Holding On

by Sarah Hadley Brook

  My gut clenched as it dawned on me it might not be college or his crush that he wanted to talk about. Oh, God! What if he had figured out my secret? Fuck. I really did want to tell him—I was so tired of living a lie. Yet I also knew I couldn’t lose my best friend at this point in my life, and if he didn’t understand or accept me, I would be lost.

  Tears sprang to my eyes, and I looked down, trying to keep myself in check. Great, now I was going to start crying like a girl. My dad’s angry voice echoed in my head telling me to “man the fuck up.” A sniffle escaped.

  Jeff must have heard me, because he instantly turned down the music. “You okay, Aaron?”

  I looked out the window. This was ridiculous. I was not going to cry about the possibility he found out I was gay. “Just allergies.” Without even turning, I knew he didn’t believe me. I could feel his eyes on the back of my neck, the heat boring into me. He must have decided not to push, because he finally turned up the music.

  At my house, I jumped out without even looking at him, mumbling, “Thanks.” I was almost to the door when he called my name. I turned to see him standing outside his truck, between the cab and the open driver’s side door.

  “Yeah?”

  “Pick you up at five?”

  “Sure, see you then.” I hurried inside my house, closed the door, and leaned back against it. Why was I so worried? If he had figured it out, he had figured it out. My rapid heartbeat started to slow as I caught the scent of chocolate chip cookies. “Mom?”

  “In here.”

  I made my way to the kitchen and found a plate full of fresh-baked cookies. After picking up one and taking a big bite, I was thrilled to find them still warm. “Awebm,” I said with a mouthful of chocolatey-chip goodness.

  “Don’t talk with food in your mouth,” she reprimanded with a sparkle in her eye. “And yes, they are awesome, if I do say so myself.”

  I laughed and grabbed several more, but I made sure to swallow before I tried to speak again. “Heading to my room. A week off! Yes! Gotta get ready for work soon.”

  “Is Jeff taking you?”

  I watched her wipe down the kitchen counter, and for a minute, I could almost see her as others did—a bright, bubbly, petite woman with short light brown hair and a beautiful smile. Then my eyes fell on the latest bruise on her arm. Damn, I hadn’t heard any fighting in the last few days, but there was no disputing it—that was a fresh one.

  “Um, yeah, he’s picking me up.” I cleared my throat. “Um…your arm?”

  She stopped cleaning and braced her hands on the counter. “Aaron, I’m fine,” she whispered, but wouldn’t look at me.

  “Mom, you’re not fine. Why? Why can’t we leave him?” God, how many times have I asked that question?

  “Let me handle it,” she whispered again, her voice strained.

  I shook my head. This had to stop. Something had to change. “I love you, Mom.”

  Her shoulders slumped forward, giving up once again. “I love you, too, Aaron.” She paused for a moment. “You and Pamela are my whole life.”

  I waited for her to turn my way, but she never did. “Thanks for the snack,” I told her, then headed to my room.

  Well, this day is turning into the suckiest day possible. I collapsed on my bed, my mouth still full. Between Jeff possibly finding out my secret and Dad beating the crap out of Mom again, I was ready for this fucking day to be over.

  I sucked on the cookie in my mouth, letting the chocolate chips melt on my tongue as I thought about Jeff again. I was probably worried over nothing.

  What I wouldn’t give to be able to go away with him to college. I was going to be lost without him. He was like a part of me. Had been since the moment we met. My lips quirked up as I remembered that day in class when he approached me.

  When I’d first looked at him, I’d literally felt my body tingle. Everywhere. He was adorable back then. But that was replaced with a bond of friendship right away. As he had grown and matured and turned into a young man, I had consciously averted my eyes, not allowing my thoughts to ever go there. He was my best friend, not someone to lust after.

  I was actually pretty proud of myself, because the few times I’d actually let myself look at him, like that, it was hard to keep my body from reacting. The last thing I wanted to do was perv on my best friend, no matter how hot he may be.

  And he was hot. There was no doubt about it. If he could lose the shyness, girls would be all over him.

