Atone

by Beth Yarnall

  His chuckle turns into a moan. “God. I am never drinking again.” His arm snakes around my middle. “I meant I didn’t take advantage of you, did I? The drinking…”

  “I think at the end there it was me taking advantage of you.”

  “That part was pretty awesome.” I can hear the smile in his voice. He kisses my shoulder. “You’re sure about having the birth control covered?”

  “Totally covered. No worries there.”

  “If anything does happen, I’m here for whatever you want.” He lays his head on my shoulder. His hair tickles my chin. “Shit. I really suck at this. I know better than anyone not to take chances like that. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

  “It takes two to tango, Captain. I just need to know you’re clean and we’re all good.”

  “I am. One hundred percent.”

  “Can we go back to sleep now?”

  “Just one more thing.”

  “God, you’re chatty in the morning.”

  I can feel his face crease into a smile. “Not usually.”

  “What is it?”

  He runs his thumb along my collarbone in light, caressing strokes. “I don’t do stuff like that. I’m not…That’s not me. I don’t fuck around.”

  “Me either.” He has no idea how much I don’t fuck around.

  “Okay. That’s all I wanted to get straight.”

  “Does this mean we’re going steady now?”

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “Glad that’s settled. Go to sleep and try not to snore.”

  “I don’t snore.” He sounds genuinely insulted.

  “Oh, but you do.”

  “Do not.”

  “I’ll record you and prove it.”

  “Is it really that bad? Are you not going to want to sleep with me anymore?”

  “I’ll get earplugs.”

  “I’ll buy them for you.”

  “Go to sleep.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  In two seconds he’s out, snoring like a chain saw. I hate that he can drop off so fast, that he fell asleep before me, and how glad I am that last night wasn’t a one-off for him. Glad isn’t the right word. I’m thrilled. Way more than I should be. Us starting something is not a good idea. It’s probably the stupidest idea I’ve had in a long time. The thing is, I don’t see how I could’ve avoided it if I’d wanted to. I like him. A lot. I even like his snoring. This big grizzly bear of a man has worked his way past my defenses as if they weren’t even there. I sift my hand through his hair, wondering what in the world I’m going to do with him and where I would be without him.

  Chapter 13

  Beau

  I leave Vera sleeping in her bed with a note to meet me later at the office, and go home to take a shower and change clothes for work. It was damn hard getting out of a bed with a warm, naked, sexy woman in it, but I’m too new at the agency to take a day off. Being late is going to be bad enough. I’ll have to work overtime to make up the time. I don’t want Mr. Nash to think I’m using my relationship with Cora to take advantage of his generosity. I’m lucky to have this job, and the truth is I like it. I like following cyber-trails to see where they’ll take me and what I’ll find out.

  My head pounds like a motherfucker and I have to pull over to the side of the road to hurl in the gutter halfway between Cora’s apartment and Vera’s motel. I’m never drinking again. As much fun as getting drunk was, it’s not worth the morning after. This is the torture my dad puts himself through every day? No, thank you. The worst part is how irresponsible I was with Vera. At lunch I’m going to buy some earplugs and condoms. That shit cannot happen again. I know way better than that. I haven’t been this disappointed in myself in a long damn time.

  I’m missing parts of last night. Some of it is vivid in my memory and some of it is a black hole. I can’t piece together how I got from eating pizza at the table with Vera to fucking her brains out. That is a huge chunk I’d really like to get back. I have no idea what I did or said that led up to that moment or even what Vera did or said. She seemed okay with what happened, but what if her memory is as faulty as mine? Ugh. Never, ever again.

  I unlock the door to Cora’s apartment and go inside. She’s in the kitchen, making herself a cup of tea in a to-go mug. Leo sits on the couch with coffee in one hand and a bagel in the other, watching a morning show.

  Cora takes in my appearance and makes a face. “You look like shit.”

  “I feel like shit.” I head straight for the coffeemaker to see if Leo left me any.

