The Shoestring Club

by Sarah Webb

  The smell of smoke is stronger now, but it’s not wood burning . . . it’s tobacco. I bend over a little and walk inside.

  ‘Hey, Jules, fancy meeting you here.’

  I jump backwards so hard I almost fall off the platform. ‘Jesus, Ed, what the hell?’

  Sprawled on the cushions at the back of my tree house is Edmund Powers. He pulls hard on his rollie, making the cigarette paper crackle and the red tip flame.

  I stare at him in the gloom. Emotion ripples through me – anger, pain, regret, longing – for several seconds I’m so overcome I can’t speak. Eventually I manage to squeeze out, ‘I thought this place was on fire.’

  He starts singing a snippet of an old Bruce Springsteen song. ‘Hey babe, I’m on fire,’ his voice low and husky.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I demand.

  ‘Waiting for that muppet Jamie to leave so we can talk. Brought some supplies.’ He holds up a bottle of vodka, a carton of cranberry and a tube of white plastic cups – which for a second reminds me of Beatrix’s trunk – and gives me one of his easy grins.

  I narrow my eyes. ‘How do you know Jamie’s here? Have you been spying on me?’

  He picks a bit of stray tobacco out of his mouth, then grins at me, ignoring the question. ‘God, Jules, you look great. Let me get a better look at you.’

  He reaches over, pulls the glass off the storm lantern and lights the wick of the candle. I study Ed’s face, flickering in the candlelight. I’d almost forgotten how ridiculously handsome he is. The blond shaggy hair and those impossibly full lips. My insides rearrange themselves and I feel that old familiar tingle.

  ‘Jules! Jules, you up there?’ Jamie calls from underneath the tree.

  Shit, that’s all I need.

  ‘Stay right there,’ I hiss at Ed. He goes to get up but I point my finger at him. ‘I’m serious. You move and I’ll tell Lainey.’

  ‘Tell her what?’ he says, all innocent. ‘I haven’t done anything. Yet.’ He lingers over the last word.

  I swear I can feel my organs pump out extra hormones.

  ‘You’re not funny,’ I whisper. ‘Just shush.’

  ‘Are you talking to me, Jules?’ Jamie asks. ‘Is everything OK? What was the light?’

  I stick my head out and look down at him. ‘It must have been, um, a firefly or something. Nothing to worry about.’

  Behind me I hear Ed chuckling away to himself. ‘A firefly? In Ireland? If he believes that he’s even more stupid than I thought.’

  ‘Shut up,’ I hiss at Ed.

  ‘What did you say?’ Jamie stares up at me, bewildered.

  ‘Sorry, um, I was just—’

  Suddenly, I can feel the heat of Ed’s body behind me, smell Allure mixed with fresh tobacco smoke.

  ‘She was talking to me, mate,’ Ed says, holding onto the top of the door frame and sticking his head out. The outside light is on, illuminating Jamie. Even from up here I can see the disgust on his face.

  There is complete silence for a moment as the boys’ eyes lock.

  Ed adds easily, ‘We’re meeting for one final goodbye shag.’

  I’m so flabbergasted that for a second I can’t speak. Finally I splutter, ‘We absolutely are not! I’m sorry, Jamie, I got up here and he was—’

  But Jamie is already walking back towards our house at speed.

  ‘Jamie!’ I yell. It’s lucky Pandora’s bedroom is on the far side of the house or she’d be straight out, wondering what all the commotion is.

  ‘You fucking idiot,’ I tell Ed, before turning around to climb back down the rope ladder. But he flicks his cigarette onto the grass and grabs both my arms. I try to shake him off. ‘Let go, Ed.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What do you mean, no? Get the hell out of my tree house. Go home to Lainey.’

  ‘That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I think I may have made a mistake.’

  My whole world shifts for a second, sending me into a tailspin. This is Ed all over, coming out with sweeping statements that make my mind reel. Does he want me back, is that what he’s saying?

  ‘Ed, you can’t come out with things like that when I’m swinging around on a rope ladder.’

  ‘Come back up then.’

  I’m terrified of what he might say. Is he playing with me? Is he serious? It’s impossible to know with Ed. ‘No, Jamie’s—’

  ‘Not good enough for someone like you. Never has been. Just get back up here, we need to talk. I’m freaking out about all this wedding stuff. I mean I love Lainey and everything—’

  I come crashing back down to earth, like a broken lift. Of course he doesn’t want me back.

