How to Be a Normal Person

by TJ Klune

  Josiah said, “Me either. I’m so stoned.”

  “Stand up,” Bertha whispered. “You’re embarrassing yourself.”

  Bernice stood up. “You’re embarrassing,” she muttered.

  “Stand up,” Xander snapped. “We have work to do.”

  Josiah stood up. “You’re work to do,” he muttered.

  They all turned to Gus and Casey.

  “What’s going on, guys?” Casey asked with his lazy smile.

  But Gus knew. Gus knew right away what was going on. “Oh no,” he whispered in a blind panic. “It’s the if-you-hurt-him-best-friend speech. Of doom.”

  STEP 4: The If-You-Hurt-Him-Best-Friend Speech

  Chances are, if the two groups of friends get together, there is going to be the dreaded If-You-Hurt-Him-Best-Friend Speech, also known as the “Shovel Talk.” This speech allows the friends of the lovers to casually threaten death and dismemberment should one of the lovers do anything to hurt the other lover.

  It is a necessary rite of passage in order to grow as lovers. Regardless of that fact, it can be rather intimidating when you have people intimidating you over the happiness and well-being of another. Bear in mind, that if you get to this point, it’s a good thing! The friends have deemed you worthy enough to threaten your life.

  It’s best to take this speech seriously. Maintain eye contact the entire time with whoever is speaking. Nod your head in acknowledgment while they speak to make sure they know you understand them. Do not get defensive at any point, or you might come off as cold and callous. Assure the friends that you have your lover’s best interests at heart and you will never do anything to intentionally hurt him.

  Here is an example of the wrong reaction to have:

  “I hear what you’re saying, Mai Lin. But you know what? Go jump off a building into a stack of cement blocks. I can do what I want, whenever I want. You ain’t the boss of me. And if Joaquin has a problem with me, he can tell me himself. If he has the guts to bring it up, that is, that poofter. He knows who butters his bread. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have to go flirt with that waiter over there carrying the couscous. He’s got buttocks that just won’t quit.”

  Here is an example of the right reaction to have:

  “Thank you, Mai Lin and other racially diverse friends of my lover. I hear your concerns and appreciate you relaying them to me. As you know, Joaquin and I are very much enamored with each other and I believe in an open line of communication. I can’t promise he will never be upset, but I will always do my best to fix it. I will never intentionally hurt him. He is a great guy and I am super thrilled to be a part of his life almost as much as I am to be a part of yours. We should play tennis next week, or some other activity that will allow us to get to know each other better. I’ve got a racket if you’ve got the balls.”

  GUS WAS very, very sweaty.

  Casey had disappeared with the We Three Queens while the Three Ironic Amigos forced him to sit on the couch across from them. They all sat up straight, arms across their chests, staring (glaring?) at Gus. Josiah had a bit of a dazed smirk on his face. Serge was frowning slightly. Xander was openly scowling.

  For a brief moment, Gus was pissed off that these three had the gall to try and intimidate him after only having met him a few hours before. Who the fuck did they think they were, coming here and trying to act like they had any right to speak to him about his boyfriend.

  And wasn’t that just a strange thought he hadn’t yet wrapped his mind around? Gustavo Tiberius, of all people, had a boyfriend. An asexual hipster stoner boyfriend who smiled like sunshine and shit talked when playing Scrabble. There was a little hurt in his chest at the thought of having someone to call his own—

  (One hundred and fifty-seven days before he died, Pastor Tommy said, “It’s not working anymore, Gussy. The chemo. The proton therapy. The synthetic drugs that feel like poison. It’s not working anymore. They said there’s nothing more they can do. A specialist gave me two months. Another gave me four. And all the while, during the whole time I’m sitting there listening to them tell me I’m going to die, that I’m going to waste away into nothing, you know what I thought? I told myself how could I be leaving so soon? How could I be crawling off this earth when there is so much left to do? There are so many things I never got to see, okay? The aurora borealis. Mount Rushmore. People leaving their guns and their hate behind. I’ll never get to see someone make a rational fucking decision on House Hunters International, oh my god, what is their problem? But the one thing that I’ll never get to see, Gussy, the one thing I’ll regret more than anything else in the world, is never getting to see the day when you fall in love. God, how beautiful that day is going to be. How perfect. How wonderful. You listen to me, okay? You listen to me. When that day happens, when you find him, you hold on with all of your might, because if there is anyone in this world that deserves that, it’s you. It’s you, Gussy, I promise.”)

