“In the beginning,” I said, resting my head on her stomach and feeling her heartbeat. “I missed you before I had you. Like a storm or a change in weather. I felt you on the air. In every breeze and every bit of stillness. I had to suffer. I knew you were out there. Knew I wanted you. Knew it could probably never be... All the time I felt you. All the time I sensed you were out there without me, not knowing me, not knowing what I felt.”
I turned my face into her stomach and began kissing her skin again. I wanted to kiss everything before leaving this room.
I wanted to make sure that we’d done enough to hold us over through the storm of being apart again, the storm of having to be without and having to most likely doubt.
It was all uncertain, how we would be when life resumed?
For now I wished to dwell. But we didn’t have much time.
Soon we really did have to go.
My eyes shot up to hers as I let my chin drag down her stomach leaving a trail of sensation.
A small sound escaped her as I smiled and buried my face in her soft hair, sliding my tongue out slow and tasting her sex for the very first time. She was smooth and delicious. Her sex almost as tasty as the noises she made while I teased her.
Like usual we lost ourselves in each other.
On this morning I was in the right place to happily give. But she took from me after that, relieving me greatly. Our sex was the best sex. I had no doubt about any of that.
We showered together. It was hard to get ourselves to stop touching.
Eventually we dried and dressed.
We left the room brave and tried to stave off the impending storm that would come.
In the lobby everyone was talking and laughing.
There was a free breakfast but it wasn’t that good.
I knew I’d take us somewhere else on the road, somewhere better.
Avery emailed the papers to Mrs. Chen inbetween the sex and the shower.
It was all done, all set. We were going to go home.
When it finally came time to leave, it felt surprisingly right.
I sat down on a cushy bench off to the side of the lobby when it became clear we were all waiting for the bus before anyone could go. The bench was long and luxurious. It wasn’t hard or stuffy but it looked plain and I liked that about it right away.
I stretched out and lay onto my side. After a while I just began to stare at everyone else, especially her.
I could’ve easily pulled Avery outside and just left with her but it seemed nicer to wait and not rub it in everyone’s faces.
Eventually she caught sight of me. I don’t think she knew where I had gone.
“What’re you doing over here?” Avery asked, coming back to me after joking with her friends.
“I just want to remember this place,” I said, holding out my hand and taking hers. I’d been here before and the place held meaning in that way but now it was now our place, now it was the place we fell in love, the place we became everything to one another, the place where we fought and kissed, the place where we got to live the dream. The place where we proposed.
I wanted to remember this feeling of being here, this feeling of learning her for the first time.
Avery came closer, scooting her body down next to mine and laying down onto her back.
I felt my eyes flicker while seeing her so close again.
“Mmm,” she hummed, staring up at me. “You haven’t done that in a while.”
Her hand came up and stroked my cheek as she pulled me down to kiss her, I fell into her so soft and right all my breath left me, she took it away.
As we kissed I felt my body slide more ontop of hers, my leg slipping between her legs as I craved her so instantly, needing her to kiss me and keep me and never ever ever think to stop.
Our mouths played at fighting as my entire body weakened, falling into hers and wanting to still.
“Shit,” I heard Skylar's voice. It took a second for me to pull away and even longer for my eyes to swim open.
“Oh, hey,” Avery said, looking over at her with curiosity in her tone.
“Hey,” Sky said, shaken. She’d been watching us.
Oddly enough, Skylar looked a bit dire, a bit thirsty.
“D-didn’t mean to interrupt,” Skylar blushed bright red before her face changed into a soft nervous smile. “I just wanted to say bye to Olivia,” she said, switching her eyes up to mine. I could see in her way more than I should. “I know we didn’t get much time but I did like meeting you and I’m glad that you’re here for her,” she said. “She told me…” Skylar said. “About everything and… I just wish I could’ve been helpful but I’m glad you were there when she needed someone. I just wanted you to know that I’m grateful for you.”
I pushed myself to get up and Avery followed but then she stood.
“Thanks,” I said oddly, still down on the bench. I didn’t know what else to say.
Avery had told her?
What had Avery said?
I lay back down but this time on my stomach so I could hide my face in my arms and just breathe for a second.
Avery led Skylar away and talked to her all alone for a little bit.
I watched them talk and eventually hug. It seemed sweet. Skylar seemed like she was recovering from some things and I noticed that.
When Avery came back I was more than ready to leave.
I’d worked myself up this whole time to jump and trust that the rowdy wind would carry me back to her no matter the journey.
I didn’t have space or time to think about what all that was, at least, not just yet.
“Come on,” Avery sighed, looking down at me. “Lets get outta here.”
“You sure?” I asked.
“Yup,” she said, taking my hand and helping me to stand.
I rolled my suitcase behind me as we walked out the door.
I knew where Ben was the whole time but I made myself remember Avery telling me that we couldn’t chase him and she was right.
The car came up and I let Avery take the keys.
We sat for a second just inside the cabin without moving.
