again.
"You said you wanted to talk?"
I open my eyes and see Brook standing there, looking absolutely gorgeous. Her blond hair is down around her shoulders and she's wearing tight jeans and a tiny black t-shirt with our school's name and mascot.
"Brook," I say, wondering if it's really her or if I'm dreaming this. I'm still on a lot of drugs. I might be hallucinating.
"How are you feeling?" she asks, coming up beside me.
"Good. Fine," I mutter, blinking a few times to make sure she's really there. "I thought you were at the game."
"I was, but I left early. I saw your texts on the way over here. You said you wanted to talk?"
"Yes." I take her hand and wait for her to sit down.
She sits on the edge of the bed, looking at me with a sad expression that tells me she's about to end this. She's going back to her old school. Her old life. If only I'd talked to her sooner. If only I hadn't let her leave after our fight. Would the outcome be different? Would she have stayed?
"What is it, Dean?"
I look down at our joined hands. "I want you back. I know I fucked up and I know I pushed you away but I think I finally realize why. And now that I know, maybe I could do better. I WANT to do better." My eyes rise to hers. "It may be too late but I had to at least apologize to you and tell you how I feel. I still love you, Brook, and that will never change, even if you leave. You're the first person in my life who has ever made me believe I'm not the person he told me I was. That I'm not worthless."
She squeezes my hand, concern covering her face. "Dean, is that what you really thought? That you're worthless?"
I pause, then nod, looking down at the bed. "It's all I've ever been told. Even after he left, I could still hear him telling me that. I couldn't make it stop."
"Dean, you are not worthless. You're one of the best people I know."
I shut my eyes, trying to stop any tears, but one manages to break loose, slipping down my face.
"Dean." I feel Brook's body covering mine, her arms wrapping around me. "I wish I could explain to you how much you're loved, not just by me, or Jake, but by everyone at school. The way people cheered for you tonight? And we've already raised five thousand dollars for your medical bills. That's not even counting the donation Tyler's dad is giving us from the car dealership." I feel her pulling away and when I open my eyes, I see her looking back at me. "Did you really think you'd lost me?"
"Did I?" I ask, my heart pounding.
"No." She softly smiles. "Dean, I love you. I'm not giving up on us. You're going through a really hard time right now. I know you didn't mean to treat me that way."
"That's not an excuse. I can't keep pushing you away like that. I panicked and thought it'd be better if you left. I thought if I couldn't give you what you needed, what you deserved, then I had to force you to leave."
"You can't do that, Dean. You can't make those decisions for me. If we want this to work—"
"I know. Believe me, I've thought about this nonstop since you left." My eyes lift to hers. "I need help, Brook. I need to see someone. A counselor, therapist, whatever. I need to fix myself so I can be better for you. And so I don't hurt you." I look down. "I'm so afraid I'll hurt you."
"I don't want that either but if it happens, we'll deal with it. Chad hurt me a lot more than you ever did and I survived."
"I'm not just talking about hurting you emotionally."
"Dean, you'd never hurt me," she says like the very thought of that is ridiculous. "You act all tough but you'd never hurt anyone, especially me."
"I might," I mutter.
"No, you wouldn't. Why would you even say that?"
"Because I'm his son. I look just like him, and I have a temper like him."
"Like your dad? Dean, you're nothing like him."
"I am." I glance away. "I've lost my temper before. Almost killed a guy."
"What are you talking about?"
"At a party. I was drinking. I got in a fight and it got out of control. Danny stopped me but if he hadn't..."
"What? You don't think you would've stopped?"
"I don't know. I really don't."
"Was that the only time?"
"No." I blow out a breath. "Sometimes I get so angry I feel like I can't stop. Like I'm losing control. I'm better than I was a few years ago but sometimes I still feel that way."
"Have you ever felt that way with me?"
"No, and I don't understand why. I've gotten angry with you but there's something about you that calms me down. I don't even get close to the point of losing control. It's different with Jake. When I lose it with him, I have to get out of there. I can't even be around him."
"You really think you'd hurt him?"
"I don't know. I don't trust myself enough to stick around and find out." I gaze down at Brook's tiny hand in mine. "I don't trust myself with you either. Or anyone. It's why I refused to have a girlfriend. Why I'll never have a wife, or a family."
"Dean." She waits until I look at her. "You would never hurt anyone, especially someone you cared about. You would do anything to protect them."
I nod. "I would."
"That should prove to you you're not your father. He almost killed you. His own son. You would never do that. I know you wouldn't."
"I haven't been able to convince myself of that."
"Then I'll help you. We'll do this together."
"But you're leaving. Aren't you going back to Haverhill?"
She smiles. "Would I wear this shirt if I was leaving?"
"I thought you wore it because of the game."
"That was part of it." She looks down at her shirt. "But it was also because I feel l
ike this is where I belong. I went in my closet and took out my old uniform and tried it on and it didn't feel right. It didn't feel like me. I didn't even like having it on. But the shirt I have on now? It reminds me of you. My big strong boyfriend who wins us games."
"Not anymore," I mutter.
"But you might again."
I shake my head. "I'm done. No college wants me now. Not after I hurt my knee."
"They might. You should talk to your coach."
"Wait, are you telling me I might still be able to play?"
She hesitates. "I'm not supposed to say anything."
I smile. "What if I make you?"
"How would you make me?"
"Come closer."
She leans down to me, her sweet flowery scent surrounding me and turning me on. It'll probably be weeks before we can do that again but it doesn't mean I don't want her right now.
Placing my hand behind her head, I pull her mouth down to mine. "Tell me what he said."
"I can't," she whispers.
I kiss her, slowly, the way I know she likes it. She softly moans, her chest melting into mine.
"Which college?" I ask her.
"He didn't say," she whispers.
I kiss her again, slipping my tongue in her mouth. After I've worked her up a little more, her breaths heavy, her moans louder, I pull away. "One school?"
"Three. But there might be more."
"No shit?"
She sits up, smiling. "Your knee's not that bad. A few months of physical therapy and you should be back to normal. Colleges want you, Dean. You just have to pick which one."
A huge wave of relief washes over me. Finally, some good news. I might actually go to college.
"So about you and me," I say. "I just need to confirm this. You're still my girlfriend?"
"I am." She sits back, looking so damn beautiful I want to take her in my arms and never let her go.
"And you're not going back to Haverhill?"
"Nope. You're stuck with me." She leans down to kiss me, and my fears of losing her finally subside, my heart loving her even more for giving me another chance.
