by Carnal, MJ
“I thought Harley was the one being threatened.” I wipe my tears away and gag when I realize my hands are still covered.
“He was. We’ve increased our presence at the hotel. I’m sure he knows by now. Max and Damien are in the spotlight too. We can’t take any chances with you or Oksana.”
“This can’t be happening.” I put my head down on the table.
Lex touches my arm and I jump. “I’m sorry. I just want you to know I’m here if you need me.”
“I need Damien.” I grab for my cellphone but it isn’t in my pocket. “Where’s my phone?”
“Now isn’t the time. Joshua said he was destroyed by the news. We’ll get him home to you as soon as we can. Let’s just answer their questions and get out of here.”
Time stood still. I’ve heard that phrase a million times in my life. I never knew what it meant until tonight. Nothing feels real. I don’t even remember the questions they asked me. Before I knew it, Lex was leading me out to the car the band sent to pick me and Laney up. I had no idea what time it was. I didn’t know where we were going. I’m wrapped around Laney. I’m so cold.
The sun breaks over the top of the buildings of the city. I can’t even comprehend how a new day has come. Life ended for someone beautiful last night. I don’t know how we just go on.
“Where are we going?” Laney’s voice breaks.
Lex points to the Hollywood Hills sign. I take the first deep breath I’ve taken since going into Della’s house last night. Even heartbroken and miles away, Damien is making sure I’m safe. “It’s ok. We’re almost there,” I whisper and pull her back into me.
When we pull into the driveway, Steve jogs off the porch to meet us. He opens the back door and takes me in his arms. He doesn’t speak. Just carries me into the house and holds me on the couch as I break in two. Lily is down the stairs and by my side in seconds. The love of my family surrounds me. I’ve gone through the worst night of my life and they’re all here to remind me how much they love me. My eyes are heavy and I rest my head against Steve’s chest.
My hands are being cleaned. I don’t have the energy to care. I can hear voices. A lot of them. The warm cloth brushes my face. I sigh.
“I’m going to give her something to help her sleep.” The voice is angelic. I know I’ve heard it before. It’s one of Lily’s friends. I feel a needle stick me in the arm. My eyes roll back and my head swims.
“Steve, grab Laney and take her upstairs. I’ve got Mia.” I’m lifted from the couch.
I force my eyes open. It’s hard to focus but the gray eyes that stare back at me are warm. “Kevin.” My voice is quiet. I feel like I’m falling into nothingness.
“It’s ok. I’m taking you upstairs. We’ll all be here when you wake up. Sleep now, doll.”
Before I fall into sleep, I smile. My sister has found a life here with Steve and his friends. This house used to belong to Mark Moretti and his wife before Steve bought it for Lil. It’s filled with love. It’s filled with hope. It’s filled with family. I desperately try to hold on to that as my mind turns black and I’m surrounded by nothing.
The last thing I remember before the static is Laney’s scream and how I will never be the same.
Chapter 17
Darkness, sorrow, I scream your name
The life that we knew will not be the same. – Liquid Regret I stand completely motionless. I’m emotionally and physically drained. I’m about to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done. As soon as he opens the door, he’ll know. There would never be any reason for all of us to show up at his hotel room door in the middle of the night. I tried to convince the others to stay behind but no one thought I could do this on my own. They’re probably right.
I can’t breathe. I knock on the door praying he won’t hear it. I just want to buy a few more seconds. Just a couple. Just enough for them to call and tell me this has all been a huge mistake. It has to be.
I hear the door unlock. My whole life stops. I can tell he’s been awake worrying. His eyes meet mine and his face falls. I can’t feel my feet but I know I’m moving into his room. It’s like being in the middle of a nightmare and praying to wake up. He’s just staring at me, shaking his head no. Have I said anything yet? Joshua grabs my arm and I take a deep breath.
“Harley.” My voice cracks.
“No.” He shakes his head, tears forming in his eyes. “No. No.”
“Lex called. I’m so sorry, man. I’m so fucking sorry.” I break.