  Whatever. He wasn’t in love, but it still pissed him off.

  “Gus,” Xander said. “We wanted to talk to you, one on one.”

  “Three on one, but okay,” Gus said.

  “He’s our friend,” Josiah said, eyes slightly glazed. “We’ve known him a long time.”

  “And we worry about him, you know?” Serge said. “Things weren’t… good. For him. For a little while before he left. A lot of stress with books and agents and movies and people thinking they had his best interests at heart but only caring about their bottom line.”

  “He decided to get away,” Xander said. “To clear his head. To find perspective. And almost immediately, it was Gus. Gus. Gus.”

  “That’s not my fault,” Gus said, trying very hard not to scowl. Normal people did not scowl when getting interrogated by a boyfriend’s friends. Normal people probably had a Stepford smile and asked if they could refresh anyone’s lemonade.

  Except.

  No one was drinking lemonade.

  Gus scowled briefly.

  “No one is saying it is,” Josiah said. “At all.”

  “Absolutely not,” Serge said.

  “Mostly,” Xander said. “Look, Gus. You seem like a… nice guy, but are you even remotely prepared for what it means to be with Casey?”

  Gus narrowed his eyes. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  They all exchanged looks. “He’s told you about himself, right?” Josiah said carefully.

  “About his… preferences?” Serge asked.

  Gus was confused. “You mean the hipster thing? I know I give him shit for it, but I really don’t care about that. Sure, maybe he shouldn’t Instagram every single little thing, but it’s not hurting anything aside from my sense of propriety. I may not understand you hipsters, but that doesn’t mean I dislike you. To be honest, I’m not really sure I know exactly what a hipster is. You all have facial hair and sometimes dress like a fancy homeless person, but that doesn’t mean that’s all you are, right?”

  They stared at him.

  “Right,” Gus said, even though he wasn’t sure if he was right.

  Xander coughed. “I wasn’t talking about the hipster thing.”

  “Oh. Then what are you talking about?”

  “Casey’s asexual,” Serge said.

  “I know,” Gus said.

  “You do?” Josiah asked. “When did he tell you?”

  Gus rolled his eyes. “Like, two days after I met him.”

  They all looked stunned. Gus tried not to squirm.

  “Well, then,” Xander finally said. “What do you think about it?”

  “What’s there to think about? It is what it is. It doesn’t change anything.”

  “Do you know what being asexual means?” Xander asked, and Gus was getting even more annoyed.

  “I may not know some stuff,” Gus said. “Like technology, or whatever. But I’m not stupid. I didn’t know at first, but I asked and he explained. So yes. I know.”

  “Good,” Xander said. “So that means you know that you won’t be
having sex with him.”

  Gus bristled. “I am aware of what it means. I don’t care about that part.”

  “Really?” Xander asked. “So what’s going to happen when you want to get fucked, Gus? Or when you want to fuck someone?”

  “Xander,” Serge admonished. “Don’t be crude.”

  Josiah was frowning. “Seriously, man. Casey said you shouldn’t be a dick. And you’re being a dick.”

  “I’m just making sure our new friend here understands what he’s getting into,” Xander said, his eyes never leaving Gus. “I worry.”

  “Well don’t,” Gus said. “Because you have nothing to worry about with me.”

  “Really,” Xander said, leaning forward, elbows on his knees. “Did he tell you that he and I dated?”

  “Yes,” Gus said, voice neutral.

  “Did he tell you for how long?”

  “A few months.”

  “Did he tell you why we broke up?’

  “No,” Gus said. “Because I didn’t ask. It’s none of my business.”

