The Dead Gigolo Caper (Suds and Sam Book 4)

by Stella Marie Alden

  Damn, that AI program is so freakish. I swear it knows everything about everyone.

  Oh well, time for some old-fashioned research. I find a yellow highlighter and begin checking numbers. Well looky here. Hunk-o-rama? Why would a mobster keep a famous strip club on speed dial?

  Suddenly, the scrapbook Martha sent me makes more sense. In all the images, Gallo has handsome men at her side and not her husband. Perhaps she uses a male escort service. If so, maybe I can find out if any of the dancers have recently disappeared.

  I call the number on the printout but get an answering machine. “If you’d like to book a party, press one, if you know your party’s extension…”

  Damn. I push zero but get hung up on. Life was a lot easier for a private detective before automation.

  Maybe Suds is right and no one was murdered. Am I imagining all this because I miss being an FBI investigator? Always before, I’ve trusted my gut but this case is different.

  If he was here, I’d bounce ideas off from him but I need to leave him be to do his bodyguard thing. I could text him, I suppose, except he’s not particularly happy about me working this caper and I don’t want to piss him off again.

  Besides, I have nothing real to report except Gallo likes to call a certain stripper place which would explain how she always has a sexy man with her, and not her husband. While unusual, it isn’t anything I can go to the police with.

  Argh!

  Done being frustrated, I work on the rich-cheating-housewife-of-New-Jersey caper. Dana sent us phone records and installed a GPS tracker app. If she’s cheating, not just sexting, I will find out.

  Downstairs, the door slams. No doubt Joey is taking Kimmy for her daily walk.

  Thank God, I’m free at last.

  Holster? Check. Gun? Check. Jacket open? Check.

  I jump up, dash down the stairs, and leave a note on his door. Then I run home, not stopping until I get inside my building. Standing outside the empty tailor shop, I catch my breath and check my mail.

  The jackhammering seems to be done with but now, as I climb the stairs, I wonder about the integrity of our building. Were these cracks in the wall always here and I didn’t notice?

  Worried, I call the landlord but he’s away so I call the city and get put on hold. I’m pretty sure whatever they’re doing next door is illegal. They can’t cause structural damage to my apartment, can they?

  While I’m on the phone, Catrina pads down the spiral staircase, glares at me, and puts her tail in the air as if to say, screw you.

  “C’mon now, kitty. It wasn’t my fault. I tried to come home.”

  “Meow.” She sets her ass down in front of the fridge and stares.

  I’m beginning to think, like Superman, she has see-through vision.

  While I ponder her alien race, my phone rings and it’s Uncle Vinny. “I thought you wuz supposed to stay at Joey’s.”

  I walk to my front windows and stare down at the sidewalk. When a big Italian dude waves up at me, I close the verticals.

  “You’re not, by any chance, having me followed?” Not having x-ray vision, I wander back to the refrigerator, open the door, and gasp at the science experiment that used to be a loaf of bread.

  “Yeah. Whadaboudit? Even your alleged fiancé agreed.”

  This is a first. The two of them on the same side? If I had known what a black eye could accomplish, I would’ve gotten one weeks ago.

  Sighing, I sniff the milk and pour it down the drain. “I got stir crazy.”

  “Did you see my guy following youz?”

  “Of course I did.” I didn’t, but under the circumstances, it’s best to stretch the truth.

  “Describe him.”

  “Fine.” I wander back to the front and peek between the slats. “He’s about thirty, big, and wearing a thick black hoodie. His nose is crooked and he smokes.”

  “Nice work. Because of dat, I’ll let you stay. And, I have a date lined up for youz.”

  Sighing, I go back in search of food. “Don’t waste his time. My face could launch a thousand ships, in the opposite direction.”

  “He might like it. It could be a t’ing. I’ll axe him.”

  “You do that. And Uncle Vinny? Thanks for looking out for me.”

  “Forgetaboudit. It’s what family does.”

  Finding an apple and peanut butter, I make my lunch then send out emails to potential clients. With nothing left to do, I pace, pausing in the bathroom.

