We were standing close, and when he looked down, his expression was so serious. So determined. I couldn’t breathe.
“I miss that so much.” He leaned forward and before I could even think, his mouth covered mine. Lips parted, and our tongues met. My knees buckled, but his arm went around my waist holding me up.
He pressed me against the wall, catching my cheek with one hand. A little noise came from my throat as he kissed me deeper, and for a moment I was lost in the whirlwind of what was happening.
I knew what he wanted. I could feel it, but somehow, through all of it, I managed to fight. I found my feet, and I grasped desperately at the strength I’d been so proud of. My hands fumbled to his shoulders as I pushed him away.
Our lips parted with a smack, and I covered my face. “Oh my god.” I cried in a whisper. “Oh my god!”
Tears splashed between my fingers onto my cheeks, and I was drowning in the tsunami of guilt over what I’d just done, what I’d just let happen.
“Anna…” His voice was husky, and he was back, leaning in for more.
I ducked and spun out of his embrace. “You have to leave. Now!” I took a shuddering breath and wiped the tears away. Oh, god. What had I done?
“Are you crying?” The desire that was in his voice was now replaced with confusion. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
I didn’t have time to explain what he should already know. “Goodnight, Jack.”
Stepping through the door, I slammed it shut, turning the lock before I slid down to sitting. I put my forehead on my knees and sobbed.
* * *
Rachel had spent the night with Brad, so I wasn’t sure how long I sat on the floor in front of the door crying. Jack had knocked a little while, begging me to open up and talk to him, but he finally went away. I leaned to my side and cried, staring at the crack under my door where the light was still on, where my laptop still sat on the bed, where I’d just talked to my love before I went out and betrayed him.
I couldn’t move from all the emotions weighing me down. Of all the things I’d feared would come between us, me kissing Jack had never been one of them. I hadn’t been able to imagine any scenario that would lead to such an occurrence. How had I let this happen?
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and somehow I managed to lift it.
Julian texted me. Sorry about tonight. I guess I’m still processing everything.
Closing my eyes, I could see his dark head. His blue eyes and sweet lips, the only lips I wanted pressed against mine ever. My stomach cramped harder.
No worries. I texted back. It’s a lot to process. I can wait. I love you.
I love you. Night, Sunshine.
Fresh tears flooded my eyes, and I decided to wait. I’d tell him in person what happened, so he could see my face. So he could know no matter how badly I’d screwed up, I was so, so sorry. I loved him so much, and I’d do whatever it took to prove it to him.
Anna’s Private Blog: April Storms
Julian and I continued to Skype like always, and while the heaviness of what I’d done pressed down on me, I was able to put it away in my mind, waiting until we were together again to come clean.
I’d actually been able to forget about it. Spring break was getting closer, and apart from school, his family, me, our friends, were all preoccupied with the preparations and buildup to Lucy’s wedding.
It was only a week out, and while seeing him again, knowing what I had to say, filled me with dread, I was ready to get it out in the open. I was prepared for him to be angry. I was ready for him to shout or pull away or even say he needed a few days to process.
I wasn’t ready for him to call.
I hit connect, and his face popped up on my screen. His expression was serious, but it had been for the last few weeks—ever since we’d talked about his mother and her relationship with his dad.
“One more week.” I stretched on the bed, finding it impossible to hide my smile. “This is the longest we’ve ever been apart. I expect you glued to my side the entire weekend.”
He didn’t respond, and I propped my head up to gaze at his sweet face. His blue eyes set off dramatically by his dark hair and tanned skin. So gorgeous. “I’m changing my plans.”
“Okay! You know I love all your ideas.” Lucy was already dropping hints about how she wanted mine and Julian’s wedding to be, and I loved every suggestion and theme she floated past me. “Are you ditching the tux? Let me guess. The wardrobe choice is now sexy rock-n-roll.”
I remembered the night of his presentation at the National Athletic Center. I’d tried to go formal, and he’d shown up at my house one hundred percent Sex Pistols.
