Just Breathe Series (Trilogy Box Set)

by Martha Sweeney

  “No, Kitten. It’s not real,” the voice declares while gripping my face. “Look at me, Emma. Come back to me. Come back to what is real.”

  I pinch my eyes shut, focusing on it’s words. His words.

  “It’s not real?” I question, not believing him.

  “No, Kitten. It’s not real. Open your eyes and see. Come back to me,” he pleas.

  Choking in breathes, I open my eyes as I exhale to find Jared’s face a few inches from mine. I reach to wipe the single tear that has escaped his right eye.

  “There you are,” he reports.

  Relief consumes me as I burry my face into his chest and cling to his body with all of my strength.

  “I’ve got you, Kitten. It’s okay.”

  I overhear some commotion in the room, but deliberately choose not to listen. I don’t care at this point. I’ve got Jared and I know I’m safe.

  His chest reverberates as he pets my head and reminds me, “I’m here, Kitten. It’s not real.”

  I drift back to sleep as hushed voices dance in the room.

  Eighteen

  A murkiness in my head wakes me; a murkiness that’s all too familiar. The smell of Jared relaxes me slightly as my consciousness unfolds the event that happened earlier. It wasn’t just the nightmare. I haven’t dreamt of my mother’s body like that in years and I’m not sure why. I pray that it won’t happen again.

  I curl into Jared a little longer knowing that I won’t be able to go back to sleep. I should probably get up to feed Sadie. Where is she?

  I roll away from Jared into another body that I expect to be Nathan’s. Instead, I find Joe which doesn’t alarm me. I study his relaxed features and body as it’s curled into mine with his hand resting on my waist. Carefully propping myself up, I glance around the room to find Nathan on the bed, but on the other side of Jared. Jimmy and Allen are on the chaise near the french door and Maggie and Henry on another chaise that was not previously in the room. My heart melts as fear swells inside. I appreciate everyone’s concern, but I need to get away. I need to distance myself.

  Noticing that Sadie is not in the room, I discreetly slide out of the bed and into to the hallway. Tip-toeing through the halls, I scan each room for Sadie, but she is nowhere to be found. A muted sound coming from the main entrance catches my attention and I follow it.

  “There you go, Ms. Sadie,” Anna whispers, unhooking her leash.

  Sadie runs to me as I drop to the floor to greet her.

  “She’s been fed and walked, Ms. Emma.”

  “Thank you, Anna,” I return meekly.

  “Everything okay, Ms. Emma?”

  “Great,” I lie with a fake smile.

  Anna watches me for a moment before asking, “You hungry?”

  “No. I’m good. Thank you.”

  Ana smiles and nods before she moves on to her next task and I stay on the floor petting Sadie.

  Seeing that it’s after six when I enter the kitchen, I’m even more thankful of Anna for helping with Sadie. I make my morning clay as Sadie sits with her favorite stuffed sock monkey in her mouth. After using the half bath that is near the kitchen, Sadie and I play for a little while in the living room.

  My thoughts keep drifting back to the nightmare, but I know dwelling on it doesn’t allow me to move forward. I just can’t shake this weird feeling that I have. I sense it trying to linger and remember that it’s some of the old emotions tied to my parents’ death. It’s going to take a bit longer to get past all of this today.

  Sadie resorts back to chewing on her bone, which indicates to me that she’s done playing. I grab one of the smaller blankets from the living room, wrap it around my shoulders and head out to the patio. I’m met with a tranquil, late April, Saturday morning. I tilt forward looking over the wall out onto Colorado Boulevard as Sadie curls up at my feet. Taking in the quiet scene of Pasadena, I encourage my mind and body to unwind as I watch what little life there is occurring on the street below.

  A short time later, I hear the patio door slide open and closed, but ignore who it is. A heated, firm body presses into my back, but I keep my eyes forward, looking off into the distance. No words need to be exchanged because I know who has found me. Wrapping his arms around my shoulders, I feel Joe nuzzle into my neck and breathe out a sigh of relief. Given my current state of emotions, it’s hard for me to feel anything at this moment.

