She was still when I fell into her. I might have carried her up a mountain but she threw me off one and then caught me at the bottom. “You’re amazing,” I whispered, kissing her cheek and settling my face in the crook of her neck. “McDonald’s and hot springs sex. You know how to treat a girl,” I said lazily.
“Shhhhh,” she said petting me. “Baby, just rest.”
I felt her bring my hand up to her mouth so she could suck slowly on one of my fingers again. I loved that she did that. I wanted to move and touch her but I was spent. There was nothing left in me right now. The water was so warm and so was she. “You have too many clothes on,” I said, missing skin on skin contact. “But I’m not getting up so whatever.” I was drunk or I felt like I was. More like I had a ton of something, some drug, that made me feel like I was floating.
“You may have to carry me down the mountain or we’re going to live here.” I was just saying whatever came into my mind. Delirious and content, pulled apart at the seams and so satisfied.
“We can stay until the sun sets… It’s beautiful anyway…. It’ll be a lot more beautiful with you…”
“Aww, that’s sweet. Why are you so good to me?” I had no idea where any of it was even coming from but if she asked me anything right now I’d answer. Her bite must contain a truth serum.
“I just love you,” she said softly. “I feel like some chemist got into my head and found my exclusive formula for my dream love and made you.”
“Even though I get crazy hyper and annoy you?” I asked.
“You’re sweet when you’re hyper,” she said. “I’m just so calm on the outside sometimes all your hyperness makes me feel crazier. And I know that's not fun for you.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, and sighed. “I only get this way sometimes. Everything gets really shiny and pretty and I can’t stop. I tend to do things I wouldn’t normally.” I didn’t say anymore. I couldn’t tell her everything, not yet. Not when I barely remembered some of the things I’d managed to do when I got like this.
“What do you mean?” She asked.
“I dunno. It’s just how I feel once in awhile. Usually I’m a lot lower.” I wrapped my arms further around her, already feeling my energy come back. “My moods change. Everybody’s moods change.”
“I feel like we’re always clashing,” she said with a heavy sigh.
“We’ve only been together for two weeks. I’m hoping that we even out and find a rhythm but does it make you scared or feel like you doubt anything.” I drew back, looking down at her and adjusting my legs on hers.
“Of course it makes me scared,” she said. “Everything about you makes me scared. That’s how I know I love you.”
“I don’t want to scare you.” I tipped her chin up. “I’m fighting all the bullshit inside my head because I want this so much. Just don’t think I’m just going to bolt. I might freak out sometimes but if I’m yours, I’m yours. That’s how I work.” I rocked her a little, feeling the need to move.
“I know words are not actions but I’ll back it up, I promise,” I urged.
“If you ever fell out of love with me I think I’d just understand…” She said sadly. “What we have right now is so intense like burning fire… Strong chemical reactions never last…” I could see tears hanging in her eyes. She was scared. “God, I need to stop reading those books,” she said, wiping her tears away in frustration. “Ignore me, please,” she begged quietly.
I didn’t know what to say because there was a way in which she was right. It wasn’t logical.
“There’s always a chance you’d fall out of love with me and not the other way around. It’s a gamble but you made me want to get here. I’m not going to give it up now or make myself miss out on any moments with you because we’re so into one another so quickly. You showed me how my fear was making me miss out on things. So, you can feel the fear just don’t let it make you run away.”
I didn’t mean to spout a monologue at her. I didn’t even know where my words were coming from except from deep inside. My mind had been telling me to run in the beginning and now it was telling me to fight. “I feel like we’ve switched roles a little.” I frowned. “You were the one convincing me of how you felt before and now I feel like me being all in for you is scaring you. Is that true?”
“I was scared before… I’m scared now…,” she explained. “I think I’m just not used to these feelings Avery. I think it makes sense to be terrified. They never talk about that in the books or the stories. They never talk about how love completely dismantles you at times because it can be shattered or be taken or lost or hidden away. No control. That’s love. Love controls you. It’s not the other way around. And they never talk about that. It’s so wrong. Why isn’t it in there?” She was crying now. Like really crying. “I want you but this feeling is just really strong and I’m not used to it. I’m not used to knowing I’d rather kill myself than lose you.”
I was shaking my head from the second she said the word kill. “No, that’s not what I’d want. I don’t want you to ever think about that. Killing yourself. I know you just said it but…” I was feeling something. I had to stop to name it. Its flavor was hot and painful. I tried to control it but my hands balled into fists behind her head. “Don’t ever even think of doing that because you might lose me,” I whispered. My voice was cold, like stone in snow.
She was crying and I wanted to comfort her but the thought of her dying sliced me. The thought of her killing herself was even worse. “You can’t die because of me. Do you even know what that would do?” I’d have to follow her and I’d hate myself. If she died I’d live but only because I couldn’t take myself out of this world. Only an outside force could.
I pushed back, grabbing her face between my hands. I kissed her cheeks where the tears were falling and then the rest of her face. “Promise me.” I shook her a little. “That you’ll never do that.”
