by Carnal, MJ
Last night was a reality check. Seeing Damien again made my heart race. Running into him was unexpected and it had been a test. I could have given into my heart and jumped at the chance to be alone with him. Every part of my body was screaming at me to hold him, to spend one more night with him. I’ve spent the last year ignoring the voice in my head that told me I love him. Last night, I realized it was right.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this knowledge. The only thing I do know is that I have to stay away from him. Before I know it, he’ll be back on the road with the band and last night will be a distant memory.
Stretching my arms above my head, my mind wanders back to our last morning together. We hadn’t slept at all the night before. We’d stayed up all night laughing. He’s the funniest person I’ve ever met and it was so easy to get lost in him with just a smile. He was the missing piece in the puzzle that was my life. He was exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed him.
We’d spent a week together. We’d gone to the movies and cooked dinner together. We’d been your everyday couple despite his rock star status. We held hands on the couch while we watched TV. We laughed constantly. He knew what I was thinking before I ever said anything.
Our chemistry was off the charts. When he kissed me, my toes curled. My body craved him. His hands were magic and made me feel things I’d never felt. He made my body respond in ways it hadn’t before. We’d promised to take things slowly and even though we almost crossed the line more than a few times, he respected me enough not to push for more.
When the sun finally made its appearance that morning, the reality of his leaving hit me hard. We spent our last hour just lying in bed staring at each other. His touch was so gentle and his eyes so full of passion. I wanted to give myself to him but I wasn’t sure my heart would survive it. Tears fell from my eyes but the silence between us spoke volumes. He wiped my tears away and held me until the last second. When it was time, he kissed me on the cheek and told me it had been the best time of his whole life.
I need to get out of this apartment. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I need to feel the sun on my face and the pavement under my feet. I pull on my yoga pants and tank, then throw my hair into a messy pony tail. I need to hit the streets before the world wakes up.
The hallway to the elevator always smells like beer. It’s the only downside to living here. The college age girls down the hall love having people over. I never hear them but I can always smell the remnants of last night’s party. They invite me every Friday. Maybe I should go. They are a few years younger than I am but they all seem pretty nice. I need to get out more.
The elevator ding snaps me back to reality. When the doors open, I freeze. This can’t be happening. He looks up from his phone and his eyes widen. His smile brightens his entire face. Damn him for being in my space again.
“Mia.” He takes a step forward but my hand stops him. He backs up and lets me in.
“You can talk to me on the way down. I have somewhere I need to be and I don’t have much time.” My hands are shaking. Traitors.
“I’ll take whatever time you’re willing to give me.” Damien presses the first floor button.
This may be the longest elevator ride in history. Shit, he smells amazing. “What do you want, Damien? I meant what I said last night. We can’t spend time together. It’s too hard for me.”
His grip is firm as he grabs my arm. I’ve missed his touch. My hurt is mirrored back in his eyes. I’m not blind. I know he has feelings for me. But I refuse to be the other woman in anyone’s life. My parents are happily married, my sister is getting married and I don’t see their marriage lasting any less than fifty years or so. I want forever. I want loyalty. And above all, I want someone that loves me with his whole heart. Damien is engaged. He is not my forever. Repeat that all day, brain.
The elevator moans and stops. The lights flicker and I gasp. I pound the button for the first floor. Nothing happens. “Oh my God.” I’m panicking. I can’t stand being stuck in a small space. Thoughts of plummeting to my death take over. Cue the panic attack.
Damien puts his hands on my cheeks. “Breathe. It’s ok. I’m here with you. It’s just a power outage or something. You’re safe.” His chuckle makes me furious. “Baby, you need to breathe.”
“Breathe? We’re about the fall to our deaths. This thing is a death trap. I’m going to die in this elevator that reeks of beer and will soon be splattered with my blood. There’s no way to avoid this. I used to think if you jumped right before you crashed to the ground, that might help break the impact but I realized the ceiling would crush me into a thousand useless pieces. If I climb out the door at the top, I’ll just be free falling when this thing lets loose.”