He breaks. He hits his knees, a tortured scream erupts from his throat. It’s raw and the most haunting sound I’ve ever heard. I crawl to him and pull him into my chest. I don’t remember anything else. People are talking, the band is all around us. Joshua is on his phone. But I hear nothing. I feel nothing. I’m a black hole, endless, empty.
The tour bus feels like a distant memory. The label sent the jet to pick us up. Our lives are all over the media. I heard the story in the limo, the pilot was whispering about it, Joshua can’t get off his fucking phone about it. I want to scream. I want to fight. I want something to numb me. Anything. A pill, a needle, a bottle.
My hands are shaking. I haven’t felt this in years. I’m picking at my fingers. It’s my old tell and now I can’t stop it. They have Harley drugged up. He’s crumpled into his chair across from me. I begged them not to use anything on him but he screamed he needed to be numb. It was agony to watch. Not just because I’m scared for him but because I wanted it too. Della was his world. How do you come back from this? How do you get up every morning and keep living?
“The press will be everywhere when we land. They’ve increased security at the airport. We want to get you through the crowd and to the limos as fast as we can. We need to protect Harley. Cover him with a jacket, surround him. Whatever. Do not let them near him.” Joshua doesn’t even look up from his phone. I know he’s trying to be strong.
“And if we can’t wake him up?” Max shakes him a little but Harley barely moves.
“We’ll have a guard on each side. We’ll carry him if we have to. No pictures of his face. No fuel for their stories.” Josh growls.
I just grunt. I want to be home. I want to disappear. I want to wake up and find out this isn’t real. I want Mia.
Joshua sits next to me. “We’ve got a guard on Oksana. I’ve reassigned Lex to stay with Mia. The police are all over Harley’s house. We’ll catch who did this.”
“What if Harley isn’t strong enough? What if I’m not?”
“You both are. I’ve cancelled the rest of the tour. We’ll lay low. The label set up a grief counselor to stay at Max’s house with Harley. I suggest you stay there as well.” When I shake my head no, Josh continues. “It’s not a request. We all need to be together right now. We need to be there for Harley. I’ve got Oksana set up in the guest house there.”
“I don’t give a shit about Oksana.” I’ve had enough of this. “I want to see Mia as soon as we land. I’m done with this bullshit. It ends today, Josh.”
“No. It doesn’t. We’ll get Mia to you but this stays secret. We’ll deal with that when this blows over. We’ll have a press conference about the accident…”
“Accident?” I cut him off. “Bullshit. This wasn’t an accident. Somebody did this to her and Lex did nothing?”
“Damien. Calm down. I’m handling this the best I know how. Let’s get through this, then we’ll talk about Mia. For now, keep your shit together.”
If I could kick his ass, I would. I’m not sure I can take him but I’m ready to try. There’s so much security on this damn plane that I’d get taken down in a second. We’ve lost a member of our family. It wasn’t an accident. It won’t blow over. It won’t be behind us. It’s a fucking nightmare and it will never end.
When the plane touches down, I see the lines of people, the cameras, the flashbulbs. All the scum of the earth trying to get that shot of Harley’s agony that will make them a fortune. My stomach rolls at the thought. I can’t comprehend how anyone can justify m
aking money off someone’s crisis. I’ve seen them climb trees, chase us in cars, hide behind corners. They’re relentless. My anger is growing. There’s one photographer that we trust. One that gets it right. The rest? They thrive off our failures.
“Did you hear me?” Chance touches my arm.
“No. What?” I look at Harley and his eyes are open and emotionless.
“We think it would be best for you to go out first. We’ll circle Harley and get him to the cars. They’ll want your picture, too. Maybe it will take some of the focus off Griff.”
I nod. I’ll keep my emotions in check long enough to get to the car. Harley is on his feet, flanked by two guards. His eyes are rimmed in red, his face pale. I’ve never seen him look like this. Even in all the years of drinking, he’s never looked this bad. My heart breaks all over again.
The door opens and I head down the stairs first. I’m blinded by bulbs. People are screaming questions at me. Behind me, I feel the push of the guys getting Harley down the steps. I walk toward the paparazzi and hold my hand up to silence them. It works better than I expect.
