by Carnal, MJ
“Was it hard?”
“Some days. Other days, no.”
“Were you like this after your first tour?”
“I suppose not, no. There were certain aspects that I struggled with. But I’m sure we all struggle in some way when we come back. We have to readjust to life, just like our families had to adjust to having us back home.”
“What happened this last time then that made you… you know?” She bit her lip after she asked.
I blew out a heavy breath. “I’m not sure that’s something that I can answer completely right now.” Still, needing her to know some of it, I went on. “I worked every day with the same group of guys. We ate together, slept in the same room together, drilled together, and patrolled together. Basically anything we could do together besides pissing and shitting together, we did. It obviously was easy for all of us to get close. They became my brothers. Since I had been an only child, I figured that was what having a brother must have been like. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for them.” Swallowing, her eyes moved to my Adam’s apple. “I would have even died for them. If there was gunfire or bombs going off, I would have thrown myself in front of them without a second thought.”
I needed to stop and breathe. This was more than I’d ever said to anybody before. Not even the damn therapists the Army sends you to after being through what I had to help you debrief and decompress. I had told them what they wanted to hear. I’d kept my words mechanical and unemotional. After so long, they gave up on me and signed me off as fit to be discharged. With Kat’s hand rubbing soothing circles on my back, I knew that she wouldn’t judge me. She was listening to me, not spouting off medical terms and suggesting medicine to help me cope or sleep. I continued.
“One day, two weeks before we were supposed to be coming home, we went out on a patrol. Everything about it was routine. We’d skimmed the parameter of the western side of Fallujah and then were headed back to base. But then something had caught my eye. We’d seen things over the course of a few months, some things that had raised red flags. We hadn’t stopped to check it out because we’d been trained that if it didn’t involve us directly, then leave well enough alone. However, it was something that we’d discussed as a squad that if we saw this particular thing happen again, we’d check it out.” Kat had paused her rubbing but started it back up again when I’d stopped talking. “When we’d halted the vehicle, everything seemed to happen so quickly I could barely process it all. What I do know is that when I said I would have protected my brothers at all costs… well, they meant it too. I lost them all that day. I was the only survivor out of my squad and another squad that had accompanied us.”
“Oh my god, Timber I’m so sorry,” she said, I could hear the tears in her voice, but I didn’t want to see them right now. I was feeling too raw.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. None of us saw it coming, and I should have never told the boys what I’d seen.”
“What did you see?”
I shook my head no. “Huh-uh… I can’t Kat, not right now.”
I looked up at the digital clock that sat on top of my TV. It was almost five and I told her it was time for her to go to work. As she stood, she pulled me up too. When her small little arms wrapped around my middle and hugged me tight, I could have sworn I felt a little bit of my pain ease out of me. This small person was holding on to me like she was trying to hold me together. It was one of the kindest gestures she could have given me. I stood there in her arms, my own arms resting on her shoulders, my cheek lying on her head, and I was in awe of her. She wasn’t scared of me, and she didn’t judge me. How on earth did I find this diamond in a world that was so harsh and dark?
Chapter Ten
Kat
In the past three weeks, somehow Timber and I had found a comfortable routine with each other. I’d come to the realization that he was going to be in my life for however long he lived here, and I needed to stop being such a cold bitch to him. After he’d told me his story about his fallen comrades, I couldn’t help but open my heart to him. I had to let him in and let him be a part of my life and not be so guarded. There was no other way for me to describe how I felt around him but… safe. He made me feel completely protected, and not in the same sense that I felt safe around Beaver or my uncle, but in the sense that he understood me. If I needed to be left alone, he left me alone but was never too far. If I needed to feel secure, he would wrap his arms around me and make me feel like I was whole and not just a piece. If I needed a friend he would sit and listen when I would talk about things that had bubbled to the surface. Somehow, someway, Timber had whittled himself into my life and made himself a fixture that I could rely on. The only flaw in our semi-perfect relationship was that we both had secrets we wouldn’t share. I’d kept very quiet about what I went through with Adam. I somehow knew that if Timber found out, he’d put that all on himself and I didn’t want him to shoulder my guilt. Unfortunately, something happened a few days ago and I was certain that he had a pretty good idea what had happened to me.
