Liberating Paris

by Linda Bloodworth Thomason

  Wood was dumbstruck, “You’re a virgin?”

  “I was. Until a couple of hours ago.”

  Milan said, “Oh, my God.”

  “You and mother taught me that morals and respecting yourself are very important. Remember? And since I didn’t fall in love with anyone before Luke, I didn’t have sex. And since I knew right away that I was going to marry him, I decided to wait. You know, to make it kind of an old-fashioned thing.”

  Wood stepped away a little. “Okay, this is more information than I want.”

  “Well, I’m sorry, Daddy, but I didn’t have sex based on your moral code. I see now that that was stupid, but I would like to get credit for my sacrifice.”

  Milan gestured toward her bathroom. “Lils, can I see you in here please?”

  Elizabeth obliged her mother while Wood awkwardly finished dressing with Luke watching him.

  Once they were in the bathroom, Milan spoke first, “What are you doing?”

  Elizabeth hugged her, excited. “Mother, it was wonderful. I love sex! And I didn’t even know! It wasn’t awkward at all. Everything fit together perfectly!”

  “Oh, my God.”

  “It’s okay. You told me to save myself for someone I love and I did. Be happy for me!”

  “All right.” Milan seemed overwhelmed. “I am. I will.”

  She hugged Elizabeth back, wondering if this was appropriate.

  Elizabeth said, “Good. But right now we have to go tell Kathleen and the Duffers that the wedding’s off.” She held Milan by the shoulders, excited. “Then, we’re gonna go somewhere and do it again!”

  Milan followed her daughter out. “Oh, my God. You need to calm down, young lady.” When they returned to the bedroom, Wood was waiting.

  “Look, honey, I appreciate your fine morals. If you want me to admit that you’re a better person than your old man, I’ve known that for years. But you’ve got a whole lifetime to punish me. This is your day. If you’re not gonna use it, then make it for a reason that’s about you, not me.”

  Elizabeth didn’t even seem angry when she said, “Well, I wish I could, Daddy, but the truth is, that’s just not possible now.”

  Wood started to pace and swear a little under his breath.

  Luke said, “Look, we’re not calling off the wedding to spite you. But we can’t get married just to make you feel less guilty either.”

  “I get it. I understand.” He paced some more, then, “All right. You all just do whatever you need to do.” He looked at Milan. “Are you okay with this?”

  She met his gaze, steeling herself. “Yes. I think so.”

  Wood shrugged. “Okay. I don’t give a damn what it costs. The important thing now is that you decided this together and that we’ll all live to see a better day.”

  Milan was getting into gear now. “Oh, my God. I’ve got to tell Dwight and Denny.” Then, to Wood, “You better get your doctor bag out. Somebody’s gonna have a heart attack. There’s four hundred pounds of lobster, the flowers, the cake. What are we gonna do with the cake?”

  Elizabeth threw her arms around her mother. “Oh, Mims, I’m so sorry for you.”

  “It’s all right. I know. We’ll freeze it. That way it can stay beautiful forever!”

  A little later, valet parkers had assembled a mile’s worth of cars on the road to Fast Deer Farm. The folding chairs were half-full of carefully turned-out people and a small orchestra was playing Corelli’s “Pastorale.”

  Inside, Mavis was supervising last-minute touches on the wedding buffet, which was designed to resemble a sumptuous country picnic. All of these things were continuing to happen for the same reason the rehearsal dinner had gone on. Because no one had yet stopped it. Everyone sensed that the previously tenuous situation had now escalated. But Milan, still unwilling to risk the hysteria of the two florists, among others, had stopped short of publicly saying that the wedding was off.

  Elizabeth and Luke had gone to the hotel to tell Kathleen and the Duffers about their decision. The rest of the wedding party, the bridesmaids and ushers, were upstairs, lounging around on the beds and watching television, still unsure as to their fate. But several of the more perceptive girls were starting to cry.