Damien’s laugh gets louder. “Christ. You’ve given this some thought.”
I’m in full panic mode. “I can’t breathe. It’s hot in here. Are you hot? I’m on fire. I think I’m having a heart attack. Oh my God.” I gasp for air.
“Mia.” Damien shakes me. “Look at me. Concentrate on me. That’s my girl. Deep breath. Good. Look into my eyes.”
His voice soothes my soul. His hands run up and down my arms and my body begins to relax. I hate small spaces, I hate elevators, I hate not being in control. “I’m scared.” My voice is weak. It’s not a voice I recognize. My body trembles. I’m terrified.
“You’re ok. Sit with me. I’ll sing some of the new lyrics I’m working on and maybe you can help me figure out what’s missing. Can you do that for me?”
I have to give him credit. He’s trying to keep me calm. “I’d love that.”
He clears his throat as he sits down next to me. “It’s rough but I think it’ll be really good when we’re done. Ready?” I nod my head and he smiles. His soulful voice fills the elevator.
‘I got drunk off your touch and high off your kiss. The taste of your lips I forever will miss. You’ve ruined me. I’m broken. You’ve ruined me. I’m lost. You’ve ruined me.’
My mouth hangs open. When he sings, the world stops. His words are beautiful and I can’t take my eyes off him. I can’t help myself. His voice transports me to another place. I am completely healed. My anxiety is gone. The elevator is no longer my enemy. It’s just a reason to be near him and I’m suddenly thankful that we’re stuck.
“Damien, that was…” I struggle to find the words. “It was beautiful. I can’t wait to hear that with the band behind you. It’s almost haunting.”
“You haunt me.” His hand reaches for me. I want to pull away but I can’t. His fingers trace my lips. “I wrote that the day I left Georgia. I’ve thought about you every day since.”
“Damien.”
He cuts me off. “Mia, I’ve made more mistakes that I can even count. I thought if I found someone else, I could get over you. Every night was a mistake bigger than the last. Everything reminded me of you. I got totally lost. I completely fucked up.”
I shake my head. “You can’t say this to me. You can’t. It’ll break me.”
“I need you to know everything. Please.” His eyes widen as he starts to confess. “The guys couldn’t stop the bullshit that got deeper every time we stopped in a new city. I knew I was fucking up but I couldn’t stop. I needed anything to numb me. The women were just standins. All of them. Oskana included. She’s somebody I met in one of the cities. Her manager is a friend of Joshua’s. Her career was heading into the toilet and we did some appearances together. There’s nothing there. She’s a cover up story for all the bullshit I started. The label wanted my image cleaned up and Joshua came up with this fucking story that I don’t know how to get out of.”
I can’t stop the tears. I don’t even want to. Damien is broken and I love him. I have for so long. I wish things were easy. Just for once. Our lives are too different. I would give up almost anything to make his pain go away. Our love story was over a lifetime ago but I can’t help but wonder if I had stopped him that morning, if I had begged him to stay in my life, would h
e have taken a chance on us? Would his story be completely different now? Would my heart still be shattered into a million pieces?
Chapter 5
Drowning, I’m told, is a bad way to die. Yet, you killed my soul with a simple goodbye. I’m drowning in you. –
Liquid Regret
She’s crying and I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. She’s honestly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I shouldn’t have been such a fuck up. How different would things be if I hadn’t thought with my dick every night on the road? I need to stop being such a pussy. Joshua needs to know this cover up bullshit doesn’t work for me. I want Mia, consequences be damned.
“Please don’t cry.” I wipe the tears from her cheeks. I’ll make any excuse to touch her. I’m weak. “I’m sorry for everything. I know that’s not enough. I walked away like an asshole.”
“No you didn’t.” She looks down at her lap. “We were both stupid. I believe in the white horse fairytale and the power of destiny. If I’d been thinking like an adult, I would have gotten your number and used the tickets.”