“So what are your plans tonight?” I asked Timber while he walked me to the bar. I’d been coming over to his place almost every day to hang out.
He reached over and ruffled my hair. “Seriously, Kat? What have I been doing every night for the past few weeks?”
I hid my grin from him. “Okay, point taken. I guess I just don’t understand why you think you need to stick around the bar all night. Beaver is there standing guard. Besides, nothing is going to happen to me.”
He stopped walking and pulled me to a stop beside him. “You know why.”
Actually, I didn’t. He never talked to me about personal stuff. He simply took over a certain bar stool every night, all night, and he hung out with me most days when he was off work. I had accepted it, but never questioned it. Maybe it was time for me to start asking questions. “No, Timber, I don’t know why. We don’t ever talk about much of anything that’s not superficial. But I’m asking now… why are you with me all the time?”
He reached up and ran his hand through his hair, tugging at the ends, the way he usually did when he was frustrated. “I don’t really have a reason, Kat. I just enjoy being around you.”
His eyes were moving all over my face as if they were searching for something. The air between us changed from light and carefree to thick and heavy, with what I could only pinpoint as heat in this already too warm Texas air. Timber took a step towards me, and I took a step back. My movement caused him to raise an eyebrow at me. He moved again and I did the same. A few more steps and my back touched a cool brick wall. I hadn’t noticed before but we had somehow maneuvered ourselves into an alley between the pharmacy and the pizza shop that was surprisingly quiet for a Friday evening.
I looked up into Timber’s eyes. I swore I’d never seen hunger like I saw in his glare. “What are we doing, Timber?”
“Not sure, but it’s feelin’ right and I’m goin’ with it.” His voice turned gruff and deep.
I didn’t stand at chance at responding, because all of a sudden his mouth descended on mine. This wasn’t the sweet soft kiss that we shared a couple of weeks ago. No, this was aggressive and brutal. I was certain my lips would be bruised, and I didn’t care. All the air left my lungs as he pressed my body into the rough brick. I felt my exposed shoulders being scratched by the jagged edges. Timber pushed his tongue against my lips, demanding entrance. He didn’t have to push too hard as I was feeling just as hungry as he was. My mouth parted and he dove in, tasting every inch of me. He licked, sucked, bit, and nibbled my lips and tongue.
When he pulled back slightly, I gasped for air. Timber didn’t even take a moment to breathe. He saw my neck wide open for the taking when I lifted my head to breathe in the humid air and he bent his head to gently lick me. Somehow, in this godforsaken heat, he caused goosebumps to rise all over my body. I was overheated and had to squeeze my legs together to stifle the desire I felt pooling at my core. While his mouth was at my neck I hear
d his deep chuckle rumble out of his chest.
“You like what I’m doing to you, Kat?”
His mouth continued its assault on my sweat-covered body. He’d moved even further down and his mouth was now working the skin at the edge of my black tank top. He nipped at the tops of my breasts and I couldn’t help the moan that escaped me. His hands had been firmly holding me by my hips, but were now wrapping tightly around me palming my ass. He’d pulled me up against him and I could feel exactly what I was doing to him. His cock was pushing up against my stomach and I wanted to cry because it was sitting higher than where I needed him to be. Grabbing his hair roughly, I pulled his head back up and looked at him. His blue eyes were almost completely swallowed by the black of his pupils. My hands were still holding his head in place when he gave me the most devilish smile I’d ever seen. It made my grasp weaken and he took advantage, putting his mouth back on mine, this time a bit more tenderly. Timber used his teeth and tugged at my lower lip before releasing it and speaking against my mouth.
“What do you want?”
I couldn’t speak. My heart was beating so erratically that I couldn’t form words even if I wanted to. And even if I could, would I? I’d not felt desire like this since… well, never.