  “You stink too.” She comes closer and sniffs me. “Were you drinking?”

  “God. Not so loud, okay?”

  “After seeing dad blitzed out of his mind yesterday, you went out and got drunk?” She reaches up and smacks me in the head. “What is wrong with you?”

  I wince. “Owww. That fucking hurt.”

  “Not cool, dude,” Leo tosses in.

  “Good,” Cora says, excruciatingly louder than necessary. “I hope you feel sick all day. I hope you vomit up your guts and your head hurts so bad it feels like it’s going to roll off your shoulders. Oh, my God!” She hits me in the arm. “You didn’t drink and drive, did you? You don’t even have your license back yet.”

  “I drank between the driving, not during it, okay?”

  “No. Not okay. I don’t want two alcoholics in the family. I can’t do that, Beau. I just can’t.”

  “It was just one time. Believe me, I’m never doing that again.”

  “You’re a child of an alcoholic. You’re four times more likely to have a problem with alcohol than someone whose parent doesn’t drink. Did you know that?”

  “Fuck, Cora. Do you have to be so loud?”

  “If this happens again I’m kicking you out.” There are tears in her voice and her lower lip shakes. “Please don’t make me kick you out after everything.”

  I go completely still. Seeing her like this guts me. I can’t move. I did this to her. After everything she did for me, I hurt her the way Dad hurts her.

  Leo must’ve heard the quiver in her voice too, because he comes to stand next to Cora and puts his arm across her shoulders. He glares at me in warning.

  “It was just one time,” I tell her. “I swear.”

  “I hope that’s true,” she tells me.

  “I missed a lot of things,” I say quietly. “Getting piss drunk is one of them.”

  Her hand goes to her mouth. “Oh,” she breathes.

  “I’m sorry. It was stupid. I swear it will never happen again. Okay?”

  She nods, her eyes watery above her hand.

  “Come on, Bluebird. Let’s let Beau get his coffee,” Leo says, scrunching up his nose. “And a shower.”

  “Yeah, okay.” She lets Leo lead her out of the little kitchen area and into the bedroom area.

  I hear them whispering and her sniffing. I want to bash my head against the cabinets, but I’m pretty sure it would crack open. After a few moments they leave the apartment and I’m alone with my self-loathing. I didn’t even think of Cora when I bought that bottle of alcohol last night. All I thought about was not thinking for a little while. When I’m with Vera is the only time my brain is quiet. I wish she were here right now. She’d say something to make the scene with Cora less of a fuck-up.

  I take a quick shower and head to the office. When I get there, Savannah is at her desk. Since the talk I tried to have with her, she’s been a little better. She stopped yelping every time I come within eight feet of her and she doesn’t watch me like I’m a six-foot-three-inch rattlesnake shaking its tail. Progress.

  I pull a flower from the bunch I grabbed on the way in and hand it to her. “Happy Monday.”

  Her eyes do a rapid-blink thing and then she takes the flower, her lips curving into a smile. The first one she’s ever given me. I hope this bodes well for smoothing things over with my sister.

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  I fee
l her gaze on me as I walk to Cora’s office. Well, I guess it’s Cora’s and my office now. Cora’s alone. Leo must have dropped her off before heading back up to school, since I had her car. Her head is bent over a report, and she taps her pen on the desk to a beat only she can hear.

  I hold out the bouquet to her. “I’m sorry.”

  She sets down her pen and takes the flowers. She doesn’t say anything, just stares at the colors and shapes of the petals. I’d give anything to know what she’s thinking right now.

  I get down on one knee so I’m eye level with her. “I fucked up. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

  There are no tears in her eyes when she looks at me, only worry. I hate that I put it there almost as much as the tears I put in them earlier. I’m the most normal person she has left in our family. That’s a pretty fucked-up thing to think about. It’s also sobering in that I have a lot to live up to that I haven’t been. She deserves a better brother than she has at this moment.

  “You didn’t call me to let me know you weren’t coming home.”