“Maybe. I never tell Renee how to dress.”
“What?” A spear of ice drove down the center of my torso. I sat up confused, searching his face that was miles away, yet still right in front of me on the screen. Was he joking? And if he was, did he realize how hurtful it was? I tried to laugh. “I don’t understand.”
“Renee’s in town. She’s one of the bridesmaids. I thought she might like to be my date to the wedding.”
Painful flares kept radiating through my stomach. “But… what about me?”
“What about you?”
My eyes were wide as they flew around his face. His expression was closed, giving nothing away. He had withdrawn, and his tone was informational, unemotional.
I managed to speak, even though my throat was closing. “I’m your date.”
“I’m sure you’ll be too busy keeping Jack company to notice.”
“Keeping Jack…” The words died in my dry throat. He knew. “I’m not keeping Jack company. I’m keeping you company.”
“That’s not what I’ve heard.”
“What you’ve heard? What—”
“Save it, Anna.” He flashed then. “I’m up here working my ass off, dealing with all this shit, and I’m believing the one thing I can count on is us. You.”
“And you’re absolutely right! You can count on me!”
“Until he shows up.”
“No! It is not like that!” My voice was raised, and I was gripping the sides of my laptop. “Julian. You’re wrong. I love you.”
“Goodnight, Anna.” The screen went black.
“NO!” I shrieked, gripping my laptop.
I lifted it, but Rachel was somehow in the room, and she caught my hands. “Whoa, don’t throw it! You need this.”
She took the computer out of my hands and placed it safely on my desk, but I slid to the floor as tears poured from my eyes. I kept going until I was lying on my side, knees clutched in my chest.
“Anna? Tell me what happened.” She kneeled beside me, rubbing my back, but I was temporarily paralyzed. My insides throbbed with the pain of his words. He’d found out. Somehow he’d found out before I’d had a chance to explain in person, and now he’d never listen. He thought I was hiding that first night. Two times was too many, and now he was pulling away.
Desperation pulled at my scalp so hard, my temples throbbed. The pressure of my headache made me want to vomit, but I crawled to my feet.
“I’ve got to go to Savannah.” My voice was broken. “Tonight.”
Rachel’s brow pierced. “You’re not going anywhere. Tell me what happened!”
“There’s no time.” Shaking my head, I started moving around the room grabbing clothes. “I have to talk to Julian. I have to make him understand.”
“Anna!” She took the clothes out of my bag as quickly as I put them in. “All of Lucy’s wedding events start in four days. You’ve got to go to class.”
“I don’t care about class. I don’t care about anything…”
“Right now you don’t.” She caught my hand. “Listen to me. Okay, you had a fight. It sounds like a bad one, but you’ll make up. Trust me, you will. You can’t let school suffer in the meantime.”
I blinked up, staring into her face as my insides slowly disintegrated. “I can’t.” Tears were coming again, but she pulle
d me into a hug.
“Yes, you can. Just be strong a little bit, and we’ll all be together again by the end of the week.”
Anna’s Private Blog: Lucy’s Wedding
Somehow I managed to get through the last few days of class, but I was the walking dead. Everything was a blur of noise and bodies, and I didn’t care about any of it. My stomach was a lead weight, and each passing second ticked the vise of desperation tighter across my chest. Every breath was a silent prayer for Julian to please understand, please listen, please forgive me.
He wouldn’t return my texts or pick up when I Skyped. It was killing me. At night I wore my ring and slept under my portrait, the placeholder one. I hoped that hundreds of miles away, he was looking at the one we shared. I hoped he saw the dragonflies, our hands bound together, and knew the truth—nothing could ever come between us.
Finally it was time to drive home. Rachel kept talking as we crossed the miles from New Orleans to Fairview, but I wasn’t listening. I was counting down the hours until I’d see him again.