Adam had made sure that I wouldn’t ever be normal again when it came to any sort of sexual experiences. I’d been touched by a man since Adam and it had made me cringe. I wasn’t cringing now, though. Oh no, I was ready to spread myself open and let Timber take me any way that he wanted. He made me forget that I hated a man’s hands on my body. He made me needy for his touch.
I craved Timber’s hands. I wasn’t even sure how that was possible when he’d hardly touched me to begin with. Except, over the past week, I’d been waking up from dreams that were so vivid that I’d be soaking wet between my legs and on the verge of orgasm. Each night, Timber was bringing me pleasure and I would be on the brink of explosion when all of a sudden Adam’s voice would penetrate the dream. I’d woken up shaking in fear. My body would be so tightly wound because it was ready for that release, but my mind wouldn’t let it finish the job. I was needy and terrified at the same time. Even now, the very thought of Adam weaseling his way in between Timber and I made me want to puke.
Timber broke my thoughts when he snapped his fingers in front of my face and said, “Kat baby, are you okay? Where’d you go?”
My voice came out shaky and raspy. “Huh? Why’d you stop?”
He looked absolutely confused. “What do you mean, why’d I stop? Kat, you just shoved me away and told me to never touch you again.”
“I did?” I could hardly meet his gaze.
His voice hardened. “What the fuck is going on, Kat?” He very gently tipped my chin up and forced me to look at him. Tears were pooling in my eyes and a few trickled down my cheeks. “What happened to you?”
I swallowed hard. “Nothing happened. I’m s-sorry, I didn’t realize that I pushed you away.”
“Bullshit, Kat. I think it’s time to talk. Nobody gets that into it and then pushes away saying ‘don’t touch me.’ Where’d you go just now?”
I had no idea that I’d gone inside my own head and shut down. There wasn’t any possible way I could explain this one. Putting my hands up to my face, I sighed and tried to twist out of his grasp. He held me firmly in place against the brick. Being that I wasn’t in the right place in my head, and him preventing me from moving, I lashed out. “Get the fuck away, Timber!”
“What is wrong with you, Kat? No! I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what just happened.”
“Let me go.”
“No, not until you talk.”
“I said let go of me, Timber!” I shouted.
His eyes were firm and unyielding. It pissed me off and I wanted to slap him. So I did, or at least I tried. I’d forgotten that he was stronger and faster than me. He caught my wrist before it made contact with his cheek. My temper flared even more. I brought my other hand up to try and slap his other cheek. Again, he caught it. His large hands pulled my hands down to my sides. I screamed in frustration.
“I have no idea what is going on with you, Kat, but you’ve got to tell me.” He leaned in and rested his forehead on mine. I was seething. It angered me that he had me trapped and yet being so gentle about it.
“I just don’t want you to touch me. Why is that so hard for you to understand?”
His head snapped up and he glared at me. “Oh, you may think you can lie to me, baby, but your body can’t. You were worked up and rubbing all over my dick, Kat. I’d be willing to bet that if I stuck my hand in your panties your pussy would be soaking wet, so don’t fucking lie to me.”
I wanted to hate him for talking to me the way that he was. Even worse, I could still feel how damp I was. My mind was in a total frenzy and I just needed to escape. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and tried to focus all of my energy on my movements. When my body seemed to relax, so did his hold. He never saw it coming. I jerked my arms out of his grasp, ducked to the left, and took off running down the alley. I heard him chasing after me. Even though I knew I didn’t need to fear him, everything inside of me was telling me to run. My body was in flight mode. Hearing his shoes hitting the pavement, I knew he was gaining on me. My chest was tight from the short distance I’d just sprinted and I knew I couldn’t outrun him, but my feet wouldn’t let me stop. Suddenly, two strong arms wrapped around me and Timber held both of my arms in a crisscross over my chest. I couldn’t move. I fought against his hold, pushing off with my feet against the ground. He picked me up easily, as though I weighed nothing, and held me in the air. I tried to kick my foot back into his groin but he anticipated my move.