  “I love him,” Xander said bluntly. “I don’t know what kind of love it is anymore. Friend, family. Or more. I don’t know. But I am also a sexual person. I’m not asexual. I’m not demisexual. I’m homosexual. I like sex. I like fucking. That’s not all that I am, of course, but it is a part of me. I knew what I was getting into with Casey when we decided to try and make it more. I knew what would and wouldn’t happen. I thought I knew myself better. It was fine, at first. I jerked off more than I’d ever had in my life, but it was fine. Until it wasn’t.”

  Gus wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to this, so he said nothing at all.

  “It was embarrassing,” Xander said, averting his eyes. “I thought I was stronger than I was. But when it came down to it, I needed more than he could offer. So I told him this. And you know what he told me? He told me it was fine for me to go and fuck other people. As long as there were no feelings involved, it was fine. As long as I came back to him, it was fine. It wasn’t fine, though. Because even though he doesn’t want a sexual relationship, he’s just like everyone else. He got jealous. I got mad. He got mad. We broke up. We didn’t speak to each other for almost two months. But he was my friend first, so I made sure I got that back.”

  “I don’t know what that has to do with me,” Gus said when it looked like Xander had finished. “I’m not you.”

  “No shit,” Xander snorted. “You are the furthest thing from me there is.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  “The problem,” Xander said, “is that eventually, you’re going to want to fuck. He can’t give that to you, and so you’ll look elsewhere. And it will crush him.”

  “But you just said I’m nothing like you,” Gus said. “So why would I do what you did?”

  “Oh snap,” Josiah muttered, looking uncomfortable.

  Xander ignored him. “What do you identify as?”

  Gus narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

  “Gay?” Xander asked. “Bi? Asexual? Demisexual? Gray-sexual? What are you?”

  “I’m Gus,” he said. “That’s it.”

  “Everyone is something, Gus.”

  “I know,” he said. “But that’s really it. I’m Gus. I work in a video store that no one really goes to. I own some buildings. I have a pet ferret. I read an inspirational message off a calendar every morning even though I don’t want to. My friends are all two times my age or more. I read encyclopedias. I miss my dad. And I think I might worship the ground Casey walks on. That’s it. That’s who I am.”

  “That doesn’t cover your sexual orientation, Gus.”

  “Maybe,” Gus said. “But why does it matter? Why do I need to be defined as anything? Why can’t I just be who I am without some asshole trying to make me into something I’m not?”

  Serge laughed, but covered it up with a cough.

  “Look, Xander,” Gus said, trying to ignore the way Xander was glaring. “I’m not you. I’m not any of you. Maybe I don’t quite know what I identify as. And maybe it really doesn’t matter. I’ve had sex. It was fine. But I don’t need it to be a person in a relationship. I jerked off last like four months ago. Maybe I have a low sex drive. Maybe I don’t want it at all. And maybe all I can think about is how when I get to hug Casey, it feels like the best thing in the world. And maybe, just maybe, none of that concerns you. So do me a favor and back the fuck off.”

  “Dude,” Josiah breathed. “So fucking badass. This was like Mortal Kombat. Finish him!”

  “Just be cool, yeah?” Serge said to Gus. “Casey really likes you. Honestly, I’ve never seen him that way with anyone. You’re a cool dude, Gustavo. I have mad respect for you.”

  “Thank you,” Gus said nervously. “I also have mad respect for you as well.” Well, as much as one could have for a stoner hipster yoga instructor with imported Italian tiles. Gus kept that part to himself, though. He wasn’t one to rock the boat, and he thought he’d used up his bravery quota for the day.

  Xander said, “You’re all right, Tiberius. I guess we can see where this goes.”

  Gus huffed. “Thanks. Now that I have your approval, I can rest easy tonight, oh my god.”

  Maybe not quite all his bravery quota for the day.

  LATER, WHEN Casey was walking him home, Gus asked how it’d gone with the We Three Queens.

  Casey paled slightly. “They can be very scary when they want to be.”

  Gus grinned.

  Casey said, “I really like it when you smile.”