  Huh. I Google how-to-tile. Before you know it, I’m placing a blunt-nose border across the room, using little red spacers and the lines Suds drew to keep stuff straight.

  A couple days later, I mix some grout, and am pretty damn proud of how well it turned out. Then, me and Cat share a beer and watch Netflix to celebrate.

  Chapter 11

  Suds

  I told Samantha I wouldn’t be able to see her until Thursday. However, when Wednesday rolls around and my alcoholic Ukrainian settles in for the night, my need for her outweighs my need for sleep.

  I have to see for myself she’s alright and make sweet love to her. First, I should be sure I’m not overly protective and text my best bud.

  Me: Got a sec?

  Lucky: Sure. What’s shakin’?

  Me: Woman troubles. Can I call?

  Lucky: Do it.

  I push his number and he picks up before the first ring.

  “Suds, ya bloody wank-ah.”

  “Lucky, you fucking Aussie-bastard.” Still dressed for my day at the United Nations, I pace near the edge of the mattress, look in the mirror, and note the deep circles under my eyes.

  “What can I do for you? Still with the Feddie?” His accent gets thicker every time we talk.

  “Uh-huh.” I put my pal on speaker so I can remove my dress jacket.

  “Wot? She giving you a hard time?”

  “If you mean am I hard all the time, then yeah. But that’s not why called. When did you know marriage was the right thing?” After loosening my tie, I pull the noose over my head.

  “Why? You having second thoughts?” My pal’s one of the only men I trust with my secrets.

  “Not about her. I’ll never love another. It’s this wedding shit. You should hear what her family expects. If it were me, I’d tie the knot in Vegas, and spend the money on a honeymoon somewhere in the South Pacific.” I unbutton the cuffs of my starched white shirt and roll them up.

  “I hear you, mate. I really do but what does she want?”

  “I suppose the white dress down the aisle with all the trappings. Oh, and get this. She’s Catholic so I have to take classes.” Groaning, I park my ass down on the mattress, and rub my hand over the short growth on my chin.

  “Oh, man. I wouldn’t want to be you. So glad my sheila’s a WASP.”

  Lying back, I stare at the pristine white ceiling. “Right? Can’t you hear me and a priest discussing what faith my kids are gonna be?”

  He laughs. “No way.”

  “Neither can I. Oh, and another thing. Know what I’m doing tomorrow night?”

  “Do tell.” He laughs and mutes his phone but I heard it.

  ‘Not funny. I’m dropping her off at a surprise engagement party.”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “It’s at a male stripper club.” When I picture some naked guy dancing on stage with his huge dick in her face, I want to punch something.

  “Ouch. Sorry, mate. I’m not sure how to help you. But you love her, eh?”

  “Fuck. So much it hurts like hell when we’re apart.” I throw a sock ball up in the air and catch it a few times.

  “Well then, talk to her.”

  “And say what? I don’t want a church wedding and ruin all her dreams? Have her family pissed at me forever?” I bounce up, study the parking lot, and satisfied, pace some more.

  “What you want counts, too, mate. Marriage is all about compromise.”

  “I usually want what she wants but not this time.” I sound more like a petulant k
id than a grown ass man and it pisses me off even more.”

  “This isn’t like your usual devil-take-it attitude. What has your panties all in a bunch?”

  “While I was working in the city, she got hurt. Damn it all, Loch, I’m supposed to keep her safe but I need to take a few of Slate’s jobs to make ends meet. I also want to buy her a ring, a nice one. No matter what I do, it ain’t enough.”

  My pal sighs heavily. “You really are a fuckin’ dweeb. I’ve met your woman. She doesn’t need a giant rock, she needs you. Now get off me bloody phone and call her. No. Better yet, go see her.”

  “Copy that.”

  “I’ll send ya mah bloody bill.”

  “Fuck off.”

  “Don’t need to. I got me a pretty wife who loves loving me. You should try it.”

  “Workin’ on it. Thanks.”

  “Anytime.”

  Checking the time, I rush down to the parking garage, and retrieve my SUV. Then, I drive downtown, through the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel and home.