“Fucking Christ, Kat, would you calm down? I’m not going to hurt you,” he said into my ear.
“I hate you. Let me go!” I screamed and continued my fight.
His hold tightened, almost to the point of pain. As his fingers bit into my wrists, the sensation of pain seeped into my psyche and allowed me to come back to reality. My fighting slowly decreased and he began to speak softly in my ear.
“I’m here. I’m not going to hurt you. I’ve got you. Let it out.”
My heart was hammering in my chest, and I could hear the whooshing sounds of blood through my ears. When my body gradually went lax, I felt Timber take a few steps backwards and lean into a wall. My back was to him and he was still holding me. My fight turned into tears and I let myself cry. Like really cry for the first time since the incident. I was no longer pushing and kicking, I was sagging in Timber’s arms. He turned me to face him and cradled me like a baby with an arm behind my back and one under my legs. I cuddled into his neck, breathing in the scent of him, and wept. The front of his shirt was soaked with my tears but he didn’t seem to mind.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He said simply.
I shook my head no.
“You know I can’t let this go, Kat. I know you don’t want to tell me right now and I’ll respect that, but this isn’t going to go away. I refuse to let you deal with whatever is in your head alone.”
I remained silent, my body quaking slightly from trying to breathe after crying so hard.
“Jesus, who did this to you?” I knew he wasn’t speaking to me, but to himself. “Somebody did something that you didn’t want, didn’t they?”
I choked back a sob. I didn’t have to say a word. He knew the answer.
“I swear to God I’ll kill him.” His voice was low and deadly. “I’m going to hunt down whoever made you hurt like this and I’m going to tear him apart piece by piece.”
There was no mistaking that he meant what he was saying. I looked up at him with fear in my eyes. He didn’t know that it was Adam and I could never tell him. He’d never get over it.
“No, Timber. I want you to forget about it, okay? Please, please for me, just leave it alone.” Panic was rising in my stomach. My hands were gripping his shirt in tight fists on his chest. “Please, please, please…” I repeate
d over and over.
“Okay, Kat, okay. Just settle down. Shhhh… breathe, baby.” He was speaking with his mouth on my forehead. He was shushing me and slightly rocking me back and forth, still holding on to me.
When he finally set me down I kept my hold on his shirt. I looked up into his eyes as he used his thumbs to brush underneath my lashes and wiped away my lingering tears.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
He looked confused. “What are you sorry about?”
“For freaking out on you. I know I’m not normal.” My eyes dropped to the ground.
“Look at me, Kat.” He put his hand under my chin, raising it up until our eyes met. His face looked soft and understanding. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I know you don’t want to talk about what just happened here and I won’t push you, but I’m going to need to know some things before we take this any further. I have my own ideas of what caused you to panic back there, and it makes me so fucking mad I can’t see straight. But don’t you ever fucking apologize for it. That baggage was laid on you. You didn’t ask for it. And you better believe I’ll be fucking fixing it. You will know what it’s like to want to be touched by a man, not forced to.”
If I’d had any doubt in my mind whether or not he knew what happened to me, it was gone now. Timber had figured out what I’d been through. “I already know what it’s like to want to touch you, and for you to touch me.” I spoke so softly I didn’t think he’d hear me.
He brought his mouth close to mine and I could feel his breath on my lips. “You can touch me anytime you want. And if you want me to touch you, just say the words.” He lightly kissed me on the lips.
We’d been broken from our moment when a Tahoe that had been parked on the side of the road squealed tires and took off down the road. Timber’s immediate reaction was to shove me back against the wall and put himself in front of me. It was such a sweet gesture, but completely unnecessary. He stood in front of me, watching it drive off down the road. I’d tried to lighten his mood by laughing a bit and telling him he was acting like a big badass protector. He gave me a slight smile, but turned to keep watching the SUV disappear. His reaction honestly made me nervous, but I chalked it up to him being tightly wound after what I’d put him through.