  Joe doesn’t push, poke or prod with words or his body. He just holds me attentively, as if he’s afraid he might shatter me. A small part of me appreciates his sentiment, but I’m so lost in myself that he practically goes unnoticed. I’m not sure how long we stay like this, but we’re here long enough for my bare feet to feel numb from the cool concrete under them.

  I shift to break from Joe and go back inside. I curl into one of the corners of the couch, keeping the blanket close and rest the right side of my head on a pillow. Sadie lays on my left as I watch Joe grab another blanket before lifting my feet and sitting beneath them. He covers us both with the blanket and settles himself quickly. My blank stare meets Joe’s eyes and some sensation kindles inside me as he massages my right foot. The heat from his hands quickly dismisses any remaining numbness in my foot. He meticulously rubs each of my feet, not missing a single spot. I close my eyes savoring Joe’s reassuring touch.

  I want to crawl into his arms. I need to crawl into his body. My heart is conflicted with craving comfort and distance at the same time. I’m so confused. Maybe I should go back to bed and lay with Jared. No. I don’t want to be around a lot of people right now.

  My eyes are closed as my consciousness feels Sadie now at my feet. Joe slides under the blanket cautiously like he doesn’t want to disturb me. I don’t need to open my eyes to know it’s him. The smell and feel of his body confirms that it is.

  Brushing my hair with his fingers, Joe searches, “You asleep.”

  “No,” I mumble.

  “Hungry?”

  “A little. Why?” I turn my head to look at him.

  “Here,” he offers handing me a tall glass.

  “Thanks.” I take the smoothie from him.

  “I made it just the way you like.”

  I pause hearing his words before taking a sip. “You made it?”

  “Yes.”

  “You sure Anna didn’t make it?”

  “I wouldn’t let her help me,” he sheepishly grins.

  My eyebrows lift in astonishment.

  “You can ask her if you don’t believe me.”

  I shake my head and gulp the rest of it down. He takes the glass from me and places it on the table before grabbing a second one.

  “I’m not that hungry,” I profess.

  “This one is for me, silly,” he chuckles.

  Once he’s finished, I feel Joe put the glass back as his right hand plays with my hair. He takes my left hand and holds it up to his mouth, kissing it several times before placing it back down, not letting go. I coil back into the pillow, longing to escape the drifting sadness in my chest.

  Joe’s body alters abruptly and I’m coherent again. I feel his body weight, but his arms are no longer around me.

  “She’s over here,” he whispers standing up.

  “Thanks. How long has she been out here?” Jared whispers with his voice getting closer.

  “A while. Is this normal for her?” I hear the worry in Joe’s tone.

  “Not for a long time.” Jared positions his arm around me.

  I immediately rotate into his chest.

  “I should probably wake her soon to try to get her to eat.”

  “She had a smoothie,” Joe mentions. “I’m surprised she drank it when I gave it to her.”

  “Good. That’s a good sign.” They sit quietly for a while before Jared inquires, “How did you know she was dreaming?”

  “Sadie came into the den and woke me up. When I saw Emma, I tried to wake her before coming to get you.”

  “It’s usually not hard to wake her, but the way it was tonight,
I’m not surprised,” Jared explains.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure man,” Jared encourages.

  “What is the dream about?”

  Jared takes a weighted breath in, releases it and kisses me. “You can’t let her know that I told you,” Jared begins.

  He’s going to tell him. Why? I know that I avoid talking to him about the dream reoccurring and brush it off each time. But why tell Joe? I can understand him talking to Maggie or Nathan — but Joe?

  “I was the first to know,” he breathes in with a shiver. “It took her almost six months after we first met for her to finally tell me what they were about,” Jared informs. “Maggie and Nathan are the only other people who know.” Jared squeezes me tighter in his arms. “I don’t like the fact that she’s been having them this much again.”

  I can tell that Jared is deciding on what to say.

  “It’s about her parents.”

  “What about them?” Joe timidly inquires.