  Home. I sure like the sound of that word. I know it’s just an office space with a loft but we made it ours. Hell, we’ve fucked on top of every flat surface. With those thoughts in mind, I run another yellow light.

  Before I left the city, her GPS indicated she left her cousin’s house which is fine with me because I am dying for private time. I park in the spot in front of our building, rush up the stairs, and open the door.

  Squeaking, she dashes across the room and instead of into my arms, runs into the bathroom and slams the door.

  The lock clicks as I walk over and knock. “You okay in there?”

  “What are you doing home? You said Thursday.” The panic in her voice makes me wonder what the fuck she’s hiding.

  Slowly, I search the place, starting with the bedroom. Finding no one there, I spiral back down the stairs wondering if she has a man with her.

  I wait for over five minutes, listening until I’m sure she’s alone.

  “Are you ever coming out?”

  “Probably, but not for a few weeks.” She sounds scared but if she’s cheating, serves her right. I wouldn’t hurt her. Him? Not so sure.

  “What about food?”

  “Ah… there’s a window. You can lower my meals down from the roof.” Her banter makes me realize my jealousy was stupid.

  I picture me lowering a basket and grin. “That’s a right fine idea. But what if I need to use the facilities?”

  “Ask Joey. Or Vincent. Youz guyz are pals now. Right?”

  I tap my knuckles, more gently this time. “Open up, Sam.”

  “Promise not to be pissed?” She’s never hidden from me before, this has to be big.

  “Nope.”

  “Then, nuh-uh. Come back in a couple weeks.”

  “I can always break down the door…”

  “No you won’t. It’ll cost too much to fix.”

  “You’re no doubt aware all I have to do is put a thin nail into the center of the door handle and it will release?”

  “Do you have one?”

  “No.”

  “Good.”

  “I can get one by morning. Do you really want to sleep in there?”

  “Ah… not exactly.”

  I hear clunking. “What are you doing?”

  “Putting on a little makeup.”

  The door clicks, the knob turns, and she peeks through the crack.

  Ah fuck. One eye, while not slit shut, is a hell of a shiner and her jaw has a bump the size of a golf ball. And her beautiful face? It has a rainbow of purples, yellows and oranges.

  I promised myself I would not go ballistic but when I see her all beat to hell, I lose it.

  “Fuck! Sam. Holy fuck.” I pull her into my arms, tears welling and keep her there until I get my stupid emotions under control.

  From now on, Bensonhurst needs to understand that Suds and Sam are here to stay and if someone messes with my woman, I will fucking kill them.

  She glances up, sucking in her lower lip. “You mad at me?

  I lift her chin and swallow hard, trying not to envision some asshole punching her. “Not at you, sugar.”

  “I should’ve had my gun in my holster.” When her eyes shift down, I tuck a lock of hair behind her ear.

  “And?”

  Shrugging, her voice lowers to where I almost can’t hear. “Maybe I shouldn’t have spoken to my uncle about the case. You don’t really think he had one of his goons beat me up, do you?”

  My hands slip behind her neck and I kiss the tip of her nose. “At first, I suspected him but he was shocked when he found out. Then, he got angry. We’re going to find whoever did this and send them a message.”

  “We?” She starts to smile but grimaces when it reaches her mouth. “Ow.”

  “Damn straight, we.” I kiss her split lip and close my eyes.

  This is my fault, I promised to let her be a private eye and protect her but I can’t be there all the time.

  Holy shit. I know what I need to do. “I am signing you up for self-defense classes.”

  “I took some when I worked for the FBI.” She takes offense but I don’t give a rat’s ass. This is a damn fine idea.

  “Jenna Jones’ husband gives classes in jungle combat. I’m sure Jason will agree it’s a great idea.”

  “Wait, I should take advice from an AI app?”

  “Why not? You in or not?” It’s time for her to acquiesce because I am not backing down.

  She must sense my resolve and nods. “Okay, but can we afford it?”

  “We can’t afford not to.” I grunt. “And, until I say so, you are not sleuthing other than on the computer. Unless I am with you, you’re not visiting your uncle Vinny, your nonna, your mom, or your hundreds of cousins. Understand? You are grounded, young lady. Someone is after you and you need my protection. Now, I only got a few hours before I have to go back into the city. Are we gonna waste them arguing or make love?”