“You ready?” She asked, looking over at me.
“Ready as I can be,” I said.
She switched the car into drive and made the tires screech on the way out of the parking lot. Sometimes she was such a boy.
We drove and sang mostly Ellie Goulding sounds. Occasionally I’d have to tell her where to turn and we’d both laugh if she missed it.
Being loose with her was my favorite of all our time. I learned so much about her when we were just talking and singing, just being in the same space without needing the company of others around.
It was great but I was still distracted. I kept thinking of this stop I had to make, this small little shop, we’d have to detour a ways but I knew I had to do something for Avery, something symbolic, something kind.
“What are you thinking?”
“I’m hungry,” I said, lying. “Also I know a great diner up ahead. Are you hungry?”
“Are you kidding? You’ve been stealing my energy for days. Of course I’m hungry.”
“I think you have enough,” I teased, holding her hand and pulling it over to me. I kissed her fingertips one by one and sucked on her ring finger watching her eyes as they closed.
“Umm,” she said thirstily. “Maybe you shouldn’t do that while I drive.”
“Maybe,” I mumbled, but I kept her finger in my mouth and cradled it softly with my tongue, sucking it gently and gliding it in and out of my mouth slowly but never letting it leave all the way.
“I need you to feed me,” I mumbled.
“Okay,” she gulped, trying to concentrate on the drive.
We pulled up to the diner around 11 and ate generously, having a more than good time.
On the way out I convinced her she needed to rest a little and that I should definitely drive.
The turnoff to the shop was up ahead in about fifteen miles an
d I knew Avery’d probably know something was off if she was the one driving when our car turned away off the main road.
“Thanks baby,” I said, giving her a kiss before walking around to get into the driver’s seat.
My heart was beating so fast. I only prayed she wouldn’t notice it.
She smelled so good when she leaned into me just outside the car.
My head swam with all the delicious memories of our week away.
I got in and drove. Avery fiddled with the radio, looking for something.
“Oh, I have Bluetooth,” I said. “I’m just lazy.”
“Oh,” Avery said, taking her phone out of her pocket and fiddling around.
I pressed the right buttons so she wouldn’t have to try hard to figure out how to connect the damn thing.
As we drove I knew we were getting closer and closer.
I was just worried she might get upset with me. What I was about to do wasn’t fair.
I just knew I wanted to give her this before we had to part for the night, before our old lives started up again and we’d have to go through it all pretending we weren’t dying to be together.
The song that started up was energized to say the least.
I started laughing.
“Shut up,” Avery teased, pushing me. “I want you to listen,” she said, starting it again.
This time I made sure to concentrate.
I took the turn I was worried about while listening. I could feel the car pulling me to go where I was going.
It was so right.
Then I started hearing her song.
And she reeeeally started singing.
Something about being made to feel like a girl, wanting to dress up and wear high heels. Being too scared to hold my hand. The song was about all those feelings she’d just gone through and I loved it.
I felt like pulling the car right over, getting out and attacking her to shut her up.
Not because she was annoying. That wasn’t it. She was adorable. She was everything.
Sometimes I couldn’t take her, that’s all.
She let loose on the vocals, wowing me in every way.
I drove and tried to contain myself. It was weird to want to laugh, cry, and climb a mountain all at the same time. Usually I didn’t feel like doing much of any of those things.
Avery had changed me so much.
She brought me to life.
My eye caught sight of the place I needed to go. It was a small shop that specialized in handmade candles and soap but I knew the owner. From the outside it was terribly cutsy, a small box cottage in the middle of nowhere, straight out of a Thomas Kinkade painting.
I prayed to god Avery would stay in the car.
Hurried, I parked the car. “Wait here,” I said, rushing to just do this. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I wanted it done.
“Olivia?” As soon as I entered I heard a familiar voice.
“Hi, yeah,” I said, smiling. “Thanks for doing this. I know it was an odd request.”
“No, it’s great! You know I’d been meaning to sell. It was just an accident after all.”
I hadn’t seen Roberta in a long while. But I followed her Facebook and she always posted these blogs I tried to keep up on. She was one of my mom’s best friends, one I actually liked.
“Is it okay if I ask who it’s for?”
“Oh, yeah, it’s—” I thought about my parents finding out and stopped myself from speaking the truth. “I have a friend who needs it,” I lied. “He doesn’t have much money and I just… I really know he loves this girl.”
“Young love,” Roberta sighed.
She was an old friend of my mother’s, I rarely saw her but loved her dearly and always thought fondly of a special trip we took together out to Arizona. That trip was all sleeping under the stars and telling whimsical desert tales about the burning heat and the stinging sand and the mirages that could capture you and make you think you’d found paradise if only for a day.
“Well, here ya go,” she said, handing me the soft velvet box. “I hope he likes it. The store would NOT take it back. They said once you agree to have it sized it’s out of their hands. Horrible really, it was so expensive.”
“Well, don’t worry, I’ll pay you in full,” I smirked.