  Great, now my dick is hard. From thinking about Jeff. Shit. That’s why I didn’t let myself think like that. Shower. I need a cold shower.

  * * * *

  By the time Jeff arrived a couple of hours later, I was ready to go. Dad was on the way home and Pamela was driving me nuts. If I had to hear her talk about the latest cute boy in her class one more time, I was going to retch.

  Mom slipped me a twenty as I headed out the door at the sound of Jeff’s horn.

  I gave her a genuine smile. “Thanks!”

  “Have a good night. You two be careful.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Just going to work and back, Mom. Love you,” I called as I ran out.

  The music was low when I slid inside the truck. After I buckled up, I saw Jeff watching me. Intently.

  “What? Do I have something on me?” I asked, glancing at my uniform.

  He grinned. “Nope, you look good.”

  I blushed. Was that a compliment? Or was he just being nice? Did he really think I looked good? Shit, now I was acting like my sister. “Thanks,” I mumbled.

  “What, no compliment back?”

  I saw the sparkle in his eyes. “Okay, let’s see…you look great.”

  He gave me an exaggerated frown.

  I rolled my eyes at him. “Fantastic?”

  His brow furrowed as he pulled out of my drive.

  “Amazing? Perfect?”

  A smile tugged at his lips. “That’s all you’ve got?”

  I groaned inwardly. He was being totally weird. “Fine! How about perfection in a movie theater uniform? Sexiest man in our class? Hottest guy on the planet? Does that meet your demands?”

  He laughed. “Perfect!”

  I shook my head and messed with the radio buttons.

  “So, you think I’m sexy?” he teased, his voice low.

  What the hell? I cleared my throat and tried to think of an answer. He laughed again and I turned to stare at him. “Dude, you are acting really strange tonight.”

  “Oh, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron…you have no idea.”

  Okay, was he losing his grip on reality? I shook my head again and watched him out of the corners of my eyes. He was smiling and focused on the road, but his cheeks pinked. “Um, Jeff, you okay?”

  He turned those icy blue eyes on me for a second and my breath caught in my throat. He looked…confident. Something was different in his gaze. Now I was the one with cheeks heating.

  “Yeah, actually really good.” He flashed me a smile. “You?”

  “Um, yeah, okay…but you are…I mean, you’re acting…”

  “Like what?”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. “Never mind.”

  We pulled into the parking lot of the movie theater and climbed out. As we headed in to work our evening shift, he clasped my shoulder. “Don’t forget we need to talk tonight.”

  I nodded, trying not to focus on the way his touch made my shoulder also feel hot…or that I shivered when he squeezed. “Yeah. No problem. You know you can tell me anything.”

  He stared at me a moment, his gaze intense, eyes searching mine. His hand stayed on my shoulder and I flushed, but didn’t move. I didn’t want to move away. “You can tell me anything, too. You know that, right?”

  I nodded and swallowed nervously. He pulled away his hand and instantly I missed the contact.

  A grin spread across his face. “Great, now let’s get this shift over with so we can see about jumping your piece-of-shit car later!”

  “Hey! I love that car,” I shot back
, trying not to miss his touch.

  Chapter 2

  Friday nights were always busy, but tack on the start of spring break, and it was a nightmare. Teenagers were everywhere. On top of that, two employees had called in sick, so everyone was working their ass off. One of my “sick” coworkers, Abbie, was in my class and she’d appeared fine when I saw her earlier in school, so I had a feeling she was skipping out to do something fun. But I wasn’t going to rat her out—still, it did piss me off.

  I was lucky enough to work the ticket sales booth, but Jeff got stuck behind the snack counter, which could be really hard when it was busy. People never knew what they wanted when they reached the front of the line and it made us want to scream. Most people just ordered popcorn and soda, but even then they’d stand around, looking at all the candy behind the glass, trying to decide if they wanted to spend the money. And we heard a thousand times a night how expensive everything was.