  Wood and Milan were now huddled in the den with their Episcopal minister, Dr. Regas, trying to figure out the best way to proceed while incurring the least amount of damage. Charlie, Slim, and Sidney Garfinkel were also present. A few feet away, Charlotte watched Brundidge practice the flower-girl walk with Cake and Lily looking on. On the small chance that this wedding might still be given a reprieve, he carried one of the little baskets on his arm, advancing slowly. “See? They’re like baby steps. And don’t worry if you mess up. Your daddy’s gonna love you anyway. Remember, you just throw your little petals like this and smile.”

  Charlotte said, “I don’t know why you just don’t do it yourself. You’re good. You’re really good.”

  Miss Delaney and Serious had come inside because Serious had gotten a splinter in his hand from one of the chairs. Milan found a pair of tweezers and began working on the offending sliver. Mavis came over and listened to the discussion that was unfolding. Dr. Regas was speaking. “I don’t think we need to offer any detailed explanation. I think we just say these young people have simply decided that they need more time.”

  Slim said, “Right. Anyway, who cares what people think? If only this could be the worst thing that ever happens to us.”

  Now Miss Delaney and Serious had to be let in on everything, and Miss Delaney, with a newly awakened interest in romance, tried to hide her disappointment. Then Wood told the minister that he would go outside himself and let people know that the wedding had been called off. And that was when Milan started saying something about how maybe they should go ahead and have a party anyway. People were already here and dressed up and the orchestra had come all the way from Little Rock. And the truth was, frozen cake is never really very good. She had just said that to make her daughter feel better. And then she said something that would alter not only the outcome of this day, but would forever change the town of Paris and many of the people in it. Would divide families and friends in a way that nothing else had since the Civil War. And it had all begun quite innocently, when all Milan said was that it was a shame there wasn’t someone else who wanted to get married today. And Brundidge, who had been crossing with several Bloody Marys and sipping one, literally almost choked on it, like a comedian with perfect timing. And Charlotte had told him not to flatter himself—that he had nothing to worry about. Everyone had laughed a little, except for Mavis, who didn’t laugh at all and was now staring at Mary Paige as though she was already picturing the two of them standing in front of the Cecil Bruner rose trellis. And she was not the only dreamer in the room, either. Miss Delaney took Serious out into the hallway and the others could see that an intense discussion was taking place.

  Now Milan was beginning to question what she had just put in motion. She watched as Mavis crossed to Mary Paige, then flirtatiously leaned down over her and began whispering. Milan marveled that she had never seen Mavis look so happy, noticing that even the childishly overdone eye shadow could not detract from her newly acquired radiance. When the two women’s faces touched softly, they laughed, and in spite of the old uneasy feeling that was starting to build inside of her, Milan was struck by how much this put her mind of the scene upstairs that had just unfolded between herself and Wood.

  A few minutes later, Mavis and Mary Paige were seated on the sofa in front of the minister. Mavis’s initial excitement had now been tempered by fear and her hands were trembling so badly that Mary Paige had to hold them. Mavis had assumed that lesbians could at least get married spiritually, but now Dr. Regas was explaining that, while he had no personal objection to their union, Episcopalians could not officiate at same-gender marriages as long as they were illegal.

  Out in the hallway, Serious West had other concerns. “Margaret Delaney, do you want to get us both shot?”

&nbs
p; “Why not? We’ve already lived past our normal life expectancy.”

  He could see that she was completely earnest. “Serious, I don’t care one whit about that piece of paper, but I would like to let people know how I feel about you. I think that’s an important part of loving someone. And it might settle down all the talk at the nursing home.”

  “You think you and me getting married is gonna settle down the talk?”

  “I don’t know. I just know that when you kiss me, it would be legal. And I’m getting too old to be a nonconformist.”

  “Girl, you’ve got a strange way of looking at things.”

  “You still haven’t answered. Will you marry me?”

  “What do you think?”

  Then Serious picked her up and swung her around so forcefully that Miss Delaney lost one of her shoes. They didn’t have to explain their decision because people could see by now what had happened. Wood had gone over and reassured them that he and Milan would be pleased to host their wedding. And everyone had begun to congratulate them, but all Miss Delaney could see were the deeply wounded faces of Mavis and Mary Paige. And she stopped the well-wishing immediately and planted herself next to the two women on the sofa, declaring, “We’ll get married today. But only if Mavis and Mary Paige are standing up there with us.” Then she added, “I say if we’re gonna break one rule, why not break them all?”