  “Emma was in the car when it happened . . .” he sniffs. With a horse voice, Jared continues. “She told me she doesn’t remember what really happened. She woke up in the hospital three days later from this very dream. She’s never been sure if the accident really happened the way the nightmare depicts,” Jared painfully explains.

  “Wow . . .” Joe answers in bewilderment. “That explains a lot.”

  “Yeah,” Jared nervously chuckles.

  They sit quietly as the memories of the hospital formulate in my head. Fighting off the pain, I moan and twist into Jared tighter.

  “I’m here, Kitten,” Jared assures me. “I’m here.”

  I arise some time later from the excruciating need to pee and the sound of laughter coming from another room. Opening my eyes, I discover that Sadie is the only one with me in the living room. After using the closest bathroom, I stagger to the dining room and prepare myself mentally and physically before rounding the corner.

  “There she is!” shouts Jimmy. “We were hoping you’d make it before all the food is gone.”

  I give my best fake smile that sneaks by everyone but Jared, but I see a questioning glance from Joe.

  As I sit down in the same chair I was in last night for dinner, Jared, who is to my right, asks, “Hungry?”

  “Sure,” I return with another smile.

  Jared squeezes my hand which reinforces my speculation that I haven’t fooled him. Without a word, Jared stands up, takes my plate and starts putting food on it. After placing the plate in front of me, he then proceeds to pour me a glass of orange juice. I hope he isn’t planning on doting on me too much.

  “We were all talking about what to do today, Emma,” Maggie says. “We thought that today we could show Jimmy and Allen around town, have lunch somewhere, maybe see one of the museums or see a show at the playhouse, have dinner . . . and tomorrow we can all go trampolining.”

  “Sure,” I agree, taking a small bit of egg.

  My right hand continues to hold Jared’s and from the corner of my I can see him watching me. I listen to everyone talking while I pretend to eat, only taking a few small bites here and there while keeping my eyes down most of the time. I’m grateful when no one inquires about my episode. It’s nice to hear everyone joking and laughing.

  “Would you like me to heat that up for you, Ms. Emma?” Anna startles me.

  “What? Oh, no. I’m fine. Thank you.”

  Jared leans over, “Do you want something else?”

  “No. I’m good.”

  At least he’s being as discrete as he can be at the moment.

  Eventually everyone gets up and heads to shower, then change for our daily excursion around Pasadena. Jared hovers, following me into Joe’s bedroom and lays down on the bed with Sadie. I decide to join him rather than jump in the shower right away. I don’t want to recount this morning or give him a reason to think that I’m as bad as I am, but I do feel like I need my Jared.

  Joe wanders through the open door and finds us snuggling. I suggest that he showers first and he obliges without debate. While Joe’s in the bathroom, Maggie pops into the room and piles into the bed with Jared, Sadie and me. She’s still in her pajamas which surprises me because I would think she’d be naked and wet with Henry by now. Regardless, I can feel my mood improving with my family all around me — this is what I need.

  Exiting the bathroom with nothing but a towel around his waist, Joe tries to have a silent conversation with Jared right in front of me. What the hell is going on?

  Jared studies me before kissing me and then leaves. I’m left with Maggie, Sadie and a practically naked Joe.

  “I’m done in there if you’re ready,” Joe mentions, pausing at his closet door. “It won’t take me long to get dressed, so I’ll be out of the room before you get out of the shower.”

  “Thanks.”

  I intended to get up right away, but my body is still a bit slow to respond. Maggie follows me into the bathroom when I finally muster the energy to get up.

  “I’m good, Mags,” I comment when she hovers.

  “I know,” she acknowledges.

  Good, I’m glad that she doesn’t notice.

  “I just thought you might, you know, need me.”

  Smiling at her intention, I reveal, “Thanks, but I’ve . . . um.”

  “Ohhh, okay.” She holds me tight, rubbing my back and then leaves.

  I don’t bother locking the door — I just don’t care at this point.

  When I return to the bedroom after showering, the main door is closed and no one is in the room, not even Sadie. Taking my time, I make the bed after putting on a bra and panties.

  I hear a light knock on the door before it cracks open.

  “You doing okay in here?” Joe questions, checking in.