  A couple of the movie times had sold out, so I had to deal with some irate people, but I didn’t really blame them for being angry. They had waited through a long line only to be told it had sold out a few minutes prior. Luckily, my manager had given me permission to sell tickets at half-price for the next showing, which smoothed over things for most people. Since many of the customers were teens, they left to walk around the shopping strip, or headed to the pizza place across the parking lot.

  I found myself glancing at Jeff often throughout the night. The snack counter was swamped, but he looked fine. In fact, he looked better than fine. He wore a huge grin. Every time I looked, he was smiling, chatting away with customers as he took orders and handed out snacks. How he handled it all so easily mesmerized me.

  He had a smile that made you want to smile back. It kind of melted you inside. And those blue eyes—I swore I could see them twinkling even from my station. I wondered how many girls had come through his line and been on the receiving end of that smile. I tensed and tried not to think about it. I was being ridiculous anyway—he could look at anyone however he wanted.

  Once, he caught me staring. My face heated as he winked at me before going back to serving popcorn.

  He winked at me. And what did I do? I got a damn hard-on! Seriously—what the hell is going on? Thank God I’d been behind the ticket counter so no one could see the bulge. Why was I getting hard over my best friend? I’d worked endlessly to avoid these feelings, so it made no sense it was happening now.

  Flustered, I messed up counting out change for the next two customers. I spent the rest of my shift trying not to look at Jeff, but I failed miserably.

  * * * *

  Hours later, it was finally time to clean up and close down the place. I was a sweaty mess, but so was Jeff. We worked together to mop floors and polish our stations. I helped him lock up the candy and clean the popcorn machines. More than once, he bumped into me and I had to fight the warm sensation that spread through my body, urging me to brush back up against him. It was an exhausting internal battle.

  I was more than ready to leave by the time we walked out the doors. The night had cooled and the air felt good on my damp skin. It could get really hot in the ticket booth.

  I sniffed the air. “You smell like popcorn,” I announced.

  Jeff had that same damn grin on his face as he unlocked the truck doors and looked over the hood at me. He licked his lips, his eyes locked on mine. “Are you saying I smell good enough to eat?” he asked, his voice going low.

  Shit!

  He laughed at my frozen expression as we both climbed in.

  He was smiling like the Cheshire Cat and I couldn’t help but grin back. But I still wanted to know what was going on. “All right. Out with it, man!”

  “Out with what?” he asked with feigned innocence.

  “You’ve been grinning like a fool for hours. Literally hours. Every time I looked at you, there you were with that goofy smile.”

  “Really?” His eyebrows raised. “I didn’t even realize it.”

  I rolled my eyes as he stared at me, surprise evident on his face.

  “Wait,” he said, “you watched me for hours?”

  Shit. That’s not what I meant to say. “No, of course not.”

  “But that’s what you said,” he teased, his eyes twinkling. “I must really look great tonight!”

  If he only knew how great. “Ass,” I shot back before I grinned. “But you were smiling all evening.”

  He shrugged. “Guess I’m in a good mood.”

  Oh. My. God. It hit me all at once. “You’re in love!”

  His eyes widened and he leaned toward the driver side door. “What?” he asked, his face going ashen.

  “Admit it. That’s why you have such a goofy grin and are in such a good mood. I am such an idiot! That’s what you wanted to talk about tonight, right?”

  Jeff’s eyes rounded as he pressed his lips together. “Umm, well…no, that…I mean…”

  I smirked. “Admit it, man. I figured you out. Now you have to tell me who it is!”

  He fidgeted in his seat before starting the truck and pulling out of the parking lot.

  “Well?”

  “Yes, I guess…crap…I don’t know how to say this.” Even in the dark I could see his face turning beet red. He obviously hadn’t expected me to figure it out.

  “Hey, Jeff. That’s great,” I said, trying to help him out. “You deserve to be happy. I was just teasing. If you don’t want to tell me her name yet, it’s okay.”

  “It’s not that…it’s just…that wasn’t exactly what I was going to tell you.” He raked a hand through his hair, then fiddled with the radio, keeping his eyes on the road.