“I’m sorry,” she cried. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”
“No, Olivia,” I smoothed my thumbs over her face. “Promise.”
“Okay,” she sighed, not wanting to. “I promise.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I’ve had enough death for a long time. I think yours would hurt even more than Adam’s.” It was true but it wasn’t. They were different. If she killed herself because I wasn’t with her, and I was alive, I would never be able to forgive her and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to hate her ever.
“I know going back home is freaking us both out but I think we should just realize that it’s going to happen and that we’ll figure something out. Maybe we can figure out a way to just spend as much time as we can together.” I said it knowing that if I had to sleep without her I might just lay awake wishing she were there.
“I’ll just sneak into your house every night,” I teased. I was half serious, looking for any way that I could avoid being away from her.
“I wish we were both done with school,” Olivia said. She seemed emotionally wrecked.
“Me too but we will be soon. And when we are we can do whatever we want. I don’t even know where you’re going to college. I assume you’re already in.”
“I was accepted to my first choice but I don’t even want college anymore if college is going to mean no you.”
“What college?” I didn’t even want to discuss her not going.
“Stanford,” she said.
I chewed my lip. “I got accepted there but I can’t afford it. The athletic scholarship they offered me didn’t cover full tuition.”
I’d even thrown out the acceptance letter. There was no way I could even come close to getting that kind of money. My dad’s pay wasn’t that great even as an officer and I’d missed out on the academic scholarships they offered.
“Did you even ask?” Olivia knew me too well… I could hear that tone a mile away. And she was right. I didn’t ask.
“No, we don’t really talk. I’m pretty much on my own, or I was. Now, I don’t know how t
hings are going to be with Dad back.”
Olivia just sat there. She didn’t know what else to say.
“We’ll figure it out.” I hugged her. “You’re going to go. If I can’t figure out a way to pay for it then I’m just coming with you and I’ll do something else. We’re not going to let money stop us, are we?”
“I didn’t even want to think about all this,” she mumbled.
“I know. I suck,” I laughed. “I’m always asking too many questions.” Her frown made me sad so I leaned down, kissing her to make it disappear. “So, we’re in this place all surrounded by really pretty scenery. I can still feel where your teeth were about fifteen minutes ago and we’re talking about college. This isn’t right.”
I pulled her back and spun, switching our places. “You deserve better.”
“I’m too sad for sex,” she started to awkwardly laugh through her tears.
I gasped. “Olivia Holbrook turning down sex from me?” I looked around, pretending to freak out. “Did the world just stop turning? Is the apocalypse coming? Am I losing my touch?”
“Stop,” she laughed sweetly. “I mean it. I’m too weak from you. Too tender. I want you too much. If you touch me I’ll stop breathing. I’ll just break.”
“That’s okay, I’ll give you my breath and it’ll be fine.” I relented though, just happy to look at her and try to cheer her up. “We will be okay. We have to be.”
“I’m sorry I’m freaking out…” She said. “I’m not usually like this. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
I ran my thumb along her bottom lip, watching her speak. “It’s okay. You owe me about three freak outs anyway. It’s weird. Now that you’re freaking out, I’m not. Not sure what that says but maybe it’s a good thing.”
She leaned in and hugged me tighter. “You’re still the best thing to ever happen to me,” she whispered.
“Likewise,” I returned.
As soon as she hugged me I realized how cold every part of my body was that was above the water. I tried not to shiver.
“You’re right,” she said, feeling me. “It’s getting cold. We should go.”
“Only if you let me drive back,” I grinned.
“Yes please,” she smiled shyly.
I lifted her off of me and stood up, kissing her nose before I turned to get out of the pool. I was shuddering with cold by that point and just happy to dry off.
In the distance I could see Olivia completely undressing. “It’ll be better if I take it off,” she said. She wasn’t teasing me though, just telling the truth.
I walked over to her and wrapped her up in my towel. She leaned into me and I reached around her, hugging the towel to her body. “You’re super smart,” I breathed. And then I started drying her body, slowly, not putting anything into the touches but care.
She let me and I felt love seize my being. “There,’ I said, finishing with the back of her legs. “Better.” I turned the towel on myself and dried off quickly, stepping away to start dressing.
We were solemn, sad with the realization that life wasn’t going to just let us have our happily ever after right now. Once I had my boots on, I joined her at the head of the trail and we started down, going quicker than we had on the way up. I didn’t have to carry her. She walked in silence. I kept her pace this time, not wanting to rush her.
We made it to the car and I opened the passenger door for her. The keys were still in my pocket and I stepped around to the driver’s side once she was in. The car roared to life and I backed out, finding my way back to the other road. Once I went somewhere I always remembered the way.
Something my dad and I shared in common. Some of his traits weren’t so bad to have. Olivia was curled in the passenger seat, looking out the window as I sped along the highway. I didn’t know if I should speak or let her be.