  Sadie wedges herself enough through the door to get in.

  “Yeah, come on in,” I suggest, running the towel over my long, wet hair again.

  Joe halts in his tracks when he sees me and immediately looks away. Why is he uncomfortable looking at me? Inspecting my body, I don’t find any bruises, cuts or abrasions. It takes my brain an extra second to understand his response. I’m still only wearing my white, lace bra and panties.

  “You in or out?” I command, not caring as I hang up my towel in the bathroom. Turning around, I see that the bedroom door is closed and Joe’s sitting on the bed looking at Sadie as he pets her. “Are you on Emma watch?”

  “What? No,” he nervously replies.

  I guess my friends don’t trust what I might do if I’m alone for too long.

  I brush my hair with slow, robotic strokes as I look into the mirror. Taking my time, I begin applying my makeup. Halfway done, I hear mumbling coming from the other room.

  “I can’t hear you,” I advise.

  More mumbles, occur before I hear him clearly, “Did you make the bed?”

  Stopping, I turn and see him standing in the doorway with his arms crossed and looking down. “Yes, why?”

  “Just checking.” His eyes stay glued to the floor.

  Returning to the mirror to finish applying my mascara, I hear another voice in the distance.

  “Emma, were you planning . . .” Maggie stops in the middle of her sentence.

  I look over to see Joe shift out of the doorway to let her through.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” She peers back and forth between me and Joe with her eyes wide and mouth open.

  “You aren’t interrupting anything. What’s up?”

  “Oh yeah, were you planning on wearing your red cardigan?” Maggie faces me, but her eyes bounce between Joe and me in the mirror.

  “No. Why? Did you want to?” I nonchalantly continue as if it’s just me and her in the room.

  “Yeah, if you don’t mind?”

  “Not at all. It’s in my bag,” I instruct.

  “Thanks, sweetie,” she says leaving the bathroom.

  As I put some chapstick on, I hear her shouting thanks agai
n followed by a door closing.

  Leaving the bathroom, I stop just before bumping into Joe. It takes him a second to realize that I’m waiting to get by him. I take my time at my suitcase to determine what to wear as I put my makeup bag away. I select a white tank top, a pair of white capris, and a thin, tan v-neck silk blouse. Grabbing my pants, I turn to find Joe sitting on the chaise reading. Bending down to place a foot into each pant leg, I look up when I hear Joe clear his voice. Gradually pulling up my pants, I stare at him. I gain his attention right as I’m rounding my hips. His eyes jump from my hands, to my breasts and then to my face before darting away, realizing he got caught. Smirking, I pick up my tank top and slip it on, keeping my back to him. I momentarily return to the bathroom to inspect myself in the mirror, put on some earrings and a necklace and run my fingers through my hair.

  I set my pajamas in my clothing bag next to the dresser. Grabbing my white flats from my shoe bag, I place them next to the bed for easy access. I check my purse to make sure I have everything in there including Sadie’s stuff for when we leave. My phone is still charged and there are no messages or emails that need to be tended. I slip on my blouse before sitting down on the bed to put on my shoes. Sadie rests her head on my leg, causing me to pay attention to her rather than finish dressing.

  “You okay?” Joe’s sweet voice asks.

  Not turning to look, I answer, “Yeah, why?”

  “Just checking.” Standing next to me now, Joe reaches his hand towards me, “Come on.”

  I’m uncertain at first to take his hand, but do it anyway.

  Joe pulls me into him, resting his right hand on my hip and his left on my face. He studies me carefully. Joe doesn’t push like he did last night in the kitchen.

  Something is different. I’m guessing that my morning incident has something to do with it. I’ve probably scared him off enough now where he just pities me — I hate pity from anyone. This is probably for the best — better Joe finds out now that I’m too messed up to be in any kind of relationship and why I avoid them. He can save himself from me and my demons. Yes, this is for the best.

  My friends and I casually stroll the streets of Pasadena enjoying the beautiful, spring weather. Our conversations are light and airy, however, I remain less chatty. The amount of walking helps with my agitation, but it’s not as impactful as rebounding or sex.