  I was so relieved he hadn’t figured out my secret that I didn’t notice his hands shaking until we neared my house.

  “Jeff? Seriously, did I really freak you out? I didn’t mean to cross a line and make you uncomfortable.” My voice stayed quiet in the dark cab. He still wouldn’t look at me. “I guess I got over-excited. I mean, it is monumental, but I didn’t mean to tease you so much or make you upset. Besides, it’s just me. You can tell me anything, man.”

  Jeff brought the truck to a pause at the four-way stop just up the road from my house. One more turn and we’d be on my street. But he idled there. Shit. I didn’t know what else to say. Except to remind him to drive.

  “Uh, there aren’t any other cars, Jeff. You can go…”

  The truck stayed put. He seemed to be mulling over something and I decided it was probably best to wait him out. Maybe I had ruined his big reveal. When his eyes finally found mine, I felt a jolt of desire. I took a deep breath and waited for him to speak again—to say anything.

  And waited.

  His eyes, intense and dark, searched mine. A shiver ran through me. Straight to my dick. WTF? Will this evening get any weirder? God, we can usually tell each other anything. Anything. Well, okay, almost anything. I had my own secrets.

  “Will you stop that?” he cried, his hands flying into the air. At least he’d finally spoken.

  “Stop what?”

  “Biting your lower lip. It’s…distracting.” He slammed his hand onto the steering wheel.

  My eyes widened and I immediately let go of my lip. Crap, he was being weird. I hadn’t even known I was doing it. Why would it piss him off? Is this what love did to you?

  Jeff finally let out a long sigh and turned the corner. “Still want to jump your car when we get there?”

  Okay…so, the weird act was over? “Yeah. That is, if you don’t mind…”

  “Of course, I don’t mind. You’re my best friend, Aaron.”

  I nodded. Clearly, Jeff was getting back to himself. “Thanks. I’m hoping it’s just the battery, but you never know.”

  “Not with that piece-of-shit car.”

  “Hey!”

  He chuckled, and the queasiness in my stomach began to fade. We were going to be okay.

  By the time we pulled into my driveway, I was so glad things were back to normal, I brushed away t
he feeling that something seemed off at the house. Nothing looked out of place, so I simply shrugged it off as paranoia from my weird day and we got to work setting up the jumper cables.

  I should have listened to my instincts.

  One instant we were concentrating on the car, the next we were shielding ourselves from flying glass.

  Instinctively, we both crouched behind my Saturn. Jeff yanked me toward him, wrapping his arms around me and tucking my head against his chest, effectively sheltering me with his own body. Stunned, I leaned into him, fisting his shirt in my hand and holding on tight. We stayed huddled like that while tiny shards of glass cut into our skin. Jeff cussed at the pain, taking the brunt of it.

  It was over in seconds. I nudged Jeff with my elbow and let go of his shirt as he slowly pulled away his arms. My heart pounded in my ears, and as we both rose from our positions, a wave of nausea rolled over me. My body began to sway, and Jeff pressed his hand against my lower back, steadying me as we took in the devastation.

  A large gaping hole was at the center of the large front window. Corner pieces of glass that had managed to hang on were cracked and shattered. What was left of our flat screen television lay scattered in pieces across the yard. I stood frozen in place. It seemed like one of those highway accidents from which you couldn’t look away.

  “Damn,” hissed Jeff.

  Damn, indeed.

  “Fucking bitch! Get back here! Look what you made me do!”

  I cringed as my dad bellowed into the darkness. He was clearly on a bender. The realization my mom was in serious danger pulled me from my stupor and, without a word, I ran toward the door.

  “Hey,” Jeff called to me. “Shouldn’t we phone the police?”

  I glanced at him still standing on the other side of my car, the light from the streetlamp washing him in brightness. It was finally time to reveal one of my secrets. Shit, I don’t have time to explain anything. I ran my hands through my hair. I looked him in the eye and took a deep breath. “No. Sometimes I can get him to calm down.”