  Milan and Wood exchanged a look of uncertainty and, strangely, each seemed not to mind it. In the spirit of good manners, everyone else smiled. Some smiles stayed on longer than others as people took in the full measure of what was happening and also what the consequences might be. A little daring is sometimes called for when a plan has gone awry. But now this was beyond daring. This was do or die social suicide.

  Fifteen minutes later, the wooden seats were completely full. The harpist had started “Cavalleria Rusticana Intermezzo,” which was the last song before the wedding music was to begin. Dwight and Denny were frantically attempting to reassemble some of the bridesmaids’ flowers into another wedding bouquet. Denny added drama to the situation by claiming that he had actually been forced to slap one of the girls who hadn’t wanted to let go. A newly returned Luke and Elizabeth struggled to soothe the hurt feelings of the wedding party, as well as to comprehend who they themselves were being replaced by. Elizabeth was ecstatic over these new events. She had always been fond of Miss Delaney and had long ago begun to think of her Aunt Mavis as something of an icon. Luke was just relieved that his grandparents and mother were now on their way home. The Duffers had finally learned from several of their friends about Wood and Kathleen’s affair. They had thought that nothing their daughter did could shock them anymore, but they had been wrong. And Luke was thinking that if they could see who was replacing their grandson and his fiancée in the society wedding of the year, it would probably finish them off.

  Rudy, who was now in charge of the entire kitchen crew, began barking orders as though this were the precise moment, since coming to America, that he had been waiting for. Margaret Delaney and Serious were busy talking to his son Marcus and Marcus’s wife, Janine, who had been summoned inside to hear their big news. And you could tell just by looking that Marcus did not think this was a very good idea. But you could also tell, by Serious’s demeanor and the way that he placed his hand on Marcus’s shoulder, that he was letting his son know this was a done deal. That Serious was not in asking mode. He was in notification mode. After a while, Serious and Marcus broke away from the women, with Serious pulling him closer, whispering in his ear, and you could see with every nod of Marcus’s head that the father was winning the son over with his signature arsenal of intimidation, charisma, and charm.

  Slim and Sidney had ventured outside with instructions to present as normal a front as possible. They shook hands and greeted people warmly. Sidney seemed invigorated by his status as a conspirator in the daring plot that was now unfolding. Slim told him that he was smiling too much. And that he seemed more demented than merely happy. Then Sidney said that she didn’t seem joyful enough for the grandmother of a presumed bride to be, which led to a few more disagreeable words before they realized that this was their second fight (the first one having occurred over Ingrid Bergman) and another silly one at that, which got them both to laughing, causing even more speculation as to what was going on.

  Inside, Cake and Lily Brundidge were seated on the sofa, on either side of Charlotte, with their feet dangling and their little baskets of rose petals in their laps. The heels of their matching patent leather shoes annoyingly hit the front of the Chinese coffee table, until their dad, huddled in deep conversation with Wood, told them to stop. Then he went back to his discussion, lowering his voice.

  “Now, I want to get this straight. You’re gonna go tell all those people who got dressed up and came here today that your daughter is not gonna marry her boyfriend after all. But what we do have are two fat lesbians and an old black man who wants to marry an old white woman. And then you want me to let my little girls go out there and sprinkle rose petals for them. I don’t know. Call me a worrywart, but I don’t have a good feeling about that. I don’t have a good feeling at all.”

  “You know those people out there might just surprise you.”

  Brundidge got as close to Wood as he could. “What did you do? Fuck all your brains out? They’re not gonna surprise me. They’ll tear those girls to shreds. There won’t be anything left. Hell, I’ll be lucky to find a little piece of ribbon.”

  Wood sat, leaning forward, mulling this over. Then he said, “Let’s just cross one bridge at a time, okay? Right now I’m more worried about finding a minister.”

  Frank Lanier, who was in the kitchen stuffing his coat and pants pockets with little pastries, suddenly perked up, like a bird dog going on point. Then he crossed to where Wood and Brundidge were. “Hey! Is somebody lookin’ for a minister?”