  I twist my head just in time to see Jamie’s face, staring through the living-room window, his laptop tucked under his arm. I’m not sure if he can see me properly, but I can see him. His hair has flopped over his face so it’s hard to read his expression, but from the slope of his shoulders he doesn’t look happy. And then he disappears.

  And the way things are, the way he feels about Ed Powers in particular, I doubt if he’ll ever be back again, unless I talk to him, convince him Ed was joking and that we didn’t have some sort of sick pre-arranged rendezvous. I have a choice, Jamie’s friendship versus Ed’s what . . . guilt? Pre-wedding jitters?

  At that moment, I see my mistake, the mistake I’ve made all along, allowing my hormones to dictate my actions. I lost Jamie once, and I’m not going to let that happen again without a fight. He’s worth dozens of Eds. I can cope with being single, but being alone, without a friend in the world, I can’t deal with. Right now I need Jamie’s friendship. A lot more than I need Ed messing with my head.

  ‘At least I think I do,’ Ed adds slowly. ‘Love her I mean. But maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s not love at all, maybe it’s . . .’

  And that pushes me right over the edge. I want him to shut up, to stop talking, stop me feeling so hopeful one second, desolate the next. I was right, Ed is poison. I face the tree again and bite down hard on one of his hands.

  He pulls it away, yelping. ‘Shit, Jules. What are you like? That hurt.’

  I scramble down the rope ladder and run towards the front of the house.

  ‘Come on, Jules,’ I can hear Ed shout behind me. ‘You know you want to talk to me.’

  I spin around. ‘And what about your email, Ed? You told me to keep away from you.’

  ‘I can explain. And speaking of—’

  But I run away from his cajoling voice. And then I spot Jamie, walking quickly towards his house.

  ‘Jamie!’

  He stops for a second, so I know he heard me, but he doesn’t turn around.

  ‘Jamie, wait up.’

  By the time I’ve reached him, he’s sitting on his front step, hugging his laptop to his chest, tapping his feet on the ground.

  ‘Well?’ he says, his eyes flat.

  I sit down beside him, catching my breath from the run.

  ‘I don’t know what he was doing up there,’ I say. ‘Honestly. I haven’t spoken to him in months.’

  Jamie is silent.

  ‘Say something,’ I beg.

  He shrugs. ‘There’s nothing to say. But you know he’s getting married in a few weeks, right? To your best friend?’

  I wince. ‘Ex-best friend.’

  ‘What are you playing at, Jules?’

  I stare at him. ‘You don’t believe me, do you? You seriously think I’d have anything to do with that slimeball now?’ I give a wry laugh. ‘I thought you knew me better than that.’

  ‘I used to, but then you changed. Pushed me away.’

  I don’t know quite what to say to that. He’s right, after Ed and Jamie’s fight, I pretty much dumped Jamie instantly. I chose Ed over our years of friendship. I take a deep breath. ‘I know I hurt you, Jamie, but it was a long time ago. Can’t we forget about it, just move on? I could really do with a friend right now.’

  He stares down at his feet, making them do a funny little heels-together-toes-together danc
e.

  ‘Look,’ I continue, ‘I’m here now, aren’t I? Ed Powers can go to hell.’

  The front door opens behind us. Daphne Clear smiles down at us, a little too knowingly for my liking. ‘There you are, Jamie. And hi Jules, how nice to see you. What are you two doing lingering on the doorstep, come in, come in. I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to, Jules,’ she continues, in her bouncy voice. ‘Bird is so delighted with your work in Shoestring. I believe you’re making life-size elephants tomorrow.’

  I smile. ‘Maybe not life-size, Daphne, but big all right. They’re for either side of the door. To celebrate Asha Bhandari’s visit.’

  Daphne clicks her tongue against her teeth. ‘Thank you for reminding me. I must book tickets for my book club. Would you like to come along, Jamie, Jules?’

  ‘No thanks, Mum,’ he says politely. ‘Not really my kind of thing.’

  I pretend to consider this for a moment. ‘Busy that night I’m afraid.’

  Jamie and I swap an amused look.

  ‘Of course you are, poppets. Now, who’d like a nice cup of tea? I’ve got the kettle on and I’d love a good old chin wag.’