“We’ve cancelled the rest of our tour. We’ll hold a press conference with more details but until then, I beg you for privacy.” My voice shakes but my face stays vacant. “We’ve lost someone very close to us.”
I feel the tear hit my cheek. Just one. It reminds me this is all real. It’s almost in slow motion, reminding me of my pain. I want to wipe it away but in this moment, I feel like it defines me. Let them get the shot. It’s not Harley’s pain they’ll be exploiting. It’s something small, but at least it’s something I can do.
Security pulls me toward the second limo. The questions start right away but their time is over. They’ve had enough of us for today. They don’t get any more.
Inside, Max nods at me. Just once but it says everything. We’ll head to his house. We’ll lock the doors and stay until the darkness subsides. It’s been eight hours since I found out about Della. It feels like a lifetime ago. There’s pain in my chest like someone punched through and ripped my heart right out. It’s physical pain. Every breath hurts. My head is pounding. I haven’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday. The thought of food makes my stomach roll.
I pull out my cell phone and call Mia. I need to hear her voice.
“Hello?” She’s quiet.
“I’m home and I need you.” If I say anything else, I’ll break down. I hand the phone to Max and let him give her the address. I know he’s hurting, too. But there’s always been something about Max. A mystery. A secret. Something.
“She’ll be there soon, man.” Max stares out the window, wounded.
“Thanks,” I whisper but he can’t hear me.
Was she scared? Did she know it was happening? Did she know who was hurting her? I shiver. Della was like a sister to me. Until Mia, she meant more to me than any woman ever had. She was kind and generous. She was the glue when this group wanted to give up. She was the one who defined coming home for all of us. Her smile lit up a room. Her arms were sanctuary when life got hard. Her laughter was contagious. I’d never hear that again. I’d never feel her hug me. I’d never hear her busting my balls for getting carried away on the road. I’d never be able to call her when I was tempted to fall back into old habits. Life changed last night. It changed forever. It changed for all of us.
Chapter 18
When I got here last night, he was sound asleep. I couldn’t wake him. He looked at peace and I knew he wouldn’t be if I woke him. Sometime after midnight, he had a nightmare and screamed in his sleep. I held him and he settled. I haven’t slept much. The nightmares are intense. I can’t imagine what these men are going through. I didn’t know Della long but she was amazing and I’m so sad that it hurts.
When he stretches, I smile. I’ve missed him so much. He opens his eyes slowly and looks at me. He doesn’t smile. He pulls me into him and cries. His body shakes and it breaks my heart even more.
“Mia,” He whispers.
“Shhh. I’m here. Go back to sleep.” I run my hands through his hair and listen to his breathing even out.
I know that there will be a few days of this. I’ve called into work for the next week. They all think I’m dating Max so there weren’t any questions asked. Thank God for that. I don’t know how I’ll get through the funeral, watching Damien with Oksana, holding onto Max as he grieves. How can I be everything that everyone needs? How can I let myself grieve when I know how much they hurt?
The tap at the door gets my attention. Laney cracks it open and peeks in. “How is he?” She whispers.
I climb out of bed and head to the door. “Still sleeping. How’s everyone else?”
“Harley’s out cold. Josh is in the kitchen with Chance but I haven’t seen Max. How are you holding up?”
“I’m scared.” It’s not worth it to lie to her. She can see right through me. “Thanks for being here.”
“I don’t want to be alone.” She walks into the living room and sits down. “I’ve talked to the grief counselor. She’s nice. You should talk to her. I think it will help both of us.”
“I don’t want to leave him for long. I’ll find her tomorrow.” I can’t help but look at the closed bedroom door. “If he wakes up and I’m not there, I won’t forgive myself.”
She takes my hand. “Mia. Don’t talk like that. You lost someone too.”
“It’s not the same.” I wipe the tears from my cheeks. I feel so much guilt. Guilt I didn’t get there sooner. Guilt I couldn’t get to Damien any quicker. Guilt that if I had answered my phone earlier, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
“It isn’t the same.” The soft voice catches my attention and I turn around. “Hi Mia. I’m Rachel. You girls went through something that no one can imagine. Something no one should go through. I’m here to talk if you want to.”