Since we weren’t communicating, I didn’t know when he’d be in town, but I planned to drive to Peninsula Avenue as soon as I got home and bang on the door until he saw me. I didn’t expect his car not to be there.
He didn’t come home.
At all of the pre-wedding events, Lucy was radiant and glowing, so happy. Every time she’d ask me about Julian, I would only smile and shrug, trying to make up some excuse that might sound plausible. She had way too much on her plate this weekend because every time, she’d frown and let it go. Any other time, we’d have been having a coffee-shop pow-wow.
So we had our wedding party event, then we had rehearsal dinner. The bridesmaids, which included Summer and Renee planned a bachelorette, but I made an excuse. I couldn’t take any more questioning from Lucy about where Julian was, and even worse, there was no way I was hanging out with Renee Barron all night if he really had asked her to be his date.
I spent the night home, alone. I wanted to call Gabi and get some friendly reassurance, but I was actually afraid she’d tell me it was my fault. I should’ve told him right away about Jack taking me to dinner and the kiss.
He was still dealing with the fallout of his dad’s revelation, with realizing what his parents’ affair had meant for his new sibling group, how his creation had shredded their young lives. I didn’t want to add to his stress, and I really wanted to be face to face, in person when we talked, when I confessed and then begged for forgiveness.
It was all my stupid pride. Jack had finally said all the things I’d always wanted him to say. He’d finally validated all those times I’d taken him back, and I was such a stupid little girl, for a moment I’d lost track of what was most important—Julian and me. Nothing else mattered.
Now he wasn’t here, he wouldn’t talk to me, and I had no way of knowing if he was even coming. Why was he staying away? He said he’d be at the wedding. He had to give me a chance to explain.
* * *
Lucy’s wedding day was gorgeous. Spring break is hard to predict in South County—it can either be cold and rainy or sunny and breezy. This day was the latter. Flawless.
The ceremony was to take place on the large flagstone balcony that led off the downstairs living room. It was a large space that looked out over Bayou Saint John toward Evangeline. Since I was one of the bridesmaids, I’d arrived early to get ready and help Lucy with whatever she needed.
My hair was blown out straight, and the bubble-skirts on the coral bridesmaids dresses we all wore were thigh length. Each of us had the choice of strapless, one-shoulder strap, or two narrow straps. I went with the latter. Rachel had opted for the one-shoulder strap, but of course Renee went strapless. One swift pull and her top would be down, her stupid perfect boobs popping out. I couldn’t even let my mind go there.
Julian apparently had arrived during the night. I couldn’t breathe when I pulled into the circular driveway and saw his car. I’d have run into the house to tear the place apart until I found him if Summer hadn’t intercepted me.
“Excited for the big day?” She was back to airhead voice. “Lucy’s dress is so gorgeous. By the way, we missed you last night. Did you beg off so you could spend it with Julian?”
My mouth dropped open. I was about to say no, but I knew she’d ask why. I didn’t want Julian’s and my problem to be the focus of the day. Lucy and Robert were that.
Instead I shook my head. “No.” I gently rubbed the front of my neck. “My throat’s been so sore. I might have a virus, and I don’t want to get Lucy sick on her wedding day.”
“That would be the ultimate party pooper! Can you imagine? Sick on your honeymoon?”
Nodding, I touched my throat again as if it hurt. I wasn’t lying. The sight of Julian’s car had my neck muscles so tight, I was afraid I’d burst into tears at any moment. At least it was normal to cry at weddings.
We went inside, and all the girls were holding mimosas. Lucy hustled up to me in that gorgeous dress. It was off-white strapless and form-fitted all the way to the floor with a soft-white tulle overlay accented with tiny clusters of seed pearls. Her hair hung down her back in soft waves, and a slim silver headband accented with crystals would hold her veil. She was stunning. “Where have you been? I was sure we’d have morning coffee together since my little brother finally showed up!”
I could feel Renee’s eyes burning into my back, so I continued the lie. “Sore throat,” I whispered, touching the front of my neck.