  “Shit. I’m sorry for that. I was too busy getting fucked up. I promise to call or text next time.”

  “Where were you?”

  She deserves an answer, but I know she’s not going to like the one I have to give and I’m not ready to talk about what’s happening between Vera and me. I try to wipe the guilt from my face. “I was with a friend.”

  She studies me, her head tilted to one side as though I’m a puzzle she’s trying to work out. “Are you okay?”

  “Sometimes.” It’s the most honest answer I can give.

  “What’s going on with you? Lately you’ve been so…I don’t know…off.”

  “I’m just trying to figure my shit out and not doing a very good job of it.”

  “I think you’re doing pretty good.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah. I do. Other than last night, I think you’ve done well, considering.”

  “Thanks. That means a lot.”

  “Mr. Nash is impressed with your work. I’m impressed. You’re going to be okay, Beau.”

  I’m stunned that she thinks that. Okay is what I aspire to, and it feels a million miles away. Like I’ll need a spaceship and a decade to reach it. I stand and go to my desk, my head full of her confidence in me. It takes me a moment to get my bearings and remember where I left off in my work on Friday.

  “Thank you for the flowers.”

  “You’re welcome. I wish I gave them to you for a different reason.”

  “I’m going to put them in some water.”

  I watch her walk out, her head bent over the bouquet. I wish I’d thought to give her flowers when she picked me up from the prison when I got out. Or when she helped me buy the things I needed for my new life. Or when she got me this job.

  My phone pings with a text message. Other than Cora, Vera is the only person who texts me.

  Vera: (emoji of a monkey with its hands over its ears) Me trying to sleep next to you.

  Me: (smiling emoji) Me getting to sleep next to you.

  Vera: What time should I be at the office? Your note didn’t say.

  Me: In an hour. I need to finish a project for Cora. I have something for you.

  Vera: Is that a euphemism?

  I laugh out loud.

  Me: No. But it could be.

  Vera: It should be.

  Me: Yeah?

  Vera: Yeah.

  Me: Then it’s definitely a euphemism.

  Vera: See you in an hour.

  I’m smiling when Cora walks in with her flowers in a vase and sets them on her desk. “You’re feeling better.”

  “Thank God. Did I say never again?”

  “Yeah, about eighty times.”

  “Never, ever again.”

  “I’m glad. I’d hate to see you drink away the time you just got back.”

  “You didn’t tell me it was that bad with Dad.”

  She lets out a heavy, resigned sigh. “I told you, but it’s something you really have to experience for yourself to believe. I’m sorry you had to see it. Maybe we can try again in a couple weeks.”

  “I think I’ll go see him on my own.”

  “That’s not a good idea. He can be hard to handle. Yesterday was nothing.”

  “I’d like to go to an Al-Anon meeting with you again. I have a lot to learn. A lot I want to learn.”

  “There’s one tomorrow around lunchtime not too far from here.”

  “Okay. Let’s go.”

  “Okay.” Her expression is a lot brighter than it was when I first walked into the office.

  Maybe I will be okay. How can I not be, with Cora and Vera on my side?

  Chapter 14

  Vera

  I arrive at the agency office a few minutes early. My head finally stopped pounding, but my stomach still isn’t happy with me. I missed a lot of things as a teenager, but getting wasted and hungover isn’t among them. I wonder how Beau is feeling. He looked worse than I felt when he slipped out of my room. He didn’t think I was awake, and I was too sick to move, let alone say a proper goodbye.

  The receptionist is at her desk, typing on her computer. She looks up and smiles.

  “Hi. I’m here to see Beau.”

  “Let me see if he’s ready for you.” She goes down the hall and then comes back with Beau trailing behind her.

  “Hey.” He gives the receptionist a glance as though he doesn’t know how to greet me with her around.

  “Hi.” I hold out my hand and we shake like we weren’t naked the last time we saw each other.

  A corner of his mouth tips up. “Come on back to the office.”