  And they hugged on Gus’s porch for a very long time. When Casey finally pulled away, he pressed a brief, dry kiss to Gus’s lips. He walked down the stairs and whistled as he disappeared into the dark.

  Chapter 18

  SO! THERE he was! Gustavo Tiberius! He’d won the approval of Casey’s friends. He’d held his own against an ex-boyfriend. He’d shown that he wasn’t going to be intimidated. He was pretty sure he was at least 97.8 percent normal. He wore colors. He smiled quite a bit more. He laughed sometimes. If that’s what it meant to be normal, then Gus was as normal as they came!

  He had a boyfriend who liked him.

  He had friends that had his back.

  He had a job and was financially comfortable.

  He had a ferret named Harry S. Truman.

  His life was pretty darn wonderful and—

  His alarm went off at two thirty in the morning and he groaned, “Oh my god, I hate everyone, fuck my life, goddamn hipster yoga instructors.”

  Of which there was one knocking on his door exactly thirty minutes later, looking fresh as a daisy whereas Gus looked as fresh as a dumpster behind an Arby’s in Phoenix. He couldn’t remember how he’d ended up agreeing to this. Maybe it stemmed from the slight guilt that was the if-you-hurt-him-best-friend speech. Or maybe he was just a sadist. He would have to look up sadism on Tumblr later.

  “Ooh,” Serge said, pushing his way past Gus. “Someone is not a morning person.”

  “It’s not morning,” Gus grumbled. “It’s very late at night. I am not a very-late-at-night person.”

  “We’ll change that,” Serge said. “Now, go put on your yoga pants and we’ll start with some basic poses.”

  “Put on my what now?”

  “Yoga pants.”

  “Right,” Gus said. “I don’t have those.”

  Serge looked slightly horrified. “You don’t? But… everyone should have yoga pants.”

  “I don’t do yoga!”

  “What does that have to do with anything?”

  It was either way too late or early to argue. Gus said, “I do have Yasser Arapants. That might be the same thing.”

  Serge scrunched up his face. “Isn’t he a dead Palestinian leader?”

  “Exactly.”

  Serge nodded sagely, like the wise yoga instructor he was. “I can work with this.”

  GUS LEARNED three things during his very first (and most likely very last) yoga session.

  Fi
rst, he could not contort his body in the slightest. Serge commented on his lack of bendi-ness. Gus asked him politely to never make up words in his house again, oh my god.

  Second, Serge wasn’t that bad for a hipster. Gus never thought he would reach a point in his life where he would have multiple people he could say that about. It made him feel slightly warm and fuzzy and also slightly disgusted that so many hipsters seemed to have wormed their way into his daily life.

  Third, Serge didn’t like it when people were annoyed and/or pissed off with each other, and he tried to apologize for Xander’s behavior the night before. Gus just shrugged it off, telling him it wasn’t that big of a deal, that he’d been through worse.

  “That’s no excuse,” Serge said, after trying to get Gus to do an astang pranam pose, which would have had Gus facedown with his ass in the air like he was a cat in heat presenting himself. Gus had politely refused, saying it was against his religion to do sexual poses in front of someone he’d just met. Serge had asked what religion. Gus had said priapism. Serge had said he thought he’d studied that while in his chakra tour in India. Gus had tried very hard not to bang his head on the nearest available surface. “Xander just has his own issues he’s working through. He didn’t need to take them out on you. I think part of him is jealous over you and Casey. Not so much that he wants Casey for himself, just that you make Casey happier than Xander ever did.”

  If Gus were a lesser person, he would have allowed himself to gloat gleefully over such an admission. Thankfully, Gus was not a lesser person, instead choosing to gloat internally over such an admission. Outwardly, he chose to smile in such a way that he hoped was not coming across as smug, but knowing he failed by a large margin.

  JOSIAH CAME by the Emporium later that morning, handlebar mustache immaculately groomed. He wore low cutoff shorts and flip-flops that he proudly showed had a bottle cap remover on the bottom of each sole. “It’s so when I go to the beach I can just take off my shoes to open my beer,” he explained. “Because sometimes, you can’t be bothered to remember to bring one, so why not have it on your shoe?”