“Oh no! How awful!” She started to hug me, but I pulled back waving as if to preserve her health. “Do you even want a mimosa?”
“Better not.” I continued whispering.
“Darn.” She air-kissed me and headed back to her seat in front of the mirror.
The other girls were at varying stages of ready. I’d arrived dressed, so I didn’t need to do anything. Instead, I went to where Rachel was finishing up her makeup and slipped between an armoire and her mirror, partially hidden.
“Love your hair like that.” She gave me a quick glance and finished applying her mascara. “You’re claiming sickness?”
She and I were the only ones who knew the real truth. Well, and possibly Renee if she was truly Julian’s date. At this point, she hadn’t made a move toward me. She was helping Lucy fasten the pins that would hold the delicate veil at the top of her head.
“I don’t know where he is.” My voice was low, as I tried to avoid notice. “He must’ve driven in last night, but he’s either with the guys or in his room.”
Rachel packed her makeup bag and glanced around to where Renee and Lucy. “Let’s slip out. See what we might find.”
Nodding, I followed her out the side door. Drinks were going around, and the other girls didn’t seem to notice us leave. The small room we were in was just off the balcony. When the wedding march began, Lucy would emerge from the glass French doors right into the aisle between the chairs. We were all expected to assemble at the front when the first piece of music began.
“There’s Brad.” Rachel took my arm and led me through the guests to where he stood with Jack.
I noticed Jack’s eyebrows rise in my peripheral vision, but I didn’t make eye contact.
“Hey, babe.” Brad kissed his girlfriend when we approached. “You look hot. Hey, Anna.”
I nodded, hoping he’d say something about Julian. He didn’t. Any more of this pressure, and I was sure I’d lose it. More of the bridesmaids were spilling out onto the balcony area, and wedding guests were taking their seats.
Lucy had included Ms. LaSalle in her wedding arrangements, seating her where the mothers were traditionally placed. Mr. Kyser stood down front talking to her, and I could tell by his expression he was in heaven. Lucy’s embrace of Julian’s mother had gone a long way toward healing her relationship with her father. During the last few days, the sight of him smiling at his daughter and lavishing praise on her made me so happy, but it wasn’t the sight I longed to see.
&nbs
p; Once again, I turned and scanned the room, sweeping past the guests, past the columns of flowers, to the back and down front again. I was just checking the other side when a pair of blue eyes stopped my heart.
He was there, gorgeous in a tux, and standing with his back to a column that held more roses. He didn’t acknowledge me. I wasn’t sure if he even saw me, but just then my question about Renee was answered. She crossed the room quickly to where he stood and threw her arms around his neck. His hands held her waist, and my stomach cramped so hard, I had to find the nearest exit.
Tears were coming fast as I ran through into the enormous living room, taking the first door I saw. It was another room I’d never been in before. Elegantly decorated in sky blue and white with lace curtains, it had several pristine wood and silk chairs arranged in half the space. Several end tables with Tiffany lamps on them were dotted throughout, and in the back corner near the window was a large piano. As far as I knew, no one in the family played, and I wondered why this room was designed like a private concert space.
I walked to the back and sat on the piano bench, propping my elbows on the closed keyboard. Tears spilled over from my eyes, but I tried to catch them with my fingertips. It was too early to be crying for the wedding, and my carefully applied makeup would be spoiled. I had to get control of myself or everyone would know what had happened.
We’d broken up, and now Julian was inside with Renee. The sight of her hanging on his arm like the green-eyed spider she’d always been pulverized the pain beating in my chest.
“You look very beautiful today.” Jack had followed me. He crossed the room at a leisurely pace and sat on the bench beside me with his back against the keyboard.
It didn’t make any sense for me to push him away now, but I really didn’t want to discuss it with anybody. So I tried to joke.
“I’d return the compliment, but you look great every day.”
Mosaic (Dragonfly #4) Page 15