I let her have her silence but I did reach over and take her hand, looking at the road right after. She brought my hand to her lips and kissed it like always. It was starting to become a gesture I expected. It felt right. She shifted, letting go of my hand and taking her coat off and folding it to lay across the console.
I saw what she was doing, reading her motions and intentions. “Here,” I said, shrugging out of my own coat. I hadn’t bothered to zip it up. I kept the wheel steady with one hand as I pulled my arm out and she helped me with the other side. I switched hands on the wheel and handed my jacket to her. She put it on top of hers and pressed down, making sure it was how she wanted.
I smiled at her as she lay across the coats, her head coming to rest in my lap. “You’re too cute.” I ran my hand along her face and drew her hair back. I could tell she needed to rest so I let her. While she drifted off I looked ahead, getting us back safely and trying to think of how we would succeed instead of all the ways we could fail.
Love was the greatest power I’d ever known. With it more seemed possible for me. I just had to try. She made me want to reach out and make a place in the world for us. I couldn’t do it without her and I hoped that I was strong enough to carry us through this doubtful time.
She sighed when I ran my hand through her hair. She was continually surprising me and we had only discovered a small portion of each other’s lives. We knew the insides pretty well but it was our environments and how they affected us that would be the next bit of information to gather.
I wanted to see her in her every day environment. Her parents didn’t sound like people I’d want to spend a lot of time with but I wanted to meet them. She came from them so I wanted to see. And I would have to see how my life at home was before I even imagined if I could bring her there.
These were thoughts best left to the drive home. I pulled into the lodge parking lot. The drive back seemed short, too short. I pulled up to the valet stand and reached down to touch Olivia’s face. “Babe, wake up. We’re here.”
She slowly rose, bleary eyed and yawning, looking like she could use another five hours of sleep. I got out of the car, grabbing the bag with our towels in it and waiting for her, slipping the keys into the valet’s hands.
When she got to the other side of the car she was holding both of our coats and I held my hand out to her. She took it, walking in with me. “I’m putting you to bed.”
I liked taking care of her. It wasn’t like with my Mom. I wanted to protect her, hold her and watch over her, even guard her if need be. We made our way up in the elevator, she leaned into me the whole way, eyes closed and nearly sleeping.
When the doors opened I guided her out, making sure she didn’t trip or stumble. We got to the room and I pulled the keycard out of her pocket, pushing our bodies apart so I could reach in and scramble around for it. She laughed and jumped a little, making me smile. I hadn’t meant to tickle her.
“You’re drunk,” I told her.
We got in the room and I took our coats from her and threw them on the chair by the bed, propping her against the wall for a second so I could take off her clothes. I wanted to sleep naked with her on our last night. It just felt better, her skin on mine.
I undressed her and thankfully she had enough energy to keep herself standing until I backed her over to the bed and eased her back, reaching down to pull her shoes off. She curled up, cold on the unmade bed, grabbing at the comforter.
I quickly undressed myself, tossing my clothes in the general direction of my bag and I reaching over to turn out the light, slipping into bed with her. She instantly uncurled and pulled me in, arms going around my body and her leg wrapping up around my hip. I pulled the covers all the way over us and settled in.
“Goodnight, princess.” I kissed her lightly and settled back, watching her in the near dark of the room. “I’m the lucky one,” I whispered, closing my eyes and trying to sleep.
Chapter Forty-One
Olivia
When Avery had me and I slept so very sound.
No one took care of me like that. No one ever.
When I woke to the sunlight streaming in from the crack in the dra
pes I was mortified.
I’d given in to someone. I’d let myself let go.
I trusted that someone else would be good to me.
These were things I just didn’t do.
My eyes flickered open and I could feel her lying beneath me, holding me, and running a hand through my hair.
Her eyes were locked on something and then I saw she was reading my book.
I shifted closer onto her, hugging myself to her in that way that was more than obvious.
Today was the end of our bubble. After today it was all again up in the air.
“Morning,” she said, tightening her arm around me and turning the page.
“Are you really reading or did you just want to seem perfect when I woke up?”
“I’m really perfect,” she joked.
“Mmm,” I hummed. She was perfect. “What time is it?”
“Nearly 9,” she said allowing the book to fall down. “This book is sad,” she seemed peeved.
“You’ve barely read any of it,” I noted.
“Yeah but it feels sad.”
“I know,” I sighed. “It’s more a feeling than anything else. That’s why I love it.”
“You love to be sad?”
“I guess,” I laughed, pushing up onto her body and kissing her skin. I just loved to feel something. I loved to read something that made me feel more than think.
I’d gone from deep sleep to intense craving. Her body was so soft and I loved the feeling of her naked beneath me.
“That book is like love,” I said, stealing touches and tasting her everywhere. “It’s messy and dark and filled with longing. It’s like the feeling I get when I’m away from you. The way I crave you,” I was kissing down her body, using my tongue and my teeth to taste her freely, tortured as I was.
“When have you had time to miss me?” Avery teased.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 36