  I follow him down the hall. As soon as we’re in the room he shuts the door and backs me up against it. His mouth comes down on mine. The kiss is gentle, yet full of the goodbye we should’ve had this morning and the hello we should’ve had in the reception area. He lifts his head and looks down at me. There’s too much in his expression, and then he blinks and it’s gone, as if it was never there.

  “I got you something.” He pulls a package of earplugs out of his pocket.

  No guy has ever gotten me a present before. It’s not flowers, but it’s thoughtful and so totally Beau that the backs of my eyes sting. No guy has ever made me cry for a good reason. I’m speechless. It’s stupid to get so choked up at such a simple and sort of self-serving gift. I feel ridiculous. To hide my overreaction, I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him. He reacts immediately, hauling me up against him with his big hands on my ass. All of the fire and spark from last night is back, only a thousand times more intense without the dulling effects of alcohol. His mouth is incredible. The things he does with his teeth and tongue. Oh, my God.

  His hands are everywhere and yet not where I want them. He grinds his growing erection against me and stars spark behind my eyelids. I moan and he does it again…and again. He palms my breast, making my nipple hard, and rolls it almost painfully. The sound I make is part whimper, part plea. I want more. I need more. I picture him hiking up my skirt, pulling down my panties, and driving into me while I wrap my legs around his waist. As soon as I have the thought, his hand is up my skirt, his fingers skating across the damp crotch of my underwear.

  “Jesus,” he breathes against my open mouth. “You’re so fucking wet.”

  “Are you going to finish what you’re starting?”

  “I can’t.” He slips a finger into my panties. “Not here.” He strokes into me and has to wrap his other arm around me when my knees buckle. “I could get in trouble.” His thumb rubs my clit and I bite down on his shoulder to keep from crying out. “Maybe even fired.” His fingers are fucking magic. “If I get fired, I can’t help you.” I open my legs wider for him. “You want me to help you, don’t you?” I nod. “I like helping you.” He does this thing between my legs that makes my head drop back. His mouth covers mine to catch my scream as I come.

  I’m pinned to the door by his big body. He’s got a hand in my underwear and
a hand on my tit and he’s kissing me like he can’t get enough of me. I’m boneless.

  When he lifts his head he smiles at me. “I really like helping you.”

  “I really like your help.”

  He fixes my skirt and straightens my blouse. “You can’t say I don’t finish what I start.”

  “No, I can’t.”

  “Here.” He retrieves the earplugs I dropped on the floor and hands them to me. “You might need these.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “I might start something again later.”

  “I hope you do.”

  He gives me a quick kiss. “Let me show you what I found.” He moves the other chair around to his desk like he did before, so I can sit next to him at his computer.

  My legs are a little wobbly as I follow him across the room. He notices and gives me a self-satisfied smile. This guy is going to be trouble for me. I can’t put him in a hidden pocket and take him with me if I suddenly have to run. What he seems to want from me won’t fit in my day-by-day, temporary lifestyle. If I disappear, how would he handle it? With his skills, he’d probably try to find me, and that could be just as dangerous as what I’m running from—for him and for me. I’m making a mistake here, letting him in. I shouldn’t have let it get this far.

  “Will you promise me something?” I blurt out.

  He turns to me in surprise. “What?”

  “If I’m suddenly…gone…you won’t try to find me.”

  “Are you in danger? Did something happen?”

  “No. But if it does I might not be able to say goodbye. Are you going to be okay with that?”

  He sits back in his chair. His hands are loose in his lap, but the rest of his body tenses. He considers my question, his blue eyes laser-focused on my face. There’s not a lot of room here for negotiation. I have to know he’ll let me go if I run. Self-preservation is and has to be my top priority. I can’t let what’s happening between us change that. My life depends on my ability to make a move at a moment’s notice. Especially being this close to where it all started.

  “No.” I can see he has questions to ask, but he doesn’t voice them. “But I’ll deal with it.”