  I feel suddenly exhausted. I don’t know if it’s the week catching up with me or Daphne’s dogged good spirits. I give a huge yawn.

  ‘Sorry, Daphne,’ I say. ‘I’m going to have to call it a night. Bird and Pandora are slave drivers and I’m wrecked. Work tomorrow.’

  ‘I understand.’ She smiles at me kindly. ‘Don’t be a stranger, you hear. I know Jamie missed you while he was in Galway, didn’t you, dear? He was always asking after you.’

  Jamie sighs. ‘Yes, Mum. Now can you stop embarrassing me, please?’

  Daphne is unperturbed. ‘I’ll leave the two of you at it then.’

  Once she’s back inside I say, ‘Look, I’d better get going. Busy day tomorrow. Elephants to build, you know how it is. But are we OK, Jamie?’

  He tilts his head and looks at me for a second. ‘Yes. We’re OK.’

  I walk back towards my house, smiling to myself. Jamie offered to see me home, but I told him to stay put. I pull out my door key and hesitate. I hope Ed’s had the intelligence to put out the lamp and his last cigarette or else the tree house really might burn down. I sigh, put my key back in my pocket, and walk around the side to check.

  But I wish I hadn’t. Ed is still there, sitting on the platform, legs dangling down, smoking and swigging from a plastic cup.

  ‘Wondered when you’d be back.’ He pats the wood beside him. ‘Room for a little one.’

  I feel even more exhausted now. ‘Go home, Ed.’

  ‘Just one drink, then I’ll get out of your face, I swear. I’m really here to apologize, yeah. And I have news.’ He stops for a second. ‘About Noel. And I don’t fancy broadcasting it to the whole neighbourhood. Stop being so feckin’ stubborn.’

  I stand there, seething. I have to know what Noel said, I have to. Ed knows he’s won, I can practically hear the self- congratulatory chuckles from down here. Without another word, I climb slowly up the ladder. Just before I reach the top he grabs both my arms and swings me out, over the ground.

  ‘Ed!’ For a second I almost believe he really would drop me, but then he laughs and pulls me back in.

  ‘You should have seen your face, Jules.’ He pulls a scared expression but stops when he sees I’m not amused.

  ‘Jesus, you’re a bundle of laughs these days,’ he says, ‘what’s happened to you?’

  ‘Just get in.’ I point at the door, hoping he’ll smack his stupid head on the low frame.

  He sprawls out on the cushions and, the way he’s half sitting, half lying, my eyes are drawn to his crotch. I whip them away quickly, my cheeks hot.

  ‘You joining me?’ He pats the mattress beside him.

  I ignore him, sitting down under the window on the wooden floor with my back against the wall. It’s a little uncomfortable but I don’t care.

  ‘Spit it out,’ I snap. ‘About Noel Hegarty.’

  ‘You read his letter, yeah? He’s really sorry. And he’s been a bit less grumpy lately, so the counselling’s obviously working.’

  ‘And that’s it?’ I stare at him. ‘That’s all you have to say about Noel? That he’s in a better mood?’

  He runs his hands through his hair, stalling.

  ‘Well, yeah. I suppose,’ he says eventually.

  ‘Ed, that’s pathetic. He’s just getting away with it. Don’t you care?’

  ‘’Course I care. But what do you want me to do? He’s said sorry, he’s getting counselling. It’s best to put the whole thing behind you. Move on.’

  I sigh. Maybe Ed’s right, maybe I should just forget about the whole damn thing.

  ‘Let it go,’ he says gently. ‘It’s for the best.’ He sits up a bit on the cushions. ‘Anyway, enough about work. How are you doing?’

  I glare at him. ‘What are you playing at? You can’t just appear out of the blue like this and expect me to be happy to see you. You’re supposed to be getting married in a few weeks, remember?’

  ‘Ah, yes, the wedding.’ Even in the murkiness, I can see his eyes shift around nervously. ‘I have no idea how it got to this point. One minute I’m having a laugh with Lainey, the next minute we’re engaged and she’s set a date.’

  ‘Having a laugh? Is that what they call affairs these days?’

  ‘Don’t start. You were away, we had an understanding. You were hardly a vestal virgin yourself. All those foreign blokes.’