“So, take it now.” I grab her cell phone and dial my number. When my phone rings, I smile. I now have Mia’s number and I plan on using it. A lot. “I never pushed you. I won’t start now. But I want to see you, Mia. I want to have a reason to rush back to LA after a few weeks on the road.”
“What about Oksana? How bad will it be if they find out that was all a lie?” Even after I’m a screw up, she worries about me.
“I don’t know. I need to talk to Josh. But first, I want to do this.”
I move slowly. I don’t want her to pull away. I can see her heartbeat pick up in her neck. Her breathing changes and I know she’s right here with me. I take her face in my hands, tilting her head back and brushing my lips across hers. The kiss is gentle and I wait for her to react. Her moan against my lips tells me everything I need to know. My whole body is on high alert.
She melts into me, letting me pull her closer. Her lips part and I need to be inside her. My tongue glides into her mouth, dancing with hers like they were made for each other. Her fingers tangle into my hair. Everything in my life fades away. It’s only Mia. Nothing else exists. In this minute, I’m a complete person.
She tugs at my shirt, pulling it from my jeans. My brain is in overdrive. Her hands trail up my abdomen, resting on my pecs, digging her nails into my skin. Her breathing is ragged. I need a minute to think. I pull out of the kiss, trailing my tongue down her neck, inhaling her scent. The air is thick with arousal and I am ready to tear her clothes off. I’m hard as a rock and I can’t form any coherent thought.
Her foot runs up my leg and that’s my opening. I pick her up, her perfect ass in my hands. I’m in heaven. I push her against the wall of the elevator, holding her up with my weight, feeling her legs wrap around me. I grind my erection against her and she gasps. Her yoga pants leave very little to the imagination. I push against her again and she bites my lip. Shit. This is going to escalate quickly and that’s exactly what I want. My brain is screaming at me to take her, mark my territory, and prove to her that no one else can make her feel the way I can.
In all our time together, we’ve never gotten this far. I know it’s too fast. I know it isn’t the time or the place to get lost in each other. I can feel her heat. It’s pouring off of her. Her cheeks are flushed. She rubs against me and moans. Her legs are shaking. I want to know what she feels like. I want to know what she looks like when she shatters apart. I want to hear her moan my name when she explodes in ecstasy.
“Wait.” She’s breathless. Her hands still and she rests her head on my shoulder. “I need a minute.”
I run my hands in circles on her back. My heart is pounding out of my chest. This woman is going to be the death of me. I’m going to have a chronic case of blue balls and it might kill me. She’s worth the painful death. She’s worth the wait. I know that with all my heart. I just need to clue Damien junior in. He’s going to be pissed when he gets the news. He’s desperate for her body.
She jumps away from me and it scares the shit out of me. “What are we doing? I’m sorry.” She’s covering her mouth and shaking her head. I cannot let her run.
“Don’t say you’re sorry. Say anything but not that you’re sorry it happened. Nothing that feels that right is wrong. It can’t be.”
The lights flicker on and the elevator moans back to life. Fuck. My window of opportunity is over. I need to think of something, anything that will keep her talking. She grabs her phone and I would give anything to know what she’s thinking.
“Mia, what if I talk to Joshua? He’s not unreasonable. I know he had my best interest in mind when he leaked the story. He’s not just my manager. He’s a good friend. He’ll understand.”
She takes a deep breath. “Let’s say he does. And he retracts the story. Then what? What kind of fall out will that have for the band? I couldn’t live with knowing that I’m ruining lives. What about your son?”
I smile at the thought of Xander. “He’s thirteen. He’s not completely naïve. He knows who you are and he knows that I screwed up. I think it would teach him that you shouldn’t give up on what you really want.”