“I felt like such an idiot, isn’t that funny? I’m licensed to marry people and I had no idea it was an engagement ring! Sadie opened it up and gave me the strangest look.”
“I only wish I could’ve been there,” I laughed. To me it wasn’t surprising. Roberta only did like new age weddings. Sadie was her daughter, stuck up and spoiled. If my parents had given me this ring I would’ve worn it all the time. No matter what it was supposed to mean or who it was supposed to be from.
It was a beautiful ring. So very beautiful.
Roberta handed me the case.
When the box touched my skin all my hair stood up on my arms and I immediately began to shake.
It’s like that saying, that principle… Chekhov’s gun.
One must never place a loaded rifle on the stage if it isn’t going to go off. It’s wrong to make promises you don’t mean to keep.
The ring was in my hand. This was it. The deed would be done.
And oh how I meant to keep this promise. Oh how I meant with all my heart to be Avery’s and live for her from here on out. I meant it when I first thought it and ever since then.
Nervously, and worried that Avery might come in, I pulled my checkbook out of my wallet and wrote a check before handing it over.
“I wish I could stay awhile,” I said, guilt only temporarily tempering me. “Sorry it was so last minute. I just got the idea and thought it was at least worth a try since I was already out here anyway.”
“No worries honey. You’ve got a drive ahead of you still. I understand. Just tell your mom I said hi. And take a picture of the lucky girl! I wanna see that ring with a smile instead of a grimace like Sadie’s!”
“I’ll do that,” I laughed, putting my wallet and the box back into my bag.
I was out of there so fast I even surprised myself.
Being rude was never something I liked to do. I liked spending time with older people one-on-one. I always had.
I threw my bag in the back seat to hide it from Avery as I got back in and sped off as fast as I’d ever driven with her inside.
“Okay… Are you gonna tell me what that was about or?”
“Shhh,” I silenced her.
Her music was still playing but it was a different song now.
“Vi—” She said.
She wouldn’t let me take her somewhere nice. She was going to make me do this somewhere random like that stop sign ahead or that crappy auto dealership on the left side of the road.
“Avery. I know that was weird back there but can you please just leave it for ten more minutes. I promise. Ten minutes. Please?” I looked over at her feeling desperate.
I was bad at putting things off. Bad at knowing I wanted to do something right and feeling like there was no way to succeed.
In that way I was more into ripping the Band-Aid off clean and risking the potential loss of skin. When Avery got into the pool yesterday she slowly took the stairs. When I got in the pool I usually dove headfirst. That was very symbolic for us.
If I followed this road out I knew I’d hit the lake.
I pushed the pedal hard and wound down the cliff-side hoping it hadn’t hurt her that I asked her to stay quiet and give me time.
“Okay but you’re scaring me,” she said.
“It’s alright,” I exhaled, more in a breath than in words.
“You don’t look alright. You look shaken.”
“Ten minutes?!” My voice rose in frustration.
We were getting closer and I could see the place where I wanted us to be off in the distance but it would take time to pass all the houses and docks and find the one place I wanted to give her this gift. I couldn’t let it be just any place. It had to be
important.
Avery was quiet.
It made me sad that she didn’t sing.
Seven minutes. That’s all it took. I pulled my car up to the familiar dock and got out. I knew I was nervous, too nervous, but I couldn’t think about that.
“Okay, now will you tell me?” Avery asked, stepping out of the car.
I was on the other side, digging the box out of my bag. I put it into my left hand and walked around the front of the car to see her.
The place wasn’t public, it was private. The dock had to be owned by someone but it was a little to the left of the property and you had to walk beneath an old trellis and over some patchy grass just to use it. The place was so quiet it startled me now.
“Give me your hand,” I said, holding out my right.
“Okay,” she smiled nervously.
Once I had her I turned to look out at the dock and walk forward.
I felt my feet on the old wood. This dock wasn’t one I often used but I remembered sitting here all day once and reading right at the end all alone thinking about the Loch Ness monster and that part in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire where they have to go down inside and breathe like normal while hunting for something, searching to win the Triwizard Tournament. I spent hours reading here that day and all to escape, all to get away.
“Vi, what is this place? Why are we here?”
As we neared the edge of the dock I felt my breath shakily escape me. It was like I was cold but I wasn’t. It was like I’d been in that lake and now I was freezing but that wasn’t the case.
I thought of Avery, cold, the other day. Avery on her dock at her lake. Her own personal fight.
It suddenly felt so important to be doing this here and now.
We got to the end and I lowered myself down, lifting my dress until I could feel both of my knees pushing hard on the planks of the thick grainy wood.
When I looked back up at her I just knew I had tears in my eyes already but I couldn’t fight them. I had to do this. This was the right time.
“I love you,” I said, giving in to the moment. The words were so important. Every time I said them I knew they weren’t enough. How could words be enough for this feeling inside? I stared up at her wondering if she could tell how much, how hard it was to contain, how much I wanted to be there for her all the time.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 37