“I don’t know.” I instantly shut down.
“I’m here whenever you’re ready. I’ve talked to a couple of the guys and I would love to be able to talk to you too.”
“Ok.” The bedroom door opens and I’m instantly on my feet.
Damien rubs his eyes and gives us all a sad smile. “I woke up and you weren’t there. I missed you.”
I know he’s heartbroken but he still takes my breath away. “I’m sorry.”
“Sit back down. I need to get out of that room.” He hugs me and I instantly feel better. “Hey, Laney. How’s Harley?”
“I only talked to him for a minute but I doubt he’ll remember. He’s been asleep all night though.” Laney hugs him and then hugs me. “I’m going to find something to eat. I’ll cook something for all of us. I’m sure you guys must be getting hungry.”
Laney and Rachel head to the kitchen and I’m left alone with Damien. I’m so nervous. I don’t want to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing. I just stand here frozen. I feel helpless.
“Thanks for being here.” Damien pulls me into his lap and kisses my neck. “I need to hold you.”
“I love you.” I kiss him lightly. “I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”
His hand slips up the back of my nightgown and pulls me against him. His kiss deepens. He bites at my bottom lip and I can feel him harden under me. He runs his hands down my back and cups my ass. When he moves my hips against him, there’s no turning back. We both need this.
“Fuck me, Mia.” He growls into my ear. “Make me forget.”
I pull at his sweatpants and his erection springs free. I lick my lips. He’s got the most beautiful body. A drop of pre come seeps from the tip and I run my finger across it and lick it clean. His eyes darken. He reaches under my nightgown and yanks my panties aside. There’s no foreplay tonight but we don’t need it. We’re both ready and need to get lost in each other.
He sinks into me, his cock hot and hard. I don’t care who might walk in or who might be watching. I circle my hips and watch him lie his head back against the couch cushions. He hisses when I lift almost all the way off and then slam back down onto
him.
“Again.” He moans.
I do it again and his eyes shut completely. I pull at his hair and his hips thrust forward. I’ve had him rough and I’ve had him gentle. Every time is better than the last. The sounds he makes turn me on more than anything in the world. When he takes control, I’m lost.
Every thrust of his hips hits me in just the right spot. I’m soaked. I’m horny. I need to come. I grab my nipples and roll them in between my fingers and my thumbs. My head falls back. The friction mixed with his strong pumps make it almost too intense.
“I love getting lost in this hot pussy. I love feeling you drip down my cock.” He grabs my hips and pounds into me. His voice is broken with each stroke. “You. Make. Me. So. Fucking. Hard.”
“Oh God.” I grab at his shoulder, the couch cushions, anything that can anchor me. I’m so close. I can feel it building. I can feel the tingle start.
“Let go, baby. Let me feel you drench me.” He bites my nipple and I explode around him. My whole body convulses in pleasure.
“Fuck.” He runs his fingers through my orgasm and wipes it onto my nipple. His lips suck it off, hard. I tighten around him and a second wave hits. He erupts, filling me, soaking his lap.
I fall into his chest, gasping, my body still shivering around his. I never want this to end. When we’re together, everything is right with the world. I feel incredibly satisfied. I know I’m lucky. It’s never been like this with anyone.
After a few minutes, dread creeps back in. We hold each other as tightly as we can. I know we need to face what’s happened but denial is very powerful when you lose someone. For the first time in twenty-four hours, I could close my eyes without seeing Della.
I lean up and look into his eyes. He’s haunted. “I’m so sorry, Damien. I’m so, so sorry.”
He shakes his head but doesn’t say anything. His eyes fill with tears but he holds them back. He kisses me gently, then stands up with me still wrapped around him.
He carries me into the bedroom, leaving discarded clothes in the living room. Setting me down gently, he tucks my hair behind my ear. His hands cup my face and he takes a deep breath. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to Harley. I just want to lock the door and not let anyone else in.”