  “Kissing may be a little difficult.” She points to her lip.

  “You let me worry about that. Get your little ass upstairs. I’ll be right there.”

  I step into the bathroom and for a moment, think I forgot where I left off. What the fuck? The black border is finished?

  She didn’t have to hire someone. I was getting to it. She couldn’t wait one short week? I wonder which of her many male relatives she called and worse, what price they’ll extract from her.

  “Sam?” I shout up to the loft.

  A few seconds later, she puts her face to the iron banister. “Yes?”

  “Who the hell finished my tiling?”

  Her face drops and eyes go wide. “Why? Is it bad?”

  “No, no. It looks fine.”

  “I’m sorry. I thought you’d be pleased. I did my best.” When her eyes water I understand my mistake.

  “Wait. Hold on.” I circle the stairs and plop down on the bed so I don’t bump my head. “C’mere. You did it?”

  “Uh-huh. I wanted to surprise you.” Her lower lip, already swollen, rolls out as giant tears pool in the corners of her eyes. “Shit. You really are hard to please.”

  I feel like a complete ass as I pull her onto my lap. “I thought you were mad it was taking me so long and asked one of your relatives to finish it.”

  “Why?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you got a million of them and they’re always butting into our lives.”

  “You’re exaggerating. Thousands, maybe. Certainly not millions.” She grins then grimaces. “Oh, don’t make me laugh. It hurts.”

  “I am so, so sorry. I love how you wanted to help me.” I hold her tight. “I may be a mite bit jealous of your family. I always feel, in their eyes, I’m not good enough for you.”

  She unbuttons my dress shirt and snuggles into my chest. “Don’t feel that way. They’ve been trying to keep me out of trouble for years. I used to be a real hellion.”

  “No way.” In addition to my sarcastic tone, I plaster a look of moc
k surprise on my face.

  She attacks me by tickling under my armpits. “I’m being serious. My first memories are getting lost in the mall. Then, I almost drowned when I got caught in a rip current out on Long Island. One time, me and Rose made fireworks and almost blew up the chemistry lab. I have a long history of mayhem. Are you sure you want to be with me?”

  Her small confession touches my heart and it also clears up a lot of confusion I had about her relationship with her family.

  Lying beside her, I feather a kiss on her lip, her bad eye, and her jaw. “I can’t think of anyplace I’d rather be.”

  Her eyes get weepy again and she sniffs. “I love you, too. From now on I’ll try harder to stay out of trouble but I think it’s in my DNA.”

  I unbutton her flannel shirt, unlatch her bra, and throw it beside the mattress. “I’m going to hold you to your word or there will be handcuffs involved.

  “Is that a promise or a threat?” Her lovely breasts fall into my hands and I squeeze, thumbs on her nipples, teasing them until they pucker.

  “Both.” I lean over, suck, and when she squirms underneath me, my cock swells.

  “Damn, I’ve missed you.” I kiss up to her neck wanting her mouth but remembering at the last minute, it’s off limits.

  Instead, I kiss her ear and whisper. “I want to fuck you so fucking bad, I mean so fucking good.”

  “Me too.” She gasps, her mouth drops open, and the centers of her eyes go wide and black as she kicks off her pants.

  After struggling with my holster and dress shirt, I quickly remove the rest of my clothes.

  Finally, both of us naked, I roll onto my back and slip her up and down my body. Our body heat rises as she her core presses against my cock.

  Her wet, swollen labia tells me everything I need to know. She kneels near my navel, a fucking goddess. These layers of yellow hair cascade down to her shoulders as chocolate diamond eyes stare into my mine. Full lush breasts point to me above a perfect waist. Below that, blond curls point to her magic cave.

  She rises off her heels, places me at her opening, then slowly takes me in, stealing all remaining brain cells.

  Somehow, my hands find their way to her hips and I help set the rhythm of life. I arch up, she bounces down, and we speed up into a frenzy. Her boobs bounce, her inner muscles clench, and we go higher and higher.