  I colour. If he only knew the truth, that I’d been lying about my non-existent, far-flung boyfriends all along in an effort to keep him interested. I could hardly come clean now. Yes, I’d kissed the odd Kiwi at a party, but that was it. I hated the fact that Ed seemed incapable of being on his own, even for a few weeks. Suggesting that we saw other people while I was travelling, but only on a casual basis, nothing serious, wasn’t my idea; ironically it had been Lainey’s.

  ‘You have to give Ed a long leash,’ she’d said. ‘Guys like that need to feel free. If you want to keep him, you have to stop being so clingy. He’s like a tiger, likes a good chase.’

  ‘Yes, we agreed we could see other people on a casual basis, have flings,’ I tell him. ‘But I didn’t mean with my best friend. And getting engaged is hardly a fling, is it?’

  ‘Na.’ He takes out his tobacco pouch and starts rolling another cigarette. ‘Getting engaged is serious shit.’ He pauses. ‘I don’t think I’m ready for all this. Marriage and everything. I’m only twenty-five.’

  ‘You asked her, Romeo.’

  ‘I was drunk.’ He puts the finished cigarette down on the wooden floor and pulls the bottle of vodka towards him. Expensive stuff too: Grey Goose. ‘Speaking of which,’ he adds. ‘Have a drink. Might calm you down a bit.’

  ‘Calm me down? You shouldn’t be here. Especially not with me.’ I fold my arms across my chest.

  ‘Oh and I have something for you. Thought you might be running low on good tunes.’ He hands me a CD in a see-through plastic pouch.

  I take it off him and turn it over in my hands. Ed always burns the best CDs – new bands he’s discovered, old favourites, a smattering of cheesy disco tunes, even the odd comedy song to make me laugh.

  ‘Some mellow stuff in there and some new stuff I think you’ll like.’ He smiles gently. ‘Guess it’s my way of saying sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Me and Lainey . . .’ He shrugs. ‘It just snuck up on us, you understand.’

  I can feel tears building up behind my eyes and I steel myself not to cry. ‘No, I don’t. Why don’t you explain why of all the women in the world, you chose to hook up with my best friend?’

  He picks up the cigarette and, after holding it in his hands for a few seconds, changes his mind and puts it back into the tobacco pouch. His eyes reach mine. ‘She’s good for me. All that family stuff. I didn’t have any of that when I was a kid, you know that.’

  I’d only met Ed’s mum once, Diane. We bumped into her accidently on Gr
afton Street one Christmas – and she wasn’t exactly friendly. Slim, dyed-blonde hair, pinched face, carefully dressed in an expensive-looking, white cashmere coat. She was beautiful, but there was a hardness about her, a deadness behind her eyes. Ed’s dad had run off to Portugal with a hotel receptionist when Diane was in her late thirties and she’d made a career of extracting as much money as she could out of the man’s lawyers. Bitter wouldn’t even cover it.

  ‘Lainey’s straightforward, nothing bothers her,’ he continues, oblivious to the effect his words are having on me. ‘I don’t have to guess how she feels, she just tells me. We never fight. It’s easy.’

  ‘Easy?’ I snort. ‘It sounds like a slow death. What about passion and excitement? There has to be some sort of spark or what’s the point? And you used to complain that Lainey was the least ambitious girl you’d ever met.’

  He shrugs again. ‘She knows who she is and she’s happy with that. She likes being an accountant and she wants to get married and start a family, nothing wrong with that.’

  ‘A family? Jesus, would you listen to yourself? You sound middle-aged.’

  ‘We all have to grow up sometime, Jules, even you.’ He blows his breath out in a whoosh. ‘Look, it wouldn’t have worked out between us, not in the long run. We would have killed each other. We’re no good together, maybe we’re too alike.’

  And then I realize what’s been bothering me so much over the last few months. It’s not just being dumped by Ed, or even Ed and Lainey hooking up; it’s the fact that I couldn’t tame him. He wouldn’t change for me.

  Of course I wanted a proper boyfriend, someone to look out for me, care about me, adore me – being on time would have been a start, he always turned up at least half an hour late whenever we met – but he came up short every time. But for Lainey he transformed into a proper, reliable partner almost overnight. Which means he loves Lainey more than he ever loved me. And that, more than anything, rips my heart out of my chest.

  I start crying, huge tears rolling down my cheeks. Suddenly I feel a huge wave of emotion and before I can stop it I hear myself say, ‘I can change. I can be more like Lainey. And I want kids too, not right now, but eventually.’