  Upstairs in the master bedroom Milan was putting the final touches on Mary Paige’s makeup. A newly gathered bridal bouquet was on the dressing table. Elizabeth was lying on the bed playing with baby Paris. “Bonjour, mon petit chou.”

  Mavis was complaining that Milan was making Mary Paige look like a streetwalker, or even worse, a damn corpse at Cotrell’s Funeral Home. And the husher had answered, “Oh, hush. I’m just giving her a little color. You can’t get married unless at least one of you is blushing. Which reminds me, I need to take yours down a notch.”

  Mavis was offended. “Why can’t I blush?”

  “Number one, you’ve already got on way too much. And number two…” Milan hesitated.

  “What?”

  “Well, it just seems like, you know…” Her voice trailed off. “You should be the man.”

  Mavis narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, you’re both wearing pantsuits. People are gonna get confused. I just think Mary Paige should carry the bouquet.”

  “Why don’t I get a bouquet?”

  “Because, you know…you’re the man.”

  “Stop saying that! I am not the man! Why do you need labels?”

  “I don’t need labels. But if I have a wedding in my backyard it has to make sense. There has to be a bride and a groom.”

  “Why?”

  “Because there just does. Otherwise, nobody will understand it. Why do you have to argue? Just decide who’s the bride, who’s groom, and then, after the ceremony, you can be whatever you want.”

  Mavis shrugged to Mary Paige. “Do you believe this?”

  Elizabeth said, without even looking their way. “You might as well give in. She made me learn calligraphy.”

  Finally, Mary Paige said softly, “We’ve never even discussed which one’s the bride.”

  Milan was astonished. “Okay, but I just think this is a mistake—”

  Mavis cut her off. “All right! Give her the damn bouquet!” Mavis picked up the flowers and tossed them to Mary Paige. Then to Milan, “There. I’m the one who changes the tires and kills the
spiders! Happy?”

  Wood and Brundidge and Dr. Regas were now huddled over a certificate that Frank Lanier had produced from his wallet. It carried a large stain that Frank said had been caused when his girlfriend spilled the juice from a can of Vienna sausage on it, adding that even though the juice was clear, it was still hard to get out. Brundidge shook his head, repulsed by this explanation. The paper, which had Doctor of Divinity scrawled across it in enormous gold letters, certified that Frank Lanier had successfully completed a seven-week course by mail from the University of Esoterica. Dr. Regas examined it, mystified, but finally declared that while highly irregular, he certainly couldn’t say it wasn’t valid. Then there was a discussion about calling in one of the several judges present, or a lawyer, for an expert opinion, when Charlotte spoke up and said, “I’m a lawyer.”

  Brundidge was shocked. “You’re a lawyer? How come I didn’t know that?”

  “It never came up.” Charlotte looked at the certificate.

  Brundidge smiled at Wood, proud. “She’s a lawyer.”

  “Yes. I got that.”

  Then, Charlotte shrugged. “Looks okay to me.” Brundidge was dubious. “The University of Esoterica? Are you kidding?”

  “It’s bullshit. But you could probably make a case for it. The right to declare yourself a religious entity is very broad and varies from state to state.”

  Frank said, “That’s right. It also means you don’t have to pay no sales tax on hooch and smokes.”

  Wood said to Charlotte, “Are you sure about this?”

  “Not the hooch and smokes part. But what are you worried about? People who are completely intoxicated are married every day by idiots wearing Elvis suits.”

  Brundidge looked at Wood. “Well, there’s your answer.” Then he regarded Charlotte, not quite sure what to make of the Elvis comment. And he also noticed that she seemed to enjoy him the most when he was not quite sure.

  Frank smiled. He was on a roll. Not only was his most prized possession now safely ensconced inside the Twentieth-Century Millennium Time Capsule, but he was also about to officiate at the most important wedding of the year. Okay, it had turned into a three-ring circus and had some elements he didn’t approve of at all, but that was just the price you paid for being around Wood McIlmore and Earl Brundidge, who had a habit of letting situations deteriorate into something like this. He looked straight at Wood and Brundidge and began to sing, suggestive, cocky, “You can’t always get what you waaant. But if you try you might get what you ne-eed.” Then Frank paused and just stood there, shaking his head up and down, as though he were now absorbing the glory of having made such a fine point.