Xander and I have spent a lot of time emailing the past week. He’s grown into a young man and I’ve missed it. He’s got his first girlfriend and they hang out at the mall. He claims he’s in love with her. I know he is in his own way. But it’s nothing like what I feel for Mia. It’s my job to teach him about life, disappointments and all. He’s watched my downfall through the media and through whatever lies or stories he’s been told from those that aren’t my biggest fans. He knows about Mia and that I have spiraled out of control because I let go of something that could be everything to me. Teaching him to fight for love is a lesson he needs to learn. I wish someone had taught me that lesson.
“I just need time to process all this. I don’t want to get hurt any more than I already have been. I know it’s my fault. I swear I’m my own worst enemy. I just don’t want to jump in if I don’t know what’s going to be there when I land. I’m scared.”
The elevator doors slide open, bringing with it the fear of the unknown. “Mia, you never know what’s out there if you don’t take a chance. The biggest successes in life are because someone took a leap into the unknown. It’s the fear that makes it exciting. It’s the belief that makes it great.”
“D Rey in the house.” Joshua chuckles as I trip on the step leading into the studio. I can’t do anything but shoot him the bird and watch as my bandmates laugh.
“On time and with a shit eating grin on his face. Looks like some sleep did you good.” Harley nods before looking back down at his music. He’s the serious one of the group but I feel closer to him than I ever have to my family.
“Or he got laid.” Max raises his eyebrows and starts laughing. “You did, you dirty son of a bitch.”
“Jesus Christ. Please tell me no one saw you. This story blows up in our faces and we’re done.” Joshua is on his feet before I can say anything.
“I didn’t get laid and there aren’t any pictures so sit back down before the aneurysm ruptures. You are wound way too fucking tight, man.” I don’t like the look he’s giving me. I’ve known him long enough to know that he can read me like a book. He sees right through all the bullshit. “Seriously, it’s cool.”
“Let’s do this. We have the studio for three hours. Let’s lay down some tracks so we can concentrate on the show tomorrow.”
I’d been completely delusional when I thought I would lead this band of misfits. Harley has this shit locked down and I can’t imagine it any other way. He’s our lead guitarist, our faithful leader, the voice of the group and everyone’s conscience. I know I’ve let him down the past year. I worked hard but I fucked harder. Everything I did during the day brought me to what I really wanted at night. But Harley never questioned me. He and Della stood by my side every second.
Della. She’s like my sister. All those year
s chasing our dreams, living in shit holes, moving from place to place, running down something we weren’t sure we’d ever catch. And there she was, running right alongside us. She’s the real rock star. She’s our biggest cheerleader, even if the accomplishment is a small one. What she and Harley have is exactly what I want. I can only picture that with one person.
“I want to record ‘Ruin’ first. I know we decided on ‘Stolen Soul’ but I lose myself in ‘Ruin’. I feel it, I breathe it. If we’re here to record our next big song, I don’t want it to be anything else.”
I hold my breath and look at Harley. His lips twitch as he tries not to smile. The bastard is going to let Joshua scream and throw a tantrum before he agrees with me. I deserve it. I brace myself as Josh stands up from the soundboard. This is going to be a shit storm that I should have braced myself for.
He stops right in front of me, his breath hot on my face. “Then get your fucking ass in there and create a masterpiece.”
Chapter 6
It’s been a full day and I can still feel him on my lips. I can still feel his strong hands tangled in my hair. The look of pure ecstasy on his face when I rubbed my body against his is forever seared into my memory. Every thought in my brain is telling me to run. But my heart, my traitorous heart that can’t beat without him, has taken control. Tonight I’m going to tell him that I want a chance. There’s safety in knowing he feels exactly the same way. His text messages told me what I wanted to hear. The flowers sitting on my kitchen table are proof that this man is it for me.
I dress quickly. The concert starts in just a few hours and my sister and her fiancé are meeting me there. I know Damien loves my hair down so I spent extra time curling it and getting it to flow down my back like it was effortless. The girl staring at me in the mirror is someone I haven’t seen for a year. She’s smiling, her eyes are bright, there’s excitement surrounding her. That’s the me I remember. I’m happy to see this girl again.
